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RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/18/2007 5:35:27 PM

bearincuffs

Posts: 1904
Joined: 12/16/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domin8tingUrDrmz

Please understand, I am aware of many male 's' types who are genuine in their submissive nature, either due to upbringing or other reasons. I was simply mentioning another motivation that I have had witness to. Some of the male 's' types who enter into submission for the sole purpose of satisfying a kink, end up growing and discovering so much more, and I find that growth very attractive. Those who enter into submission for deeper reasons to begin with, have much more to offer initially, and that too, is very attractive. What bothers me, are those who submit solely for kink, and never want to discover anything more about the D/s, M/s dynamic.

edited for clarity

I do fully understand what you were getting across and I ws not disputing it either. I was only offering another point of view from my perspective and how I've seen it with several other male submissives I know!

_____________________________

property of Master Dave of the House of Gemini

An it harm none, do as thou wilt
Do what you will, so long as it harms none
An it harm none, do what thou will
That it harm none, do as thou wilt
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(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)

Post #: 61

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/18/2007 7:12:15 PM

Devilslilsister

Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
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My motivation was never sexual and unfortunetly i had completely blinded myself to the fact that all of this can be very sexual.

Not sure what my motivations were - other then i wanted to find out what the heck was drawing me to all of this. The only reason i am here, is because at the age of 23 i told myself if i didnt figure it out, i'd still be wondering in the old folks home.

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to bearincuffs)

Post #: 62

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/18/2007 7:39:44 PM

sublimelysensual

Posts: 298
Joined: 7/25/2005
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I really had to think about this one, ie..the sex vs. service thing. Personally speaking, when I was starting out, I knew there was a sexual aspect, but until experiencing things in depth, I had noooo idea how much different the sex could be. Knowing that now, I would have to say it definitely counts, but it's still more of a service, need to please, mindset for me. As far as the selfless/selfish thing goes, I don't think there are many that can say a part of their motivation isn't selfish, frankly I would worry about anyone who claimed to be totally selfless in a relationship, simply because, especially early on in a relationship, you HAVE to look out for yourself and what's in your best interest. Not saying it should be the primary, or even secondary motivation, but I think when you lose that completely, the abuse/trouble/danger starts if you're not with the right person. Just my two cents....

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." -Simone De Beauvoir -'The Second Sex'

(in reply to Devilslilsister)

Post #: 63

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/18/2007 7:41:24 PM

mythi

Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

I'm not against being sexual, just having that be the focus of my service which is what a lot of men on this site seem to want. There is WAY more to what I want to give than just sex. Sex is simple and what I want is complex. Not everyone on this site seems to realize that is also a possibility.

Sex isn't always simple, but I agree that it also isn't everything. Not by a long shot.
Tho ideally it has a nice comfy place in there somewhere. Humans are designed to be sexual creatures after all.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

A lot of my early 'training' (if you will) of a new partner is to ensure that her sexual feelings are fully awakened, and to make these feelings interesting to both me and her.

I don't think it's foolish to say that you can do all sorts of nasty, wonderful things to a randy woman.
. . .
The way that I do this in the early stages of a relationship build a closer bond with me, and it forms an entree into broader forms of submission. Usually, the sexual focus is on my partner, not on myself. I feel that a lot of giving in this area yields a lot of receiving in a variety of areas, including this one.

I've always said that the way to my body is through my mind, but great sex will sure help clear those mental pathways! *g*

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx
Edited to add: You can send all the troll mail you want. I can pick and choose with the best of 'em.

Does it have to be made from real trolls?

_____________________________

“The truth doesn’t change based on our ability to stomach it.”
Flannery O’Connor

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 64

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/18/2007 8:03:36 PM

mythi

Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
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In response to the original post, I think my earliest and most enduring motivations are to please and perhaps just as importantly to be pleasing. Both of those give me a lot of satisfaction and warm fuzzy feelings in life, not just as they pertain to sex or D/S or romatic relationships in general.

Now, the added bonus of someone able and willing to be in control of me is something which, when combined with trust, allows me to let go of my own tightly held control and just "be"...whether that's "be"ing my sweet, accomodating, doting self; or my wild, feral, animal side; or my simple, playful, childish side; or my raunchy, passionate, slutty side. Don't know if I'd label it as a motivation so much as a need which over time has made it's way onto my must-have list.

_____________________________

“The truth doesn’t change based on our ability to stomach it.”
Flannery O’Connor

(in reply to mythi)

Post #: 65

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/18/2007 8:05:37 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

Sex isn't really a big part of my motivation, but it is something I need as part of the whole relationship and I am sexually submissive. To be in a D/s relationship, I need and want a full relationship with my Dom.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to mythi)

Post #: 66

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/18/2007 11:09:55 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
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I would add -

To serve a higher purpose or goal
To create order and beauty
To be an example of grace and willingness

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Generally speaking, I read of two basic motivations of a submissve

"To be Controlled"

"To Please"

I am wondering from a general prespective and not from detailed view point... do you see other motivations within the s-types?

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 67

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 12:42:55 AM

WhiplashSmile

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Joined: 6/8/2004
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For me I like to know what the others motivations are, Be she sub/slave/switch/Domme. Gives me quick idea if I can meet or exceed those desires or needs. Yes, I do like to know what anothers DO ME's are. One of the things I desire as a DOM is to know that I am taking care of another person. It gives me a added sense of purpose in my life, besides my own needs. Yes, I do have desires and needs, that I expect to be fullfilled... I'm not into100% catering to anothers want list, however I look for things that match up on my list, and talk about it. I also look for things that do not match up and talk about it.

There are things that I am willing to make concessions on, and other things that I simply won't. I don't view this as making me any less of a Dom either. Some people would like to think all Doms are complete hard asses unwilling to do anything in the interest or anybody else. This is simply not true. I will not cater to somebody that is extremely needy. I have been in charge of taking care of people in some way or shape of form for many years. Right now, dare I admit it. I miss this aspect in my life, and I feel rather lost without. Damn, Did I just express a weakness here or what? lol...

I have needs, wants and fantasies myself. My needs come first, my wants second and my fantasies last. Unless I absolutely feel I need to fullfill a specific fantasy. I'm at the point in my life, that I am interested in fullfilling some fantasies I've had for years. If another can do that for me, I take that into deep consideration. The more a person matches my needs, wants and desires the more I'm into being with them. I also realize that this is a two way street. I want to know if I can humanly match their set of needs, wants and desires. This is in terms for a 24/7 relationship. If there happens to be a situation where I encounter somebody that I get to know, and trust enough, I am open to a little play without it turning into a 24/7 relationship. This is a good way to fullfill or live out a few fantasies. I may or may not like the experience. LOL... I think some of my dark fantasies I will end up enjoying if I can turn them into reality.

(in reply to bearincuffs)

Post #: 68

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 1:13:42 AM

bellanotte

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Tornado Alley, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Generally speaking, I read of two basic motivations of a submissve

"To be Controlled"

I am wondering from a general prespective and not from detailed view point... do you see other motivations within the s-types?

For myself, I agree with your two "basic" motives. They are both in my make-up as a subbie, however, I think the "need to please" is about balanced with the "need to be controlled."

Motivations/Reasons I have heard from various others in the past include (apologies if I am repeating others here :) :
Need to be useful
Need to love and be loved
Need to explore the limits of the body
Need to explore the depths of the soul/mind through spiritual D/s
Need for spice in an existing relationship
Desire to shock others (i.e., purposely coming out to the wrong people)

Just a few thoughts.

The "need to love and be loved" and the "need to explore spiritual depths through spiritual D/s", apply to me as well as the needs I mentioned in the beginning paragraph.

I also have a somewhat unique motivation, at least it is a motivation for the SM part of what I do. I deal with fibromyalgia and its accompanying "bad pain" 24/7/365. In addition to other things, I have found that SM play and the resulting endorphin rush tends to make my pain over the next few days less. I joke about it as my "pain control." *lol* Of course, that is NOT my only motivation, as I would be doing it anyway..... but it IS a nice after-benefit of the play!

belle

_____________________________

"The world is not yet exhausted; let me see something tomorrow which I never saw before." -Samuel Johnson

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” -Joseph Campbell

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 69

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 1:15:51 AM

bellanotte

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Tornado Alley, USA
Status: offline

Ahhhh, I second so many of those wonderful reasons/motives everyone has been posting! This is actually a wonderful thread.

belle

_____________________________

"The world is not yet exhausted; let me see something tomorrow which I never saw before." -Samuel Johnson

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” -Joseph Campbell

(in reply to bellanotte)

Post #: 70

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 1:54:03 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bellanotte
Motivations/Reasons I have heard from various others in the past include (apologies if I am repeating others here :) :
Need to be useful
Need to love and be loved
Need to explore the limits of the body
Need to explore the depths of the soul/mind through spiritual D/s
Need for spice in an existing relationship
Desire to shock others (i.e., purposely coming out to the wrong people)
Just a few thoughts.

This almost like a beautiful poem..

quote:

The "need to love and be loved" and the "need to explore spiritual depths through spiritual D/s", apply to me as well as the needs I mentioned in the beginning paragraph.

Totally agree on this one.. you get to explore all facets of your thoughts and personality with freedom. Very spirtual to embrace your ownself to this level.

quote:

I also have a somewhat unique motivation, at least it is a motivation for the SM part of what I do. I deal with fibromyalgia and its accompanying "bad pain" 24/7/365. In addition to other things, I have found that SM play and the resulting endorphin rush tends to make my pain over the next few days less. I joke about it as my "pain control." *lol* Of course, that is NOT my only motivation, as I would be doing it anyway..... but it IS a nice after-benefit of the play!

I myself will do a little self impact play to release endorphins. I do not require another to do this to me. I have been Question before by submissives concerned that I will somehow force them into a Switch position. Just because I am a little Masochistic does not mean I wanna play switch or make me less dom. There are times that I really enjoy the company of a great switch or Domme. I'm open to exploring the idea of a relationship with a Domme or Switch. However, I can take care of my own craving for pain myself. Call it a form of Masterbation. LOL... I will not force a submissive who's not into being a top to play the top. Sometimes, I feel like an Odd ball out of the group here.

(in reply to bellanotte)

Post #: 71

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 2:09:08 AM

bellanotte

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Tornado Alley, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

quote:

ORIGINAL: bellanotte
Motivations/Reasons I have heard from various others in the past include (apologies if I am repeating others here :) :
Need to be useful
Need to love and be loved
Need to explore the limits of the body
Need to explore the depths of the soul/mind through spiritual D/s
Need for spice in an existing relationship
Desire to shock others (i.e., purposely coming out to the wrong people)
Just a few thoughts.

This almost like a beautiful poem..

Thank you *s*... I do a bit of creative writing on occasion but hadn't intended much there.

quote:

The "need to love and be loved" and the "need to explore spiritual depths through spiritual D/s", apply to me as well as the needs I mentioned in the beginning paragraph.

Totally agree on this one.. you get to explore all facets of your thoughts and personality with freedom. Very spirtual to embrace your ownself to this level.

It is ..... It ranks right up there on my "motivations" list.... Also, I think a lot of the motivations interact.... ie., as you explore and embrace yourself, you become more valuable as a sub or more skilled as a Dom/me.

quote:

I also have a somewhat unique motivation, at least it is a motivation for the SM part of what I do. I deal with fibromyalgia and its accompanying "bad pain" 24/7/365. In addition to other things, I have found that SM play and the resulting endorphin rush tends to make my pain over the next few days less. I joke about it as my "pain control." *lol* Of course, that is NOT my only motivation, as I would be doing it anyway..... but it IS a nice after-benefit of the play!

I myself will do a little self impact play to release endorphins. I do not require another to do this to me. I have been Question before by submissives concerned that I will somehow force them into a Switch position. Just because I am a little Masochistic does not mean I wanna play switch or make me less dom. There are times that I really enjoy the company of a great switch or Domme. I'm open to exploring the idea of a relationship with a Domme or Switch. However, I can take care of my own craving for pain myself. Call it a form of Masterbation. LOL... I will not force a submissive who's not into being a top to play the top. Sometimes, I feel like an Odd ball out of the group here.

From the posts of yours I've read, I wouldn't say you're an oddball *lol*... and I certainly wouldn't brand (pun intended) you as an oddball for either not wanting to force a sub into a switch or Top position, even temporarily. I think it's like anything else, some are into it, some aren't.

And on the endorphins.... oh yeahhh *lol*... they are useful for all sorts of things. I can't bring about the same feelings self-administering as a Dom can bring out of me -- the feelings are still there, just not as intense.

_____________________________

"The world is not yet exhausted; let me see something tomorrow which I never saw before." -Samuel Johnson

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” -Joseph Campbell

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 72

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 3:02:14 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

Motivations/Reasons I have heard from various others in the past include (apologies if I am repeating others here :) :
Need to be useful
Need to love and be loved
Need to explore the limits of the body
Need to explore the depths of the soul/mind through spiritual D/s
Need for spice in an existing relationship
Desire to shock others (i.e., purposely coming out to the wrong people)

my motivation is the need to feel necessary and the need to feel a sense of security and belonging. i achieve this by both being pleasing and by giving up control to my Master. i would not feel in the least bit fulfilled if i were just a convenience, not any better or worse than anyone else, easily substituted or replaced. i need to be more than just useful, i need to be needed. For me, the kinky sex is a treat and a reward. In the right relationship the depth of soul and limits of the body add a dimension that is rarely reached in any other kind of relationship.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to bellanotte)

Post #: 73

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 3:25:22 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
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From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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cool

(in reply to bearincuffs)

Post #: 74

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 6:27:35 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

posting radical thought here - my motivation as a submissive isn't to be controlled and to please. my motivation is to be molded and shaped from the person that i was before to what i am now ...to expand and expound my talents in reaching my full potential. i don't need a Dominant to lord and master over me - my personality type and other characteristics would not make me suitable for that type of D/s relationship. those who seek to use sadistic punishment and techniques to train - definitely not my cup of tea. i'm glad Daddy saw me an individual, woman, daughter, and submissive (in that order) without asserting harsh dominance.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 75

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 7:02:47 AM

StellaByStarlite

Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline

Hello. =)

The deeper my owner and I get into this, the more I find out how complex my submission really is. My motivations aren't one thing and one thing only... they're fluid, they switch back and forth and sometimes they're all mixed up into one yummy bundle.

I love to feel useful and find satisfaction in service. But sometimes.. my desire to serve is motivated by how controlled I feel at the time.

Maybe my main motivation towards submission is the need to have a stronger will over me all the time. We have regular "discipline" sessions, and those make me feel deliciously emptied, like a clean blank slate that he can write on afterwards.

Really, at this point, it's a combination of both wanting to be controlled and wanting to please. Like I said, we're both pretty new to it all, so we're still trying to sort it all out. This thread has definitely given me food for thought.

Stella

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 76

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 7:50:07 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Generally speaking, I read of two basic motivations of a submissve

"To be Controlled"

"To Please"

I am wondering from a general prespective and not from detailed view point... do you see other motivations within the s-types?

Rather than "to please" I see it as "to be found pleasing". In general the submissives I have known over the years wanted very much to have someone's approval, they wanted to know that person (the dominant) was pleased with them.

"To Serve a Purpose"

"To Belong"

"To Be Useful"

quote:

I also think that either motivations can be to an a point that it can be harmful to the well-being to the submissive.

Anything taken to too much of an extreme can become harmful / toxic. But more than that it is also the context in which it occurs. What can be harmful in one situation, can be beneficial in another and I view much about this lifestyle as having that sort of conditional basis. The desires in a submissive to serve, be useful, be controlled, to be found pleasing, etc. could be very toxic in a relationship with someone who simply took advantage of them without regard for them. Take that same submissive and put them in a relationship with a dominant who, while they make use of those qualities, also has a regard for the well being of the submissive and a wonderful, mutually beneficial, relationship can result.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 77

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 7:52:14 AM

lonlyrossInNeed

Posts: 3144
Joined: 10/8/2005
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to never change just becouse soemone dosnt like me for me
I am who i am and will stay who i am for that reason ;)

ross.g

_____________________________

To know what pain is hurts the most
pain is not just a wound in your flesh
pain is a dagger in your heart

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 78

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 8:19:43 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

Rather than "to please" I see it as "to be found pleasing". In general the submissives I have known over the years wanted very much to have someone's approval, they wanted to know that person (the dominant) was pleased with them.

I see a difference in the motivations behind those two variables. To please centers on the Dominant. To be found pleasing centers on the submissive. Over the years my feelings have merged from "to be found pleasing" to "to please him and to be found pleasing." It is likely he will find me pleasing if I am pleasing him. :) And while I love that he finds me pleasing, there is this internal joyful state I find myself in when he is pleased. I absolutely love his happiness!!

I think in my case, my submission was more self-centric in the beginning. As I developed it and grew to adore him as I do, it shifted.

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 79

RE: Motivations of a Submissive! - 3/19/2007 8:30:39 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

I would say that I want to be controlled and to please. I also want to express my submission through service because that works with who I am in a very elemental way. It's knowing that I've done good work that satisfies the inner craving. Overt approval is nice but a subtle head nod warms my heart as well. I also find this to be a very spiritual thing for me, probably because this hits the very core of my being as does my spirituality.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 80

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