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RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/3/2005 11:53:27 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
You also need to keep intellectural snobbery from destroying your social life. Do you believe that the idle conversation at a social gathering is indicative of the intellect of the people there? That's why they call it "small talk." Also, a person's intellect and ability for deep thought -- and capacity to be engaging and interesting -- is not only measured by booksmarts.

I think if you completely dropped your intellectual idealism for a mate and judgements of people based on social conversation you'd open your doors tremendously. Just as you might think a flighty, spontaneous "airhead" you just met (who may have an MBA, you just don't know it) might seem intellectually unchallenging to you, the dynamic, world-traveled woman across the way might see you as stiff, reclusive and boring.

You need to at least meet half way. Try to appreciate the beauty in people and their experiences, not judge them by how many books they have read.
Akasha

PREACH Sister! I think it is extremely important to be open to new experiences, be humble enough to understand not one of us knows everything, and most everyone has something positive they can contribute to the world and a relationship. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/3/2005 3:31:03 PM

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I'm going to respond to LadyAngelica and Akasha's post together. Since posting my first reply, I thought over how it must come across and was afraid it might sound like I'm snobby but this is truly not the case. I can let my hair down and get silly with the best of them.

I think the most important point I was trying to convey is the fact that after 50 years of basically learning to be my own best friend, it's really hard for me to find a social activity that I can relate to. I also didn't mention that this lone lifestyle I have was heavily reinforced by bad experiences growing up. As I mentioned, I moved 15 times in the first 15 years of my life. I was always the new kid on the block and because I was intelligent, always managed to attract the attention of the local juvenile delinquents. Imagine what it would be like being chased home from school every day for 5 years!

In addition, every place I lived I would make one or two good friends but because I was always moving, would have to say goodbye forever to each and every one of them. For me, this was normal. It wasn't until I was 16 and made friends with a couple boys when I realized there was a different way of growing up. One day, I overheard them talking about what they had done together back when they were about 8 years old. I don't even remember who I knew when I was 8. It really made me stop and think.

As far as the intellectualism is concerned, I do realize that what people talk about in a social gathering is not necessarily indicative of what they're capable of thinking about. I'm basically a "say what you mean and mean what you say" sort of person. I really dislike the BS that goes on between people at parties and socials.

When I was younger, I would go out (alone) to a nightclub, pick a chair that afforded me a view of the whole place, sit there with a drink and watch everybody interacting with each other. I'd see the girls come in in groups and flirt with the guys...and I'd see the guys making their moves and trying their best to impress a girl. I never could understand why so much intrigue when it was obvious they were all there to meet each other. So why not drop the facade?

This carried over to my years in college when I would watch the people in class compete with each other to impress the professor, themselves, and each other. The same thing at work...back-stabbing, forming into little political cliques, and having turf wars over what needed to be done. I once read a joke about meetings that went "none of us is as dumb as all of us" and that's about how I see things when it comes to social interaction.

I did get invited to join MENSA but declined because again, I didn't want to get into anything where people were snobs and I've since met several ex-members who have told me that's why they stopped going.

Lastly, the reason I've been away is because I just finished with a vanilla relationship that lasted about 6 months. Why did we break up? She wasn't interested in having any discussions about life, it's meaning, or anything more important than the weather, what we did at work that day, or what's for dinner. She has no interest in reading, movies, world events, what we meant to each other, a very narrow taste in music, and drank too much. Ironically, she would become a chatter box once she had a couple glasses of wine but the content of what she had to say was dubious.

Anyway, I like the idea of joining a cooking class or maybe taking some art classes (I'm a natural born artist...been drawing since I was two). Thanks to both of you for your feedback and of course I welcome any feedback.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 4:16:55 AM

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quote:

Lastly, the reason I've been away is because I just finished with a vanilla relationship that lasted about 6 months. Why did we break up? She wasn't interested in having any discussions about life, it's meaning, or anything more important than the weather, what we did at work that day, or what's for dinner. She has no interest in reading, movies, world events, what we meant to each other, a very narrow taste in music, and drank too much. Ironically, she would become a chatter box once she had a couple glasses of wine but the content of what she had to say was dubious.

Unfortunately, I have somewhat of an opposite problem. And yes, it's MY problem, and I am aware of that fact.

Most of my friends are women. Currently, they are all in graduate school with me, so they are definitely intelligent women. We have long discussions about all things intellectual, so I find this just wonderful. NONE of them are interested in me in a relationship. Not being as shy as I used to be, I tend to ask why, and the closest friend of mine states that it is not me but because she's just not into having a relationship these days. Good excuse, but frustrating nonetheless.

So, instead, I have ended up dating women who tend not to be intellectually brilliant, and for quite some time I felt there was a sense of something wrong here. Then I realized what was wrong was me. You don't need book smarts intelligence to display hidden wisdom, and I discovered that THAT was what I had been seeking all along, not intelligence. If a woman can spout the fundamental dynamics of Hegelianism, that's great, but one that understands what's right and what's wrong and can point out where I might be lacking in that capacity, well, that's just wonderful.

My problem these days is that I'm a submissive, and I really can't hide it in any relationship I get into. My best friend thinks it's wonderful, and if she was interested in a relationship, she tells me it would be exactly what she's seeking. Yes, that frustration again, but at this point we're such close friends that I don't think I'd even be comfortable moving it any further than it is already. But, as a submissive, whenever I approach another woman, there's somewhat of an unstable mechanism in play because of beliefs that men are supposed to be the stronger partner (at least in my general demographic), so one has to put forth a strong enough front even to some of the locally more dominant women in general because it's so easy to be confused with the infamous floormat submissive that has zero personality.

Fortunately, now that I have finished up the last of my schooling, I am now spending the summer trying to figure out where to jumpstart my life again. I'm no longer forced to stick with a very crappy locale for finding a permanent Mistress.

Duane Gundrum
[email protected]

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 4:49:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub
I think the most important point I was trying to convey is the fact that after 50 years of basically learning to be my own best friend, it's really hard for me to find a social activity that I can relate to. I also didn't mention that this lone lifestyle I have was heavily reinforced by bad experiences growing up.

I am not unsympathetic to your bad experiences growing up. I think to a certain point, a lot of people have had their share of bad experiences. I've had a few that have scared me as well and some that I have worked through.

But that is just the point. There are things you can work through. And you can, but it's your choice. As long as your past experiences are an excuse for your current situation, your current situation will never change. It will be anchored in the past.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub
When I was younger, I would go out (alone) to a nightclub, pick a chair that afforded me a view of the whole place, sit there with a drink and watch everybody interacting with each other. I'd see the girls come in in groups and flirt with the guys...and I'd see the guys making their moves and trying their best to impress a girl. I never could understand why so much intrigue when it was obvious they were all there to meet each other. So why not drop the facade?

First of all, you aren't going to meet anyone if you are going to sit and watch. But you know that. Baby steps…

And second, it's not a façade. It's a little dance called seduction, it's a power exchange, a hunting game… it's quite fun actually.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

I once read a joke about meetings that went "none of us is as dumb as all of us" and that's about how I see things when it comes to social interaction.

That's pretty bleak I have to say. From my perspective, I would say the opposite. I believe that the sum is greater then the parts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub
Lastly, the reason I've been away is because I just finished with a vanilla relationship that lasted about 6 months.

I'll be honest, she didn't sound like the right kind of woman for you. But from every experience we learn a little bit more about what we want and what we don't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub
Anyway, I like the idea of joining a cooking class or maybe taking some art classes (I'm a natural born artist...been drawing since I was two).

Fantastic! And try going out with the gang afterwards if they do, and give the social conversation a chance.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub
Thanks to both of you for your feedback and of course I welcome any feedback.

I'm glad that you can see it was posted with only good intentions.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 4:59:52 AM

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I have to comment on something that's been said at least twice since my first post on this thread. I keep reading the mention of "book smarts" being used as a synonym for intelligence. These two terms often get used to mean the same thing but they are worlds apart.

Anyone can have book smarts from reading a lot which has nothing to do with intelligence. Intelligence is not facts and figures or knowing how to do something...it's the awareness, speed, and capacity to comprehend what's going on around you.

Having accumulated knowledge is a side-effect of being intelligent. I just want to point this out as I'm not saying I'm looking for someone who's well read and can discuss the fine points of Descartes versus Hume as applied to Kierkegaard.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 8:19:19 AM

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I'm going to chime in to say I can relate to what anthrosub is talking about. I consider myself a "space cadet" and most social situations are just awkward for me. It's not what Akasha called "intellectural snobbery"; for me it is just a disconnect from not having common interests because my interests are mostly out of the mainstream. The "art" of small talk is lost on me -- I'd rather look out a window than talk about the weather. I'd be thrilled to make small talk about stuff like this article about environmental economics; unfortunately such topics are more likely to get blank stares from most folks because they would rather talk about the latest episode of Survivor. Call it a lack of social skills if you like.

Sure, there are plenty of folks out there who are nice enough, but that doesn't make them better company than my cats. It really takes somebody who is warped to make them fun and interesting; at least, they have to be warped enough to think I'm amusing. That limits my choices to just a sliver of the population, and it can be very frustrating trying to sort through everyone else to find those few gems that I can relate to.

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(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 9:09:25 AM

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Heh, my girlfriend had to take a class on environmental economics - even her class mates would have looked at you funny for trying to chat about that (unless it was part of the class LOL).

For those that have trouble interacting on a social level with people, there are classes to help with that. I know it sounds silly, but I know people who have taken them and they are much easier to deal with now - meaning that I don't feel awkward when I have to interact with them now because they are no longer so withdrawn and apparently shy ... I don't know how to interact with people like that because I don't understand them ... which might also be part of your trouble.

(in reply to happypervert)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 10:29:37 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub
I keep reading the mention of "book smarts" being used as a synonym for intelligence.

I agree completely, but most people mean that they've been to insitutions of higher education and have aquired higher degrees than rest of the population, and you did start it when you said

quote:

I'm extremely intellectual and have spent a good deal of my early adulthood studying things like philosophy, science, religion, and psychology. I now have a degree in Anthropology (the study of humankind) and find most people to be...if you'll excuse the expression...kind of average.

Indeed the above statement is what scares people who cannot or don't want to discuss Descartes (etc) away, because they either lack the knowledge or think that makes you a boring bookworm (bad for both).

quote:

Intelligence is not facts and figures or knowing how to do something...it's the awareness, speed, and capacity to comprehend what's going on around you.

I agree with you there, and I guess I'm sorry you've been dating the wrong women for you; what attracted you to them initially anyway? M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 12:04:49 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

I have to comment on something that's been said at least twice since my first post on this thread. I keep reading the mention of "book smarts" being used as a synonym for intelligence. These two terms often get used to mean the same thing but they are worlds apart.

Anyone can have book smarts from reading a lot which has nothing to do with intelligence. Intelligence is not facts and figures or knowing how to do something...it's the awareness, speed, and capacity to comprehend what's going on around you.

Having accumulated knowledge is a side-effect of being intelligent. I just want to point this out as I'm not saying I'm looking for someone who's well read and can discuss the fine points of Descartes versus Hume as applied to Kierkegaard.

anthrosub

But all the 'awareness, speed and capacity to comprehend what's going on around you' is only making you disconnected, uncomfortable, disinterested and uninteresting. You need to get over yourself, and try to connect with people on a human level if you want to be in a relationship. Some magical woman who can join you in your quiet analysis and mockery of how humans engage in the real world is not going to appear so you can go off later and discuss how predictable and pathetic social interactions are.

You also have to grasp some sense of humility. You have to not look at groups of people as simply, "they have nothing to offer me. this does nothing for me. I get nothing from this." You have to start thinking about others; compassion, humility, and affection are what make us human. What do you have to offer others? How can you enrich their lives?

And then further to that, it makes me wonder what you have to offer as a submissive partner. Do you equally analyze, attempt to outsmart and judge your femdom partner? Or are you withdrawn, stoic, and come across as bored?

What is it about you that can be exciting, engaging, passionate and sensual besides how intelligent you are?

Is your intelligence going to save you from lonliness, and a passionless life?

How much is "ego" really getting in the way here? Ego, or fear?

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 1:29:25 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn

quote:

Lastly, the reason I've been away is because I just finished with a vanilla relationship that lasted about 6 months. Why did we break up? She wasn't interested in having any discussions about life, it's meaning, or anything more important than the weather, what we did at work that day, or what's for dinner. She has no interest in reading, movies, world events, what we meant to each other, a very narrow taste in music, and drank too much. Ironically, she would become a chatter box once she had a couple glasses of wine but the content of what she had to say was dubious.

Unfortunately, I have somewhat of an opposite problem. And yes, it's MY problem, and I am aware of that fact.

Most of my friends are women. Currently, they are all in graduate school with me, so they are definitely intelligent women. We have long discussions about all things intellectual, so I find this just wonderful. NONE of them are interested in me in a relationship. Not being as shy as I used to be, I tend to ask why, and the closest friend of mine states that it is not me but because she's just not into having a relationship these days. Good excuse, but frustrating nonetheless.

So, instead, I have ended up dating women who tend not to be intellectually brilliant, and for quite some time I felt there was a sense of something wrong here. Then I realized what was wrong was me. You don't need book smarts intelligence to display hidden wisdom, and I discovered that THAT was what I had been seeking all along, not intelligence. If a woman can spout the fundamental dynamics of Hegelianism, that's great, but one that understands what's right and what's wrong and can point out where I might be lacking in that capacity, well, that's just wonderful.

My problem these days is that I'm a submissive, and I really can't hide it in any relationship I get into. My best friend thinks it's wonderful, and if she was interested in a relationship, she tells me it would be exactly what she's seeking. Yes, that frustration again, but at this point we're such close friends that I don't think I'd even be comfortable moving it any further than it is already. But, as a submissive, whenever I approach another woman, there's somewhat of an unstable mechanism in play because of beliefs that men are supposed to be the stronger partner (at least in my general demographic), so one has to put forth a strong enough front even to some of the locally more dominant women in general because it's so easy to be confused with the infamous floormat submissive that has zero personality.

Fortunately, now that I have finished up the last of my schooling, I am now spending the summer trying to figure out where to jumpstart my life again. I'm no longer forced to stick with a very crappy locale for finding a permanent Mistress.

Duane Gundrum
[email protected]

If your single, available female friends are telling you that you would be "perfect" for them in a relationship, "But....." ..well, that's your first sign. They aren't being honest with you. No woman just shrugs off "the perfect guy" for whatever reason -- they tell you that because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Pure and simple.

With all those booksmarts, and other natural intelligence, you didn't figure that out?

Why aren't they climbing over each other to set you up with their sisters, girlfriends, cousins? If a woman finds a guy absolutely perfect, all bets are off, especially the ol' "I''m not interested in a relationship right now." What she is saying is, "I'm not interested in a relationship with YOU right now."

Why do women tell guys they just want to be friends?

We women tell that to guys to not hurt their feelings. No one is going to happily list all the qualities in you that make you not a good mate for them or their friends. Especially if they are your friend.

Ask your *guy* friends why you are single. They will be more honest.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 3:23:49 PM

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I think what you had to say is accurate. Being of an intellectual sort does pose problems and I think that's the heart of the matter with me. By definition, I'm one of those people on the far end of the bell curve so to speak and it becomes most clearly felt when I immerse myself in a group. It's not that I have some sort of anti-social streak in me, I just never fit in...even when I try.

When I was younger, I held a management position and let me tell you it was a living hell. Other than that job, I've always managed to find something where I could work by myself and not have to depend on others or have someone looking over my shoulder. I'm very independent and can usually analyze problems and find solutions best when I'm left to my own means. Having to go through channels is like sitting in a traffic jam for me.

I don't know how much this might relate to you or others reading this post but in my lifetime, I've only met a handful of people I felt I was truly connecting with. The rest have been more like those decribed by happy's post. I'm boring to them and vice versa. I can engage in small talk with people I know are capable of more than that at other times. When I do try to talk to strangers, it doesn't take me long to get a sense of their own awareness level and I suppose at the same time I'm probably overwhelming them with what I talk about.

But it's like you say, I should practice toning the intensity of topics down a bit. As a side note, I would like to say in my recent relationship, my ex enjoyed having her friends over for dinner parties. I would sit at the table with 6 to 8 people and try to participate in the conversations but after about 30 minutes or so found myself climbing the walls and looking forward for when everyone would go home.

As far as how I interact with a Dominant partner, well those that I have served have been strong willed and would keep me reined in. I never acted out or would judge them privately...and when they did want to hear from me they were always impressed with my intellect. They also valued my honesty, politeness, and eagerness to do whatever they asked of me, which was usually not BDSM related (such as cooking, fixing something, or hearing my take on a problem they were working on). As to the BDSM activities, the main comment I received was how easy I was to work with as a sub.

In spite of all this, I do believe your advice is correct. I can only give it a try and see what happens.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 3:28:22 PM

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

I think what you had to say is accurate. Being of an intellectual sort does pose problems and I think that's the heart of the matter with me. By definition, I'm one of those people on the far end of the bell curve so to speak and it becomes most clearly felt when I immerse myself in a group. It's not that I have some sort of anti-social streak in me, I just never fit in...even when I try.

When I was younger, I held a management position and let me tell you it was a living hell. Other than that job, I've always managed to find something where I could work by myself and not have to depend on others or have someone looking over my shoulder. I'm very independent and can usually analyze problems and find solutions best when I'm left to my own means. Having to go through channels is like sitting in a traffic jam for me.

I don't know how much this might relate to you or others reading this post but in my lifetime, I've only met a handful of people I felt I was truly connecting with. The rest have been more like those decribed by happy's post. I'm boring to them and vice versa. I can engage in small talk with people I know are capable of more than that at other times. When I do try to talk to strangers, it doesn't take me long to get a sense of their own awareness level and I suppose at the same time I'm probably overwhelming them with what I talk about.

But it's like you say, I should practice toning the intensity of topics down a bit. As a side note, I would like to say in my recent relationship, my ex enjoyed having her friends over for dinner parties. I would sit at the table with 6 to 8 people and try to participate in the conversations but after about 30 minutes or so found myself climbing the walls and looking forward for when everyone would go home.

As far as how I interact with a Dominant partner, well those that I have served have been strong willed and would keep me reined in. I never acted out or would judge them privately...and when they did want to hear from me they were always impressed with my intellect. They also valued my honesty, politeness, and eagerness to do whatever they asked of me, which was usually not BDSM related (such as cooking, fixing something, or hearing my take on a problem they were working on). As to the BDSM activities, the main comment I received was how easy I was to work with as a sub.

In spite of all this, I do believe your advice is correct. I can only give it a try and see what happens.

anthrosub

You need to stop striving to tell over and over again how you are smarter than everyone else.

You need to admit you are not always the most intelligent person in the room.

You need to stop acting as if we should feel sorry for you because you are so smart.

You need to stop apologizing for being so smart.

Intellectually, you are the equivalent of a woman who thinks she's so beautiful and that's why men won't approach her. In reality, they won't approach her because she's so self absorbed she sends off a vibe that makes them run away.

Is that clear enough, or do I need to dumb it down?

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 4:08:53 PM

LumpyLuvCustard

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looking to hard can ruin your chances of finding that pefect partner, but not looking at all will ruin them more, i have been single now for approx 3 years and its been great, but i do wonder if i had looked a little harder i may have found my perfect partner

Lumpy
A not so smart not so stupid average kind of chap!

< Message edited by LumpyLuvCustard -- 5/4/2005 4:10:00 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 5:49:16 PM

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quote:

That limits my choices to just a sliver of the population, and it can be very frustrating trying to sort through everyone else to find those few gems that I can relate to.

My choices are limited to a sliver of the population as well. I actually think it's like that for a great deal of the population. There are only so many people who are a right fit with us.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to happypervert)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 6:32:59 PM

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Thank you for your thoughts.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/4/2005 11:19:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

I think what you had to say is accurate. Being of an intellectual sort does pose problems and I think that's the heart of the matter with me. By definition, I'm one of those people on the far end of the bell curve so to speak and it becomes most clearly felt when I immerse myself in a group. It's not that I have some sort of anti-social streak in me, I just never fit in...even when I try.

You know, I happen to be at that same 'far end of the bell curve' and I have had little to no trouble fitting in (after elementary school, anyway) ... but that is because I know that there are others who are just as far out there or farther (I lived with 3 of them - my mother and two brothers) and I also know that it is in my genetic code to be at the other end of that bell curve because more than a few of my relatives are down there. Keep in mind that while you may be quite intelligent, there are always those who are smarter or better at something (or many things) than you are, and that your intelligence is not all of your own doing. One of my cousins struggles day in and day out to keep a 'C' average - it isn't that he isn't trying, he just isn't capable. You were lucky that you got the right genes to be as smart as you are ... and there are others out there just as lucky.

Seriously, consider one of those 'interaction classes' that I mentioned earlier.

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/5/2005 6:02:29 AM

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For me, I am actually a pretty introspective person. But I LOVE connections with other people and my partners do NOT believe me when I tell them I am shy because they see me at gatherings and events and being one of the most fluttery social butterfly out there, meeting new people, chatting them up, playing, looking perfectly at ease.

It's only once they get to know me in both forums that they realize how truly uncomfortable I am most of the time. I HATE mingling, it is worse than any singletailing. I had to teach and force myself to be outgoing.

But socializing is a skill that you learn. Every single one of my partners with the exception of the Owner right now are highly overeducated geeks who have difficulties socializing (even the Owner prefers small intimate groups over boisterous parties). I am slowly teaching them the skills I learned, their merits, which insecurities are irrational and which are not. With me as an anchor to them, they can feel like they belong, look to me as a guide, and relax into the situation. It takes a lot of time, and I won't deny they were really lucky to have found me, an overeducated female geek who takes chances, but you can learn if you want.

However, what none of them have is your apparent condescending attitude TOWARDS social interactions. Sure we all laugh afterwards at some of the silly things we see in public, we roll our eyes at the shrieking girl who's getting a very mild soft flogging, and I adore poring over conversations afterwards and taking them apart. But we understand their merit, we understand their power and their usefulness.

If you can't enjoy it for the sake of what it is, you should learn the skills you need to at least get you to your goals.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/5/2005 6:43:54 AM

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
For me, I am actually a pretty introspective person. But I LOVE connections with other people and my partners do NOT believe me when I tell them I am shy

Oh my, me too!

quote:

It's only once they get to know me in both forums that they realize how truly uncomfortable I am most of the time. I HATE mingling, it is worse than any singletailing. I had to teach and force myself to be outgoing. But socializing is a skill that you learn.

Same here, my coworkers and friends do not believe I am shy; I grew up in a big family and never had to say much or go anywhere alone/where I didn't know anyone to talk to/hang out with; than I moved several states away, and had to force self to go out and socialize rather than remain in my lovely apartment with TV/books.

The other shocker was when I planned a visit to Cancun with a friend, and he had to back out for family reasons; I still went by myself; Nothing was more frightening than the thought of leaving my hotel that 1st evening to go to dinner at a restaurant by my lonesome. I said self, you came, now you must do what you need to make this a pleasant vacation. I went to dinner, I went dancing, I did all the activities including explaining "party of 1".... It took all of my courage to do that vacation, and now there are very few (if any) places I wouldn't walk in alone. I still prefer the safety of my home/family, and don't mind my solitude at all, but being able to go out and function in public is a necessary skill in my view. M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 5/5/2005 9:11:12 PM >

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/6/2005 12:25:38 AM

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert
Sure, there are plenty of folks out there who are nice enough, but that doesn't make them better company than my cats.

I think that is harsh.
You're either meeting among the most unattractive/boring women in the world or your cats should be in the Guinness Books?? M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to happypervert)

RE: Why looking too hard can ruin your chances - 5/6/2005 4:35:41 AM

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert
Sure, there are plenty of folks out there who are nice enough, but that doesn't make them better company than my cats.

I think that is harsh.
You're either meeting among the most unattractive/boring women in the world or your cats should be in the Guinness Books?? M

Holy hell, how did I miss that?

Look happypervert, I love our pets dearly - the cats, the dog, the other random animals that comprise our zoo (not counting our boy), and yes, there are some days when I would so much rather stay home and cuddle with them than go out and face a bunch of people that I know I'm probably going to have trouble dealing with ... but overall, that is a bad way to be. Perhaps you only feel that your cats are better company because they don't care if you're judgemental? Or because, since they obviously can't speak your language, you aren't judgemental of their lack of ability to keep you entertained at all times (which is apparently what you expect ... how about you learn some social skills and learn how to be entertaining for other people)? Because you know they aren't getting your sense of humor ... they definately don't appreciate your "warped" personality - I know how cats think, all they care is that your clothes are out for them to sleep in, their food bowl is full, and you pet their butt when they stick it in your face. Not exactly my idea of a good, long-term companion.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

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