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what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 6:06:18 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		hi everyone,

i am posting this for a friend, i dont have first hand experience with this topic, so any feed back would be appreciated

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself

she is not looking right now, but she does want to post the question to the fora with out ruffling his peacock (my word not hers) feathers.

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."



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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 6:10:36 AM   
Aubre


Posts: 478
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		I don't get the whole "protector" thing.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 6:17:16 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		Is your friend so naive, stupid or passive that she is unable to discern the qualities or faults of those contacting her?  This dominant may indeed have her best interests at heart, especially if she has any of those problems listed in the first sentence.

I could see having someone "protecting" you, and at the same time just monitoring the emails, chats, etc., one would have with potential dominants.  I could understand that he may be trying protect her from "subby fever", if she is so inclined.  There has been more than one new submissive lured into dangerous or compromising positions because of their overeagerness.

However, keeping her from any contact with any dominants doesn't make sense, especially if he is not interested in her himself.  Of course, he may dislike her so much that he is trying to prevent her from finding a dominant too!

Sounds like some serious fact finding as to his intentions is necessary at this point, or I would tell the "protector" to take a walk.

Sunshine


_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 6:22:13 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

hi everyone, 
she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself


I don't know about other's takes on it, but in my mind a protector is not a jailer.
He's supposed to be helping her grow and nurturing her in making good choices for herself, not taking all of them away.
If he isolates her who does she think he's protecting her from.
IMO he's taking away her freedom and owning her without being willing to do the work of ownership physically or mentally.
I'd not permit this in my life.
suzanne

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 6:23:11 AM   
canupleaseme


Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		Whilst I think its good that she has someone to look out for her I find it a bit weird that he wont allow her to speak to other doms?   Surely by talking to other dominants she will learn more about who she is and what she wants.   There are some crazy people about but surely she would be able to protect herself like most people do with her own common sense.  It sounds like a form of mind game to me,maybe he gets off on having her to himself but not actually using her himself?  And who is he to say that other doms approaching her arent good doms?
I would tell your friend this seems a bit suspicious, at the end of the day if she is comfortable with the situation then fine but I think the fact that she has asked you to post this indicates she knows herself something isnt right.
How will she grow and learn in bdsm if she cant interact with others in the lifestyle.  She runs the risk of becoming the type of sub/slave he requires and not who she really is by having him be her only source of domly contact and by being restricted to contact with him only.
In my mind if he was a protector he would be more likely to monitor her messages and be onhand for advice, which even then I find a bit odd.  But then I dont get the whole protector thing


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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 6:33:28 AM   
myobedience


Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aubre

I don't get the whole "protector" thing.


Me either.  What is he protecting from what and whom?
If she cant talk to a dom, how will she learn how to approach a dom or communicate with one, besides him?
Possessiveness isnt exactly a good trait......what is his motive?
Where did she find him from?

Being your friend,  I would think she would feel more comfy with YOU helping her out ~ not a possessive man.  

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to Aubre)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 7:28:07 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'll take the hardball line here-

If she's a stable mature adult, then she shouldn't need a protector.

If she's NOT a stable mature adult, then she shouldn't be trying to get into ANY relationships until she becomes so.

How can she tell if he's really not interested or just using this as a way for her to let her guard down, become close, while efficiently keeping away the competition?

How long has she known her protector?  What makes her believe he is the best qualified for her?

And finally, if she's having these doubts such that she has to go ask other people for advice- that should be sign enough for her that this isn't what she needs.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_928161/mpage_2/key_protector/tm.htm#928919
collars for protection

http://www.collarchat.com/m_650375/mpage_1/key_protector/tm.htm#650457
under my protection

http://www.collarchat.com/m_429158/mpage_1/key_protector/tm.htm#429174
protected submissive

http://www.collarchat.com/m_297049/mpage_3/key_protector/tm.htm#297706
the need to protect



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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 7:34:57 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

hi everyone,

i am posting this for a friend, i dont have first hand experience with this topic, so any feed back would be appreciated

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself

she is not looking right now, but she does want to post the question to the fora with out ruffling his peacock (my word not hers) feathers.

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?


I have dealt with submissives who had "Protectors".  On a couple of occasions, I had no problems with the protector.  I had questions....oodles of questions....especially when the submissive seemed to be a "liberated" submissive (talk about a oxymoron within a descriptor) whose ways seemed...to me at least...almost the antithesis of the "Protector's" ways.  That definitely made for some headscratching.

In my opinion, I would have questions about what exactly is he protecting her from and whether or not he DOES want her for himself if he is so discouraging of her speaking to other dominants.  Let's face it...dominant males are alpha males.  How long are they going to want to spend getting to know a submissive who always has a net of another dominant to soothe her and tell her "there, there...he is a bad ole dom" when the new one seeks to tell her his beliefs and they don't coincide with hers or with her "Protectors", rather than dealing with it herself from her own point of view?  Sometimes having mentors...whether other submissives, slaves, or dominants...can close the mind rather than open it.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 7:40:39 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'll take the hardball line here-

If she's a stable mature adult, then she shouldn't need a protector.

If she's NOT a stable mature adult, then she shouldn't be trying to get into ANY relationships until she becomes so.

How can she tell if he's really not interested or just using this as a way for her to let her guard down, become close, while efficiently keeping away the competition?

How long has she known her protector?  What makes her believe he is the best qualified for her?




I disagree with this. I have a protector, bodyguard, or male secretary when Im dominating someone for the first few times. Im a bit of an advocate for making sure us dominant women are safe in our own dungeons because there are some very odd and even sometimes dangerous people about and no matter how domly we are, we are still women and most of us physically weaker than the male sex.
A recent case just round the corner from my home was a pro Mistress having her head smashed through her stove door by a potential submissive client. She received several fractures to the skull, her cheek bone was shattered and her eye socket is now being reconstructed. Being careful and having protection is a must if you are a pro Domme.

As far as this woman goes it rings a few alarm bells. Is she intending to pro Mistress? If so this guy sounds like a potential pimp. Theres a lot of Mistress pimps around and this is the sort of grooming I have heard of before.
The very fact he does not want her to speak to other dominants shows that he either feels very intimidated or he knows something he doesn’t want her to know.  

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 7:43:59 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry I was being presumptuous about her being a Domme!!!

Well sub or domme it doesn’t actually matter. Sounds like he just doesn’t want her to realise just how crap he really is!

(in reply to MariaB)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 7:45:23 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

...It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?


normal is sooooooooo subjective....this slave doesn't find it "normal" for her to be without someone who protects her at some level, but as far as your friend goes, this slave will have to chime in with the others who ask what is she being protected from?
 
does she see herself as the hapless target of potential predators in the bdsm world, unable to protect herself from them?  how does she know this "protector" isn't one of predators?  there are some really skillful predators out there---so when the prey comes limping by, crying and seeking protection, well, that makes for a pretty easy target. 

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 8:11:01 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'll take the hardball line here-

If she's a stable mature adult, then she shouldn't need a protector.

If she's NOT a stable mature adult, then she shouldn't be trying to get into ANY relationships until she becomes so.

How can she tell if he's really not interested or just using this as a way for her to let her guard down, become close, while efficiently keeping away the competition?

How long has she known her protector?  What makes her believe he is the best qualified for her?

And finally, if she's having these doubts such that she has to go ask other people for advice- that should be sign enough for her that this isn't what she needs.



This sums my opinion up perfectly and especially if as the OP wrote she is an older woman who should have the combination of maturity and life skills to handle life and not need someone to make her critical life decisions for.

There is a huge difference between leaning on a person for advice and asking what to look for and letting the person close you off from what you are supposedly trying to go toward.

Even if all of this is done with the best of intentions it is just not healthy in my opinion.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 8:16:20 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?


I would ask her if she feels the need to be denied her freedom of association by anyone, because not all submissives are kept from associating with doms even when they are owned. I think that it is up to the submissive in question as to what sort of friendships/relationships suit them. If it suits her to have to answer to a dominant that will never own her, well that is her choice. If she does not like the situation, she should remove herself from it.


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 12:17:46 PM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		I can understand being new to this and having someone help you pick out red flags, but further than that no. To, me a protector is a mentor NOT your dom, someone the guide you towards making safe desions, and helps youlearn and grow. Obviously she will never find a top if she isn't allowed to assoicate with them. He is toping her, and if he doesn't want to put the time and effort into owning her he needs to back off. Sounds to me like she should tell him to take a walk. Again JMHO

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 12:59:57 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		The protector thing is a great thing in the real world... the face to face, reach out & touch you, real world. As for online... click/block, click/ignore, click/delete is all the protection anyone needs.

I personally think she could learn a lot by dealing with online doms, both the good ones & the bottom feeders. This protector can't protect her from the world. At best he can at least be with her when she meets with someone or he can interview someone she is going to meet.

If she is of the sort that is not capable of screening out BS & essentially she needs protection from herself... then she doesn't need to be meeting anyone & in this case this man may be doing her a HUGE favor.



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MstrssPassion


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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 1:21:42 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		Yup. Protector is just another title. More often than not, it's a convenient label for online sorts of relationships. "Master" to many implies a sexual context, and "Owner" implies a commitment. "Trainer" and "Protector" often appear to be interchangeable. Unfortunately, like every other self-proclaimed title of dominance from Goddess to Sir, there is no meaning to it other than that ascribed by the couple engaged in the dynamic.

In essence, he has given himself the right to order her around, and she has not gainsaid him. If that works for them, then that's great! If not, same as for any other relationship.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 1:24:38 PM   
Aubre


Posts: 478
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		I propose a new title - "Shit Screen".

(in reply to Suleiman)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 1:53:38 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		I've never really gotten this protector thing. The only person who knows what's best for me is me. The only person who is able to evaluate whether another person is compatible with me or not, is me. Sure I think it's good to have a friend, online or not, who is experienced , to seek advise from, but I don't think it would be in any benefit for me if that person would have any more critical effect on the process than just that, answer my questions constructively. If someone thought that little of me that he'd/she'd think I didn't have enough judgement to decide whom I communicate and/or associate with, I would experience that as utter disrespect. So my opinion for the opening post is that I don't think the friends vs. protector dynamic is in the interest to the friend.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 1:59:58 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		CT, it is nice of you to be helping her sort this out. I think it is a common practice, but always one with ulterior motives. She needs to talk to all types of people and decide what she wants by herself.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/17/2007 2:24:45 PM   
SimplySubmissive


Posts: 216
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

hi everyone,

i am posting this for a friend, i dont have first hand experience with this topic, so any feed back would be appreciated

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself

she is not looking right now, but she does want to post the question to the fora with out ruffling his peacock (my word not hers) feathers.

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?

I t's good to have some one experienced in this lifestyle to ask questions of, and generally help one through the whole "submissive frenzy" thing.. but that could be anyone, male or female, Dominant, ot submissive. Why isolate someone who is trying to learn if there isn't some other motivation?


(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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