RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you?

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/20/2007 4:20:43 PM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i don't explain BDSM or that i'm a submissive to a DaddyDom to my family and/or friends for one simple fact - they are deeply rooted in the Christian faith. nothing worse than explaining to them at a family gathering why i'm wearing a metal "wedding" ring around my neck - so i'm allowed to remove my collar when i'm with family.

Christian, or just conservative? If the former, you could argue the point. Jesus urged slaves to serve with devotion without attempting to regain their freedom. If the latter, there's not much to argue, since their faith isn't involved.

For me, as a devout believer, D/s is something sacred. It is one person bending their free will, the greatest gift humans were given (at least according to scripture), to another. What more powerful gesture can one make in such a paradigm?

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/20/2007 5:26:31 PM

BondageTopJere

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I've come up with a fairly good way of explaining some aspects of BDSM to the vanilla crowd. The conversation usually starts something like this...
Them" I can't believe my girl/boyfriend did blah blah ( fill in the blank about something, ie they cheated, had a major arguement, etc)
Me" I wouldn't know. I never have that specific problem"
Them " Everyone has that problem, What makes you so different?"

Now I got my opening. My personal philosophy is that any relationship between 2 people, BDSM or vanilla; work, friends, family: its all based on control, who has it, who doesn't. Almost anything I see in life I can breakdown to whos in control whos not, and how it affects the relationship. Makes for some good conversation over coffee, as very few vanilla types have ever thought about any relationship in those terms. Whenever the conversation turns back to what started it, I casually mention that when it comes to romantic relationships, I need to be in overall control over everything, and that my desire for control comes from a desire to protect a woman ( although I do leave out the technical bits unless they specificallly ask)

At some point they finally get what I am, and I can usually see the light bulb pop on when they do understand.

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 7:39:09 AM

softness

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From: Leeds, UK
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i had to explain to my vanilla girlfriend about BDSM .. i found it really hard because she was the first person i ever actually had to "come out" to.

I broke it down into two very dummed down sets of information ... i liked rough sex .. and i liked to feel controlled .. this was giving it to her at her comfort level in its simplest terms. she found the explanation of my kinks very easy to accept but had real problems understanding submission - and slavery just freaked her right out.

The problem came in the context of how she got to know me, we met a work which is the *only* place in my life where am not submissive. She couldn't gel my professional self with the me i was telling her about. To this day she cannot really accept the idea of submission or slavery, she can just about cope with belonging to someone. To help her with that i took her to my piercer and she chose a new ring to go in one of my piercings. Having something she had chosen being in my flesh, always reminding both of us we were together helped her to understand the idea of ownership.

i am still helping her to learn about BDSM .. but she is vanilla, to her soul,,, she cannot get herself to the headspace to empathise, she has knowledge and comprehension, but not understanding of what i am.

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veritas, respectus honorque in corio

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 8:45:48 AM

MellowSir

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Same way you explain sex to children, short simple answers. If they need to know more then they'll ask.

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 8:54:45 AM

bliss1

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I actually don't care what they know or don't know.
If I hear a negative - I will normally respond "don't knock it until you've tried it".

If they want to go further I walk away and leave them - or toss over my shoulder - at least I have a smile of my face when talking about my man - where is yours?

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 9:02:49 AM

Sekhemet

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Joined: 7/10/2004
From: Canada
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um ... whats vanilla?
where does dominance - and/or submission - when do power exchanges NOT happen?
what does "vanilla" look like?
how can you tell a D/s kiss from a vanilla kiss?
And what exactly IS the "real world"
Is a Woman in 4" heels and rubber a whore, or a Domme out there in that world you speak of ... and why?
Who is in denial - this "mysterious vanillaite" - or you who refuse to step up and admit your personal truth??
you people sound insane - you DO know this right???
XxoxX

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 9:04:18 AM

LaTigresse

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Using fast reply.......

I am trying to understand why anyone would feel the need to explain. If you are an adult in an adult relationship quite honestly it is no one else's business.

I've never had anyone ask me questions I had to answer. I know that it has been the topic of conversation when I am not around. Perhaps they are just afraid to ask, I don't know. Regardless I am not going to make any grand announcements. If someone ever does ask me they will get an honest answer. Wether they like the answer or not is their problem not mine.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 12:20:28 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sekhemet
um ... whats vanilla?

Relationships NOT based upon a transfer of authority.

quote:

where does dominance - and/or submission - when do power exchanges NOT happen?

Authority transfer being part of a relationship is NOT the same as getting involved in a personal intimate relationship BASED UPON there being an authority transfer.

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 12:52:27 PM

MsCameron

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From: Ontario, Canada
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quote:

How do you describe BDSM to people who are vanilla?

Quite simply, I don't.

It's none of their business and I never feel the need to "enlighten" anyone. I keep my private life just that.. private.

MC

_____________________________

I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going, going...
Lateralis.Tool

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 3:58:46 PM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

she found the explanation of my kinks very easy to accept but had real problems understanding submission - and slavery just freaked her right out. [...] i am still helping her to learn about BDSM .. but she is vanilla, to her soul,,, she cannot get herself to the headspace to empathise, she has knowledge and comprehension, but not understanding of what i am.

At least she's trying to wrap her head around it. I certainly get the distinction between knowing it and understanding it, though. We have a friend that would certainly have no problem knowing and accepting it, for instance, but we don't tell him, because we know he wouldn't understand the dynamic, and the misunderstandings would just end up giving rise to wierd situations and unexpected quirks in our friendship.

In some cases, though, I think it's mostly because, starting as little girls, women are now being indoctrinated with the duty to be "strong" (vanilla use of word, hence quotation marks), independant and feminist (not used in the "equal rights" sense). When they get a bit older, mass media starts hammering them with the impression that male aggression is something they need to emulate in order to fulfill this "ideal", which some also end up internalizing.

I'm convinced that the biological alpha female exists. But I'm also fairly convinced that the image being pushed now isn't her, and that it's being pushed to many who aren't inclined in that direction.

This was a problem for nephandi. She's been dreaming of slavery as long as she can remember, yet, in part due to her submissive nature, she has deeply internalized this conditioning, causing lots of internal conflict. We can honestly say she doesn't have a dominant fibre in her being, and that she is a lot happier submitting, but stripping years of conditioning to allow her to accept it without feeling guilty is a long, hard road.

I'd say your friend might very well be fully capable of understanding, and may even be submissive in some contexts, but her upbringing/conditioning does not allow her mind to take in what you're saying. Essentially, you say something that she's been taught is "wrong", yet she likes and respects you, so the dissonance between those two cognitions causes her mind to shut down any further processing of what you are describing.

A good indicator of this, from my experience, is that men seem to have no problem grasping the D/s dynamic (absence of conditioning against the dynamic), but have a lot of problems accepting S&M beyond what they consider "kinky sex" (conditioning against hurting the "weaker" sex; popular term, not mine), while lots of women can accept S&M (absence of, or weaker, conditioning against violence), but cannot grasp the D/s dynamic (conditioning against women submitting to men).

You could try explaining it in a femdom/malesub frame of reference, from the POV of the femdom. This might "outflank" her social mores, depending on how they have been internalized.

I think helping her understand you better seems like a worthwhile thing to do.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 4:22:25 PM

selilekwi

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"I have a long running history of people finding out I like BDSM, and then making a long series of unfounded and incredibly dumb remarks therein" ...
Well I have to ask what it is that you do that puts you in a position to have to explain your choices?

"How do you describe BDSM to people who are vanilla?"
Why do you feel you need to explain anything ?

"What do you say in response to the people who say it is abuse or make any other unfounded comments?"
Again why do you enter into a dialog with people about something as personal as this? What does it matter what "they" think?

"What sort of dumb thinks have you heard about BDSM?"
I've come across much misinformation around the subject of BDSM ... unfortunately much if it comes from within the community from those who claim to be experinced proponents.

[/quote]

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 4:32:14 PM

His1kitten

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I recently came out to a friend who was actually the first person that I had ever spoken to about the subject. She was very caring and curious. It is nice to have someone on the outside that I can be the total me with. My family really doesn't know, our adult children have an idea, either that or they think I am just joking around with them on my "off the cuff" comments.

I think the advice given here is wonderful. The support is awesome. If you are happy with who you are and your relationship that should be all that matters.

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 4:47:19 PM

bipolarber

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"When you confront people you love with the truth, which they are not ready to respect or understand, all you do is hurt them." -Anne Rice "Exit to Eden"

I just try to stay mum. If they have questions, I try to answer them as best I can. Usually, their language when asking will tip off where their mind is at. So I adjust accordingly. Most often, it's some friend who is following up what they think is a nasty rumor about me.
"You tie up girls and beat them?" They ask.
"Only if they ask me to... very, very nicely." I reply.

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RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? - 4/21/2007 5:01:22 PM

fem4fem69

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I don't really explain anything to anyone. On the occasion that something is mentioned in common conversation in a joking way or even not, everyone always turns to me. I am Dominate in everything I do and it is a joke that they say " If anyone was into BDSM it would be her" (if they only knew how right they are) I just smile and say nothing. And they never move it past that statement.

I have a game I often play with my sub/slave "pets". If someone enters the house and they do not know of my lifestyle I call the "pet" by there mother-given name. They know to act accordingly and that THIS person does not know. On occasion while the guest is here I will intentionally slip and call them by there slave name (to keep them in line) but no one has ever noticed that I do that accept the "pet". I do this often and with many other situations to always keep the person in there place but vanilla people don't catch on so there is never a need to explain. If someone came to me and asked me about BDSM I would point them to the web and tell them to start there, as I did when I realized what I was and have always been.

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