How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (Full Version)

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PrincessEllie -> How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:19:26 PM)

I have a long running history of people finding out I like BDSM, and then making a long series of unfounded and incredibly dumb remarks therein.

1. You're going to be in an absuive relationship and you'll get beaten every day until one day he kills you!
2. Only chauvanists are into BDSM.
3. BDSM is wrong and it's abuse!
4. People who like BDSM  have to force people because they can't get any elsewhere.
5. This is only a self abuse phase, you imagine that you like it, but you really don't.

You know what sort of comments I'm talking about, I'm sure you've all heard them at one point in time.

So, here are my questions:

How do you describe BDSM to people who are vanilla?
What do you say in response to the people who say it is abuse or make any other unfounded comments?
What sort of dumb thinks have you heard about BDSM?








LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:25:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie
How do you describe BDSM to people who are vanilla?

First off, I don't to most people.

Secondly, I tailor it to each person- their actual level of sincerity, how much we'll actually be together, how important I feel it is for them to know and accept the details

Thirdly, I never say much in any case.  Anymore than "I like kinky stuff and enjoy a relationship where the other person has the authority.  We work very well together" is probably too much for a start.
quote:


What do you say in response to the people who say it is abuse or make any other unfounded comments?

If it's what they do right away, I just repeat the sentence above, ask them if they consider me abused and re-state that I'm very fulfilled with him.  Smiles and positive attitude count for big points here.

Most people will freak out right away.  But give them a few days space, and usually they come back curious.
quote:


What sort of dumb thinks have you heard about BDSM?

I dunno, I've heard a lot on this site today that if you have certain fantasies that you're wrong and sick and that if you act out those fantasies even with informed consenting adults that you're still wrong and sick.  I think we give the vanillas a run for their money really. :)

Other people don't need to love my relationship, or even think it's good.  They do have to accept it as a valid choice AND respect my freedom to make it. 

If you show them you're happy and fulfilled, keep it simple, then it should be fine. 









OedipusRexIt -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:26:33 PM)

I've heard too many dumb things said to care any more what vanillas think.  To the extent I do care, it's simply to maintain my privacy.


Still, I can understand how submissive women in particular could get knocked for the "abusive relationship" concern.  From the outside, it must almost always look that way.

... however, there are times when it's exactly how it looks from the inside too, so it's not a point completely without merit...

As long as you know what it is, and it's what you want, then never mind what anyone else thinks.

... kids excepted, of course.  No need to ever involve kids in adult sexuality.



PrincessEllie -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:31:21 PM)

Haha, thanks guys. One of the reasons I was asking was because my mother has a history of giving me a hard time and telling me all of the things I listed. She also refuses to listen to reason and when I tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about, but she still wont let me explain. When she tells me "BDSM is abuse." I reply, "It's really not. You're very much wrong and would see how wrong you are if you researched it." To which she often says, "You're the wrong one!"

It's all very obnoxious. But I'll attempt your strategy Albatross if she ever brings it up again.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:37:53 PM)

Maybe this will help:

Reposted:
First, this is a lot like the coming out process that homosexuals have to deal with as well.

Secondly, make sure that you are prepared to handle questions and reactions that might come at you. Sometimes they might be ok with it, sometimes they might be confused, or angry or worried or other things- make sure you can handle whatever is going to be thrown at you.

Next, decide whether you think they are ready for you to come out to them. I'm out to my sister but not to my mother. I doubt I ever will come out t my mom. It's not so much about my own privacy, but about her comfort level. I don't need her to know about me being owned property in order for my relationship to be healthy with her.

Next, on a person by person basis, pick good timing. Holidays are not good. If you're telling casual friends, then do it at a party or some place where youa re being casual. If you are telling a best friend or relative, leave privacy and space to talk.

Your OWN attitude will shine through more than anything you actually say. Keep it simple, keep it generic, keep it nilla-friendly at first, and show that you are happy with this choice. Make sure that you project an attitude of confidence and sincerity. They don't have to understand the relationship as long as they understand it makes you happy.

And give it time. Coming out is a PROCESS, it rarely happens all in one bunch. The more practice you get at coming out, the easier it gets.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_673932/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#673940
questions about coming out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237
Coming Out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704
Telling Family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726
real world acceptance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people



PrincessEllie -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:42:52 PM)

Oh, thanks a lot for the links.

Honestly, I've only ever had problems with my parents. My friends think it's totally fine.
I'm starting to think that maybe my family never needs to know. Ever.
I can keep refusing to talk about it like I've been doing in the past.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:43:55 PM)

Really what's there to talk about?  If you're happy, stable, paying the bills and not getting locked up, all is pretty good.



PrincessEllie -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:47:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Really what's there to talk about?  If you're happy, stable, paying the bills and not getting locked up, all is pretty good.

Don't forget all the free bondage gear!
But yeah, you're right. I don't really have any issues with it, so why should I explain myself to anyone?

I just get so angry when she starts insulting my way of life, I can't always help myself.



hmmmmnbird -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:49:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie

Haha, thanks guys. One of the reasons I was asking was because my mother has a history of giving me a hard time and telling me all of the things I listed. She also refuses to listen to reason and when I tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about, but she still wont let me explain. When she tells me "BDSM is abuse." I reply, "It's really not. You're very much wrong and would see how wrong you are if you researched it." To which she often says, "You're the wrong one!"

It's all very obnoxious. But I'll attempt your strategy Albatross if she ever brings it up again.




If she won't listen to reason, and won't let you explain, then why are you still trying to explain? It really doesn't matter how people on here explain it. She DOESN'T want you to explain it, she just wants you to stop doing it.
She's worried about you.  She wants reassurances, not explanations.
Rather than argue with her, I would say something to effect that "I know you are worried, and I thank you for your concern. I wish you would beleive me that I am happy and fulfilled.  When you want to learn more about it let me know."
Just keep repeating that, everytime she brings it up. Try not to be defensive when you say that. She wants reassurance, not arguments or explanations.
My take on it, anyway.





LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:51:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie
I just get so angry when she starts insulting my way of life, I can't always help myself.

Took me years to train my mom just to relax and be ok with me being happy in my own way- and I'm not even out to her as far as kink goes!

The best thing to do is live maturely and happily.  In time she won't be able to do anything BUT notice that you're doing a fine job as an adult that way.



honeysuckleblue -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:52:39 PM)

Yaknow,  i really don't care what people think and it's true it's hard to make them understand.  So i have basically stopped trying, until today.  my Master allows to to date vanillas within certain limits.  A guy called from a personal add and I agreed to meet him for lunch.   guys I'm a slave and hate confrontation.  But i also believe one should look others in the eyes while speaking (  except for my Maser of course )  Anyway,,,, this guy was repulsive and there was not one bit of attraction for him.  But i sucked it up and made polite talk.  After a half an hour of listing to him talk about his soon to be ex wife, i declared i had a dr. appt.  (i do,,,,, but not till Friday) .  So i go home trying to decide how to let this guy down ( he stared at me the whole time and kept telling me how lucky he was to have such a pretty girl having lunch with him).
 
Before i could barely get into the apt, he called.  My son answered the phone and told him i wan't available at that time.  So a bit later i sat down at the computer to send him an e-mail.  i decided to go with the approach that i didn't think he would be happy with me and then told him about my lifestyle including a very demanding and astute Master.
He called me right after he got the email.
Get this,,,,,,,,,,,  he said he thought it was something he could deal with.  At which time my 21 y/o son came outside where  and declared in a loud voice " Mom is this the same guy who gave you Herpes"    Of course i don't, but i told the guy i had to get off the phone.   I wonder if he'll ever call back.   If he does, then my plan really back fored.  But asking about how to describe BDSM to vanilla's at this time just hit me in the funny bone.  



Lashra -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 1:53:01 PM)

Well actually I don't. I feel my relationship is no ones business but my own. I am sure people wonder, but thus far no one has flat out asked me why jack has bruises all over him and bite marks.[;)] And his family wouldn't ask him because they think he is strange anyways  lol  But if someone asked me, I'd said I bit him because he tastes good and let it go at that.

~Lashra



MagiksSlave -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 2:01:54 PM)

Hon no matter how much you try you CANT explain this to people who say those things. People who say things like that dont understand BDSM because they DONT WANT TOOO and if they dont want to you can try and explain and rashanalise it all you like it isnt gunna make a lick of difference. My advise would be not to get hung up on trying to explain yourself you dont have to and to just ignore people that make comments like that.


Magik's slave



HarleyKitty69 -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 2:05:00 PM)

If I would have to explain it they would not understand
so why evev try ??



MasterFireMaam -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 2:48:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

If you're happy, stable...


Total thread hijack....

I have just been overwhelmed with imaginary singing of angels....anyone remember "If your happy and you know it, clap your hands?" from bible school?

If you're happy and your stable, beat your mate! *clap clap*
If you're happy and your stable, beat your mate! *clap clap*
If you're happy and your stable, well, then surely you are able,
If you're happy and your stable, beat your mate! *clap clap*

Back to our regularly scheduled program...

It best to let the other people ask questions. When they make a statement like those quoted by the OP, say something like, "I disagree, but I'm happy to discuss it with you. What would you like to know?" This only works, however, if 1) they actually want to be informed and 2) you're open to answering questions and 3) you can easily remove yourself from the conversation if it gets heated.

Master Fire



sublizzie -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 3:29:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie
One of the reasons I was asking was because my mother has a history of giving me a hard time and telling me all of the things I listed. She also refuses to listen to reason and when I tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about, but she still wont let me explain.


I have adult UMs. I have NO interest in knowing what's going on in their bedrooms. They are happy in their relationships and that's fine with me. I happen to know that they are kinky but I don't ask questions and they don't volunteer information. I *do not* tell MY mother about my interests. It is none of her business what goes on in my bedroom. As long as I am happy and content, that's all she really needs to know about.

It's perfectly acceptable to tell one's mother, "My sex life in none of your business just like your's is none of mine. I'm happy. I hope you are happy. Now.... What are the chances the Twins will get to the World Series?" Mis-direction works wonders!

{spelling edit}



Suleiman -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 3:31:16 PM)

Honestly, I try not to deal with those sorts of people. If they make some idiotic remark, I ignore them. If they seem genuinely interested, I will answer their questions, but I cut my teeth dealing with morons who think D&D is the gateway to satanism. I don't have the time, energy,tolerance, or enthusiasm nessesary to convince some twit, well-meaning or not, to let go of their prejudices.



LadyPact -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 3:32:12 PM)

I've got limited experience in coming out, but I have to say what little I have felt really good.  I like being honest about Myself.  Just Me, I guess.
 
Of course, I think I have a much easier time of it than a submissive would.  After all, nobody gets the feeling that they need to "save Me" from the harm that's being inflicted.  It's got to be a lot tougher on the other end of the whip.
 
Edited to add..... MasterFireMaam.... Great, now that song will be stuck in My head all day  *laughs*



SimplyMichael -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 3:33:11 PM)

I explain it that BDSM provides a healthy framework to safely explore facets of yourself and that a major part of why I love it is that to do it well requires that you look inward and examine your own motivations.  That exploration has resulted in me becoming a vastly nice, deeper, more considerate person as well as allowing me to have more connected relationships.

Short version is I am a better person for having learned to beat women.



Casie -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/19/2007 3:52:26 PM)

I simply don't it is none of there business, what happens in my relationships and my bedroom is my bussiness alone. Now if someone is truly curious, I will  explain it, although it's differnt each time depending on the person and what I think they are best able to understand. I also, suggest books, and websites.



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