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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 6:20:30 AM

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There's already been some good advice given, so I'll just make an observation.

Its a funny thing about this lifestyle I've noticed over the last decade or so I've been involved in it, it seems like for many when they get involved in it they somehow forget how to date. I see it all the time in profiles, personal ads, posts on various msg boards... people seem to think you should or can go from just met to relationship instantly. What happened to dating, to getting to know a person, to just having a little fun? I'm not suggesting anyone be a "player" but really... what happened to dating? I've heard it attributed to "sub-frenzy," "dom-frenzy," and a variety of other causes; but whatever the reason it seems to be common place to rush in where common sense ought to be screaming "slow down".

So here's my suggestion... try dating again. Try talking to each other again. There's time enough for whips and chains, collars and leashes later... but in the beginning, try just dating and get to know the other person for who they are as a person.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 6:21:13 AM

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Now I supose you'll want one from me too ehhhhh Ohh the tangle of beards.......

...Musing over the thought of tangled beards...Foster's...darts...spontaneous combustion...Oh...shoot! I just remembered you are both Doms...Pulling my head out of a lovely fantasy <grin>.

aurora...just the fact that you question it tells me that you will survive the experience and with a bit of luck, find exactly what you didn't even know you were looking for. Sweet Serendipity (Happy Accident) is always the best.

<<< Leans close and whispers softly in her ear >>> "Now I'm curious...." ~ VWEG~

< Message edited by IronBear -- 3/4/2006 6:22:21 AM >

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http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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(in reply to Cloudz)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 6:22:20 AM

PenelopePitstop

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

Most people call it "dating."

quote:

ORIGINAL: PenelopePitstop
I can see why test-driving might be deemed necessary, but how many people in real life do we test-drive?

Yah, I thought of that just after I posted, but my approach to dating is more along the lines of getting to know someone better - not unlike a test-drive, but it seems so cold and clinical to call it a test drive.

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Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

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(in reply to MsIncognito)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 6:27:05 AM

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From: Pennsylvania
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Call it dating. Please don't call it a "collar of consideration". That makes me laugh. I'm not into a lot of the lifestyle protocol and find much of it nonsense. My knee jerk reaction is to ask "What you considering with that collar?"

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(in reply to PenelopePitstop)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 6:29:31 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Now I supose you'll want one from me too ehhhhh Ohh the tangle of beards.......

Not with that much fosters on your breath old friend

And there would be too much chance of beard friction causing spontanious combustion!

OH NO!!

It is way too early for these visuals to be floating around in my head.

AND I just had breakfast!

PLEEEEEEEZE STOP!!

tyvm!!

*kisses to both the domly ones for being 'good boys'*

*runs away laughing hysterically*

(in reply to RavenMuse)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 6:35:07 AM

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You deal with it by being as honest as you can.

You say upfront that you want to try out things, that you aren't looking for a full-time relationship but want to explore and get to know each other both in and out of scene.

Frankly I think submission and dominance grows over time so every encounter will seem shallow compared to later encounters with that same person.

From the other side of the equation this is what I do all the time.

Sure there are lots of folks who just want to dive in but doesn't mean you have to.

On the other hand, the OP says that this is advice received. You have to figure out what is the best approach for you.

If you want to give this advice a try and "test drive" I stand by my honesty upfront advice and finding someone(s) with similar approaches.

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(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 6:35:28 AM

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Ok, I'm going the other route here. Alot so far have given you sound advice. Between the reading, knowing ones self, etc....

But I believe in test driving as it's been put. I might find myself attracted to someone for one reason, or another. But other things are not there. I might feel the need, the pull to submit to this one, and upon doing so, things not go right. They may want more than i'm willing to go. And with out the "test drive" how are we to know. Sure we can talk about it, communicate. But until the drive begins, neither still knows how things are going to handle.

I've never felt cheap in my search of what I looking for. I personally want to know who I am dealing with. I want to see things, hear things, feel things. And know that things are right between us. I've seen others posting on this forum of things people like and would like to explore. I too have things I would like to explore. Reading about them, isn't going to help decide if i'm actually into it or not though. (though there are things i've read on here that I knew right up front.. NO WAY IN HELL!... lol) I need to know that the one I'm with either knows how to do things, or is open or not to learning more of my interest, as well as being willing to explore more of themselves and other things.

And that is only the sexual parts. On the non sexual aspects. I have to know mentally and emotionally that things are connecting. The seriousness, of a relationship is no different here than any other. You want to know you're going to safe, secure and happy. Well you can't know, till you try. Water cold? Don't know for sure? Stick toe in and test the temp. Well then in this case, you're not having to worry about just a toe, you have to worry about the whole body, mind and soul.

And lord forbid, you also have to think and know of other aspects, are you or they bringing little ones in, jobs, family, etc...

So getting out there and "test driving" isn't as bad as it sounds. The key is knowing yourself... knowing your limits now... and checking out the latest deal.... Don't settle for less than what you're worth... because a bargain.. isn't always a bargain.. specially when one is dealing with ones heart, mind and soul.

Ok this commercial is over now... we return you to you regularly scheduled programming... lol

Edited to add: PADRIAG!!!!!!!!!!! you're back... so nice to see you again.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 3/4/2006 6:36:53 AM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 7:08:39 AM

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Most things we do in life begin with a 'test drive', don't they? We begin dating someone, we start a new friendship, start a new job, join a club, and I believe in most states there is a 3-day "buyers remorse" clause that lets you change your mind and return any major purchase..... if we suddenly realize it's not something we enjoy or it doesn't work for us, we 'turn it back in'.

It just sounds more callous to call it 'test drive' when it deals with human emotion.

(in reply to Cloudz)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 7:11:19 AM

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You should never buy a car without test driving it first.

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(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 7:19:36 AM

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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If I get a trik without test driving her around the bloch and through the sand hills and through water,, I at least want a manufacturer's warrantee and a workshop report stating that everything is as it should be,,,,....... Ohh and I'll want a couple of spare tires with good treds on them too......... Ermmm best add a complete tool kit and a box of spare parts as well....

_____________________________

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Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 7:43:38 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

There's already been some good advice given, so I'll just make an observation.

Its a funny thing about this lifestyle I've noticed over the last decade or so I've been involved in it, it seems like for many when they get involved in it they somehow forget how to date. I see it all the time in profiles, personal ads, posts on various msg boards... people seem to think you should or can go from just met to relationship instantly. What happened to dating, to getting to know a person, to just having a little fun? I'm not suggesting anyone be a "player" but really... what happened to dating? I've heard it attributed to "sub-frenzy," "dom-frenzy," and a variety of other causes; but whatever the reason it seems to be common place to rush in where common sense ought to be screaming "slow down".

So here's my suggestion... try dating again. Try talking to each other again. There's time enough for whips and chains, collars and leashes later... but in the beginning, try just dating and get to know the other person for who they are as a person.

Another angle I've noticed in both the ads here and in vanilla dating sites is that people seem to develop the "kid in the candy store" mentality. They create a Chinese menu of qualifications they decide they are looking for, they find a profile that fills the bill, but if fireworks don't begin immediately, they rush back to the candy store. Or, maybe some small fireworks started on the screen, but the if the first real life connection didn't result in big fireworks, that's it, back to the store. Or, they are afraid to take that step and make a commitment because there MIGHT be an even sweeter one that they haven't tasted yet!

I've said for years now that we may sit on a bar stool, or in a church pew, wherever, and the person beside us may just be the person of our dreams, but we won't get past her big butt or his bald head to make that connection.

Another theory I have is that many people go to the personal ads after a divorce or break-up to 'get their feet wet', see what's out there. They dip a toe in, but they aren't really mentally ready to start a new relationship and, even though there are ads and personalities and (especially) photos that appeal to them, they back away.

(in reply to Padriag)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 7:51:12 AM

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quote:

So here's my suggestion... try dating again. Try talking to each other again. There's time enough for whips and chains, collars and leashes later... but in the beginning, try just dating and get to know the other person for who they are as a person.

Yes, i agree, whole heartedly. i got into this lifestyle 7 months ago and started feeling like a free whore for awhile because i had that idea that i was supposed to submit to whoever claimed to be a Dom and yada yada. Then my reason returned to me and i thought, i have to stop and get to know these guys and find out if they're even someone i like at all.

So yes - put all the D/s stuff aside and just look at the person for awhile. Get to know each other, likes, dislikes in ALL areas and then take it from there.

_____________________________

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i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to Padriag)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 8:00:21 AM

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quote:

So I guess my question is how do I gain experiance, how do I learn what I like and don't like both in play and on the mental side of things, the day to day side of things with out feeling negative about doing it. How do I figure out just how much controle I can and want to give up with out actually experianceing it.

When I was new I wanted to experience everything. I was curious about so many things. However I never test drove any Dom to gain the experience. I never got with a Dom to see if I liked to be flogged, or bound or how much I could submit. I was confident that once I had met the right Dom there would be no question about my level of submission to him. For me I was willing to wait until I found someone with the same likes, dislikes, desires, compatibility, chemistry, interests and so on.

Once I did meet that person who became my 1st Dom the one and only one I felt was right for me and what I wanted in a Dom and whom I had grown to trust. It was he I submitted too and where I began my experiences. This is where I learned. I felt strongly I did what my mind, heart and own beliefs told me was the way to go.This was the right way for me.

I kept in mind to what others said I should or shouldn't do.To their opinions and advice but in the end is was - I listened to myself what I felt was right for me and it was a beautiful learning positive experience.
Do what you feel is best for you- listen to yourself don't doubt what you feel and enjoy your journey.
all my best to you

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 8:12:09 AM

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good goddess, I wake to IB and Raven blowing kisses and Cloudz with them in retsraints! and all before coffee!

aurora, I am now going to give you MNSHO--let's drop the term "test drive" and replace it with "experience"--I will venture to say that any of My esteemed colleagues can count at least a few submissives/slaves that have passed through their lives that they are no longer with or were with and it didn't work out--call it test drive, call it dating call it what you will---but they didn't get to the profiles they have today without gaining "experience and wisdom"---one cannot know what the candy tastes like if one merely stands outside the store all day and imagines--all one can do is think how pretty and appetizing it all looks...

Now given that--I will agree with some of the things put forward---read but one doesn't learn to drive the BMW out of a book--you have to develop experiences and you won't get them if you don't experiment--but here is where the dance of the saber begins--how to know and what to do--I don't think you can recognize the chemistry if you haven't tried it. That's how you get that list of yes' and no's--experience. And experience does not equate to sex or intimacy unless you decide.

Use your arrogance and your will--until you agree to commit there is nothing more than two people seeking--you have every right to gain experience! Now I also agree with a mentor---someone you can talk to, ask questions, say the things you might not say to a Dom--and that mentor can indeed be a Dom or Domme---I personally have mentored all types--but at the end of the day the decision you make is yours---but with some insight---a good mentor will focus on YOU, your needs your growth, your journey---for right now it is all about you. I had a few mentors, a Dom, a Domme and a "crash test dummy" that I used to test skills and technique--I still have someone today I go to with "intimate questions" (and She happens to post on this site) who I greatly respect.

As for Collar levels. I for One am a strong believer in those--now there are many who use them foolishly, but then there are those that use engagement and wedding rings foolishly too---but though I believe in One's own way, I hold strongly to some protocols and rituals.

Know your head, trust your instincts and if One feels like a wolf in sheep's clothing, he probably is--shut the door and move on, but at least try the candy to know what "flavor" you favor.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 3/4/2006 8:14:50 AM >

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(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 8:25:43 AM

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I think that "test driving" is good advice. You don't look at a car and invest $20,000 in it. You get in, take a spin, drive it around, get a feel for how fast it can go, how it handles corners and how well the brakes work. Why wouldn't you do the same with a person that you are going to trust with your life?

When test driving a car you adjust the seat to fit you, adjust the mirrors, put on your seatbelt, and start driving, that doesn't mean you are completely at home in this car immediately. You don't bring your favorite driving CD's along, you don't have your box of tissues and your maps and what ever else is in your glove compartment in your current car. You don't take a mountainous and curvy road at 60mph the first 5 min driving this car, not until you have a better feel for how it drives.

You don't look at a person and decide that they are the one you will spend your life or at least a significant portion of it with. You get to know them, slowly get comfortable, discuss your limits and start dating.

Do you buy the first car you test drove? Maybe, maybe not. But in the end if you test drive enough cars and make a level headed decision not based on the car with the best paint job and the prettiest chrome grill, but on the car that felt the best when you drove it, handled the corners with ease and the brakes worked well, you will be not only safe, but happy as well.

Oh, and did I mention that when you test drive a car...someone at the lot knows who you are, what car you are in, and an approximation of where you are going and how long you will be gone? And sometimes, they even go with you.

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(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 8:31:10 AM

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It's okay to test drive a car....it's not okay to leave dirty footprints all over it and leave all your trash behind for someone else to clean up.

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 8:31:10 AM

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Sometimes I think a little bit of detachment and using a discerning/critical eye would prevent a lot of the heartache we read on these boards. Some people get so caught up in finding their "one" that they throw common sense out the window. There seems to be a tendency in this lifestyle to romanticize things quite a bit and I think that leads to unrealistic expectations and ultimately disappointment.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PenelopePitstop
Yah, I thought of that just after I posted, but my approach to dating is more along the lines of getting to know someone better - not unlike a test-drive, but it seems so cold and clinical to call it a test drive.

(in reply to PenelopePitstop)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 9:15:42 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

Aurora let me ask you this . . . who are you?

The way I see it is if You want a BMW you don't test drive an Escort.
Sure the escort might be affordable and provide the transportation
you need, but the handling and ride that feels right sure isn't going
to be there. I've gotta agree with you, Cheap is cheap. (yup
Bear this applies to Dom/Masters too) But being a realist I understand
that there is going to be few BMW's I can afford and of those that I
can some are just going to need too much work. This is where knowing
who you are comes in . . once you know that it's easier to cull the herd.

Q

No, one doesn't test drive an Escort when one wants a BMW. But one does test drive a Lincoln, a Jag, a Lexis, a Caddy and even a high end luxury Kia, to be sure that the BMW is truely what they want. (I'm fond of Lincoln's and Caddy's myself. And yes, I have test drove all to be sure) Hell, even is you're looking at just Beemers there is more then just one model out there. How do you know which works for you until you tried them? Cheap may be cheap, but there's still more then one choice to the type of quality one wants.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 9:18:58 AM

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You know Miss Hathor, I was all set to say this diatribe about "test driving" and it's benefits until I scrolled down and saw your post. All I could say was "Dang, this young lady already beat me to it. Guess I'll have to get up earlier tomorrow." LOL Very well said and I agree.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to MHOO314)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 11:12:19 AM

TemptingNviceSub

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Aurora31..Thank you so much for asking this question, your very same thoughts and concerns have been rambling about in my head as well,and you put it much more concisely than I would of been able to ...so Thank You..After reading responses,I have found most if not all to be very well thought out.However I must express I preferred Padriags response as it somewhat mirrored my feelings on the subject...be well..Tempting

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

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