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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 11:16:56 AM

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Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aurora31

On more then one occasion in my journey of exploring my submission I have been advised that I need to "test drive" different Doms so as to find out what it is that I want in a Dom. While I can understand and appreciate this concept, I am having a hard time with it. I find it very hard to truely submit on casual basis or even with those who I have established a strong friendship with. Also I feel guilty and cheap in doing this. Even if it is just on-line let alone in r/t.

So I guess my question is how do I gain experiance, how do I learn what I like and don't like both in play and on the mental side of things, the day to day side of things with out feeling negative about doing it. How do I figure out just how much controle I can and want to give up with out actually experianceing it.

Early on in my explorations a very wise person who I respect very much told me "cheaply given, cheaply valued". This has really stuck with me along with my whole "good girl" vs "bad girl" complex. I tend to feel that in submitting to diferent Doms in order to gain experiance makes me cheap.

I know I am not stating myself very clearly here it is very hard for me to put my thoughts into the written word. But hopefully I have made myself clear enough for everyone to understand. I very much look forward to hearing everyones thoughts and opinions and advise.

aurora

I think to answer your question, all you have to do is look at the vanilla world. What do you want in a man? A boyfriend? A husband? A co-habitant or common-law spouse (where applicable)?

It is simply trial and error. You embark upon a relationship and perhaps get part way into it before you realize "oh, that sucks" and you bail out to find someone different, with one more thing checked off on your list.

I am not quite sure why people have to complicate the relationship issue with kink thrown in. It is fundamentally exactly the same thing. Just now you get beats after breakfast and it is much more fun and rewarding... Heh.

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(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 12:06:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: aurora31

Early on in my explorations a very wise person who I respect very much told me "cheaply given, cheaply valued". This has really stuck with me along with my whole "good girl" vs "bad girl" complex. I tend to feel that in submitting to diferent Doms in order to gain experiance makes me cheap.

aurora

Aurora,

I think that you might be taking that advice out of context a little bit. The advice he gave was not meant to dissuade you from interacting with various people or even deferring to someone that you have met and have developed a level of trust and respect with. Dating (or "test driving") and deferring to someone that you respect does not make you cheap. How else are you to learn what you want without having various experiences? Use the wisdom that you have gained over the years and thoughtful consideration on who to date and defer to.

You are a smart girl and you have a good head on your shoulders. It might take some time, but you will eventually find someone. And if not, you can always come to Edmonton and we will find out who screams the loudest *eg*

Knight’s kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 12:38:10 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling
Once I did meet that person who became my 1st Dom the one and only one I felt was right for me and what I wanted in a Dom and whom I had grown to trust. It was he I submitted too and where I began my experiences. This is where I learned. I felt strongly I did what my mind, heart and own beliefs told me was the way to go.This was the right way for me.

It's lovely when it happens that way. But for many of us we would still be sitting around waiting for it to happen. I waited almost 30 years to experience these things and I finally knew I didn't want to die NEVER having experienced submission or kinky sex.

Over the last 5 years I have played with doms I knew would never be more than friends, I have asked respected people in my local group to give me experiences in specific things such as mummification or knife play, I have dated, I have been in relationships, and I have engaged in exciting one-time-only scenes just for the sheer joy of it.

I don't regret any of this. I don't consider it test-driving, although I have to say it has helped me learn a lot about what works for me, and has made me an experienced submissive, something that would not have happened had I waited.

This is what worked for me. It was all about grabbing the brass ring, and living instead of waiting. I've always believed that life can be short, and there is no time like the present.

It wouldn't work for everyone but yes, it works well for me. I'm going to use the time when I am single to explore, explore, explore. I don't think it makes me cheap, or desperate. I choose carefully, and breathe in every experience whole-heartedly.

It makes waiting for the right one so much easier for this impatient hedonist to do.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 12:47:27 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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Joined: 2/3/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
Now I also agree with a mentor---someone you can talk to, ask questions, say the things you might not say to a Dom--and that mentor can indeed be a Dom or Domme---I personally have mentored all types--but at the end of the day the decision you make is yours---but with some insight---a good mentor will focus on YOU, your needs your growth, your journey---for right now it is all about you.

Beautifully put, MH. I've had a mentor for many years who has the joyful task of kicking my butt when I do silly things out of sub-frustration, or get too far away from my true heart.

He calls me on my excuses, and comforts me when things go poorly, and sometimes he is the only one I can go to for a good girl when I need one.

My first dom, who was never more than a friend, still calls occasionally and says Hi, it's Daddy, checking up on his little girl. It makes us giggle, but it gives a warm feeling, and more than once it's allowed me to shed some much needed tears on a safe shoulder.

The doms I have played with in the past have not turned out to be the one I will submit to for a lifetime, but I wouldn't be who I am without them. It's all in choosing wisely!

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to MHOO314)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 12:52:13 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
And if not, you can always come to Edmonton and we will find out who screams the loudest *eg*

Knight’s kyra

Hey, I didn't realize we were neighbours!! Anytime you need to borrow a cup of sugar...

Hugs,
Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 2:04:04 PM

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Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

When I was new I wanted to experience everything. I was curious about so many things. However I never test drove any Dom to gain the experience. I never got with a Dom to see if I liked to be flogged, or bound or how much I could submit. I was confident that once I had met the right Dom there would be no question about my level of submission to him. For me I was willing to wait until I found someone with the same likes, dislikes, desires, compatibility, chemistry, interests and so on.

I think you touched on something important here and it set me to thinking. There are a number of things at work in these situations, not the least of which are the person's goals. I'll try to explain what I mean and show how that affects things.

From swtnsparkling's post it seems clear her goal has always been finding a relationship. That was where her focus was at and she behaved accordingly. She wasn't as interested in just experiencing the various fetishes, etc. so those things were less important to her. She wanted to build a relationship with someone and she knew that had to be based on a personal connection developed between two people. You can't make a relationship out of fetishes, you can't flog your way into someone's heart.

But not everyone has that goal. Not everyone is so interested in a serious relationship and that difference of goal results in a difference in behavior. For some, particularly those just discovering this lifestyle its like being in a candy store filled with all the fantasies they may have repressed. They want to finally be able to have all these experiences, but its not important to them if its in the context of a relationship or not... that may be secondary to them or perhaps not even on the agenda at all. Such individuals will be more interested in finding a play partner, but may feel they have to dive into some sort of relationship to have that (maybe they need the context of a relationship not to feel like a slut, or just so they can feel secure, or maybe they do want some sort of emotional connection even if it isn't serious... there are lots of possible reasons).

I think a lot of cases of dom-frenzy and sub-frenzy are really about people who are sort of on a "sugar high" in that candy store... they've suddenly realized they can have what they've been dreaming of... whether it be a LTR kinky relationship or the fetish experiences or both... and they don't know how to slow down and take their time with it.

I also think in both cases its a good idea to just "date". In the first example I gave, someone seeking a relationship dating within the lifestyle really isn't all that different than dating in the vanilla world... except the date may end with a spanking instead of a kiss and he might bring you leather roses instead of red ones. In the second case, even if you're just looking for fetish experiences... looking for play partners really isn't all the different than looking for casual dates. You might look a little differently and in different places (munches and clubs instead of dance clubs and the laundry mat) and you'll use a little different approach, but really its about the same thing. Honestly, I think even a lot of the risks are about the same. I've yet to see a statistic that shows per capita that instances of date rape, for example, are any higher within the lifestyle than they are vanilla dating. I wonder sometimes if we're scaring ourselves in this lifestyle with a lot of hype that is out of proportion to the real risks involved. That's not to say there is no risk, date rape does happen and so do other crimes... its just a question of how often and is it really as much as we fear.

Bottom line I think its a good idea to get to know the other person as a person. Don't go further with things than you are willing. But most of all, enjoy yourself with what you choose to do. What's the point of any of this if you aren't happy?

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 2:22:32 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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Joined: 2/3/2004
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Beautifully summed up (as always) Padriag, so wonderful to read your posts again!

Cin

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Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to Padriag)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 2:43:26 PM

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
And if not, you can always come to Edmonton and we will find out who screams the loudest *eg*

Knight’s kyra

Hey, I didn't realize we were neighbours!! Anytime you need to borrow a cup of sugar...

Hugs,
Cin

I am not currently in Edmonton, but my Lord and alandra are there and I visit often and I will be there permanently someday.

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 3:04:37 PM

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Joined: 10/8/2005
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quote:

Also I feel guilty and cheap in doing this. Even if it is just on-line let alone in r/t.

So I guess my question is how do I gain experiance, how do I learn what I like and don't like both in play and on the mental side of things, the day to day side of things with out feeling negative about doing it.

Do you want to work through negative feelings of guilt and shame and enjoy some experiences? Do you want to practice or date or test drive without feeling cheap? Are you looking for people to tell you it is okay and it does not make you a "bad girl"?

Or are you very comfortable with your self imposed choices (morality?) and just expressing frustration at the process.

I can't tell if you are struggling with guilt because of things you WANT to do, but feel it would be wrong. Or if you don't really want to do these things, but just are wishing for a relationship and struggling through the process of finding a compatible partner.

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 4:35:30 PM

Posts: 23
Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

So I guess my question is how do I gain experiance, how do I learn what I like and don't like both in play and on the mental side of things, the day to day side of things with out feeling negative about doing it. How do I figure out just how much controle I can and want to give up with out actually experianceing it.

Ok, my two cents for whatever they are worth.

I remember being new, wanting to try different things, reading about different things on boards and observing some in my early 'explorations' of munches. Yes, i even sought out believing that in trying out these things i grew as a submissive.

Years down the road now and i believe differently.

For me, i need to build trust with the Person i will explore with, need to talk to Him, go out with Him, feel i can say what i want when i want. i need to DATE! -smiles-

i don't focus on the kink anymore, i concentrate on the Person i am with. There is so much more to any relationship than the sex. i have tried things that i never dreamed i would try, have enjoyed things that may seem bizarre to some and nothing to others, but all in all the ONLY time i have been comfortable in 'play' is when i care about the person i am playing with.

So my adivice.. You will make your mistakes, you will probably 'try' things with the wrong person, but all in all you seem to have a pretty level head on your shoulders and will be ok. Just be careful, do not place the person on a pedestal, and just be patient and take your time.

So there it is for what it may be worth.

shi

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 4:42:23 PM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Go slow.

Continually do check-ups on yourself. Give yourself room to breath and assess.

You will go towards what feels right at that point.

You're not test driving dominance- you're getting to know people's character and letting them get to know yours. If the dominance and submission is there, then it will be there. What you need to figure out is whether their CHARACTER works for you, not whether they are a great dom.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 4:55:38 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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Joined: 2/3/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
I am not currently in Edmonton, but my Lord and alandra are there and I visit often and I will be there permanently someday.

If you guys ever feel like a trip to Vancouver, feel free to message me for any information. We have some good parties and munches here. I'd be happy to be of help!

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:02:02 PM

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quote:

Iron Bear's Used Dom / Domme, sub / slave and Kaiila Yard

We stock the very best of used Doms, Dommes, submissives and Kaiila. All models come with a free Butt Plug.

Dirt cheap prices and plent of models available for test driving / riding.

Disclaimer
We accept no responsibilities for, or make any claim that Doms, Dommies and slaves have all parts in good working order.

Bear STOP THAT I was laughing so hard I literally fell off the sofa and scared my pups.

(in reply to IronBear)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:11:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44
No, one doesn't test drive an Escort when one wants a BMW. But one does test drive a Lincoln, a Jag, a Lexis, a Caddy and even a high end luxury Kia, to be sure that the BMW is truely what they want. (I'm fond of Lincoln's and Caddy's myself. And yes, I have test drove all to be sure) Hell, even is you're looking at just Beemers there is more then just one model out there. How do you know which works for you until you tried them? Cheap may be cheap, but there's still more then one choice to the type of quality one wants.

Exactly what I meant MrDiscipline! You already knew you'd not be happy with just wheels cause you ~know~ you.... And that IS when the test driving comes in!

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:25:51 PM

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quote:

Beautifully summed up (as always) Padriag, so wonderful to read your posts again!

Cin

Cin beat me to it :) and I am in agreement with her.
Thank you for posting when you do. I have always enjoyed them

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Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to Padriag)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 5:43:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

Many already do this. It's called a collar of consideration *runs and ducks*

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

It's a serious subject and as much as I agree with you lass, there is a converse side too. Perhaps nre Doms need to Test Drive subs to see what they really want.

I have never seen a collar of consideration as being a way of people 'test driving' each other. I have always seen it as a stage in a commitment, something like a vanilla engagement ring. In other words, it signifies your intention to permanently commit, not that you are still shopping around.

How did I miss that 'runs and ducks'? I think it's time for me to go to bed.

< Message edited by Prunesquallor -- 3/4/2006 5:44:59 PM >

(in reply to MsIncognito)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 7:39:59 PM

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Joined: 8/18/2005
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Kyra. thank you for the kind words. And no I do not let those words that KoM so wisely stated defer me from submitting...this is a battle that has gone on with in me long before but they do ring so true to me and have really stuck with me.

As for coming to Edmonton, as soon as I win the lottary, I still very much wish that I had the means to get there. I will win hands down when I do get there....lol. I promise you that. Now I just need to practice wonders if KoM might lay over in St Louis on one of his trips south *EG*

aurora

(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 7:42:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

Do you want to work through negative feelings of guilt and shame and enjoy some experiences? Do you want to practice or date or test drive without feeling cheap? Are you looking for people to tell you it is okay and it does not make you a "bad girl"?

Or are you very comfortable with your self imposed choices (morality?) and just expressing frustration at the process.

I can't tell if you are struggling with guilt because of things you WANT to do, but feel it would be wrong. Or if you don't really want to do these things, but just are wishing for a relationship and struggling through the process of finding a compatible partner.

A little of both I am afraid. I very much want to work through the negative feelings. I don't want any one to tell me it is ok, the only opinion that maters there is my own. Yet I need to decide where to draw the line with my own morality for I am no longer sure and waiver back and forth. I am struggeling with these issues because part of me does want to do them...part of me says it is wrong to want to do them and I am struggeling with how to best go about finding a compatable partner.

aurora

< Message edited by aurora31 -- 3/4/2006 7:50:16 PM >

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 7:53:27 PM

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Joined: 8/18/2005
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I want to thank every one for the great input. It has given me much to think about. And for all those who pointed out that it is not much different then nilla dating. This is a given for me that everything needs to line up on a nilla level first and foremost...then add the D/s to the equation.

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 8:16:17 PM

Posts: 164
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Yes I can see the sales domme says yes this male slave was only driven by a little old Domme on the weekends when the wife was at church in the heart of the Bible belt. The truth is the best way to test a Dom is by attending munches and see how they react in a social setting also at play parties. When you went out on a date are you cheeping yourself by dating the different guys before you discover this lifestyle. Is there any difference with this concept versus getting to know the Dom in these different environments?

(in reply to aurora31)

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