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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/4/2006 10:56:18 PM

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From: Barrie, ON Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aurora31

I want to thank every one for the great input. It has given me much to think about. And for all those who pointed out that it is not much different then nilla dating. This is a given for me that everything needs to line up on a nilla level first and foremost...then add the D/s to the equation.

Yeah, just think of it like ice cream. Do you leave it plain, or do you sprinkle it with nuts? lol. Either way, fundamentally it is still ice cream.

I think the biggest mistake people make is the assumption that BDSM relationships are somehow magically different than vanilla ones because you add kink into the mix. They are not. Take the rules you learned about vanilla courting and apply them to BDSM courting. Go read a book from a well known psychologist and you will be all set.

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 7:50:21 AM

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Unfortunately I have seen them used in that way. The Dom offers the collar of consideration (or he may make the girl beg for it if he really thinks he's something) and then "considers" her for 3, 6 maybe even 9 or more months before releasing her because she's not "suitable" (whatever that means). When you see the same Dominants doing this over and over, well, you kind of lose respect for the whole idea.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prunesquallor
I have never seen a collar of consideration as being a way of people 'test driving' each other. I have always seen it as a stage in a commitment, something like a vanilla engagement ring. In other words, it signifies your intention to permanently commit, not that you are still shopping around.

(in reply to Prunesquallor)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 8:10:20 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prunesquallor
I have never seen a collar of consideration as being a way of people 'test driving' each other. I have always seen it as a stage in a commitment, something like a vanilla engagement ring. In other words, it signifies your intention to permanently commit, not that you are still shopping around.

How did I miss that 'runs and ducks'? I think it's time for me to go to bed.

I've always seen it as both a way to "feel out" what the relationship will proceed to be and a sign to others that you're looking into a committed relationship with someone, basicly telling them to back the fuck off. Sadly, not everyone considers a collar to be as serious as the next person. I think how one reacts to a collar of consideration shows their values about as pertaining to relationships.

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 8:16:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I've always seen it as both a way to "feel out" what the relationship will proceed to be and a sign to others that you're looking into a committed relationship with someone, basicly telling them to back the fuck off. Sadly, not everyone considers a collar to be as serious as the next person. I think how one reacts to a collar of consideration shows their values about as pertaining to relationships.

BRAVO! I agree completely--when the boy and I felt we had something, I offered and he accepted, W/we used it as a way to tell others we were in the early stages--to some its silly to others its more meaningful---as I said in another post--I don't cast aspersions on your protocols, please don't caste them at Mine--

<hmm He beat the Mistress to the typing this morning--makes note to stop sleeping in>

edited to save space

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 3/5/2006 8:18:11 AM >

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 9:23:12 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

when the boy and I felt we had something, I offered and he accepted, W/we used it as a way to tell others we were in the early stages--to some its silly to others its more meaningful---as I said in another post--I don't cast aspersions on your protocols, please don't caste them at Mine--

<hmm He beat the Mistress to the typing this morning--makes note to stop sleeping in>

edited to save space

MHOO , I agree with you here. And I have to say, I have never seen you casting aspersions on anyone.. you state your own opinions.. and etc.... I repect your post and comments.

How others feel about collars of considerations..... to each their own of course. I have to admit I personally think of it as showing too two people working in the begining of what they hope to be a life time of happiness. No different really from an engagement ring. It to me allows others to see.. and know.. i'm "off the market" so please respect the collar , ring, whatever one chooses... and side step me.. so to speak. But then again.. to each there own.

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 10:41:36 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

good goddess, I wake to IB and Raven blowing kisses and Cloudz with them in retsraints! and all before coffee!

aurora, I am now going to give you MNSHO--let's drop the term "test drive" and replace it with "experience"--I will venture to say that any of My esteemed colleagues can count at least a few submissives/slaves that have passed through their lives that they are no longer with or were with and it didn't work out--call it test drive, call it dating call it what you will---but they didn't get to the profiles they have today without gaining "experience and wisdom"---one cannot know what the candy tastes like if one merely stands outside the store all day and imagines--all one can do is think how pretty and appetizing it all looks...

Now given that--I will agree with some of the things put forward---read but one doesn't learn to drive the BMW out of a book--you have to develop experiences and you won't get them if you don't experiment--but here is where the dance of the saber begins--how to know and what to do--I don't think you can recognize the chemistry if you haven't tried it. That's how you get that list of yes' and no's--experience. And experience does not equate to sex or intimacy unless you decide.

Use your arrogance and your will--until you agree to commit there is nothing more than two people seeking--you have every right to gain experience! Now I also agree with a mentor---someone you can talk to, ask questions, say the things you might not say to a Dom--and that mentor can indeed be a Dom or Domme---I personally have mentored all types--but at the end of the day the decision you make is yours---but with some insight---a good mentor will focus on YOU, your needs your growth, your journey---for right now it is all about you. I had a few mentors, a Dom, a Domme and a "crash test dummy" that I used to test skills and technique--I still have someone today I go to with "intimate questions" (and She happens to post on this site) who I greatly respect.

As for Collar levels. I for One am a strong believer in those--now there are many who use them foolishly, but then there are those that use engagement and wedding rings foolishly too---but though I believe in One's own way, I hold strongly to some protocols and rituals.

Know your head, trust your instincts and if One feels like a wolf in sheep's clothing, he probably is--shut the door and move on, but at least try the candy to know what "flavor" you favor.

quote:

good goddess, I wake to IB and Raven blowing kisses and Cloudz with them in retsraints! and all before coffee!
< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 3/4/2006 8:14:50 AM >

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MHOO,

I've always thought coffee was overrated <weg>

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(in reply to MHOO314)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 10:46:24 AM

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I am so glad you are back Dear Cloudz!

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 10:47:49 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

I am so glad you are back Dear Cloudz!

Thank you lovely lady, it is always best to play among friends :)

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to MHOO314)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 2:28:52 PM

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Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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ok...a collar of consideration I understand.

So...what would you say if the dom you had been seeing/talking to told you that you are now his 'common-law-slave'? Basically someone who serves but without the same 'rights' *lol* or expectations as a full-fledged slave...he likened it to a collar of consideration, so, that is why I am asking here.

And also, basically, it's like this; he knows that I don't 'play around' and that I am looking for something different than playing here with one, and there with another. I like to serve only one. So, he ALSO told me that if I find someone who I think is more suitable, that I should come to him...and then, he would have the option of either (gasp!) making a reasonable comittment, or releasing me to pursue other 'pleasures'.

I'm not sure how to take this, especially since he teases me unmercifully about it. He is 'my' Master, but I am not 'his' slave...if this makes any sense?

sheesh!

And I thought vanilla was tough!

confused and concerned and...collared kinda... (?!!)

(in reply to Cloudz)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 2:38:19 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
So, he ALSO told me that if I find someone who I think is more suitable, that I should come to him...and then, he would have the option of either (gasp!) making a reasonable comittment, or releasing me to pursue other 'pleasures'.

I'm not sure how to take this, especially since he teases me unmercifully about it. He is 'my' Master, but I am not 'his' slave...if this makes any sense?

Uhmmm...Okay, I may be wrong here...but that just sounds like a bunch of fast-talk to me. He doesn't want to make a commitment to you but because he knows you do want to make a commitment he is implying there "maybe" one??

Sounds like it's all convenient on his part...he gets to eat his cake, and have it too??

Sorry, but it if moos like a cow and gives milk...Watch out for manure!

Cindi

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quote:

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 2:45:18 PM

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Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

ok...a collar of consideration I understand.

So...what would you say if the dom you had been seeing/talking to told you that you are now his 'common-law-slave'? Basically someone who serves but without the same 'rights' *lol* or expectations as a full-fledged slave...he likened it to a collar of consideration, so, that is why I am asking here.

And also, basically, it's like this; he knows that I don't 'play around' and that I am looking for something different than playing here with one, and there with another. I like to serve only one. So, he ALSO told me that if I find someone who I think is more suitable, that I should come to him...and then, he would have the option of either (gasp!) making a reasonable comittment, or releasing me to pursue other 'pleasures'.

I'm not sure how to take this, especially since he teases me unmercifully about it. He is 'my' Master, but I am not 'his' slave...if this makes any sense?

sheesh!

And I thought vanilla was tough!

confused and concerned and...collared kinda... (?!!)

Uh ok, Im confused here---what the heck is a common-law-slave?? IronBear? Is that Gorean?

Sounds like he is making things up as he goes, well that is what we do in the life to some extent--so I guess My question is---is this what you want---your tone sounds hesitant and from what you have said, --he doesn't seem to be respecting your wants and desires--it does after all take two to make the dynamic--so Im hoping you didn't say ok and even if you did, I'd back out of the room.

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 2:47:05 PM

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aurora, i get from your post that your not into casual relationships. So my response is coming from that point of view.

If your looking for a Master with the potential to commit to a long term relationship, I really dont see the necessity in "test driving" him. A committed long term relationship isnt reliant on the forms of play you enjoy, play is just a product, something you do as a side salad to the relationship, it has nothing to do with the foundation of the relationship itself. It really has nothing to do with the Dominant/submissive underlaying dynamic either.

Just like if you were going into a vanilla relationship, you would use the same testing stones. You would spend time with them to get to know their personality, their views on life, their way of living and being in the world. You would be able to assess their Dominant characteristics and styles just by being with them, there is no need to put yourself in a position to feel guilty or cheap.

You have expressed a need to know what kind of things you enjoy doing in regards to play, the only way you are going to find this out, given your personality is by exploring with a partner you know and trust. Doing exactly the same thing with different partners can give you totally different reactions...well thats how it is for me anyways..so there is no hard and fast rule of..I really enjoy this, or dont enjoy this, full stop. A lot of what I take pleasure in, in regards to play has to do with the dynamic between my partner and myself at any given time.

P.S. Sorry if I have repeated something already said, I admit I didnt read all the posts.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 2:49:22 PM

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GEEZ!!

Can I just stop by and remind everyone that there are many paths to the same destination. Collar of consideration...if you were vanilla is it okay if I offer to "go steady" or "be exclusive" in our relationship...or how about we become engaged? These all speak of intent...like a collar of consideration...

JUST because we identify as BDSM or D/s do we HAVE to all think EXACTLY alike? DO you HAVE to be an idiot simply because you have different views than mine. Tolerance people TOLERANCE in all things. We breathe the same air...take a deep breath!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
So, he ALSO told me that if I find someone who I think is more suitable, that I should come to him...and then, he would have the option of either (gasp!) making a reasonable comittment, or releasing me to pursue other 'pleasures'.

I'm not sure how to take this, especially since he teases me unmercifully about it. He is 'my' Master, but I am not 'his' slave...if this makes any sense?

Uhmmm...Okay, I may be wrong here...but that just sounds like a bunch of fast-talk to me. He doesn't want to make a commitment to you but because he knows you do want to make a commitment he is implying there "maybe" one??

Sounds like it's all convenient on his part...he gets to eat his cake, and have it too??

Sorry, but it if moos like a cow and gives milk...Watch out for manure!

Cindi

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 3:31:53 PM

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

ok...a collar of consideration I understand.

So...what would you say if the dom you had been seeing/talking to told you that you are now his 'common-law-slave'? Basically someone who serves but without the same 'rights' *lol* or expectations as a full-fledged slave...he likened it to a collar of consideration, so, that is why I am asking here.

And also, basically, it's like this; he knows that I don't 'play around' and that I am looking for something different than playing here with one, and there with another. I like to serve only one. So, he ALSO told me that if I find someone who I think is more suitable, that I should come to him...and then, he would have the option of either (gasp!) making a reasonable comittment, or releasing me to pursue other 'pleasures'.

I'm not sure how to take this, especially since he teases me unmercifully about it. He is 'my' Master, but I am not 'his' slave...if this makes any sense?

sheesh!

And I thought vanilla was tough!

confused and concerned and...collared kinda... (?!!)

What would I say?... probably something along the lines of "HUH? Want to run that by me again in a form that makes more sense?"

I'm sure you'll get something you understand and are comfortable with petal, I know you well enough to know you've a sound head on those pretty shoulders

Personaly I'd either make the commitment and go to a collar of consideration (Hopefully leading to a full collar in due course) or not. This looks like some kind of halfway house that I'm not quite seeing the commitment in.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 3:37:11 PM

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From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

So, he ALSO told me that if I find someone who I think is more suitable, that I should come to him...and then, he would have the option of either (gasp!) making a reasonable comittment, or releasing me to pursue other 'pleasures'.

Gasp is right. You can take back some control of this relationship. Why should he make all of the decisions? Just because he is the Dom/Master? Nope. The two people in the relationship should work together and define the nature and boundaries. It sounds to me like he is dictating the boundaries to you.

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(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 3:38:07 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

GEEZ!!

Can I just stop by and remind everyone that there are many paths to the same destination. Collar of consideration...if you were vanilla is it okay if I offer to "go steady" or "be exclusive" in our relationship...or how about we become engaged? These all speak of intent...like a collar of consideration...

I understand the concept of dating, but saying "I'm sort-of committed to you but won't decide unless someone else comes along and I have to chose whether to commit or let you go" sounds to me like the same bit of manure it sounded when vanilla men would say it.

I've been there, more than once, and everytime it was me convincing myself that maybe he would fall in love with me, eventually. Bah. Hogwash.

That may not be the case in this instance, as I said...but there is that chance. If he was truly considering her then why will it take her threatening to go to another dom to make up his mind?

Obviously she herself has doubts...which tells me something smells like cowpie in the pasture.

Cin

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Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

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RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 3:47:51 PM

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I've always considered it part of the dominant's responsibility to remove doubts in and about the relationship... not create them. A submissive or slave needs to feel secure about the relationship, what is expected, what the boundaries are, etc. That requires definition, that requires clarity.

In other words, if a dominant seems to be blowing a smoke screen you have to wonder why.

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(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 4:14:22 PM

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag
I've always considered it part of the dominant's responsibility to remove doubts in and about the relationship... not create them.

Well said Padriag, that is part of how I approach the responcibility at least!
I try to ensure there are no doubts about where I stand and try to create an atmosphere that enables her to ask for clarification if there is any part of it she doesn't fully understand.

Does that mean that sometimes I'm seen as dictating the terms? Yep but then it is usualy early enough that she can choose to walk if she can't agree to them or late enough that she trusts me enough to know I'm working for the best situation for BOTH of us in the relationship and me makeing such decisions/dictating certain terms is something she has already submitted to and is comfortable with.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Padriag)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 7:48:15 PM

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Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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Honestly?

The impression I get when I talk to him?

IF I reallly insisted that he make a choice either way...that I would be wearing a collar right now. But, honestly, I like taking things slow.

I know he reads my posts and this will aggravate him to no end, me thinking that he already cares that much, but...well...I do.

*lol*

Thanks for the advice all. I really consider you guys friends, and know you have my best interest at heart!

(in reply to RavenMuse)

RE: " Test driving " Doms - 3/5/2006 7:54:55 PM

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From: Pennsylvania
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I just want to add about my use of the word "dictating". Once you are in an agreed to power exchange situation, then yes the dominant has that power, because it is part of the exchange. But I think that taking it or assuming it before you've defined the parameters of what exactly is being exchanged is unfair to the other partner. It's like you are taking away their voice.

grammar edit

< Message edited by KatyLied -- 3/5/2006 7:55:27 PM >

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(in reply to xxblushesxx)

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