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RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 2:43:46 PM

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You have a right to your opinion. It is most definitely not mine. I have never bought off on the super-special snowflake mythology that BDSM folks like to talk about when they discuss their relationships. A fair number of other posters here also mock that idea. I find it MASSIVELY insulting to people I respect a great deal starting right out with my parents.I also find it utterly ludicrous given the actual facts of actual BDSM relationships. I'm still going to stick with "Her situation isn't even a blip on the radar compared to a 10 year marriage with children" in terms of emotional trauma.

I think there might... maybe.... be some potential to explore your line of reasoning in long-term BDSM relationships where actual IE has occurred. But honestly, that's what???? maybe .02% of BDSM relationships?

If I was hurting and my friends told me to "suck it up" I'd have a different circle of friends very quickly. Such opportunities are immensely useful in terms of pruning my social circles.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ServosCor)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 2:54:24 PM

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And that's why we have the message boards......to share opinions and ideas. I was simply providing a woman's POV from a stand point I could relate to.

While you say, "Her situation isn't even a blip on the radar compared to a 10 year marriage with children" in terms of emotional trauma.

..............to her it is a hurtful thing to go thru and I can sympathize with her. (My own situation was different, being together nearly 7.5 yrs)

~servos cor~

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 3:07:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ServosCor
..............to her it is a hurtful thing to go thru and I can sympathize with her.

Of course it hurts HER. I never denied that one tiny bit. I was down with friends, ice cream, counsellors and any other short or long-term measures. Seldom have I ever heard of a pleasant break up. In my experience most of them suck donkey balls. But when people start talking about how special BDSM relationships are it just makes me want to ... well.... disagree. They aren't. Adding in spicy sex or an authority structure just doesn't change that much. People who are prone to tight emotional bonding do so and then when the bond is severed it hurts. At best we might consider BDSM as a shared interest which is always great for a relationship but no different than butterfly collecting.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 1/10/2013 3:08:05 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ServosCor)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 3:15:24 PM

lizi

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I think it's good that he asked you to leave. At some point you may feel that it was good that you did go, as hard as it is to imagine now.

Not having closure is a bitch, no way around that. Think of it though...how many times do you get closure? I'd venture to say it's fairly rare. There generally isn't a civil round table discussion about why the relationship is ending, it just ends. Sometimes very abruptly; someone usually doesn't feel prepared. In my own life, the lack of closure and explanations has made me feel utterly bereft at times, but in the end I had to pick up and move on because the closure simply wouldn't be coming- I daresay that's the norm.

We're not at our best when something we valued is lost. Treat yourself kindly, try to get up each day and make it out of bed. Don't kill yourself if you don't pick up your clothes or you eat the wrong things. Talk to friends, let them comfort you. After a certain point make sure you are expecting more of yourself and you start carrying on with life. It feels like a giant glaring hole is there right beside you mocking your efforts to ignore it; do what you can to coexist with your loss till it can get to the point where you forget it for short periods of time. Then it'll get longer. Soon, an hour will go by and you'll realize you did'nt think of him or wonder why it had to end. Amazingly enough a whole day might go by at some point where you didn't think of a hundred ways to get him back, and imagine him calling you to pick things up again.

It gets better. If it didn't most of us would be crippled human beings incapable of functioning and we're not. Take comfort in the fact that things will get easier, even if you can't feel that right now.

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 3:33:47 PM

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I think that some of the people on here are having trouble grasping the fact that OP threw everything down the drain and ran to this man like a first-time teenage crush.

And, as much pain as it seems to OP, that's about the crux of it.
It was all too much too soon and they were completely besotted with the guy.
So, rejection of any sort, is going to hurt like hell.
I think that level of devotion (if you can call it that after such a short time) is more destructive than constructive.
That isn't love, it's an intense infatuation.

I think we can all grasp the pain being felt.
But to take Jeff's PoV - the whole thing was just far too short to make much of a blip on the radar of life.
And, to an extent, I agree with his views.
And just because it was a BDSM-style dynamic, it really was too short to be of any real significance.
Any good friends can be supportive in this situation without reference to the BDSM aspect of it.

OP needs some serious counselling.
But that needs to address the clinginging infatuation she found herslf in rather than anything particularly BDSM related.
I think Oside had the right answers.
OP jumped in, feet first, no parachute, no exit plan, and just prayed it was heaven.

And kudos to the Dom for realising he had a problem and acted before anyone came to any real harm.
If they ever come through it all, intact, he'll be one of the good ones.

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 3:45:23 PM

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At first, I was thinking..."she is super young..we all think we are going to die when our first love falls apart, goes away to school...it is that wonderful late teen-early twenties time. give her a little slack". However, once I realized she was almost 40...by now you should have learned some resiliency. It sucks, but worse things have & will happen...

I actually think he was pretty decent. There are more than a few "doms" who would have said "get out. Leave my keys and oh this is your replacement". At least he was willing to "make you whole"-return you to where you came from and may have some support network.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 4:11:49 PM

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I fault the guy for letting her do what she did.

I'm betting this all was his idea from the beginning, so I also fault him for asking her to do what she did.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 4:28:27 PM

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Oside............exactly!!

My friends thought i was nuts. i had never even lived with a Man before i dropped everything to be with Him. i was busy raising my babies. Once they grew up and moved out of the house, the empty nest set it and i had no one to serve. no structure. Call me weak, say that i'm using BDSM as a crutch BUT i have a servant's heart. My kids gave me the servitude i needed for so long, once they were gone......i was lost.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 4:38:02 PM

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and yes the majority of You are right, i do need counseling. But it is always readily available to one without insurance. i have been just getting by the best that i could.

and to the rest of you that think a month is no time at all, He worked at home. W/we were always together. And since i had never been married or lived with a Man, it sort of was like a first time love affair for me. Don't Judge!!

Thank you all for Your advice and i wish there was someway i could delete this whole thread because honestly, it is just a little embarrassing now!!!

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 4:41:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl

servos cor......thank you for your advice. You are right. what is a KAP therapist?

and Osidegirl..............your words stung. you are also right. i do have a codependency problem. Mental Health is not a problem that this country takes seriously. Trust me i have tried to seek counseling and because i am uninsured, No one will see me ....oh except for a spiritual counselor and i just dont feel right explaining all of my crap to them. but thanks for kick.....it helped in a weird way.

Kink aware practitioner -- a kinky shrink (but you don't get to talk sub to sub they are still your therapist just ask a lot fewer vocabulary questions of flogger, cane etc)

As for your comment to Osade let me spell it C-O-P O-U-T!!! Co-dependents anonimous is as free as AA or NA which if you were an addict are also free therapy options

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 4:46:03 PM

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i never even heard of codependents anonymous...........but real nice advice.

(in reply to theRose4U)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 4:57:44 PM

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First make sure you are going to the right meeting.

Contrary to what some think, this condition is not about being dependent on another. It's about being addicted to someone's dependency on you.
From Webster:

co·de·pen·den·cy Pronunciation: \-dən(t)-sē\Function: noun Date: 1979 : a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another

< Message edited by Baroana -- 1/10/2013 5:00:00 PM >

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 4:58:38 PM

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Can Anyone please tell me how the hell to delete this thread??????????????????????????????????????

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:00:19 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl

Oside............exactly!!

My friends thought i was nuts. i had never even lived with a Man before i dropped everything to be with Him. i was busy raising my babies. Once they grew up and moved out of the house, the empty nest set it and i had no one to serve. no structure. Call me weak, say that i'm using BDSM as a crutch BUT i have a servant's heart. My kids gave me the servitude i needed for so long, once they were gone......i was lost.

Now that you are once again at loose ends, consider volunteering your time: for example, an animal shelter is a good place to put one's need for service.

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(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:00:51 PM

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Reading OP I'm missing something, how long did you talk to this guy before hopping a plane? Did you background check him? Is he married? Have a criminal history that would make something like blow torching pubes a dangerous red flag more than a fantasy that's "out there"?
My first instinct is this guys married & after a month long vacation decided to spend some time at home so he paniced. The other is he had some mental disorder that raised its ugly head & you're lucky you got a plane ticket instead of a toe tag at the morgue.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:00:51 PM

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Not going to happen, babe. It's here to stay

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:06:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl

i never even heard of codependents anonymous...........but real nice advice.

http://www.coda.org/

quote:

Call me weak, say that i'm using BDSM as a crutch BUT i have a servant's heart.

That's just an excuse for the co-dependency.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:10:58 PM

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Oh Man, i will never again post to these message boards.

i got the advice i needed and trust me, i will think twice possibly three or four times before hoping on a plane and going anywhere for ANYONE!
i want to believe that He has a mental disorder. i will choose to believe that. BUT its quite possible that its something else. The sheer thought of it makes my tummy turn.

i understand that all of You are probably a lot more experienced then i am in this BUT for me, it felt real.

i will LIVE AND LEARN ............................................OH and get therapy!!! and possibly volunteer my time!!!

(in reply to Baroana)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:16:27 PM

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Osade let her off the hook a tiny bit...yes a "servant heart" is a plus for subs, the catch is they know they are co-dependent, are the first to reinforce boundaries & not use kink as an excuse for poor decision making.
Admitting that selling everything & likely spending it instead of holding it in a "just in case fund" for a guy you barely knew was your first mistake is a baby step towards being co-dependent no more (good book try to find a copy)

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:17:19 PM

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co dependent or not, needing therapy or not... it still hurts to be dismissed. i know this. some of the other people here do too. my best advice would be to do the best you can to take care of you. keep busy, go on long walks, take up a hobby... the healthier you are the better you will feel. not only about this situation ( lesson learned i suppose ) but about yourself as well.

for the future... just remember what happened with the man you were with. take things slowly and get to know people better...

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

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