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RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/7/2013 5:02:54 PM

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Honestly, it doesn't really matter why he ended it and sent her back home, does it? He ended the relationship. Each of them had that option. Yes, she is hurt by it, but who isn't when the break up wasn't mutual. It happens. You grieve, you get back up and get on with your life.

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/7/2013 8:28:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Honestly, it doesn't really matter why he ended it and sent her back home, does it?

Specific to that situation, no.

But it terrifies me to see such an incredible coward lauded as a brave person. I honestly don't know that what he did to her psyche is all that better than what he might have done to her body.

Maybe this will be considered sexist by some, but the southern gentleman in me says that any man who physically hurts a woman (in a non-consensual manner) needs his testicles removed via his left nostril. But emotional and/or psychological abuse isn't really any better. And that's exactly what he did. Let's be charitable and let him choose which nostril.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/7/2013 9:57:46 PM

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He didn't psychologically abuse her. She was on board for everything that was done. Any trauma that resulted, she played a big part in herself and needs to own up to that. She was the one who agreed to sell everything she owned and move to another state far from family and friends with no job for someone she hadn't even met before moving!

Relationships end, people often feel hurt by that.

Do I think the guy was some brave hero? Hell no. But if that was truly his reasoning, he does deserve credit for stopping himself before he went to far.

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 7:22:12 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

He didn't psychologically abuse her. She was on board for everything that was done. Any trauma that resulted, she played a big part in herself and needs to own up to that. She was the one who agreed to sell everything she owned and move to another state far from family and friends with no job for someone she hadn't even met before moving!

Relationships end, people often feel hurt by that.

Do I think the guy was some brave hero? Hell no. But if that was truly his reasoning, he does deserve credit for stopping himself before he went to far.

I'm not absolving her of all culpability. But you're going to have a hard time convincing me that "she was on board for" being unceremoniously dumped with no real notice. I'm happy for you that the equivalent has (obviously) never happened to you -- and I hope it doesn't. But kicking someone's ass to the curb so suddenly is psychological and/or emotional abuse.

Also, I never said that you claimed that he was "some brave hero". But others here have basically licked his scrotum to a healthy sheen simply for not physically harming her. Is this how low the standard has sunk? Don't physically hurt a woman and you're a great guy?

You want me to give him credit for not physically harming her? Sure. Fair enough. Mussolini got the trains to run on time, too. What a great guy!

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 10:37:20 AM

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People get dumped with "no notice" on a regular basis. It's called a breakup. As for the no notice part, those people tend to be oblivious to the problems in the relationship and that's why they tend to not see it coming. In a situation like the OP, the likelihood of that happening was exponentially higher.

It isn't psychologically abusing someone to end the relationship. Sorry, that is simply part of life.

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 12:12:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
People get dumped with "no notice" on a regular basis. It's called a breakup. As for the no notice part, those people tend to be oblivious to the problems in the relationship and that's why they tend to not see it coming. In a situation like the OP, the likelihood of that happening was exponentially higher.

It isn't psychologically abusing someone to end the relationship. Sorry, that is simply part of life.

Ah, so asking someone to move several hundred miles and then changing your mind more quickly than your underwear is "simply part of life" and nothing more than the end of a relationship. One-night stands involve more commitment than he showed.

But, I can see that you are bound and determined to give this asshole a free pass -- logic be damned -- so I'll shut up now.

Feel free to get in the last word.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 12:29:02 PM

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I agree with Lafayette Lady. Any relationship comes with the risk of getting emotionally hurt - hard and fast, even. It would certainly be nice if every breakup allowed for the other person to recover before they both move on, but sometimes a person just needs to get out, for whatever the reason. It is hardly emotional abuse. It's life. He owes her nothing.

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 12:48:14 PM

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hhmm...well I moved hundreds of miles to be with someone. We stayed together for a little while and then we broke up. Yeah, it was heartbreaking. So what? Everyone goes through it. It wasn't psychologically damaging lol. I'm not some special, fragile flower who needs to be protected and anytime someone does something to me, I'm immediately damaged.

She had a break up. It's over. No different than a million others who do it on a daily basis. She's heartbroken. She'll grieve and she'll move on and I'm betting she already has.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Kaliko)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 1:39:14 PM

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(Since others weighed in, with points different than LL, I do not consider another response to be a revocation of my "last word" offer to her.)

I have to give credit where it's due -- there hasn't been much lauding lately of the wonderful person he is (like there was earlier).

But I find it fascinating that the focus keeps getting deflected away from what he did. I return the discussion (once again) to the only factor that I was bringing up, and it can be broken down into two indisputable statements:

* The relationship encountered a problem.
* The only course of action that he even bothered to investigate was ending the relationship.

Maybe if people put an ounce of effort into a relationship, there wouldn't be "a million others" breaking up "on a daily basis".

Just because it's common doesn't make it right.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 1:48:15 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wannapleez

* The only course of action that he even bothered to investigate was ending the relationship.

Maybe if people put an ounce of effort into a relationship, there wouldn't be "a million others" breaking up "on a daily basis".

But what if he just didn't like her or care for her enough to investigate other courses of action? What if he wanted to leave? Doesn't he have that right? It's his life, after all. He can choose who he spends his time with.

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 2:06:14 PM

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WOW! Not the poster's fault....

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

You have a right to your opinion. It is most definitely not mine. I have never bought off on the super-special snowflake mythology that BDSM folks like to talk about when they discuss their relationships. A fair number of other posters here also mock that idea. I find it MASSIVELY insulting to people I respect a great deal starting right out with my parents.

(in reply to JeffBC)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 2:13:21 PM

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Ditto

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucifyre

I am in the crowd that feels that a BDSM relationship requires far more trust from both parties in order to work for however long it's going to. That alone to me means that people are going to get far more emotionally involved when they are in a relationship. In a vanilla marriage, you don't expect to allow the more dominant partner to tie you up and do unspeakable things to you and expect to live through it. In a BDSM relationship, that's all in a days fun, and it takes A LOT of trust to let it happen.
... again, being the type of relationship it was AND considering the fact that she threw her life down to the drain to have it...yep, that stings.
What happened beforehand at this point isn't even relevant...it's what happens moving forward that matters. Who gives a shit if she did a background check on the guy, that isn't going to matter for what she needs to do next.

...but maybe, instead of dismissing her feelings (and yes you did even though you protested doing so...sorry Jeff) we can help her avoid doing it again and getting hurt further.

(in reply to Lucifyre)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 2:28:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
But what if he just didn't like her or care for her enough to investigate other courses of action? What if he wanted to leave?

Then add "fucking lazy" to my list of pejoratives.

Oh, and "fucking hypocrite" too. He liked her and cared for her enough to ask her to move. But as soon as things became inconvenient for him, he suddenly didn't like her or care for her enough to investigate other courses of action.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
Doesn't he have that right?

Yes, he has a constitutional right to be a dick.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
It's his life, after all.

And therefore, he has no responsibility whatsoever to anyone but himself? See my previous statement about one-night stands having more commitment.

(in reply to Kaliko)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 2:46:18 PM

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quote:

LafayetteLady: He didn't psychologically abuse her. She was on board for everything that was done. Any trauma that resulted, she played a big part in herself and needs to own up to that.

INDEED, the OP explicitly wanted very much, to stay for more.

quote:

wannapleez: the southern gentleman in me says that any man who physically hurts a woman (in a non-consensual manner) needs his testicles removed via his left nostril. But emotional and/or psychological abuse isn't really any better. And that's exactly what he did. Let's be charitable and let him choose which nostril.

Following the lines of your hyperbole. How would the bold Southern Gentleman dispatch that venom? Yourself? Or instigate a mob to brutalize what upsets your whim?

Gentlemanly. Letting Beelzebub choose which nostril. And the very definition of Charitable. Prideful defenders of womanhood, right or wrong. Would the distressed female watch, or assist in these acts of justice?

Again following your hyperbole, would your ilk extract ovaries through the nostrils of countless psychological man-abusers, or would that be done by a different, specialized team?

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 2:47:22 PM

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I was thinking about this on the broader spectrum, noting that all who are arguing with me are women. I have not even gotten a response from the male to whom I originally addressed by comments. At first this was puzzling to me, but then part of it made sense.

We are often hardest on those that are similar to us and/or share a demographic with us. So it makes sense that I would go after his pathetic ass, while women would more often respond to her culpability in the situation.

But what I don't understand -- and I truly would like it if someone would explain it to me -- is why (apparently) a case that focuses on her must deflect from him and/or excuse his behavior. They are two separate -- and to some degree, unrelated -- issues. No matter how bad or wrong or whatever she turns out to be, that has no bearing whatsoever on the status of his behavior.

The only explanation that I can think of is a lack of genuine belief in the solidity of the case against her, and so obfuscation and misdirection are the order of the day. But I'd rather not think that dimly of others -- I have little enough faith in the human race as it is -- so I am genuinely hoping for another explanation.

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 2:52:36 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Extravagasm

quote:

wannapleez: the southern gentleman in me says that any man who physically hurts a woman (in a non-consensual manner) needs his testicles removed via his left nostril. But emotional and/or psychological abuse isn't really any better. And that's exactly what he did. Let's be charitable and let him choose which nostril.

Following the lines of your hyperbole. How would the bold Southern Gentleman dispatch that venom? Yourself? Or instigate a mob to brutalize what upsets your whim?

Gentlemanly. Letting Beelzebub choose which nostril. And the very definition of Charitable. Prideful defenders of womanhood, right or wrong. Would the distressed female watch, or assist in these acts of justice?

Again following your hyperbole, would your ilk extract ovaries through the nostrils of countless psychological man-abusers, or would that be done by a different, specialized team?

Sorry, but I just can't give a good response. I'm convulsing in laughter at the thought of such a hyperbolic comment accusing me endlessly of hyperbole. I fell out of my chair 4 times just while typing this.

Thanks for the levity. This thread needed some.

(in reply to Extravagasm)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 2:57:48 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wannapleez

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
But what if he just didn't like her or care for her enough to investigate other courses of action? What if he wanted to leave?

Then add "fucking lazy" to my list of pejoratives.

Oh, and "fucking hypocrite" too. He liked her and cared for her enough to ask her to move. But as soon as things became inconvenient for him, he suddenly didn't like her or care for her enough to investigate other courses of action.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
Doesn't he have that right?

Yes, he has a constitutional right to be a dick.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
It's his life, after all.

And therefore, he has no responsibility whatsoever to anyone but himself? See my previous statement about one-night stands having more commitment.

Oh please. He "cared for her enough?" They never even met or spent time together prior to this big move! She's hurt by the break up, yes, but what kind of desperate person leaves their whole life behind for someone they never met in person or spent any time with and MOVES IN WITH THEM?

Look, we have her version of events only here. I'm not defending the guys actions in any way. Quite frankly, I think he had a crazy desperation as well to even ask her to do that.

However, even from her posts, I can see that she was likely always up his ass. Did he talk to her about it? Who the hell knows? We only have her side of the story.

This nonsense that a BDSM relationship works on some deeper level than vanilla is just that, nonsense. What is the big difference? That people (mostly women sadly) do some really stupid, desperate shit in BDSM. No one with an ounce of common sense sells everything they own and moves in with someone they never met face to face, and no one with common sense asks someone to.

She moved in with this guy with no job, no friends in the area, nothing. So all she had was him. That's foolish right from the start. Then she is at his heels every minute of every day.

This woman is a grown up. She didn't act like one, but she is. Your antiquated view that this guy had some responsibility to her to try to make it work (a month old relationship that moved far too quickly to begin with) is ridiculous. Perhaps, she is giving her side and meanwhile it is nothing more than as he got to know her as a person, he really wasn't attracted. From your view, he was supposed to tell her this and then give her time to adjust. So now he is obligated to make herself miserable for the sake of her fragile, desperate, clingy needs? Sure that makes sense. He decided to end it, and he didn't simply kick her out on the streets, he paid for a ticket to send her back home.

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 3:02:29 PM

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Excuse me? I haven't been licking anything, here!
I've actually (under sheer self-constraint, not to mention silent applause from the gallery as well...yes, I can hear you out there!) not said a word about the male factor in all this.

You'd all probably be surprised at my opinion, but I'm choosing to remain in the dark. : )

quote:

ORIGINAL: wannapleez

Also, I never said that you claimed that he was "some brave hero". But others here have basically licked his scrotum to a healthy sheen simply for not physically harming her. Is this how low the standard has sunk? Don't physically hurt a woman and you're a great guy?

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 3:06:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wannapleez

I was thinking about this on the broader spectrum, noting that all who are arguing with me are women. I have not even gotten a response from the male to whom I originally addressed by comments. At first this was puzzling to me, but then part of it made sense.

We are often hardest on those that are similar to us and/or share a demographic with us. So it makes sense that I would go after his pathetic ass, while women would more often respond to her culpability in the situation.

But what I don't understand -- and I truly would like it if someone would explain it to me -- is why (apparently) a case that focuses on her must deflect from him and/or excuse his behavior. They are two separate -- and to some degree, unrelated -- issues. No matter how bad or wrong or whatever she turns out to be, that has no bearing whatsoever on the status of his behavior.

The only explanation that I can think of is a lack of genuine belief in the solidity of the case against her, and so obfuscation and misdirection are the order of the day. But I'd rather not think that dimly of others -- I have little enough faith in the human race as it is -- so I am genuinely hoping for another explanation.

It is neither going after someone's ass or assigning culpability. In fact, that it all must be someone's fault is exactly the problem. It's just an acceptance that things don't always go the way we want them to.

I say this without even a trace of snark. I feel you have an over-inflated sense of entitlement. That is the explanation I have to offer.

(in reply to wannapleez)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 2/8/2013 3:07:03 PM

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Love this post.....LOVE IT!!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: wannapleez

Maybe this will be considered sexist by some, but the southern gentleman in me says that any man who physically hurts a woman (in a non-consensual manner) needs his testicles removed via his left nostril. But emotional and/or psychological abuse isn't really any better. And that's exactly what he did. Let's be charitable and let him choose which nostril.

(in reply to wannapleez)

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