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RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:19:48 PM

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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You can have genuine feelings, genuine submission & a genuine improvement in your life...these things are real if you hold onto them!!
The fact that these feelings likely were with a lying cheating bastard is where therapy will help you make better decisions.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to theRose4U)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:25:33 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

Osade let her off the hook a tiny bit...yes a "servant heart" is a plus for subs, the catch is they know they are co-dependent, are the first to reinforce boundaries & not use kink as an excuse for poor decision making.

I love to serve. I love to make him happy. But, without him I'm not lost and I don't feel like I'm without purpose. I functioned just fine when I was single and I function just fine when he's gone.

If you require someone else to make you a whole and happy person...then there is something wrong.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl
i understand that all of You are probably a lot more experienced then i am in this BUT for me, it felt real.

I don't doubt that it felt real. To you it was real. You just rushed in and made a decision that wasn't a good one. We've all done it at least once.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to theRose4U)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:30:55 PM

Posts: 15
Joined: 11/7/2012
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Oside, last i knew we were talking about me............not You.

i am so super happy that you a perfect picture of sanity but not all of us are!!!

A lot of folks on here, have issues. Some of them, are co-dependency issues. Some of them are that they just fucking bully's.

Learning some tactfulness could be useful in the future sweetie!!!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:36:32 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl

Oside, last i knew we were talking about me............not You.

i am so super happy that you a perfect picture of sanity but not all of us are!!!

A lot of folks on here, have issues. Some of them, are co-dependency issues. Some of them are that they just fucking bully's.

Learning some tactfulness could be useful in the future sweetie!!!

Wow. Way to handle things with grace. I was responding to Rose about a comment she made. (FYI, no one is the perfect picture of sanity and certainly not me.) It's a discussion forum, so not everything is about you and sometimes the topic drifts. No one has bullied you.

So, I would suggest that you learn some tactfulness in the future sweetie.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 1/10/2013 5:37:07 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:38:18 PM

Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
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Despite what Jeff says about your relationship not being long enough to be a blip on the radar...

I am in the crowd that feels that a BDSM relationship requires far more trust from both parties in order to work for however long it's going to. That alone to me means that people are going to get far more emotionally involved when they are in a relationship. In a vanilla marriage, you don't expect to allow the more dominant partner to tie you up and do unspeakable things to you and expect to live through it. In a BDSM relationship, that's all in a days fun, and it takes A LOT of trust to let it happen.
Being married 20 years now, with kids and the whole shebang, of course I don't discredit the amount of work it takes to get here...yes her relationship was very new and she likely had quite a bit of NRE going. But again, being the type of relationship it was AND considering the fact that she threw her life down to the drain to have it...yep, that stings.
What happened beforehand at this point isn't even relevant...it's what happens moving forward that matters. Who gives a shit if she did a background check on the guy, that isn't going to matter for what she needs to do next.

Does she need counseling? That's not for me to say. Would it help? Possibly...but maybe, instead of dismissing her feelings (and yes you did even though you protested doing so...sorry Jeff) we can help her avoid doing it again and getting hurt further.

OP, go ahead and do the research for KAP, who knows, maybe a little therapy will help you. In the meantime, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, own the fact that you made a mistake in life and make a plan on how you're not going to make that mistake again. If what you seek is a relationship in the BDSM lifestyle that's awesome, welcome to the community! Next time you decide to go run off and be with some Dom that says he will take care of you, make sure you have enough money put aside to recover if it doesn't work out and DON'T touch it unless you find yourself without the relationship again. Get yourself involved with your local BDSM group and get to know folks <as friends>. Built yourself a good support network within the community, people you can rely on if things in your relationship go sour. Next time instead of moving right in, maybe you'll consider moving close by and supporting yourself near him for a year so you're well established locally (meaning job etc) so if the relationship doesn't work out after you've decided to cohabitate, then you're just moving house instead of dealing with a life altering situation.

For the record...we could ALL probably use a little therapy. But IMO, she is no more fucked up than the rest of us. She just made a mistake and needs to recover from it. And, on top of that, her mistake was more of a preparation one than a relationship one. If you set all the emotions aside and just look at the basic situation, a little bit of pre disaster planning would have saved her a shit load of heartache.

Always, as usual...just my not so humble opinion.

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 5:47:07 PM

Posts: 267
Joined: 9/3/2012
Status: offline

OP.........you have 12 posts to your credit and have been here how long? 2 months?
              Oside has how freakin' many?????? 8 thousand some???????   She's been here since '05.

                      Just sayin............................you may want to remember the old sayin' "you only get one chance to make a 'good' first impression.

                     ~servos cor~

          nice post btw Luci

(in reply to Lucifyre)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 6:00:32 PM

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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Chiming in on who is or isn't a bully, most newbie subs aspire TO BE Osade cause the girl knows her shit! Kink & otherwise. If she pushes its because she knows something from personal experience she may or may not share with someone she just met... tread lightly she has good advice for you if you can keep.from giving up on yourself long enough

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl

Oside, last i knew we were talking about me............not You.

i am so super happy that you a perfect picture of sanity but not all of us are!!!

A lot of folks on here, have issues. Some of them, are co-dependency issues. Some of them are that they just fucking bully's.

Learning some tactfulness could be useful in the future sweetie!!!

Wow. Way to handle things with grace. I was responding to Rose about a comment she made. (FYI, no one is the perfect picture of sanity and certainly not me.) It's a discussion forum, so not everything is about you and sometimes the topic drifts. No one has bullied you.

So, I would suggest that you learn some tactfulness in the future sweetie.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 7:10:13 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl

Oside, last i knew we were talking about me............not You.

i am so super happy that you a perfect picture of sanity but not all of us are!!!

A lot of folks on here, have issues. Some of them, are co-dependency issues. Some of them are that they just fucking bully's.

Learning some tactfulness could be useful in the future sweetie!!!

For most of this thread you've done a good job of listening to some hard truths and dealing with it graciously. I'm guessing the quoted post is just a blip, since this must be upsetting for you to discuss and you're probably feeling some embarrassment right now as well as the pain from a relationship ending. I hope you don't stop posting on the boards, even if this was a tough experience, because you sound like someone who is willing to talk and learn and you could be a great poster. You might also find it helpful to hear about some of the relationships the regular posters might have to see how some people make it work.

I'm sorry you went through this. It sounds like a very intense and exciting love affair which sadly crashed and burned. It's ok to feel sad, hurt, angry, confused or pretty much whatever you are feeling. It's good that you are willing to look at your own role in this, because that's what will make you stronger for next time.

If this guy had been local, and you'd been dating and playing and then going home, it would have been different. But having given up things to be with him (and it sounds like you don't have much emotional support in your life to begin with) it makes the whole thing feel worse. Maybe next time it needs to be someone local so you can get to know each other without any pressure.

While I do agree that him ending the relationship is preferable to him harming you in some way, he still treated you pretty badly. He presumably knew you gave up your job and home to be with him, and that to be kicked out without warning after just a month would have not only felt humiliating but also left you in a dire situation. For all you were hasty in moving right in, he clearly didn't think or didn't care about what would happen to you either. Just so happened that you got the worse end of that deal.

Servant's heart or not, counselling or not, please take some time to put yourself back together before looking for a new partner. Going into a relationship when you're still hurting, in love, financially unstable and lost is putting a huge amount of pressure on the other person, not only to love you, but also to fix you. Your judgment will be off, and you're just begging to be thrown back into another ill-thought-out situation. I would strongly advise going on some vanilla dates with the next potential guy, getting to know what he is like, and if and when the time comes that you decide to move in making sure you have an exit plan.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 7:30:20 PM

Posts: 15
Joined: 11/7/2012
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1st Thank you so much for the kind words. I am grateful for Your wisdom!!

2nd...i was wrong to snap at oside!! this is embarrassing and God, i wish i could just make the thread go away.

I am sorry if i disrespected anyone including Oside...........really, its a lot to take in. Please forgive me, i felt overwhelmed. I know i asked for advice, i just had NO clue i would feel so stupid. i made a terrible choice to give up everything. i am paying for it now.

Really Thank You all for Your wisdom and Your advice.

BTW....Athena Your advice will be the advice i will listen to the most!!

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 7:40:41 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl
this is embarrassing and God, i wish i could just make the thread go away.

Don't be embarrassed. We've all made a bad choice at some point. The important thing is to learn from it. (some people never do)

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 8:50:13 PM

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

I personally dont think you should be embarrassed either. You had the guts to post something that was very painful for you. And somewhere out there is someone lurking and reading this who didnt have the guts to come forward, but can still learn a great deal from what is being said to you. So in a way, you could possibly be helping someone else who hasnt find their voice yet.

Whether it was a month or a lifetime, emotional pain is still emotional pain. It takes time to grieve and grow from the experience. The trick is to learn something from it and do your best to not let it destroy you. He did the best thing he could do for you. He set you free before he seriously hurt you. I know it sucks like hell now though. I myself made a bad decision once in my life that ended painfully too. I totally know how you feel. Mine was 2 years and it hurt like hell at first, then I spent some time feeling depressed, switched over to feeling pissed off, and then eventually got to the place where Ive been at for awhile now. Eventually you will see that its really the best thing that could have happened to you, even though it doesnt feel like it right now.

Just take it bit by bit and get your life back on track. Learn from this, grieve the loss, and eventually you will be able to move on all on your own. No closure does suck, but sometimes the one you need closure from just cant give you what it is you need that will help you be able to get that closure.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 9:05:54 PM

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Joined: 1/2/2013
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You make an excellent point, Servos... and something I was thinking of as well as I read some of these posts.

And if I might also add:
A break-up is only going to be the most crucial for those parties who are involved.

(Thank you)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ServosCor

I wonder if her friends tend to dismiss the depth of her hurt as this was such a new relationship? I mean if it were a vanilla situation I would be a bit more prone to just say "oh you'll get over it. Toughen up". But...since it isn't.......I tend to think more along the lines of how deeply she attached herself to him/ he to her........and God knows what being in a D/s M/s relationship can do to a person on a "omg this is what I have always dreamed of, needed, wanted to experience, etc" emotion. Just a thought. Personally I dont think you can NOT look at this situation without considering the bdsm aspect of it. And that means, at least to me, it's not 'just another breakup".

Just my 2cents worth..... from a previously heartbroken sub's point of view... I was a mess when it happened to me.[/color]

(in reply to ServosCor)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 9:14:55 PM

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Joined: 1/2/2013
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Once again, I agree with your comment, Servos.

NO ONE is asking that it be compared to anyone else's relationships. If this were a contest, I'd be one of the first to jump up and say "Look sweetie! You don't know what REAL pain is!"

But this is NOT a contest, and she is not claiming to hurt more than any of the rest of us ever had. She is simply telling her story, and looking for perhaps just a little bit of support and perhaps some wisdom on the part of those of us in the Lifestyle.

(Thank You)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ServosCor

"Her situation isn't even a blip on the radar compared to a 10 year marriage with children" in terms of emotional trauma. ..............to her it is a hurtful thing to go thru and I can sympathize with her."

(in reply to ServosCor)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 11:00:50 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl

1st Thank you so much for the kind words. I am grateful for Your wisdom!!

2nd...i was wrong to snap at oside!! this is embarrassing and God, i wish i could just make the thread go away.

I am sorry if i disrespected anyone including Oside...........really, its a lot to take in. Please forgive me, i felt overwhelmed. I know i asked for advice, i just had NO clue i would feel so stupid. i made a terrible choice to give up everything. i am paying for it now.

Really Thank You all for Your wisdom and Your advice.

BTW....Athena Your advice will be the advice i will listen to the most!!

You're more than welcome. And don't worry, Oside is a big girl I'm sure she didn't lose any sleep. She has a lot of experience and she has a brain, so she is worth listening to even if some of what she says is hard to swallow.

When you have got back on your feet in terms of housing and employment, and had some time to let the pain subside, you will be able to begin thinking of this in a different way. As in 'I took a big risk and had a crazy adventure once! I learned some pretty big things from it too.' See how that's much more positive than 'oh god I did something really stupid!'

Seeking trinity makes a really good point about others reading and taking something from the thread. You never know, someone might have been about to do the same thing and will now stop and think about an exit plan. Good can come of it.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/10/2013 11:20:31 PM

Posts: 143
Joined: 7/28/2011
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argh

< Message edited by thursdays -- 1/10/2013 11:21:39 PM >

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/11/2013 10:22:34 AM

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

If you decide you want to stick around here, which I hope you do, there is one thing you need to know up front. People here are not going to treat you with kid gloves or like you are a fragile porcelain doll. People are going to give it to you straight so that you hear what they are saying. When you baby someone they don't really learn from their mistakes. They're just being coddled and just made to feel all better temporarily. Most of us here have been through breakups and much, much worse. So those of us who have been here forever <shudder> , have learned and have grown up and learned to take responsibility for our lives.

So you have to ask yourself....do you want help or do you want coddling? And no I'm not trying to be mean to you. I'm one of those who is going to give it to you straight because you need to understand and hear.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to thursdays)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/11/2013 11:04:57 AM

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Joined: 11/7/2012
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LWonder..........i am thankful for your brutal honesty and after thinking everything over last night...i NEEDED to hear all of the stuff that was said. i dont wanna be coddled. i want to hear the truth. yes yesterday was hard hearing it but today is a new day and im doing some self reflecting and slowly but surely picking up the pieces.

So thanks everyone and im not going anywhere......so get use to me

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/11/2013 11:09:15 AM

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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I did the opposite, my x wanted me to give up everything, and he said he'll take care of me.
But I couldn't trust him to take care of me for life not because his financially unable, because he is, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to discuss practical matters like, if I quit my job and be completely income reliant on him, will he still "pay me" a decent allowance where I can save for a rainy day, money that is "mine" and not his. The thing is, I see through why he wants this. It's also all about control, by me having my own job and my own money, I have too many options. He wanted to close all my options to make me more vulnerable and helpless thus giving him more leverage and control over me. No wrong here, but I was scared of what's gonna happen when he gets sick of me, with no money, no nothing, just thrown out, that I couldn't do it. He always said his not stupid, I will get an allowance, but my gut tells me that he'll withhold allowance as punishment if he was not happy. And at his wimp use his dom powers to remove my right to an allowance any time. I would be living in fear.
I'm just so amazed that Original Poster was so trusting, just like that.
Reality and practical considerations puts a damper on fantasy sometimes.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/11/2013 11:16:28 AM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/11/2013 11:14:26 AM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuqedupgirl

So thanks everyone and im not going anywhere......so get use to me

Good for you! There's just about every type of relationship you can imagine here, so you'll get all sorts of different views.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

RE: Being Dismissed!! - 1/12/2013 7:47:42 AM

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

A lot of folks on here, have issues. Some of them, are co-dependency issues. Some of them are that they just fucking bully's.

Learning some tactfulness could be useful in the future sweetie!!!

Wow. just wow. There is someone here with issues.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to fuqedupgirl)

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