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...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 1:19:19 PM

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
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hi!

i have a question...if you are going to meet a potential Dominant or two for lunch...how up front or honest are you with them both about meeting with the other, if one or the other were to ask if you're considering other Dominants? i know in the beginning, it's just a friendly get-to-know-you type of little lunch or coffee meet up, nothing serious or whatnot.....but how does one handle it? i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, you know?

also, has anyone ever asked a potential Dominant to lunch? for instance...what if your *feel* like there *could* be a connection w/ someone who hasn't asked you to meet up yet....that's new territory for me...just don't want to handle it inappropriately.

thanks for your thoughts/advice!

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 1:26:35 PM

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What? You are meeting two potential guys at the same time?

Why?

I meet for coffee or lunch or a drink one person at a time after I speak on the phone and feel it went well enough.

I never discuss other men and if they discuss other women, I am no longer interested. Not that I believe that they and I are not dating around, but I find it rude to discuss other people when seeing if there is chemistry with us.

You don't owe anyone an explanation of your dating habits.

I also don't ask to meet, I like them to pursue me.

Finally, stop treating this as different as if you were meeting vanilla guys. The same rules apply.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 1:26:46 PM

Posts: 2253
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From: Down the Shore
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Yes. First meets are just that. Meeting in person for the first time. I wouldn't blurt out that you have 2 other "dates" lined up. That just sounds kinda obnoxious. However, if they ask? Of course tell them. Politely. I think it shows that you are honest.
Frankly, I'm pretty sure anyone you meet probably already has a good idea that you are conversing with others.

If you get to a third date or so, and he really stands out for you, hold's your interest and makes you excited to see him? Well then. Put your profile on "hide" and focus your attention on him for a while.

ETA: I wouldn't ever ask them out. I prefer to be courted. :)

< Message edited by Blonderfluff -- 1/12/2014 1:27:40 PM >

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 1:28:14 PM

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From: Exiled
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I realize you're looking for the /s take on this, but I feel pretty compelled to contribute.

In another thread we were asked to name three qualities we find most becoming of a woman, integrity was on my list. I couldn't say for other D's, but for me, once we are at the "meet" stage (which for many reasons takes me awhile to warm up to), I'm looking at the possibility of a long term thing evolving here, and I'd rather be informed that you are exploring options or just as focused as I am in discovering just how comparable we are.

Again, if we made it to the "meet" stage, you can bet that my focus is 100% on you. If it weren't, we wouldn't be at the "meet" stage. That said, I feel that it is in your best interest to be forthcoming, because one or both of them may hold the "meet" stage as seriously as I do.

Jus sayin

Exiled

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(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 1:29:47 PM

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Keep in mind that the replies you get will vary. This is only from MY perspective. I prefer honesty... no matter what. I don't own you and have no claim on who you can and cannot see if we were meeting.

As far as asking a Dominant to lunch... Are you asking before any dialogue has started or is there already an existing dialogue. My answer will vary depending on which. Not existing I say no. Existing yes. You have every right to meet any potential dominant before making any decision.

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(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 2:10:44 PM

lizi

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Joined: 2/1/2009
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This really has nothing at all to do with D/s, it's just dating. You seem to put far too much emphasis on roles, thinking that D/s brings something different to the game…it doesn't. This has been said on your other threads, but until such a time as you and a man decide to enter some type of D/s arrangement, there isn't any kind of dominant/submissive/BDSM dynamic to pay attention to. It's just the usual world of dating and the usual rules that apply.

I'll preface this by saying I am monogamous. Would I tell a man that I was just meeting, or begun to date, that there were more men I was interested in? Yes, if it came up. If not, I don't see the use of it, I'd assume that we were free agents on either side until such a time as we decided to be a one on one couple. At that time there is usually a conversation of some type saying it's just you and me now. I'd liken it to dating in high school until the two of you "go steady". Until i have an arrangement with someone, I am free to date whoever I like, and will assume he is doing the same.

Yes, sure, I'd ask someone out on a date, why not? Why would that be inappropriate? There are women that like to be pursued like Blonderfluff, that's fine. I tend to take a more proactive view of my own life, if there is something or someone that I am looking for, I tend to get out there and look for it as opposed to only taking what falls into my lap.

I have contacted men first before, I have asked men out on dates before - both situations have been successful whenever they occurred, and each time the man professed to be flattered. I have never had a bad experience yet at being the person to reach out first. If I did find that man that was put off by me contacting him or asking him out, that's good information that we wouldn't be a match and I'd be glad to get it.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 3:27:32 PM

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Some people date more than one person at a time. Others prefer to focus on one at a time. Nothing wrong either way except that the two types aren't very compatible. I would expect that long before the meet comes up, people would have talked about this. Unless you're meeting two days after saying hello at which point it isn't the other person's business. We're both the one at the time kind, and we knew that a week into talking, three weeks before meeting.

If there's a guy you would like to meet, who hasn't asked you yet, then why not ask him. If he says no, then you know nothing's going to happen and you move on.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 3:32:06 PM

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T&S
You should meet someone in person before you get involved. A discreet vanilla lunch at a safe location is the best way to begin. Let the conversation take it's own course. I don't care how wonderful the first meeting goes, NEVER discuss other dates or leave with him. Both are extremely risky behaviors.
Blue

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 3:59:49 PM

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Joined: 10/17/2013
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love the advice.
thanks to all. :O)

appreciate your feedback, as usual.

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 5:00:58 PM

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I also have the preference of being courted but if I really like a profile, I might drop a line about something in his profile. Positive of course.

If he was to ask me if I was considering other dominants, depending on all communication, it might knock him out of the running with me. I would not ask him if he was considering other subs because I would find that a little rude to put my nose into his personal life. There are too many other things to talk about on a first meet than digging into each others search. I'm trying to see how we mesh, not how he is meshing with others.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 5:26:17 PM

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Honesty is usually the best policy. It would be pretty tacky of him to ask, but if he does, be honest but brief. Say yes, I have another (or others) I'm talking to. And leave it at that. Don't explain anything, don't talk about him or how many times you've talked or met, or what you've talked about or done. You're allowed. He doesn't have any rights over you yet. At this stage of the game, you can do whatever you want to do.

Remember, you don't want to "score" just any Dom, like it's a victory of some kind. You want to find one that you're compatible with. You shouldn't be acting differently with each one, don't try to be a chameleon. Do what feels right to YOU. If he's the right one, you will feel right to him, too.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 1/12/2014 5:27:24 PM >

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 5:26:28 PM

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When I was looking I was very honest. I've only met two men irl, and we all became friends. One I have been with for around 8 years now, and the other is my friend. I did speak to two others on the phone, but I was already well into my relationships with the other two, so, nothing ever came of those except getting to know them a bit.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 5:43:52 PM

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Why is it dangerous to state that you appreciate the coffee date, but you are still seeing others at this time?
I can't imagine anybody pulling out a gun and shooting you dead in Starbucks because you aren't committing to him for life then and there.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 5:54:11 PM

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It's not dangerous, it's just rude and unnecessary.

If you cannot find enough to discuss without mentioning the obvious, I don't want to meet you.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 5:55:14 PM

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Hey, you have multiple dudes after you. That puts YOU in the catbird seat, my friend. Make it clear from the jump that you have other options. Drive a hard bargain. Be explicit that, unless you get everything you want, you will WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW BY GOD and take the better offer from the other guy.

In short, play hardball. In the words of a great American, "Just win, baby."

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 7:44:28 PM

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I don't tell them. It's none of their business. I'm not considering anyone. I'm just having coffee with them. I consider AFTER the coffee and if I find some reason to put them on that list. Until then they have no reason to know anything. We're not dating and we're not a couple.

If they were to ask me how many others I would tell them straight up that there may or may not be others but as of right now this is not their business.

ETA: If he did ask, that would automatically mean he's out of the running. I would see him as insecure, tacky and crude.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 1/12/2014 7:48:34 PM >

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 7:59:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I don't tell them. It's none of their business. I'm not considering anyone. I'm just having coffee with them. I consider AFTER the coffee and if I find some reason to put them on that list. Until then they have no reason to know anything. We're not dating and we're not a couple.

If they were to ask me how many others I would tell them straight up that there may or may not be others but as of right now this is not their business.

ETA: If he did ask, that would automatically mean he's out of the running. I would see him as insecure, tacky and crude.

Couldn't agree more. Coffee or lunch is JUST coffee and lunch. There are a thousand topics which you could discuss at a first meeting. If he can't suppress the urge to show insecurity and ask you about other men (helllooo....you're young and attractive and available - of course you're in contact with others) I'd say there are other, more secure men out there for you.

If it's some weird effort to try and get you to commit to him alone and you're not sure what to do, I'd ask you how uncomfortable would you feel if some vanilla guy tried the same thing.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 8:21:20 PM

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No one owns you until you decide they do.

You will hear some grumbles about how being in contact with more than one is disrespectful and they are free to have that opinion.

If you don't share that opinion, then the two of you are just not compatible.

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(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 8:23:04 PM

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I cant - for the life of me - understand with-holding anything. I think people should be able to "examine the green" before they have to make their putt.

Here's the real thing of it: reverse the question on yourself. Put yourself in the other person's position.

If you really enjoyed the coffee date and agreed to do something like a dinner or an afternoon hike or something, wouldn't you think that things were progressing nicely and possibly "going somewhere"? Wouldn't you like the opportunity to opt out of that "more involved" date, based upon the fact that there are others, looming on the horizon? Even if that isn't your choice, wouldn't you like to have all the information so you can make an informed decision?

I know I would.

Good luck,

Michael

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 8:36:22 PM

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From: Apple County NY
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But it shouldn't be an upfront assault. "I need to know right now if you're dating anyone else or not".

The best way is to say yourself, "I know a lot of people who can date ten different people at once. Personally I can't and I much prefer spending all my time talking to someone for a couple of weeks, which tells me quicker if we're compatible or not. Which kind are you?".

That way you don't put them on the spot, which is rude and will get you kicked out of the running. If it's that important to you, then bring it up yourself and lead by example.

What I found fascinating is that several of the men here view relationships as adversarial. They look to win while someone else loses. They want their needs met at the expense of their partner. They don't seem to realize that a good relationship with compatibility will nurture both people, that you will both have your needs met, that you will want to meet your partner's needs. And not in a tit for tat way, but organically.

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