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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 6:17:25 PM   
pinksugarsub


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i would have had a difficult time explaining how i answered yr first question, but yr second one's just as tough.
 
Why do S/some P/pl behave rudely towards P/pl who have not earned T/their respect?  i saw a great deal of this in my career; except for what was respected then was a P/person's power and political connections in most (not all) cases.  S/some P/pl (and i mean most) acted rudely to those whom they felt they could push around.  Believe me in an ant heap, there's always somebody to step on.
 
i assume it's not a lot different in the world of BDSM.  S/some P/pl feel rewarded or gratified if T/they can disrespect S/someone else, but generally T/they check to see what level that person's power is before doing so.
 
i have very, very rarely been deliberately rude to P/pl who waited on me, etc.  i have often been rude to P/pl of considerable power.  i must admit i enjoy saying the "emperor has no clothes" to S/someone used to ass-kissing.
 
So i guess W/we're all rude to different P/pl but prolly always for the same reason:  it feels good.  It feeds something in U/us.  i doubt it ever feeds something good in U/us.

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 7:12:02 PM   
Missokyst


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I would ask you what do you consider rude?
Respect in my opinion is anything over and above common coutesy.  I treat my mail carrier in a friendly manner.  We say hi, or not say hi depending on what the day brings.  I don't send greetings back to spammers lest they think me rude.  I don't return calls from telemarketers out of the fear that they might believe I am a rude american.  I treat people with equal distance, unless the circumstance calls for more.

I have very definite criteria for rudeness. 
1.  Someone who does not respect my personal space.
2.  Someone who ignores my rights as a human.
3.  Making me the target of your frustration without my consent.
...
the list goes on, but thats not necessary.

So I ask again, what do you consider rude?
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows
  What does a person have to do?  And are we entitled to be rude until 'respect' is earned.
What actually is 'respect'?



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 7:18:49 PM   
LightHeartedMaam


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Respect  is an individual notion. What I would respect might not be the same thing that you might respect.

This question isn't as easy to respond to as it first appears :)

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 7:19:14 PM   
MagiksSlave


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I would ask you what do you consider rude?
Respect in my opinion is anything over and above common coutesy.  I treat my mail carrier in a friendly manner.  We say hi, or not say hi depending on what the day brings.  I don't send greetings back to spammers lest they think me rude.  I don't return calls from telemarketers out of the fear that they might believe I am a rude american.  I treat people with equal distance, unless the circumstance calls for more.

I have very definite criteria for rudeness. 
1.  Someone who does not respect my personal space.
2.  Someone who ignores my rights as a human.
3.  Making me the target of your frustration without my consent.
...
the list goes on, but thats not necessary.

So I ask again, what do you consider rude?
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows
  What does a person have to do?  And are we entitled to be rude until 'respect' is earned.
What actually is 'respect'?





Oh no your not rude unless you dont respond to every message you get here on CM
Just ask the Doms around here... thats reaaallll rude

LOL

Magik's loopy slave

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If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 7:28:42 PM   
simplyangelic1


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Personally, one should always be polite even if you don't respect the person you are dealing with.  Of course you can't expect everyone to follow that rule but you can always hope. 

As for how long it takes respect to be earned, that's an individual thing.  Might take a week, month, years.  It all depends on the people involved.  How it's earned is by words matching actions like others have stated.  That and showing wisdom in their words. 

For example, I respect LA cause while her words may not be always what I want to hear, they speak the truth.  Have to respect someone like that in my book.

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 8:04:53 PM   
DixieAngel


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Hello....Not sure if this is really an answer to your question but it is first thing i though of to say. I am respectful to everyone until they give me a reason not to be. Being respectful is automatic in me.

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 8:27:11 PM   
LadyHugs


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Dear darkinshadows, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In my mind's eyes I see, earning respect of others is a non-stop endeavour.
 
The loss of respects only takes a moment and trust takes a longer period of time.  I do not believe that respect is able to be placed into a 'box' per se; as respect is living as much as the person looking for respect, who is earning respect from others and or you; as well as a personal endeavour in having self respect and the benefits thereof.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 8:40:53 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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quote:


For example, I respect LA cause while her words may not be always what I want to hear, they speak the truth.  Have to respect someone like that in my book.

Wow thank you Angelic.  My truth may not be Truth always, but I am grateful for your words and hope to continue to live to them.

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 8:45:06 PM   
Faramir


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsParados

please keep in mind that this is only my .02 but alot of people seem to confuse respect for admiration. I give everyone respect in the beginning, it is only with time and their own actions that I lose respect for them or grow to admire them.


But the word has a general connotation, and a speccific denotation of appreciation or esteem.  In general English usage the word sigmifies a level of admiration for a peron or their qualities, and when we say something like "I respect the hell out of that lady" we are using the specific denotation of admiration or esteem.

I would differentiate between the respect I have for a given individual, and the way I respect other people's rights, feelings, personal space, choices, etc.

The former is responsorial--there are people you meet in life who earn your admiration, who evoke a feeling of esteem.  I think it is less about a person "earning" my respect so much as my recognizing qualities in them I value.

The second way I use the word indicates my respect for our common humanity.  I respect other human beings right to life not because they deserve it--as Tolkien pointed out: "many that live deserve death"--but because I respect our common humanity.  The same for respect their choices--that is not my respect for a given individual, but rather my broad respect for the autonomy of adult humans, and is not responsorial.

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 9:06:00 PM   
Missokyst


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I had a rule about that very thing.  I used to be a retail slave for many years.  As part of my job, I often had to be polite to people who were mean, rude, aggravating and unappreciative of anything less than total servitude toward them. 
For those people I would say,
"How can I help you, SIR or MADAM?" 
It took all my control to direct my need to be polite in the face of adversity. 
Now, I cannot use the term Sir or Madam to anyone I like.  Those words have become tainted by my use of them when I was forced to be a good sales person.
Polite is one thing.
Courtesy is one thing.
Respect for me is something I have for people I admire.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: simplyangelic1

Personally, one should always be polite even if you don't respect the person you are dealing with.  Of course you can't expect everyone to follow that rule but you can always hope. 


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 10:57:18 PM   
CuriousLord


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Respect, proper, is to what degree, in what manner, and to what ends one might yield to another.  Respect is a relatively tangible effect of submission.

Respect is a component of many relationships on many parts except for those in a supremely dominant position or those disconcerned with the reactions of others in regards to making discisions conerning their own actions.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 11:32:06 PM   
SDFemDom4cuck


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quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

This is a statement used over and over again.  And I have just read through two recent threads where people make this announcement.
 
My question is - how does a person earn respect?  Length of time - how long does it take?  What does a person have to do?  And are we entitled to be rude until 'respect' is earned.
What actually is 'respect'?
 
Peace and Rapture
 



There's an old saying about asking 100 different people their definition and you'll get 100 different answers. I don't think there is a simple answer to this. Even a dictionary entry that defines the word was someone's opinion as to what it is. Rather than respect I look for common courtesy, the good manners and common etiquette that they were taught as a child manifested within their everyday lives. If they were not taught them I have no problem with instructing them or giving them a gift of any one of many books on the subjects. I have no problem with saying please and thank you, in asking for something to be done nicely in regard to a submisive. It's simply the way I was raised. It doesn't make me any less Dominant to do so. There are times when requesting for something to be done in a very specific and overly polite way can be far more chill inducing than barking an order.

Back on topic....I hold the same standards in my own treatment of others. On a social level I treat others the way I wish to be treated myself. If that is deemed as respect then so be it. Otherwise, I don't attempt to *earn* someone's respect. I am who I am and either they will "respect" me or they won't. It is a personal and individual choice we each make towards another. I cannot be something I am not. I wouldn't change who I am in order to gain someone's respect. The idea of earning someone's respect, or trying to purposefully earn it, is foreign to me. I don't demand respect from day one. I do expect good manners and common courtesy to exist within them.

These are all excellent questions dark and it's given me a great deal of food for thought.

_____________________________

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She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 11:37:35 PM   
Rose4Mistress


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I allocate respect to everyone, upon first meeting them (whether online or in real life).   Its something that my parents instilled in me from a very young age, and I always try to abide by it.
I am respectful until someone proves that they are not worthy of respect.  And then, at least, I remain civil (unless you catch me late at night after a long day...then the claws come out).
However, respect is not, in my opinion, fawning all over some Dominant person upon first email.  People say I am not respectful as I refuse to use "respectful" titles such as Mistress/Master, etc.  I also do not go into "sub mode" upon first emails.  I remain myself.
So as far as respect being earned...if you want my respect as a dominant, especially, a potential dominant for me, earn it by being civil.  If you just wish to talk, I will extend you the respect due to one's fellow human, no more and no less.

(in reply to SDFemDom4cuck)
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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/21/2007 11:48:54 PM   
RandomGAGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Respect comes when ones words match ones actions (I feel trust and repect go hand and hand) and when someone treats others how they wish to be treated.


That sums up how I feel.. Its hard to respect a person you don't trust and vice versa..  The quickest way for me to lose respect in anyone Dom or sub is a lack of follow through.  Actions speak louder than words.


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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/22/2007 12:14:16 AM   
CuriousLord


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SDFemDom4cuck

There's an old saying about asking 100 different people their definition and you'll get 100 different answers. I don't think there is a simple answer to this.


I agree there's no simple answer, and that asking many people may yield many different answers.

Should one inquire about an object on a cordinate grid, one may receive many different answers.  One might say, "It is (2,2)."  Another might say, "It is (1,1)."  Another might say "It is (-1,-1)."  Yet another might say, "I agree with the person who says it's (2,2), only I think it's more (1.9,1.9)."  A brighter mind might say, "It is at least line segment from (-1,-1) to (2,2)."  One with a great view might say, "It is the line y=x."  I would argue all but the last were only incorrent through omission.  I would further argue more inclusive answers are more accurate.

It is with this arguement in mind I would encourage one to seek global answers- functions, as opposed to their instances.


Ironically enough, I write this to you as, to some degree (not to imply a lesser or greater magnitude), I respect your intelligence.  By this, I mean to say, I concede to your intelligence in some instance.  The particular instance is your ability to understand and comprehend.  I need not act to spoon feed you a concept like I might others.  I concede to your intelligence to do this- to interept it on its own.  In this particular instance, convinence is one reason for this concession.

This concession, its nature, is what I would argue to be a universal nature of respect.

Being mathematicians, I am sure you are aware- though I state for the sake of others- that any function, in order to be global, must contain all components.  If I am to claim that my definition is global, and make an arguement to it to a general audience, I must demonstrate how various extremes fall within it, should I hope my arguement to be successful.

Therefore, I will define "respect" as I have above.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord
"Respect, proper, is to what degree, in what manner, and to what ends one might yield to another."


Mutual respect.

"Mutual respect" would be the respect shown for one person to another, and returned, for typical social interaction.  (This is more of a reference to the idea than a definition of it.)  I chose to lead with this example as both participants are equal, and my hint as respect being submissive may conflict with the prejustice against submission being displayed by those outside of generally submissive roles.

I'm quite fond of my last dorm roommate.  Fellow rarely said a word.  I didn't know his first name after two months of living with him.  Most days, we said nothing at all.  Stoic silence.

Yet, in the evenings, when one of us would turn in, yet the other was typing on a laptop or something else, he would, upon observing the other laying down in bed, pick up his laptop and go to the living room without a word.  It worked both ways.  This was a display of mutual respect.

In moving to the living one, one inconvinced himself for the other.  He displayed submission towards the other.  This was something of a mutual contract- hence its adoption.

In this case, the mutual respect between my former roommate and I refers to the willingness to concede minor acts for the significant betterment of the other- such as, allowing the other to sleep.  This falls within the trial definition.

Respect for a superior

This may be seen as coming in two varities.

The first of which is respect for a leader's command.  One submits to the rule or guidance of a leader- such as an order from a superior officer in the military or an order from a parent in one's childhood, or a boss's work order in the business place. 

(Actually, my time just got cut short, so I'm not explaining this one or the rest as well as I'd have liked to.  Just quick notes for consideration.)

The second is the respect for a leader's authority beyond that typically required- such as seeking out the leader's guidance, yielding to his guidelines, to some degree.

Respect for a subordinate

This is the respect a teacher might have for a student, a parent for a child, a boss for an employee, etc.  While carrying general authority, this authority is not absolute.  The will of the superior must yield to the will of the submissive in areas.

Such as, a teacher might wish to fondle a female student's breasts.  However, he respect her not to, or respect the rule against doing so (as a matter of symantics), yielding to either her will not to or the rule not to.  He does so to avoid penalties associated with it.

In ancient history, the Roman Empire was dominant over many lesser states that made it up.  Particularly newly-conquered states.  Such a state would have to pay taxes, or an unconquered counterpart might pay tribute.  Similarly, a shop owner in a bad part of town might pay "protection money" to a local gang or crime organization.  While the Roman Empire, gang, or crime organization may be superior, they often respect their subordinates.  This respect is often in the range of lower magnitude.

Such as, the Roman Empire would respect the subordinate state enough that it does not rebel.  Should it fail to do so, a costly rebelion may have to be put down and the Empire uneased instead of having simply been able to collect tribute money without the need to mobile an army, wasting resources and lives.

Respecting a social construct

One might respect the law.  This respect may be to the extent of respecting the law's power and submitting to not violating it, or at least not to a degree at which one would suffer unjustifiable risk.

One might respect the law in a different way- respecting the law's basis in ideals, submitting to the logic or convictions behind the laws as opposed to simply their power to inflict damage.

Okay, time's up.  Good to see you post again!  Catch you later.

(in reply to SDFemDom4cuck)
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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/22/2007 2:49:48 AM   
LadyPaige


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I am respectful toward all unless they are rude, but in the way I view respect, it's a level of esteem assigned according to your experience with a particular person.  When I was in the service I had to call all officers "Sir".  Once in the lifestyle, I told my Dom I preferred not to call him Sir because while it was "respectful", to me it was an empty title and didn't indicate my esteem for him.  As far as being rude until "respect" is earned, that merely lowers my esteem for that person.  But as annoying as rude people are, it's more annoying to me when some Dom demands that I call him Sir upon intruduction.  I may treat you with respect, but it isn't something you can demand.

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/22/2007 2:52:43 AM   
darkinshadows


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Hello missokyst
What do I consider rude?  Anything that infringes on another against consent including my own at the same time.
 
I answered you because you asked.  However, what I or anyone else believes is rude, in the case of me asking that specific question, (to me) is irrelevant to the response, simply because rudeness is subjective and it was for the context not the content I used the word 'rude'.  What one person thinks is rude, someone else may not - I used the word in a general sense. (Which is why I rephrased the question a little later).
 
Hope that assists.
 
Peace


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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/22/2007 2:58:58 AM   
SanDieganMichael


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From: San Diego
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'm actually one of those crazy people who give respect automatically.  And no, I'm not confusing this with common courtesy.

I give it to them on a basic level until they prove they don't deserve it.

I find my life is a lot more pleasant that way.

As well, I live by the statement that "someone else's lack of manners is NEVER a reason to forget one's own"


Well Spoke, and highly agreed with.


I do not believe that rudeness is ever neccesary, or in any way expected or accepted. 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/22/2007 3:04:10 AM   
darkinshadows


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Respect, proper, is to what degree, in what manner, and to what ends one might yield to another.  Respect is a relatively tangible effect of submission.


 
I really like that highlighted statement - only I do not believe that is only an effect of submission.  Like you suggest, respect is a component of many relationships and for me that includes non BDSM.  So I would maybe exchange 'submission' simply for 'healthy relationships'?
 
quote:

Respect is a component of many relationships on many parts except for those in a supremely dominant position or those disconcerned with the reactions of others in regards to making discisions conerning their own actions.

I am interested and if you can expound on what you mean by 'except for those in a supremely dominant position'?
Peace


_____________________________


.dark.




...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

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RE: "Earn Respect" - 5/22/2007 5:16:46 AM   
Celeste43


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I offer a modicum of common courtesy to strangers. I don't offer to get them a drink the way I would someone I was talking with at a party.

But respect comes after I've seen that you mean what you say and say what you mean, and that you don't use the excuse of honesty to get your jollies by hurting others. That's sadism without consent and that loses any chance you have to ever have me respect you. Plus I'm unlikely to respect a person with totally opposite moral values. If you think all women and children should be beaten regularly to teach them their place I won't respect you, even if the rest of your friends are just like you.

As far as to how long it takes? Different for every one of us. Varies based on our own pasts. If your family of origin was filled with people promising things who never followed through, you'll distrust everyone for a lot longer then if you grew up in a family where everyone kept their word.


(in reply to MsParados)
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