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why cheat???? - 8/12/2007 11:11:39 PM

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i got out of a relationship with a Dom some \time ago...it was long distance and im tlaking NY to FL...i just found out that he cheated on me with another sub. We had signed a contract and in it was that we would not play with others unless it was ok with the other party. he knew that i was monogamous from the start and expecte dhim to tell methese things....is it a Dom tendency to cheat?? please, tell me it aint so!

RE: why cheat???? - 8/12/2007 11:13:33 PM

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Many cheat. It isn't just a Dom thing. It is a universal thing. Sorry you were lied to. Good luck to you.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 8/12/2007 11:14:13 PM >

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/12/2007 11:20:17 PM

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I guess it kind of depends on how you define "cheating". I accept your description and I agree that, as you've laid it out, he cheated.

So now, let me reverse the question on you (sort of): why would a dominant agree to ask his submissive for her "permission" to have sex with others?

I see two answers: 1) he never intended to give up playing with others; making his promise to you a lie. So, he wasn't really "cheating", in his mind because he didn't mean his promise. 2) Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he meant his promise when he made it but, he was not a monogamous person and just didn't have the intestinal fortitude or courage of his convictions to tell you that he couldn't honor his agreement with you.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/12/2007 11:21:48 PM

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Nope. It's not a dominant thing. It's an "I don't want to control myself and be truthful" thing. Why would you think because one dominant across the country cheating on you would suggest that we all do it?

We simply can not blanket statement everything. This confuses me. *S* Why does everyone do that? hehe...ok ok...I know...

I'm all sorts of curious as to how you found out he cheated if it was long distance. Are your sources reliable? What ended it in the first place?

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/12/2007 11:27:16 PM

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From: Nashville, TN
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No, it isnt a Dom tendancy. You got a bad egg.
Some men figure if someone wont find out, its not that bad.
Others, like my stupid ex, seem to think that sex is ok as long as there arent any emotions

For me, I am in an open relationship with Angel. I can play with whomever I want, as long as he knows there are others. He does not play with others, as he isnt allowed to. We agreed to this situation, if he doesnt have the time to devote to our relationship, he certainly doesnt have the time for another.

DV

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/12/2007 11:29:05 PM

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No , Tradition teach's a standard of and to which you are duty bound to fufill or leave this world , seek out someone of said values and get your trust in the right spot for the rest of your journey .
Regard's
MasterLDeSade

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/12/2007 11:48:13 PM

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Being a dominant (or not) doesn't mean they are any better or worse than every day society. Do people cheat in every day society? Of course they do...and so will people in our micro-society.

Master Fire

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/12/2007 11:50:26 PM

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It's not a dominant tendency and it's not a bdsm thing. It's a people thing, because men and women alike cheat. It's nothing to do with gender, or orientation. Some people just suck.

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 3:09:23 AM

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feastie...........As i said " Sleep With Dog's You Get Flea's " ....I do and will not throw Pearls before Swine , wise councel is hard to find .. only those who choose to listen will .
Regards
MasterLDeSade

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 4:47:14 AM

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From: Austin Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbie4u2use

i got out of a relationship with a Dom some \time ago...it was long distance and im tlaking NY to FL...i just found out that he cheated on me with another sub. We had signed a contract and in it was that we would not play with others unless it was ok with the other party. he knew that i was monogamous from the start and expecte dhim to tell methese things....is it a Dom tendency to cheat?? please, tell me it aint so!

Of course it is not a tendancy for all doms to cheat. Some do, some don't. In general some do, some don't.
We are all just people and some use their perceived power to do as they wish, folks like that I personally would not call a dom. Just a guy out to get some closer to home. An LDR can be very hard on people, maybe he just got lonely for a human touch.

I don't understand all of your post, did he cheat online or offline?

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 8:17:21 AM

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People cheat for all kinds of reasons from deep psychological urges to the ol' If they don't find out, it ain't cheating. As he knew your preference of monogamy upfront, and agreed to that for himself, he probably used the distance between you as an excuse figuring it was likely he would not get caught. No, not all Doms are like that, but you have to know a lot of guys will say a lot of things they don't mean to get into a woman's pants. Hardly a BDSM thing. Trust, but verify.

Also, do try to find someone a bit closer. Unless one of you is wealthy enough to be flying from one end of the country to the other on a regular basis, a New York/Florida relationship is extremely difficult to maintain.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 9:36:06 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbie4u2use

i got out of a relationship with a Dom some \time ago...it was long distance and im tlaking NY to FL...i just found out that he cheated on me with another sub. We had signed a contract and in it was that we would not play with others unless it was ok with the other party. he knew that i was monogamous from the start and expecte dhim to tell methese things....is it a Dom tendency to cheat?? please, tell me it aint so!

I guess I have three questions here:

My first and biggest question is why would two people who have over 1300 miles of expressway between them set each other up so completely to fail by demanding monogamy "unless the other knew about it?"

And honestly, did you ever really think that he'd actually call you up, say "sweetie, I have this really hot chick over here, and well, since you can't get here till next month, would you really mind if I fuck her brains out?" (I have visions of poodles jumping through hoops with this one.) Not saying that if you both agreed on it that he shouldn't abide by the agreement, but my amazement is that either of you even agreed to do this in the first place.

I guess my second question is "were either of you making plans to move to the other?" Cause I guess I could actually see making those kinds of promises when biding one's time to make a move to be more local, but 1300 miles and weeks/months in between seeing each other?

A promise like that seems inherently doomed to failure. And I guess that before I started pointing fingers at someone, I'd take into account the mileage and time factor and leave it at that. And color me naive, but before I'd call it cheating (even though yes, it is), I'd call it human error (both in making the promise and in failing to live up to the promise) and either move on or continue on.

I know I know... I'm such a doormat!!

My third question is if this relationship ended some time ago and you're just now finding out about the episode of cheating, why are you generalizing this newfound information as "Dom tendencies"?

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 8/13/2007 9:50:17 AM >

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 10:07:19 AM

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i apologize for generalizing on this subject...but i found out only a little before writing that post. Now, looking at it, it is a sick part of human nature. We were planning on getting an apartment together near my college, we went and picked one out together. He did this both online and offline...and yes, i know it sounds stupid when i say a Dom should ask a sub's permission...thats not what i meant. I misspoke. He had obliged to let me know and then if i had a problem with it i could let him know, ultimately, he made the decision. I found out from a mutual friend...We had agreed on monogamy up front as well...and i think that trust is vital in a relationship...and it took awhile for me to build that trust withhim due to the distance...he owns a plane, so he would come up every odd weekend...but i suppose that distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder, just makes it easier to fool around with others i suppose.

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 11:13:54 AM

FelinePersuasion

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Perhaps cause that's how they went into the realtionship together. Perhaps because his subs being ok with his actions are more important to him than randomly fucking someone. or dominating someone else.

I know that if James was the type to wish to play with others and I said no, I do not wish you to ( insert action) with this woman he wouldn't. Of course it's the other way around, I want to play with others, and he don't wish me to. But, if it was he wanting to play and me reluctant, that's how it'd go.

But then I , and my feelings,am more important to him than a desire to bop or dominate someone else. It is true however that we're not a traditional D/s couple.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Satyr6406

So now, let me reverse the question on you (sort of): why would a dominant agree to ask his submissive for her "permission" to have sex with others?

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 12:23:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Satyr6406
I guess it kind of depends on how you define "cheating". I accept your description and I agree that, as you've laid it out, he cheated.

So now, let me reverse the question on you (sort of): why would a dominant agree to ask his submissive for her "permission" to have sex with others?

I see two answers: 1) he never intended to give up playing with others; making his promise to you a lie. So, he wasn't really "cheating", in his mind because he didn't mean his promise. 2) Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he meant his promise when he made it but, he was not a monogamous person and just didn't have the intestinal fortitude or courage of his convictions to tell you that he couldn't honor his agreement with you.
Peace and comfort,
Michael

Hello
- Satyr - he was still cheating because he lied about his intentions.
They had an agreement, a contract - he - yes, as you well said " didn't have the courage of his convictions" to honor this agreement.

Much, much better if he had been upfront about his needs in the beginning, right? I think so.

Having sex with other people is not cheating if they are upfront, honest and in agreement. Just folks who have their cake and eat it too :) and no calories?!

( doesn't sound so terrible..)

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 5:55:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbie4u2use
... snipped...
just found out that he cheated on me with another sub. We had signed a contract and in it was that we would not play with others unless it was ok with the other party. ....is it a Dom tendency to cheat?? please, tell me it aint so!

It isn't so...

You were lied to and cheated on, these are traits of people with low integrity, not traits of Doms or subs. There are a lot of folks in bdsm who cheat and lie but certainly not all and in my experience those that do are seldom successful in having longer term bdsm relationships. Sounds to me like you do approach bdsm with integrity, you probably want to try to find partners who share your philosophy...

good luck

Bill

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 7:03:33 PM

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thank you to everyone for your insight. it has truly helped me take a different view of relationships as a whole :)

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 7:26:42 PM

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It happens in & out of bdsm. The thing is, in bdsm, many can get away with it, by making the submissive/slave believe it is ok for them because they are the Master & the job of said submissive/slave is to see to their Master's every happiness even if it means looking the other way or even participating in said Master to have another woman whenever he wants one.

Men & Women, though, both cheat in & out of bdsm. In bdsm relationships, some feel it is justified, by, "I am Master. Here me roar. What I say goes with no regard, except my score." People find a way to justify what they do. I have talked to numerous men, who tell me they don't feel like it is cheating if they can't get what they want from their wife or significant other, if it is only once in awhile, or if they continue to provide for their wife or SO.

Sorry that happened to you. I hope you won't let it discourage you about all men. There are some very good & honorable men, in & out of bdsm & also in or out of poly relationships.

< Message edited by MissIsis -- 8/13/2007 7:41:18 PM >

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 9:26:02 PM

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Why cheat? It is like a dog can lick it's own balls, because they can.

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RE: why cheat???? - 8/13/2007 10:26:28 PM

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I cheated once. God it was horrible. I lost both women (although looking back it was no great loss, but at the time it was) and I had a hard time living with myself. I felt lowly and cheap. Why did I cheat? I was young, immature, and well... it was easy. Talk about instant gratification with intense penalties. It was the single biggest learning experience in my romantic life.

I don't regret it, as cheating once has given new light to honesty and trust. This was before my fully knowledge of the d/s world, but the respect for honesty has only grown.

I do know some things... Recently My Pet and an ex-girlfriend (vanilla, not that it matters) were going to start being around one another. I didn't want either of them to meet without knowing of my current staus with My Pet. It took some courage to say plain and simple (to my ex) "I've moved on, I have a new lovely woman in my life." Why was it hard? I'm not sure. What does this have to do with cheating? I would imagine it's very hard for a man, who is supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, to say "Sweetheart, I want to fuck other women, but be with you." Maybe it's something someone with a great deal of experience in the d/s world feels comfortable with, but new dominants in particular are often plagued with thoughts of how every vanilla woman they've ever known would react. I constantly have to remind myself that My Pet is more understanding and patient than my past vanilla relationships.

... The point was...

Telling a woman "I don't want to be with just you." is hard. Most men have heard the "if you tell me about her, I'll be ok with it.." Outside of the d/s world, I'd say 94.62% of the time it's a clever rouse that ends with castration.

He cheated, he's a spinelss dirtbag. (and it's hard to write that as someone who was once a spineless dirtbag)

Not all men cheat. Not all dominants cheat. My advice is to find a man who is not afraid of telling you that your dress is ugly. I'm not saying find an asshole who will say "go change, Fatty!" but a man who is not afraid of telling you the things that a man in a vanilla relationship feels he cannot say.

"I disagree."
"No."
"I'm going to (insert place)."
"Wait here."
"I like the red one more."
"I liked your hair more when it was red."
"I don't want to do that." or "We're not going to do that."
"Wear the blue one."

You get the picture. Why? Because this man will likely be dominant enough in his every day going-ons to have the self discipline to be honest with you concerning the harder truths. (Like "I'm going to sleep around.")

Many men will have a hankering for more. Vanilla or not, things can get boring. A good fix for boring is a change. Good changes are getting into new types of play. Bad changes are cheating. Personally, if I want to fuck another woman, I just turn My Pet into another woman.... Or sex doll... Or a puppy that one time O.o!!

Aaaaanyways... A good man knows how to deal with his urges, particularly if his urge is to have sex with other women (I'm not getting into polyamory, just talking about cheating).

Edit: Had a gramma-slamma.

< Message edited by HeavansKeeper -- 8/13/2007 10:29:29 PM >

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