RE: Resentment while obeying (Full Version)

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Stephann -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 2:04:04 PM)

So, in stark contrast to the snarkiness here, I figure AKA's got some issues he's trying to seriously work out.  Maybe he's not as empathatic as the rest of us geninues, but he seems to take a bloody nose well and tries to learn from it.  I know sometimes I'm just too thick headed for my own good, too, so occasionally I have a hard to seeing my head from my ass.

Anyway.  AKA, I get the impression that your girl is a bit of a spoiled princess slave, sometimes.  That's fine, because you're a bit of a spoiled Top.  Attractive people sometimes catch this nasty bug, and end up 'resenting' each other, relationship wise.  It's not really resentment over what you're being forced to do or not do, but rather to have to bend towards another's will, especially if the person who's instructing you doesn't seem to be very empathetic  about it.

You might want to consider a little closer how much affection you give her, in these situations.  It should be as simple as saying flatly "the dishes need to be done" but in reality, spending the extra 10 seconds to say, in a warm voice "Darling?  I'd like it if you did the dishes after we're finished eating."  Voila.  No longer is this a "I'm strong, you're weak, do the fucking dishes" it becomes "I'm making an executive decision on behalf of the household, and we'll all be happier if you do the dishes."

Trying to balance an even work load, i.e. assuming some of the domestic responsibilities will go a loooooong way towards making her obedience more palatable to her.  Remember, just as you're suffering growing pains, so is she.  This shouldn't about a struggle between you two, but a struggle you both work towards overcoming.  It isn't about her defying you, or hating you, or undermining you.  It's where you get a chance to be patient, to remind her there are obligations.  Keeping your emotions in check is the first step.

Since I don't know the specifics, I'll go with dishwashing.  I tell slave to wash the dishes.  An hour later, I notice they aren't done, and she's watching TV.  I warmly ask her to turn the TV off.  I ask her kindly to kneel in front of me (I do this often, so she's not immediately alarmed.)  I cup her cheek, look her in the eyes, and say "I noticed the dishes weren't done."

Either she says nothing.... so I let her squirm a minute. 

or she inturrupts me, which is where I cut her of, clearly, "The DISHES... are NOT... done."

This is where the look, and control, are important.

"I am very... disappointed."

At this point, I stand up and go wash them myself.  I can't think of a more painful punishment for a submissive.

Stephan






Hisbellaluna -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 2:20:58 PM)

omg...i have never even met you and that senario has me in convulsions just thinking about it...i guess its the translation of my Sir doing that....you're right, that is a painful punishment....



AquaticSub -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 2:31:02 PM)

Valyraen has done something very similiar to that. It's very effective...



SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 3:40:17 PM)

i know relationships can be difficult at times, but it seems to me like the two of you just arent a good fit.......may be time to admit that and move on.....

ive never seen so much "drama"(for lack of a better word), as i see in the posts you make.

it shouldnt be this difficult hon



LadyHugs -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 3:58:54 PM)

Dear akbarbarian, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I do agree with many who are posting their replies, especially when dealing with communication.  There are ways to be commanding without being demanding. [A coined saying of mine].  Just like there is a difference between controlling and domineering and Domination.
 
But, what is leaping out for me in these posts are the slave's reactions that mirror a mood swing of sorts or something that might be deeply under the layers for this slave to which is an internal struggle and still buried and controlled by the slave and others may just be seeing clues that can be missed or some that might not.
 
To be blunt, a slave is their own best Master -- individuals know themselves best as well as issues that are with deliberate intentions smothered as to just manage in life and or to function like a slave.
 
My question would be, is there a pattern when this happens and what is the trigger--sometimes it can be simple frustration while one person makes a mess, a slave resents someone who makes a mess as if to give them more to do and just don't get that becoming a Master doesn't mean you can be a pig and loose habits in keeping someplace clean.  Each M/s relationship is different and created by their own unique recipe--resentment is a measure that is out of balance of the entire recipe.  I would also wonder if there is a medical issue.  Hormone flexing about is an emotional roller-coaster for some.  Some who go through cycles can also be affected.  Might be something external, like at work or family matters and its boiling, cooking and eating at her.  All of these a fore mentioned thoughts will require communication.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 



LadyHugs -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 4:04:26 PM)

Dear Stephann, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
[Chuckles]--I have to just say, that I do much the same exact thing and agree that it is a unique punishment for the slave, especially when they are a service slave --to do my own ironing, washing dishes or such when they are tardy in complying.
 
Respectfully submitted with a smile,
Lady Hugs



KnightofMists -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 5:20:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

What does this bring to mind?  I find that sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't, and because I want to avoid it I find myself in the position of asking a question that means "Is it ok to give you an order about this?" which royally screws with the sense of M/s for me even if I wanted her to get her way.  Which I don't.  But the resentment just rains all over my parade even if I "get what I want".  Is this passive aggression?  If so, what would you say about passive aggressive behaviour in an M/s situation?


mmmmmmmm and so the drama continues...... can't wait for the next thread.... It's like waiting for the sequel of a movie.. wondering if it going to be as good... or in these case as bad as the last one.





Redoubt -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 6:07:33 PM)

I very much like Stephann's take on it, and I really have no issues with anyone trying to learn.

I appreciate that you are taking some flak from some of the board regulars, but there is a message they're trying to get across and you're not addressing that message... so most of them are either washing their hands of you, or just see you as a joke (I know... thanks for the recap, Red).

Coming into this relationship, did you and jodi actually start off by saying "I'm a Master", her replying "i'm a slave" - "Great, you shall service Me now", "okay, Master".
and then ... "now what?"

It will not make you any less master-ly if you sit her down and say "Hey. I don't believe that this is going like either one of us suspected. We need to get both of our expectations spoken, listened to, understood and then agreed upon if this is going to work out".

If she turns around and says "you're the dominant YOU figure it out.. 'sir'" then at that point, feel free to come back... but if you don't start communicating with her, (and that means she gets to talk and you get to listen too) this situation is going to keep getting frustrating, and any life line you have established here is going to vanish.

What are her and your expectations from this relationship, what type of guidance and structure does she need... does she crave micromanagement... does she get hot and heavy when you find fault with everything she does and punish her, does she want clear guidelines and a certain latitude with how she interprets them with feedback from you or what?

If you can't answer "What does my slave expect from me?" in terms of your role in her life, you need STOP and go ask her ... and don't think for a moment she can provide you with a simple answer, drill it down until you fully understand her conscious and unconscious needs, wants and desires... and probe back with questions and scenarios to indicate your understanding of what she is telling you. If you want to make it all domly, you can have her start a journal with the first entry... "Today I become a slave and I pray that my new master will..." and require 500, 1000, or 2000 word essay. Personally, Writers Cramp (give) is not on my kink list, so I prefer a chat.

Hope that gives you something to work with







sublimelysensual -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 6:18:36 PM)

Okay, I think I would have a meltdown if I ever put a Dom in a position that He would do something like that..can definitely see it being veeeeeery effective..
 
sorry for the hijack, but my mouth dropped open when I saw that idea.
-a



MadRabbit -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 7:12:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

So, in stark contrast to the snarkiness here, I figure AKA's got some issues he's trying to seriously work out.  Maybe he's not as empathatic as the rest of us geninues, but he seems to take a bloody nose well and tries to learn from it.  I know sometimes I'm just too thick headed for my own good, too, so occasionally I have a hard to seeing my head from my ass.



Stephann, I would like to hope that you think I am a good guy and think that if I actually thought it worth the time to post something completely constructive I would.

However, this doesnt start and end with this one thread, but a number of threads where many people have tried to point out the real problem to this fellow and all that resulted was no comprehension and precanned smart ass responses.

I have no intentions of trying to drag this thread out for 13 pages like the other threads, trying to explain something to a sociopath who cant get it.

Now am I going to tell him what his selective hearing wants to hear.



angelic -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 7:17:04 PM)

What he said ^^^^^^



MadRabbit -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 7:22:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Since I don't know the specifics, I'll go with dishwashing.  I tell slave to wash the dishes.  An hour later, I notice they aren't done, and she's watching TV.  I warmly ask her to turn the TV off.  I ask her kindly to kneel in front of me (I do this often, so she's not immediately alarmed.)  I cup her cheek, look her in the eyes, and say "I noticed the dishes weren't done."

Either she says nothing.... so I let her squirm a minute. 

or she inturrupts me, which is where I cut her of, clearly, "The DISHES... are NOT... done."

This is where the look, and control, are important.

"I am very... disappointed."

At this point, I stand up and go wash them myself.  I can't think of a more painful punishment for a submissive.

Stephan



I've done something similiar to this in the past in differnet scenarios besides dishes. It is actually really effective. Even when they try and stop me from washing them and do them themselves, I wont let them. I will even go slower. Drag it out so they squirm in their own guilt over not doing them.

When I am done, I will make a point to sit down and say "So will do the dishes next time?", which was always met by a "I will, sir".



Aswad -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 7:33:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

This sounds like a good system, if not one that speaks to my desires personally.


If you aren't completely on top of things (in which case this thread would not exist), then it doesn't really matter whether asking for input speaks to your desires or not. Unless you've got her "completely" figured out, know what you want, and know every aspect of how to take her from A to Z, then you cannot have a working M/s relationship with her without getting her input in a format you can understand. That you have doubts as to whether she is being passive-aggressive, resentful, or whatever, tells me you are unable to make heads or tails of her non-verbal input and that you definitely need her input to make this work.

You seem to care whether she is resentful, but only as an ancillary concern (raining on your parade).

That combination is not a winning one, in and of itself.



KnightofMists -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 7:36:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

So, in stark contrast to the snarkiness here, I figure AKA's got some issues he's trying to seriously work out.  Maybe he's not as empathatic as the rest of us geninues, but he seems to take a bloody nose well and tries to learn from it.  I know sometimes I'm just too thick headed for my own good, too, so occasionally I have a hard to seeing my head from my ass.



Stephann, I would like to hope that you think I am a good guy and think that if I actually thought it worth the time to post something completely constructive I would.

However, this doesnt start and end with this one thread, but a number of threads where many people have tried to point out the real problem to this fellow and all that resulted was no comprehension and precanned smart ass responses.

I have no intentions of trying to drag this thread out for 13 pages like the other threads, trying to explain something to a sociopath who cant get it.

Now am I going to tell him what his selective hearing wants to hear.


well.. you have to just ignore the passive aggressive behavior... you just have to love... how someone tries to take the high road by stepping on those on the low road to get there.

personally... I prefer the approach of Redoubt.. when he said the following.
"I appreciate that you are taking some flak from some of the board regulars, but there is a message they're trying to get across and you're not addressing that message... so most of them are either washing their hands of you, or just see you as a joke (I know... thanks for the recap, Red)."

No passive aggressive BS......  the man kept to his road.. and appreciate the value of others choosing their own road.

Interesting don't you think.. in essense... both Stephen and Redoubt putting out olive branch to umm... oh yeah... aka something or other....   But one does it with showing respect for others frutrations with this um... aka something. and doesn't try to inflate is own ego in the process.. while another.. seeks to inflate it at the expense of another.... Of course.. I am not adverse to Stephen's right to choose is own road... but like me and anyone else.. will be judge by it.  for good or for bad.

as I said.. personally I have the preference of one's style over the other.



editted to add

ps.. remember.. he's only at 40 posts at the time of this posting... look forward to seeing him at 1500... maybe he will outlast us all and keep is calm after reading the multitude of idiots and drama on the board... I know I lost after I think post 2



Aswad -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 7:37:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

I want to learn about resentment as it relates to M/s, in general. 


One of two ways, most of the time:

(a) Not at all, as in you ignore it and go on with life as usual, slave in tow.

...or...

(b) Like oxygen masks dropping on an airplane losing cabin pressure: a very bad sign.



celticlord2112 -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 7:45:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

I want to learn about resentment as it relates to M/s, in general. 


One of two ways, most of the time:

(a) Not at all, as in you ignore it and go on with life as usual, slave in tow.

...or...

(b) Like oxygen masks dropping on an airplane losing cabin pressure: a very bad sign.



Touche!



Aswad -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 8:00:15 PM)

Great point, Stephan.

It's way too easy for people to forget that they are not supposed to be working against each other. Walking the path to perfection together is a lot easier if one views it as a team effort to reach a specific destination, rather than just two travellers who happen to be headed in the same general direction. Especially when one is, as you said, spoiled.

I have this fantasy about making my way across the Hardanger plains to the other side of my country.

The harsh reality, however, is that it is a 250 mile trek over mountainous terrain in harsh wind, up to several meters of snow with little warning, and a limited number of places to spend the night. Further, that cold messes up my lungs, that my respiratory volume will need time to recover from bronchitis, and that I have neither the skills, nor the physical prowess to pull it off at the moment.

If I want to live that fantasy, to turn it into reality, I will have to study, train and work hard for it.

The OP and his Jodi both have a fantasy in mind, but I see several obstacles to making it a reality. Like you, Stephan, I'm thinking the OP may well be planning on going about this by studying, training and working hard. However, there is a time and a place for this bit, and it may not be after starting the trek, especially when there's such a long way to go.

Some things, like the thread on the lost text message, indicates that this is more than just a "failure to communicate." It seems like it is a case of the M-type lacking the structured problem-solving capacity required to pull this off in the way that "speaks to him". That means doing it in a different way, or with a lot of outside help, is called for.

And it may not be enough.

Health,
al-Aswad.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 8:16:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sublimelysensual
Okay, I think I would have a meltdown if I ever put a Dom in a position that He would do something like that..can definitely see it being veeeeeery effective..
 
sorry for the hijack, but my mouth dropped open when I saw that idea.
-a

I am glad someone mentioned that.  This method would not work for my partner at all- it would be overkill and cause damage that would take months to undo.  He's not a delicate flower, simply his desire to please and not disappoint runs too deep and too far.  

Then again, he's never made me angry or disappointed due to INACTION- it's always him trying to do TOO much :)



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 8:19:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
well.. you have to just ignore the passive aggressive behavior... you just have to love... how someone tries to take the high road by stepping on those on the low road to get there.

personally... I prefer the approach of Redoubt.. when he said the following.
"I appreciate that you are taking some flak from some of the board regulars, but there is a message they're trying to get across and you're not addressing that message... so most of them are either washing their hands of you, or just see you as a joke (I know... thanks for the recap, Red)."

No passive aggressive BS......  the man kept to his road.. and appreciate the value of others choosing their own road.

Interesting don't you think.. in essense... both Stephen and Redoubt putting out olive branch to umm... oh yeah... aka something or other....   But one does it with showing respect for others frutrations with this um... aka something. and doesn't try to inflate is own ego in the process.. while another.. seeks to inflate it at the expense of another.... Of course.. I am not adverse to Stephen's right to choose is own road... but like me and anyone else.. will be judge by it.  for good or for bad.

as I said.. personally I have the preference of one's style over the other.
editted to add

ps.. remember.. he's only at 40 posts at the time of this posting... look forward to seeing him at 1500... maybe he will outlast us all and keep is calm after reading the multitude of idiots and drama on the board... I know I lost after I think post 2

You have me totally confused- I think starting with Stephen being the one to make that quote and then after that you use too many names and then mixed in too many pronouns.  I can't tell who you are saying said what in what way and how you feel about it.



slaveofKaos -> RE: Resentment while obeying (8/23/2007 8:32:13 PM)

I would like to thank everyone for there constructive comments with a special thank you to Stephann, TankII7871, and Redoubt. Master and I have been going over the thread reading all comments, and there has been some really helpful information. We are communicating a lot more and a lot better than we use to though we still get stuck once in a while and it helps a lot to hear what others have to say. Thanks again everyone.



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