stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
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An interesting and relevant (now) thread for me.
However everyone's just written about emotional anger and irritation. So I'd like to expand this thread a little further, and move into the territory of suppressed rage and anger from past events and life experiences on the side of the Dominant, and the provocation of that anger or of anger by the submissive in an attempt to overcome their own emotional issues relating to the past and their experiences, be it fear, phobias, insecurity, guilt or regret.
What then? How do you deal with these issues? Do you allow for them? Take them into account? How much do you try to recognise such issues in the behaviour of your partner? How does it affect their perception of themselves, of you, of your relationship? And how can you counteract those perceptions to achieve balance, control and harmony in your relationship and between each other? Is it important? Is it not so important?
I mean, we all like to think that we're going through life without any emotional baggage, and we also like to think that those we interact with also don't have any emotional baggage, but quite often this isn't the case. We all have a past, we have all had a childhood, and surely we cannot deny that our childhood and our pasts have a major influence on who we really are, our inner nature, how we behave, how we interact with others, and how we perceive both ourselves and others. Or can we?
I'm a TS female submissive about to enter into a relationship with an older Domme. But she's a novice Domme, this if it works out (and it may not) looks to be her second serious relationship. Her first was a rather lengthy marriage of being a housewife and mother married to a violent, abusive, alcoholic husband. She has issues of anger, bitterness, she cannot and doesn't want to form any relationship with a man, she claims to be bisexual, but hasn't managed - despite attempts - to form a successful relationship with another woman. That anger and bitterness has turned inward, she has spent several years alone, in self-denial, which has given her a serious weight problem, as she comfort eats, she avoids people, and up until now she was convinced that she can never be happy, never be loved, never be accepted, never be with someone.
I have my own issues, fear of not being accepted by others as a female, guilt from my childhood and my past over accepting and living the male gender role. I am female, but unlike a naturally born female I am only genuinely female deep inside my soul and mind, that part which makes you truly female. Ah, but you see, that's where I'm lucky, and where I was smart of enough to work out at the age of 17 that it isn't the clothes and the make up which make you a woman, nor does a pair of boobs or a vagina make you a woman, but your Soul and your Mind. Therefore I started my transition at the age of 17 at the very beginning - by gaining control of my Soul and my mind. This explains why at the age of 17 I found Buddhism, this is the basis of my philosophy of life, it's the way I live. I could guess that I was a female, but I had to make sure, I had to find out and know. This is why I took on the male gender role fully and worked against myself for so many years. I don't think I'm the only transsexual female to have done so either.
But I found BDSM at the age of 18, and though I have tried with being a male Dom, a male submissive and also being in the female dominant role, I'm most comfortable in the female submissive role with a Dominant Female. My gender issues are separate from my BDSM issues, I am female and as a female I am a submissive female and I am also a female who can only be intimate and submissive with other females. This explains why as a female submissive with a Dominant Male I'm useless, I don't feel it, I don't submit. This also contradicts totally the common assumption that I am a submissive male trying to become a female through serving a Domme. Not quite true. I am as it were 'self-feminized', I feminized myself through my acceptance, examination and rejection of the male gender role in society. But I made the mistake (unavoidably) of rejecting my male socialization as a child by refusing to fit in with my family and refusing to fit in with society or conform to society as a male, so this has given me until very recently genuine insecurity that I cannot be acceptable to society as a female, an unreasonable fear that I won't be accepted by society as a female and cannot be loved by another woman because I am inferior to her, and a sense of guilt that I worked against myself for so long, that I rejected my male socialization, and also that in addition to having the same emotional needs as a woman in a relationship, I also have additional emotional needs of needing to be socialized, disciplined and punished by my female partner for these feelings of guilt, fear and insecurity. This explains why I can only find genuine emotional fulfilment and happiness and feel loved in a relationship with a dominant female as a submissive female. These feelings come straight from my female soul and mind, and are based on my inner knowledge and conviction that I am truly female, which explains why my BDSM interests are completely separate from my gender issues.
Only recently I discovered that it was my belief in these fears which was holding me back, I was clinging to a male body I neither need nor want, I was working against myself, and this is what has given me a significant weight issue, problems with my appearance, and my attitude to myself and others. I had an issue with men, I was afraid of men, and each and every time some male troll sent a message saying 'ur a man' to my Inbox it genuinely hurt me and deeply affected me, shattering my self-confidence and causing me to withdraw and isolate myself. However I've had good Dommes who've taught me to overcome these fears, to be myself and to develop myself as a female. Which is why recently I've managed to gain total control of my soul and my mind and let go of these fears.
Therefore this new relationship I'm about to enter has two sides - both positive and negative. The positive aspect is the way how negative emotions, energies and feelings can be channelled and transformed into positive emotions, energies and feelings through the BDSM principles of power exchange and control. My new Mistress will be the Dominant, I will be her submissive and eventually her slave. The positive is the theory behind our relationship, The remains of my masculinity in my appearance, behaviour and attitudes will draw out her suppressed anger against men and transform itself into positive feelings, energy and emotion which forces me to address the remaining issues I have over my past and my body and to find ways of overcoming them so I can successfully and convincingly handle the pressures of my new female gender role in a relationship with another woman, socially and also in society and also in relation to myself. Also the focus and the power in the relationship shifts away from me to her.
However there are negatives. The base of our relationship is in eastern Poland - one of the most intolerant, homophobic and transphobic areas of the world. She is inexperienced, I am experienced, she has to learn how to be a Domme virtually from scratch. She's Polish, I'm British, and it's not just about two different nationalities who commonly think in opposite ways to each other, but two completely separate cultures - Eastern and Western Europe. This isn't going to be the easiest of relationships. It's going to throw up conflict after conflict, after conflict.
However I've previously lived in Poland for 14 years, I'm bilingual, I know the people, I know the thinking, I know the society, I entered the country in 1992 in male gender role, reached the top of Polish society for my work in theatre in male gender, however in 2005 I came out publicly, suffered a spectacular downfall through being a rather unconvincing and fat pre-op transsexual female - I lost everything, my life was reduced to nothing, but I left the country knowing everything about myself which was really important to know about myself.
I'm an unusual person, I live for my dreams and follow my soul in life, I love challenges, so this new relationship and the prospect of reentering Polish society as my true self and assimilating as my true self is one I admit I cannot resist. My new Mistress has known me for over two years, she's the only person left from my previous life in Poland, she's not only stood by me as a friend, but she's also prepared to overlook the fact that I turned away from her several months ago, and she doesn't give a monkey's about what anyone else thinks about her, about me or about us being together.
But I know that Eastern European BDSM is totally different from Western BDSM. In the West it's developed, diverse, and ranges from the very soft to the very hard. In Eastern Europe BDSM is primitive, not very diverse, there's a strong focus on physical domination, and it can be very hard and brutal. I'm generalising but this is the overall picture.
Giving beatings when the Dominant is angry is not only common, it's also widely accepted. To overcome the challenges we - my new Mistress and I both face I'm changing my life completely, and for the start of the relationship will be living in both countries - the UK and Poland. I'm moving more into the BDSM/fetish/kink communities of both countries and looking at importing and exporting equipment, knowledge and literature about BDSM between the two to overcome any social acceptance issues.
Our relationship with be a LAPT model, through distance our relationship will focus on the vanilla, we will be able to discuss the BDSM issues, talk about our problems and fears, insecurities, and the theory behind domination and submission. However when we're together in Poland it's going to be very much a mixture of D/s and M/s she's going to be the Mistress 24/7 and I'm going to be the sub/slave 24/7.
I'm just wondering how others deal with the anger from 'past issues'.
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RE: Giving beatings when the Master/Dom is extremely angry - 
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