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Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 6:42:18 AM   
xx


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline 		I have a situation that i'm struggling with a little bit.  I would appreciate thoughts/comments and perhaps others that have been in the same situation before ....

I was involved with someone 'online' for a period of approx 4-5 months ..during this time we spend endless hours on the phone and in various RPG's together.  He was new at BDSM, etc but he was very good and my heart fluttered immediately for him - it was a very intense connection.

He left his wife approximately 2 months into our online relationship which had nothing to do with me and their issues were separate of our relationship - she always knew he spoke to me and didnt hide anything from her. 

The problem now comes ....

He moved out on his own ... and hooked up with a girl he met online.  It was just sex, there was no emotional involvement from him.  He didn't tell me though, even after i asked  him if he was with anyone, certain things kinda 'tipped' me off and i have amazingly strong intuition.  I just new ..but i didnt follow that inner voice and pursue it.  I found out because the girl (who knew about me the entire time) became angered when i went to visit him in person.  I stayed 6 days with him and we had the most amazing time together ...it was amazing click.  When i returned home ..the girl made sure that i knew about her, embellished certain facts and lied about things.  She tried to do a variety of things to cause him pain and cause problems in his life.  Which is to be understandable cause she was just a 'thing' that he tossed aside for what he wanted.  I could have undestood if he needed to sow some oats ...after all he was just fresh out of a relationship and as we know that first relationship can often be the 'rebound' one and i didnt want to be that for him. But he did lie to me and did many stupid things that the girl was very sure and desparate to tell me.  He just watned to explore with a 'submissive' girl before entering into our relationship so that he had a clue as he knew i do have a fair bit more of experience in this type of relationship.

One of the most noteworthy thing is that he had unprotected sex with the girl and i have since found a little bit out about her and she is just something i wouldnt trust and is rather skanky.  He did go to the doctor for testing and so far all is good. 

Now, at the time these lies happened we hadn't met.  Does a relationship start when you touch each other in person?  If we didnt have such an amazing connection and if i didnt want to be with him so badly ..then i would have walked away already.  He will do anything to fix this but i dont know what i need him to do. I do trust that this was a grave error in judgment and he is so very sorry.  But..that betrayal of not telling me the truth is almost a sign of disrepect ..that the booty call received more respect than me cause she knew what was going on.  I cannot fathom how a girl with any self respect would continue a relationship with a guy who tells her that he feels for another girl and spends countless hours with her online and the phone. But her issues aren't my problem *smiles* i have enough of my own!

I am the complete opposite of the girl in question and i have to wonder if he finds her shape, looks ...attractive ..how can he find me attractive.  I am very fit, blonde, cute, refined, have a great job, a lot to offer...etc and as i said ..she is BBW, large, very rough, unrefined and vulgar ..and complete mirror opposite.  How can you have such extreme 'tastes'.

I want to move on with him ... i need to forgive him and in a relationship where trust is soooo very important .....i'm stuck. We all make mistakes ..when is one far too big to climb over.

Sorry this is so long :)

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 6:44:27 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah...............

Believe I'll pass....

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to xx)
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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 6:46:33 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe the one thing she has that you lack is confidence in herself. If I were you, and I'm not, I'd toss him off for a variety of reasons.

(in reply to xx)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 6:47:12 AM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		Ron,

I should pass on this one but I will add my two cents.
xx, read just what you wrote to us, and the answer is there.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 6:49:57 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Great minds think alike, M'Lady.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to MissSCD)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:06:31 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings xx,

first of all, she is not a "something," she is a "someone," just as you are. it seems to me that you are making this about her and making it her fault, when in reality, this is a problem with him, and not just because he had unprotected sex with her. you are turning her into the scapegoat for the fact that he seems unable to maintain honesty or fidelity. the fact that he lied about it and tried to hide it in the first place should be your first clue. the fact that he then tried to make excuses about it by stating that he was just doing it to get some experience should be your second. the fact is, HE is the one who went behind your back and hid it from you; the problem is with him. projecting it onto her only confuses the issue, in my humble opinion, and takes away from the fact that he actually does have a reasoning faculty; he should be capable of resisting certain urges and then resisting the urge to cover up his actions. absolving him of responsibility just because it's understandable that he wants to "sow his wild oats" is a bit silly, to me. whether this is a big enough deal to leave him over is really going to depend on how much you are willing to put up with; personally, if i were in your situation, i would not trust him as far as i could throw him. your mileage may vary.

that said, i would not worry so much about the attractiveness aspect; not all men are attracted to a specific "type." my master has been with me at my highest weight (200lbs) and at my middling weight (140-150lbs); i have been with him at his lowest and highest weights. he finds me attractive at pretty much any weight...whether i am within "normal" range or clinically "obese" and a "bbw." he finds a variety of body types attractive, in a more general sense...as do i (on men and women). as someone else mentioned, it is far more important that you have confidence in yourself, which you do seem to lack, rather than that you fit some ideal of "cute."

respectfully,
annabelle.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:35:17 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

it seems to me that you are making this about her and making it her fault, when in reality, this is a problem with him, and not just because he had unprotected sex with her.
This is dead on.

Plus, I'm willing to bet that what he's saying to you......he's saying to her. Do you honestly think she's sticking around for a guy that says, "You're nothing but sex to me" ?

He's lying and beyond that has no idea what he wants. It's probably best to take a step back and take good long non-emotional look at this relationship.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:40:48 AM   
Babybass


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		Trust no-one!!! I just found out that my Dom - who i had been having a real life relationship with is actually married...he never told me and i never suspected. Maybe i was stupid! Maybe he's a pig - who knows!! Maybe both are true.
Anyway - if you cannot trust someone you cannot have a relationship. I still love him - but cannot trust him - so therefore i am walking away!!

Just my thoughts - and maybe they are influenced by my current state!!!

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

(in reply to hisannabelle)
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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:56:19 AM   
xx


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline 		Just to be clear ..it all ended before we met ... he's not cheating... he lied about being with another girl.

(in reply to Babybass)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:56:19 AM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		She is enabling him to do this by going out with someone who is married and having another affair.  She is going to have to decide that she is worthy of better treatment.
This is not a message board issue in my opinion but one rather of how one should live their lives.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to Babybass)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:58:01 AM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		NM

< Message edited by Sabella -- 10/23/2007 8:03:01 AM >

(in reply to Babybass)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 8:06:04 AM   
Babybass


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		Was that question to me?? I did leave him when i  found out - i am worthy of better treatment than being second best in someones life!!
My point to the OP was that once trust is gone you cannot have a relationship.

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

(in reply to Sabella)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 8:17:54 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I think what you fail to see is he has some issues he need to work through. You really don't know him and this isn't a healthy relationship to get started in. This has Red Flags written all over it.
 
 

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to xx)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 8:49:16 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Q-How do you know when two BDSM people are on a second date?
A-There is a moving van in the driveway.

Same thing again and again, take some time, don't dive in, get to know each other, watch for warning flags, don't let your hope override your instincts.

And the unprotected sex thing is beyond crazy, sheesh.

Sigh, one day.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 9:01:12 AM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		 

I'm starting to lose faith in my gender. I really am.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Yeah...............

Believe I'll pass....

Ron


_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 9:31:16 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		"Forgivness doesn't mean forgetting, it means letting go of the hurt." I was told that years ago and it still rings true.
 
Talk to him and lay ALL the cards out on the table; let him know how you feel and find out his thoughts and ask him what you want to ask him.  Rebound or not, he lied to you if the intention was to be in a r/t relationship. As for him getting tested, you should as well. Better safe than sorry.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to BeingChewsie)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 9:32:56 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I guess I will say it another way.......go right to the forgetting and don't bother with fucking around and forgiving.



_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 10:01:20 AM   
wisteriaV


Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline 		Im betting this guy has been dipping his dick in other pussy as well and your not aware of it because hes saying its all in the past and your the onlyone for me baby type routine...sure believe him and then when you catch him dipping his dick again? You said yourself xx that he didnt tell you he was dipping his dick thus it is cheating in my book! Drop his skanky two faced ass and find someone who is worthy of you that you can trust! Once a dick dipper always a dick dipper!!

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 10:13:42 AM   
JaehreksSlave


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/1/2007
From: Arkansas
Status: offline 		A relationship does NOT begin once you meet. A relationship begins long before that. In all honesty everything everyone here has said has been good advice. Honestly if he lied to you once, he probably will again. And again. And dont blame the woman. He was probably telling her everything he was telling you. You need to drop him, do as one of these nice people said and work yourself SLOWLY into your next relationship--and not with a married man in the first place sweetheart.  I dont know why they divorced, though it was convenient that it was while he and you were somewhat together, however I would bet a cool fifty that part of it had to do with his own ability to lie, and shade the truth.  Drop him. You cannot choose who you love, but you CAN choose how you handle it. 

(in reply to wisteriaV)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 10:53:15 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Let's see, you wanted to cheat with a married man,who is still married-only seperated.

Then got upset when he cheated on you. Astounding.

I think you got what you deserved.

Maybe you should consider getting a little moral backbone-next time around?

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to JaehreksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 20
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