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TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 9:56:52 AM

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am i justified in thinking this dude is crazy?

we me through this site, i told him i was looking for play and would consider 24/7 (i never mentioned tpe), but not anytime soon. we met up once just to chat and he seemed normal - in fact, he turned out to be a pretty hardcore feminist, so i figured he was cool.

we decided to play on our second meeting. starting 24/7 or a tpe relationship was not mentioned as a possibility for the meeting. he said we should have a safe word, but i said i'd speak up if something wasn't ok - you know, no means no (as a feminist, i figured he'd get it and since we weren't talking about tpe it didn't seem like it'd be a problem).

the meetup started out pretty hot. and then it started getting crazy. when i was super aroused, with clamps on and not thinking straight, he tells me he wants me to be his slave, tpe and all. no limits, no safewords, he decides when the relationship is ended, i live for him for the rest of my life or until he's done with me. i'm not exaggerating. mind you, i'd known the dude for 2 weeks. i thought he was playing - i'd been with a guy who got off on talking about such things in bed but didn't actually mean them, so i played along "yes, yes, sure..."

it turns out he was serious. i'd told him ahead of time that he should go easy on one area of my body, and instead he went all out. it did not feel good and i was getting freaked out by it, so i told him pretty clearly to stop, that i wasn't enjoying it, over and over again, and he tells me i just promised to be his slave and couldn't stop him, restrains me and does it harder because i've said no. it lasted for something like 4 hours and just got worse.

i could go on, but that's the basic gist of it. i'm not distraught, just sore and confused. so i came here to ask the TPErs - and only them, cause i know how most bdsm folks would react to it. is this normal? do you just jump into tpe with someone, and when you do, do you disregard all the signals that they're not ok and that you've gone too far? i understand pushing limits, but the dude wasn't responsive at all to how much pain i was in and whether i was enjoying it. is that the distinction between tpe and 24/7? and why would someone agree to that with someone you barely know and don't have strong feelings for?

basically, what the fuck?

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 10:10:40 AM

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I'd cut him out of my life completely.

You two already laid out the rules and he got you high on endorphins and asked to change them. You didn't realize he was serious and said yes because you probably didn't want to stop the scene have a long talk about it. In that situation, I would assume he was just talking too.

The whole mess strikes me as less dominant and more desperate on his part. The ignoring your pain and jumping in really doesn't bother me in the context of a TPE relationship. What bothers me is that he, basically, got you drunk and distracted you to get you to agree to it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 10:11:08 AM

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quote:

do you just jump into tpe with someone, and when you do, do you disregard all the signals that they're not ok and that you've gone too far?

Personally, I am surprised that you put yourself in the position that you are in. You should have made it clear to him when he brought it up that now was not the time to discuss such things, especially seeing as how you had discussed NOT going 24/7 already.

J would never disregard my own safety; even though he and I do have a 24/7 relationship. My safety and concern comes first in his mind. This does not mean that he does not do things that I dislike or uncomfortable with; it simply means that 'he would never break the toy to a degree that I lost my trust in him; or I was physically damaged.

What this man did was wrong; but you can not place all the blame on him. You are partially responsible also.

_____________________________

It is only in the silence of calm that the beat of the heart can be heard

(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 10:11:15 AM

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Oh he's not crazy, just trying to take advantage of someone.

And yes, plenty of people would leap into that pool and stay happily there- for a few weeks until you start seeing them post things like "master wasn't like this before..." and "what do I do with my master now?"

You see the obvious- he's a dork incapable of forming a solid long term relationship, so he tries to force it by taking advantage.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 10:12:28 AM

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I'm sorry this happened to you. This in my book is a violation none shorter than a rape.

My advise to you would be to cut all ties with him, right this instant.

< Message edited by Viridana -- 11/4/2007 10:30:51 AM >

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 10:22:31 AM

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I'm not TPE, I'm Gorean. But to some minds that's close enough, or worse (heh). So for what it may be worth, I just want to toss in my vote with AquaticSub and LA. Lose this guy. Yesterday.

K.

(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 11:12:44 AM

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thanks. i liked his vanilla personality a lot and was debating whether to have a long talk with him to set down strict guidelines or just ending it completely, and i've decided on the latter.

(in reply to Kirata)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 11:14:49 AM

Kana

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Smart move completely.
Some people are just scary in the waqy they live in the unreal.

(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 12:07:37 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Oh he's not crazy, just trying to take advantage of someone.

<slight snip>

You see the obvious- he's a dork incapable of forming a solid long term relationship, so he tries to force it by taking advantage.

Hehehheheh. Exactly.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 12:17:25 PM

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Don't let your notion of what TPE "should be" make you ignore your instincts that tell you something is wrong. BDSM should at it's heart be fulfilling. Sure we push ourselves to do things that are beyond what we originally considered "ok" but it's a choice made because this is in some way fulfillng to us.

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RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 12:43:03 PM

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TPE means that, in addition to control, one adopts responsbility. If you're physically in danger, or can't take it.. well, he's not living up to his responsbility very well, now is he?

I'm not sure what's going on with you, but if you don't feel safe, if you weren't ready to go in to it, it's time to inform him and bow out.

I'd point out..
i thought he was playing - i'd been with a guy who got off on talking about such things in bed but didn't actually mean them, so i played along "yes, yes, sure..."
Very big mistake. That's not something any man I've ever known would joke about, but a lot of females I've known say that they've taken those things as jokes. I'd recommend you never take it lightly again, even if you think the guy is. It's just not something to joke about.

(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 12:56:04 PM

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I think you and this "dominant" and I use the term very loosely, co-created the situation. I'm not saying this to "blame" you or the guy for that matter...but rather to get you thinking and acting possibly along a different path. Remember, that there is nothing you can do to change the guy...but YOU can do things differently going into the future. First, it doesn't sound like either of you really knew each other very well at all. It takes a lot of communication between a Dominant and submissive before a truly reliable picture of what I call a "mutually shared reality" is created. You took for granted several aspects of his personality and values/ethics that you should have know for certain and been assured of by repeated "non-play" meetings. If TPE is even on the table, it should be built up slowly as trust and compatibility are built by exposure and gradually increasing the degree or strictness of Protocol and/or interaction. From the perspective of "play or a scene"..."no DOESN'T mean no", that is why we use "safewords". A big part of "play or a scene" is a sub begging and pleading...so the conventional rule of "no means no", as you found out is unreliable and unworkable. How does a Dominant discern between "play" begging and pleading....or a legitimate desire to stop or alter the interaction, SAFEWORDS. Remember that there is a "Yellow" as well as "Red"....this can be used by a new D/s couple to help steer or pace a scene between two people that aren't yet truly familiar with each others perspective levels and when a new sub isn't ready to go as far out on the edge as she might be willing to go as more trust is built. It also sounds like BOTH of you thought with your "cocks", as the "dominant" he had a lot more responsibility to monitor and maintain an appropriate ethical standard...but you still have the "ultimate" responsibility for your own welfare, at least on the outset of a new relationship. Yes, this responsibility progressively shifts more and more toward the Dominant as the relationship grows and more "Power" is exchanged...but on a first meeting your reckless to not maintain a clear level of "awareness" about what's happening and what your agreeing to. For the record...24/7 is about "ALL THE TIME" but not necessarily about exchanging ALL your Power. "TPE" is about exchanging "ALL YOUR POWER" but not necessarily ALL the time. Additionally, there is truly no such thing as "Total" Power exchange...It should be more like "A Super Lot, Almost All ...with a few rare exceptions and you have the final right to leave the relationship Power Exchange". The "real" force behind the Total part of TPE, isn't in a Dominant imposing his will on a submissive...but a submissive that is so "Internally Enslaved" that she couldn't imagine being anywhere or with anyone else...NO MATTER WHAT!!! That is what creates the Total...in TPE!!!

My advice..and it is meant to be very friendly and well-intended...you need to take a lot more time and become FULLY self-aware of who you are as a submissive. You need to figure out what you like and where your boundaries are. What are your absolute "Hard Limits" and what are your "soft limits" that can be pushed and expanded. The better a job you do at this BEFORE you meet a perspective Dominant..the more reliably you can describe the kind of submissive you're offering to be for him.

The biggest problem I find in my search for a new submissive is that they either have little if any idea of who they are, what they like and what they're capable of doing for themselves and me. Then I find the others that "will do anything" and are looking at me to create "their" self-identity. I think the worst part of being single today in the D/s lifestyle is that the "pool" of truly compatible partners is so very tiny. We are forced to filter through lots of inappropriate potential partners who have NOT taken any time to contemplate, become self-actualized and embrace "their" own self awareness and self-identity.

The better job you do at embracing the particular submissive that you are, figuring out where your boundaries are and expanding upon your strengths...the better you become as a submissive and the more "Power" you truly have to Exchange. Also look for Dominants that have just as clear boundaries set...it's NEVER realistic to have a position as a Dominant that your sub/slave will ALWAYS do EVERTHING you EVER tell her. When you see that...particularly at the outset...or even worse in a Dominants profile, they are "Mental Masturbators"...run for the nearest exit!!

(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 1:03:01 PM

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Yepper what they all said!

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RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 1:50:11 PM

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You became his slave in the throws of passion? Neither of you were thinking clearly. Any Master who takes a no limit slave (who's worth his salt) does so with great thought and great conviction on his part. Slavery is nothing to be taken lightly. I wouldn't trust any dom who would take a no limit slave after two weeks. (Never mind make that transition during a hot scene.) TPE is obviously a fantasy of his. The execution of TPE however rarely lives up to the hype of the fantasy. It's a relationship style. It takes work on both parts to bring success. I know you said in your previous posts that you are leaving, but if you reconsider you both need to have a reality check.

Kevin

(in reply to wisteriaV)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 3:03:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wtfcrazy

thanks. i liked his vanilla personality a lot and was debating whether to have a long talk with him to set down strict guidelines or just ending it completely, and i've decided on the latter.

Yeah, the problem is you've already found that setting guidelines with him doesn't work, and he'll just try to get you wound up again and then do whatever the hell he wants.

The funny thing is that if he had played his cards right and earned your trust, then he may very well have persuaded you to give him what he wants and you would have been happy to do so. Instead, he showed himself to be a clumsy oaf, and perhaps just a cut above the guys who try to charm the girls by sending cock pics or slipping rohypnol in their drinks.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 3:24:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wtfcrazy
do you just jump into tpe with someone, and when you do, do you disregard all the signals that they're not ok and that you've gone too far?

Do I? Nope. TPE's not something I think should be "jumped" into. And I never "disregard" any signals that my intuition provides.

quote:

i understand pushing limits, but the dude wasn't responsive at all to how much pain i was in and whether i was enjoying it. is that the distinction between tpe and 24/7?

No. Master and I are 24/7 and TPE (for lack of a better term. Power isn't "exchanged" but I know what you're saying). This has never involved him not being responsive to what I have expressed to Him. This guy got you into his clutches and just ignored anything you had said while hiding behind the guise of TPE. What bullshit.

quote:

why would someone agree to that with someone you barely know and don't have strong feelings for?

I wouldn't. Not now, not ever. But that's just me.

This jerk is hiding behind the idea of TPE to get away with date rape. What a prick...................luci

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(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 4:53:18 PM

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Wow....wow....wow.

First, any Dominant worth his salt wouldn't negotiate a life long commitment in the middle of a scene.

Second, wanting alife long commitment on th second meeting speaks of some psychological issues.

Third, there's no such thing as "no limits". Everyone has a limit somewhere.

He's not TPE. He's a freak and a dangerous one at that since he ignores the distress of the person he is playing with.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to slaveluci)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 4:59:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wtfcrazy
the meetup started out pretty hot. and then it started getting crazy. when i was super aroused, with clamps on and not thinking straight, he tells me he wants me to be his slave, tpe and all. no limits, no safewords, he decides when the relationship is ended, i live for him for the rest of my life or until he's done with me. i'm not exaggerating. mind you, i'd known the dude for 2 weeks. i thought he was playing - i'd been with a guy who got off on talking about such things in bed but didn't actually mean them, so i played along "yes, yes, sure..."

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Being aroused is not a valid reason to forget your responsibility. Playing the oh yes, yes when you actually mean no game with someone you have not established a bond and developed trust with is a dangerous thing to do.

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to wtfcrazy)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 6:31:26 PM

MistressPurpleFL

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Whew I am glad you are ok, playing with someone like that is frightening. He obviously has no respect for you and your NOs. No one in their right mind would jump into a TPE relationship with somone they just met whether he or she be dominant or submissive. This is a process that takes a lot of time and getting to know one another. You should be more careful with who you play with and SET THE GUIDELINES before playing not while playing.. Responsibility falls on both parties and from what you told us The "Dom" you spoke of was just after his own enjoyment.

Best wishes.

_____________________________

"Life is too short to stay in the missionary position" By Mistress PurpleFL

"Nothing caresses like a suede whip in my hand; now let me touch you all over." Be me

"Smile at me with your eyes as you KNEEL to serve me with your HEART!" By me

(in reply to mistoferin)

RE: TPErs: is he crazy? - 11/4/2007 6:38:52 PM

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I will add that personally, I'd have probably done exactly what the OP did. It was in the middle of a scene- and IN a scene I can certainly see myself saying "no way could he be serious, I'll just go with the fun"

But then I've had scenes which started out light and teasing and ended with me begging for my life and absolutely loved it. Didn't anticipate going there, didn't expect to go there, but we did and it was great.

The difference being that we BOTH, as mature responsible adults, knew better than to take whatever happened in the scene and take it beyond. In this situation, we have only one such person.

I think perhaps she learned a lesson, but I really don't think she did anything particularly wrong.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MistressPurpleFL)

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