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losing control? - 5/21/2008 9:18:09 PM

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what do you do when you lose control in the relationship?...kicking her to the curb...my first instinct is not an option.

i been in a relationship with my current sub for a year and a half....it started great i introduced her to the lifestyle all went well for a time...we split at one point cause she told me a white lie...lieings a big no in my house...this happened in the first 3 months of our relationship she got a proper punishment and i took her back....

i've been lax in being a dom with her how i normaly im for 2 reasons...1 she has adhd you would not believe the trouble simple commands give this girl cause her mind wonders...if i wasn't lax she wouldn't be walking from the punishments she would be getting....2 shes 3 months pregnant with our kid so that means theres alot of things i don't think we could do for now...

it's to the point now i ask her to do something as simple as empty the dishwasher before i get home from work...it don't get done i bitch about it....she goes "whatever i don't care i'm pooped and im going to bed after you get home"...keep in mind i told her she would get a red ass if she didn't do it....now i'm sitting here writing this while shes in bed....i understand pregnancy makes a girl tired but this shit keeps repeating....i've tryed talking to her about it but get no results from it....so is there anyway to get my control back or not cause i'm about ready to leave i'm so fed up with the shit...sadly i love my girl even though shes a bad bratty bitch that i would love to lock in a cage for about a month to teach her a lesson so i ain't leaving or kicking her out just yet....

i think i just wanted to vent...

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 4:20:51 AM

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This is going to be the first of many vents. She is not going to change. Things will get worse. Face it. She is the Domme and your the submissive.

(in reply to zigzagzarf)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 4:24:09 AM

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i agree with Dnomyar....she is the one in control

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RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 5:56:31 AM

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Okay you mention two young ones in you profile. Does she have to take care of these young ones? Does she have a job outside the household? There isn't enough information in your post to give you an answer. If it is just you and her and no one else in the household and she isn't working. What does her OB/GYN say? Is she on restrictions from her doctor? I am not being nosy but there are alot of things that could be affecting her energy level and we are not there to see it.

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RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 6:25:55 AM

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Take my advice with a grain of salt, I am a brand newbie...

It doesn't sound like she has any desire to submit to you. If you try to force her submission with punishments she'll probably just walk. Work on being the man that will inspire her submission and throw in some positive reinforcement. Good luck!

Yours faithfully,
freckles

(in reply to mztresn0w)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 6:35:55 AM

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People often make "having control" synonymous with a "struggle" that you are constantly on edge of "losing".

I think that is completely wrong and not how a healthy D/S relationship should be. In a Zen kind of way, it's just simply water under the bridge. The person either flows with me or they don't. They either respect me and my authority in the relationship or they don't.

In this particular case, it seems like your partner has lost all respect for you and your authority or maybe never had it to begin with.

And given your frustration, lack of patience, irritability, and use of punishments, I can't say I am surprised.

I think it's pretty much over and your not going to get it back unless you make a complete 180 and become someone she actually wants to listen to and wants to do things for as opposed to being forced to do.

Next time she doesn't do the dishwasher, try just doing it yourself, not letting it bother you in the least, and then don't give her the time of day for the rest of the night until she comes around.

I am not going to sit on my ass and twiddle my thumbs and wait for people to obey me. If you aren't going to do what I want, I am going to do it myself, get what I want accomplished, and then not pay you any attention until you straighten up. Either flow with me and we can have a good time and a lot of fun or you don't and I have no interest in you.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/22/2008 6:36:12 AM >

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(in reply to zigzagzarf)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 6:40:01 AM

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She's pregnant and her hormones are going crazy as are her moods. But thats no reason for her to neglect her duties. Perhaps she needs you to make a schedule for her that includes "nap times" so that she can get her work done and get those much needed naps. You will have to enforce this schedule for it to work however. But keep in mind things do come up so if she's got a valid excuse cut her some slack but if not punishment is in order.

Pregnancy is hard on a woman's body and thats hard for some people to understand, partcularly those that have never been pregnant. Make sure she takes care of herself and show an interest in her and the baby. But also make sure you nurture her submissive side by sticking to your guns.

Good luck,
~Lashra

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(in reply to zigzagzarf)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 6:50:35 AM

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Even if she is pregnant there are ways to punish her. If you have many times and it's still not working, she does not then she does not want to submit, you need to accept this and live with it or move on. One thing that is needed is being consistent, if she fails to live up to what you have laid out then she needs to be punished it does not matter if she is tried or not. Being tried sounds like a convenient excuse for her to say fuck you to you and do what she wants.

Mike

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 7:24:46 AM

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This just shows the ineffectiveness of punishing a masochist.

I see two possible underlying causes.

First, she may be using disobedience to get the stimuli she seeks.

Second, she isn't submissive at all. "Submission" is an entirely different domain from "masochistic." The two often interpenetrate, but that's far from a given. I've known some very dominant people who enjoyed pain for it's own sake.

You've said you aren't able to "kick her to the curb." In that case, I suggest you get yourself measured for a cock cage and a collar. She's got you on your knees whether you realize it or not.

My approach has alway been, if my submissive displeases me, I tell her that she's displeased me, explained what she did and how to avoid it in the future, and told her that, if the behavior happens again, I will have to reevaluate the relationship. In most cases, that's hurt more than any physical punishment I could hand out, and has done the trick.

< Message edited by JohnWarren -- 5/22/2008 7:27:28 AM >

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(in reply to zigzagzarf)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 7:37:46 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

Even if she is pregnant there are ways to punish her. If you have many times and it's still not working, she does not then she does not want to submit, you need to accept this and live with it or move on. One thing that is needed is being consistent, if she fails to live up to what you have laid out then she needs to be punished it does not matter if she is tried or not. Being tried sounds like a convenient excuse for her to say fuck you to you and do what she wants.

Mike

I saw the greatest idea for reaping consequenses on, of all shows, Hannah Montana. The father had asked the son many times to do many things and he felt that unless he blew a gasket at the son, he never got the son to do what was needed and he was tired of yelling, so he said that since the son wouldn't listen he wouldn't talk, and from that second on he wouldn't utter a single word to the son. After a few days the son was so upset by not being talked to that he did everything that was asked of him and more just to get his father to talk to him again.

Ironically, I was watching it with my own son and said that I knew how the father felt and my son has been better at following direction now too. Not perfect, but better. If it works on a teen boy, it could work on a bratty, hormonal woman who may be using her pregnancy as a cop out (though I strongly urge the OP to make sure that there is nothing medically wrong with her-- most pregnant women can do everything they did before becoming pregnant, sometimes just in moderation)

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(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 7:45:24 AM

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I agree. I have never given My sub, who is definitely maso, a physical punishment, other than having him kneel to await My decision on how I will handle a situation. For him, the worst punishment is not being permitted to be with Me for any period of time. I told him the terms of the punishment, why he was receiving it, how long it would last, etc. When the time was over, we discussed how to avoid repeating the offense, how he felt about it, and how I felt about it. I've never had to repeat it.

Of course, every relationship, and the people within it, are different. The key is to find what really works and to use it.

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RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 7:58:50 AM

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OK, there is an inbalance in the D/s forces happening. Perhaps the pregancy has changed many things, could be physicial hormones balances, it's an emotional, physical and mental thing for any women to become pregant. Not all women respond and act the same way while they are pregant.

Advice, since none of the things you have done thus far, have not worked. Perhaps it's time to step back for awhile. Dom sit your ass down in a chair and face a few Possiable realities.

1. This is a tempory thing as the result of Pregancy, you have no control over what is going on. Step back and don't try to control what you can not control. She how things are after the baby is born. Not right away mind you. Some people simply take a complete break from being all D/s during periods like this.

2. Perhaps, she no longer has a desire for a D/s relationship. If this is the case, you will have to resolve to continuing the relationship on a more equal basis without D/s. This all depends upon how stuck on having D/s is to compared to being somebody you love. I don't know you, her or your full situation. I would however wait until well after the baby is born. To find out if she still desires D/s or not. She herself might be confused and questioning many things. She's pregant.. she's going through a lot of changes. Think about how you would behave if somebody started shooting you up with a lot of different Hormones. Chances are you would not recognize yourself in a mirror.

All the bitching, threats and complaints in the world ain't gonna change a thing! I would say! Use something called Patience at this point in the game! See what unfolds later after the baby is born.

Also, mentally explore if you can have a relationship without D/s or not. Just because you are Dom does not mean you have to have a D/s relationship going on. I hope you understand where I am coming from here.

Either you or her or both and you need to make some adjustments. At least for now.. I would say be patient. Learn to be patient, cause what you are doing right now, with what is going on is not working.

At times it's best to get a feel for the currents in the water you are swimming in.

(in reply to zigzagzarf)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 8:04:28 AM

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One more piece of advice! Make certain you are not the one loosing control of yourself. Ultimately the only person you can be truely and fully in control is yourself. Call this Doming your ownself.

(in reply to zigzagzarf)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 8:22:49 AM

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You are identified as a "switch" and your submissive side is apparently the more stronger. But that may also not be true as I do not know you. I do have a few comments.
With two kids and a third on the way concentrate on your family Not your "kinky" desires. Your partner is Pregnant, hormones are raging, she is not who she normally is/was. accept that.

You are apparently looking for a "third" . NOT a good idea. We have been looking for a year and are still looking, Many who find a third find a lot of internal struggles and a forced "pecking order" The two females will be in one large cat-fight and with 3 kids THEY will be the looser.
Also is this something SHE wants and brought up or is it a carrot she is waveing in front of you in order to keep you tell the babys born. ?
Rethink your prioritys here dad.

I give you points in not wanting to "kick her to the curb" and I do not know if the other two kids are yours biologically or not and you do not mention their ages, But after a year and a half there is already some bonding there.
If she is playing you wanting a "dad" for her kids or not is not a decision I can make but was the third child "planned" by both of you or just her. It sounds like you both are not married and that may be to your advantage financially if you leave but YOU are the one who has to live with yourself and I am sure that she will legally take you to the cleaners if you do.(And if she is half smart she already has kept documentation and note and even a copy of your ad here for possable legal issues- If she did not think of it one of her female friends has..)

The comment that"you love her" does effect how much control/enforcement you feel you want to put on her- as the Love part of the relationship means you do not want to risk having her walk.

I suggest you both sit down and have some long talks in a invironment that is neutral on a day when her hormones are not going banannas.. (Its going to get worse)

Sorry to say you in deeep water and its going to rise.

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RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 10:49:48 AM

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I don't think this should be much of an issue at this time because of the pregnancy. It sounds like she's exhausted. I know when I was pregnant I would just drag myself through the day.
ADHD is difficult to manage as well...(I have ADD). One thing HoneyMaster does is to write down the things He would like done, (mornings are hell on my memory), so, later, when I'm feeling more myself, I can go through His list, and check things off as I get them done.
I don't agree with the others who feel you're being dommed; I just think this is a lady who is stressed, exhausted, has memory issues (oh, and, btw...pregnancy can make your memory even worse for some reason...I had a very difficult time bartending while pregnant because of this.), and is at the end of her rope.
My suggestion is for you to support her, and tell her that it's probably a good idea to put the d/s aside until say...six months after the baby is born. Tell her you want her to be able to concentrate on herself, the children, and the new life she is carrying. Tell her how proud of her you are; and tell her you can't wait until she can serve you again, but until then, let's just concentrate on our family and our future.
A man like that makes a girl want to serve...

p.s. that doesn't mean she shouldn't help with chores around the house...just not as a slave...rather as a contributing member of the family.

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(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 11:39:02 AM

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I have to agree with Blush.. The ADHD is a major part of your problem, especially since she cannot take any medications for it while pregnant. Pregnancy also tires you out a lot faster than you would think between the hormone changes, balance changes and you try carrying extra weight on your belly that pulls at your back while selling your chest. Children already in the household rarely stop to think Oh she is pregnant, lets behave and they too can be running her ragged right now. The situation may literally be overwhelming her ADHD and exacerbating it. Now that is not to say that you can't still impose some order in the household, but frankly you may need to get her some help as well.

You know what her normal attention span is, at least you should having lived with her for some period before the pregnancy. Don't enact any punishments, corrections or even set tasks that exceed that time limit. Those with ADHD off meds can only concentrate for a short period of time unless they have retrained themselves to a physical fidget. I taught my oldest son to squeeze a stress ball when he needed to concentrate..this allowed him to focus on the task at hand while still fidgeting in a way that did not distrupt his classes. He still does this to this day. You can literally tell how hard he is concentrating on how fast his hand manipulates that ball.

Make lists and tie it into a alarm of some sort. There are many PIMs that you can run on a computer that pop up a message and chime when it is time to do something. You can also set an alarm on a watch or cell phone that ties into a list on the fridge for her.

Instead of concetrating on punishments to control behavior, if you cannot use physical punishments like time outs, hand swats (those hurt but do no damage if done right and won't affect the baby), then try behavior modification through positive reinforcement. Treats, special times, even just a back rub for getting a task done can help with a submissive who can't be physically punished. It can put them in a mindset to achieve and get the pleasure..verses trying to avoid just getting yelled at again.

Good luck

poenkitten

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 11:49:50 AM

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heh, I disagree with both blushes and poen as I am an unmedicated person with ADHD and when I was pregnant I had no issues with lack of energy. In fact I needed someone to force me to sit down and stop cleaning.

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RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 12:47:15 PM

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Ok my first suggestion is talk to her doctor. Go with her the next time she has an appointment and tell him your concerns.
(you might want to leave out the D/s end of it) but she is exhausted, the ADHD is worse, if it is.. etc. Sometimes a second set of eyes and brain can be very useful to a doctor because you are a semi impartial viewer.

Second, have you tried talking to her, not as her master, but as the father of her child. Sit down with her and the two of you need to have a serious talk it seems. The D/s seems to be a small part of a larger problem of respect, and the relationship as a whole. Having her exhausted and ignoring you,and you angry and frustrated is no way to try to make things work.

Once you do that, then see where things stand. Your relationship has changed.. now its up to both of you to see where it goes from here

Wulfen

(in reply to zigzagzarf)

RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 12:50:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

heh, I disagree with both blushes and poen as I am an unmedicated person with ADHD and when I was pregnant I had no issues with lack of energy. In fact I needed someone to force me to sit down and stop cleaning.

Perhaps cleaning is your yin to ADHD yang. I've got some laundry if you feel that compelled to clean

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RE: losing control? - 5/22/2008 1:18:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

heh, I disagree with both blushes and poen as I am an unmedicated person with ADHD and when I was pregnant I had no issues with lack of energy. In fact I needed someone to force me to sit down and stop cleaning.

Everybody's body chemistry is rather different from person to person...

(in reply to OmegaG)

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