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RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 7/11/2008 11:45:20 AM   
soshiazukai


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/10/2008
Status: offline 		im going to say run for the hills shes nuts. wedding madness or not, run and run fast.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 121
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 3/6/2009 11:33:15 PM   
CountrySong


Posts: 554
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		OP - Wow. Been there, done that, it was fun and a lot of pain. I loved her so deeply that losing her almost killed me as it triggered depression and then a suicidal mixed state. (FYI - if she is bipolar then you have about a 20% chance of a lifetime relationship based on statistics. Good luck.)
Not sure I would do it again but a large percentage of the subs I've met in this lifestyle have some mental illness.
It really does sound like she and you have mental issues. Me and my EX did. Both bipolar but mine was the lightest type and I actually was dumb enough to think it was gone - then I found her and she was my universe! Unfortunately I was not on benefits like she was and I had to live and work in the real world. I had to be away and she needed the absolute 24/7 commitment. She went manic and found another lover from beyond the stars!
She had rapid cycling and could go from "Your my lover from beyond the stars." to "I never loved you and could never love you." Major violence was rare (She only tried to stab me twice.) I switch on the masochism side so if I saw the signs I would let her have at me - it worked for a while and the physical pain was much better than the emotional pain for both of us. I was also big enough to control her physically and would if things got out of hand. (Hint never let her tie you up. It might be the last thing you do.)
If she does have bipolar
Have fun out there on the back roads and in the woods - writing you lyrics and singing your songs. I do the same thing and it is where I find the greatest peace. But as you implied - I have bills to pay and have to return to the city for work. At least until I reach financial freedom which thanks to the current economic mess will not be for another year :-(
If you want to learn more about bipolar from someone who has it you might look at - The Bipolar Advantage website and podcast. it talks about the violence and he even did a podcast about a freind who commited suicide. (BTW - Speaking from experience that is emotional hell when someone you love is suicidal. EX went there about every 4 months. Emergency rooms, mental wards, and suicide watch are tough. I did that for 2.5 years.)
It is great that you love(d) her and the sex is fantastic but if she is really bipolar, is cycling, and not on meds then go check out the realities of what you are committing to. Most cases lead to emotional and financial devistation.

(in reply to soshiazukai)
Profile   Post #: 122
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 3/7/2009 8:13:09 AM   
Vinmier


Posts: 41
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelicbitch

Cant polish a turd....



Actually, you can. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBj6PonX14A

(in reply to angelicbitch)
Profile   Post #: 123
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 3/7/2009 2:02:30 PM   
Jackie4the1


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline 		That is YOUR lucky day! If this happend, you're so so so lucky you didn't marry this woman and have children with her!  Count your blessings!!

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 124
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 3/7/2009 2:28:21 PM   
serisa


Posts: 219
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		shes very ill

(in reply to Tormentise)
Profile   Post #: 125
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 3/7/2009 6:13:33 PM   
Alphascendant


Posts: 285
Status: offline 		OP here, closed originall account and opened a new one as she desired for us to have one as a couple, but that was before the latest incident. After a year of not seeing each other, we began to communicate again. Then, while in Maine, I called her a cunt on the phone because she said I was obsessed with my music because it's almost all I listen to and am continually working on it. Well, as usual, she said she would "never" speak to me again. As those words always devastate me, and returning to California, having not been laid for over 4 months, I went out with a woman who was genuinely thrilled to see me as she was the person whom I had been with 4 months earlier. That incident was over in minutes as I was sick to my stomach and distressed about having been with anybody but the subject of this post. Hardly a person in the world would say there was anything wrong with that, except for preachers and Bible thumpers, the only reason it seemed wrong is because of my guilt for not waiting for her. So I sent her an email telling what had happened, stupid me.... We then got back together and things were how I wish they would always be. I wasn't sure if she had read that email or not, hoping that she had and decided to drop the issue and forgive me. Wrong again. She then read it and all hell broke loose. Then one night, when finally getting a prospective band together for the first time, she decides to come over to my studio. I can not divulge all the details, as the police were there and the legal ramifications may not yet be resolved. What I can say is that she was drunk, beligerent and disruly, and there were witnesses. She picked a stranger off the street of the seedy area where my studio is located and chose to sit and party with him in her vehicle while she waited. It turned into an argument and when the police arrived, she was charged with assualt because my face had been bloodied, but I refused to press charges. She also broke several windows of the bulding and was throwing temper tantrums in the parking lot, in the alley, and up and down the street. Because I do love her, I will continue to forgive her. If I am to live and die for her, so if she someday stabs or kills me, as many have predicted, I can accept that, as there is no greater example of love than to give up one's life for it.  My next question for the submissive/slaves is... You may enjoy having your hair pulled and getting a spanking when you are in bliss, but what if that happens when you are really pissed off at your master?

Being a human, so fatefully human
Thus prone to occasional mistakes
I seek to be true
Most dearly to you
Regardless of how much it takes
To slip and to fall as it often takes all
To shoulder all there is to bear
But when the smoke clears
From battling the fears
I find that your love is still there
Still there in my heart
Although torn apart
But not quite beyond repair
It is reassuring
And helps with enduring
To find that your love is still there
Still there in my mind
Foremost aligned
Devotion beyond compare
When what has begun
Is all said and done
I find that your love is still there
With eyes that spring forth
With tenderness
A bloom
Of most stunning display
Beauty unequalled
In Elegance
As you
Complete the bouquet
 


< Message edited by Alphascendant -- 3/7/2009 6:20:55 PM >

(in reply to serisa)
Profile   Post #: 126
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/14/2009 10:55:19 PM   
Alphascendant


Posts: 285
Status: offline 		Nearly the entire day was spent deciding on how to wake this sleeping dog. This post is not initiated to gather responses, but to shed a little more light on the overall picture. Why were the police called to that last incident? Because she was drunk and during her tantrums lost her keys, then called the police accusing me. I was charged with theft, she was charged with assault as my face was bloodied from her fists. She uses the internet for her revenge because she doesn't have the courage to talk to me in person. She can threaten to have me arrested over another incident, but if she does she will go down with me. I have only wanted the best for her. Earlier in this thread the phrase "buyer beware" was mentioned. How about a slave that, while getting spanked, is laughing uncontrollably, saying over and over, "That doesn't hurt," shouting obscenities, and then turns around and takes pictures of the bruises on her butt to use against him? Buyer beware for sure.


I have talked to a therapist on different occasions over this matter, but not lately because I know what the therapist will say. The slave once told me that she would always be mine and would always come back to me no matter what. Since her last new profile, of which she actually had two at the same time using different statistics, she hardly tried to hide her identity, posting information that only I would know, knowing it would upset me and provoke a response. It did, and while it might not have been a wise choice, it happened. That's how it works. Someone said that the best punishment is to ignore and it was my error for not following that rule. My response may have been illegal and I knew that when it happened.

Tit for tat is what she used to say, she has the tits, luckilly I have a tat to counterbalance. After her latest profile, I did not sleep more than an hour on any night for a few days. As I fell asleep on one occasion, I was certain that I was finally past this, that I would not ever forgive her again, yet, as I fell back to my system of beliefs, from which I obviously had strayed to be able to retaliate, and which I had to return to in order to escape my futility, some faint glimmer of hope remains.

Maybe the retaliation was due to my being uptight from not having any intimacy for months, or even providing the myself with a release of self gratification. I don't know. I had my chance tonight, a cute little cashier at a drug store along my travels propisitioned me, but to be honest, writing this post was more important, so I politely turned her down. This is only being written because I know she will read it. No, the greatest punishment is not to ignore somebody, but to give up on them, a punishment I have considered many times, but my belief system does not allow that. It's amazing how she uses her profiles on various websites to gather as many friends as possible while promoting her promiscuity, but if I do something to send a little more attention her way, using what she had made public to the world, she screams bloody murder.


I don't need anybody's advice because, again, I know what it is. maybe a good luck? This is to remind her that if she wants to go into a legal battle to be prepared for the worst. I have a history of digging things out of the trash and making something nice, embracing what others have thrown away, so regardless of how nasty this has become, I still see hope. She once agreed to talk to my therapsit because she wanted to inform the therapist the truth about me. But I then said the wrong thing and she reversed her decision. I trutly believe that if we had gone to counseling a long time ago, none of this mess would have happened and we would be happy together. But for us to get back together now, she will have to be somewhat honest with her family and friends, something that is very difficult for her to do, but if she chooses to bring this to court she will have no choice. The choice is hers. I had moved on before and I can do it again. She is still friends with nearly all her exes and ex-johns, that should have been a red flag. She even once commented that I was the first to ever call her a bitch to her face while all the other men she knew fell at her feet.


I don't have to look for pussy, although I sometimes do explore the possibilities when she is not communicating to me. Women come on to me on a regular basis. There is only one thing about her that is difficult for me to replace. I can replace everything about her with something better except one thing, the degree of energy that she contributes to my song writing process, and I am a song writing machine. My mind, body, and spirit pulsate with music 24 hours a day. Until somebody comes along that can replace her in that capacity, my music will continue to be influenced by her, that is the connection. Yes, some of my actions have been uncalled for, I am only human, a very emotional and sensitive human at times and sometimes that fiery passion escapes my control. Forgive me if you can, if not, then que sers sera. There may be those out there that want to belittle and mock me, just remember, what goes around does indeed come around.

(in reply to Alphascendant)
Profile   Post #: 127
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/14/2009 11:07:44 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Perhaps after 5 months it would have been a kinder gesture to yourself, that if you felt so compelled to write this out, to put it in a personal diary.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Alphascendant)
Profile   Post #: 128
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/14/2009 11:12:18 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Have you considered joining a monastery?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 129
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/15/2009 6:32:49 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		We are responsible for the choices we make.  You, and one of the other posters on this page clearly have issues with choosing unstable people.  This is not the norm.  Submissives are not more prone to mental illness.  I will point out that pulling the trigger in a game of russian roulette does lead me to believe more than one person here is responsible. 

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 130
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/15/2009 8:56:07 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Have you considered being evaluated for bipolar disorder? Your patterns of no sleep, manic energy, and seeking to stay in a hypomania/mania state is typical of this.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 131
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/16/2009 6:16:15 AM   
Alphascendant


Posts: 285
Status: offline 		I beleve anxiety is a healthy thing, the flame of passion, why would I want to mess with that? It may lead me into an occasional deep, dark hole, but it is only in darkness where we learn to truly appreciate the light. What kind of medication are you on?

Ours has been a very twisted relationship. I have been to different therapists in the past, but not lately because I know where it will lead, to their saying my problem is being unable to find the right woman, each one has said the same thing. Maybe she doesn't exist? It certainly doesn't help if the woman has been very efficient at creating a mirage, even more difficult if she believes that mirage. Maybe my logic is so far from what the social majority has been conditioned to believe that there isn't a woman that can cope with my eccentricities without somehow trying to change them to what she believes is best for me. No thanks, I'll keep my hypomania.


"Hypomania can also have a benefit in creativity and productive energy. Many have cited it as a gateway to their success, and a large number of people with creative talents have experienced hypomania or other symptoms of bipolar disorder. Classic symptoms of hypomania include mild euphoria, a flood of ideas, endless energy, and a desire and drive for success." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania Gee, somebody is really happy, but then has mood swings because they aren't really happy all the time, all while being endlessly creative and working constantly to achieve success. I can understand how that will make others jealous to the point of finding something wrong with it as a means of excusing their own sorry behavior. Experiencing the symptoms of something doesn't mean it is in effect. If my balls itch doesn't mean I have crabs.

If what I believe to be true is not the reality of everybody else, then who's the psychotic? I have been witness to people vanishing into thin air. Impossible you say? Maybe I am just luckier than others because I have seen it, because I believe it is possible, and those that don't believe are blinded by their own jealousies, ignorance, or closed mindness, therefore accusing me of being insane. Maybe it isn't luck, maybe I have earned the privilege of seeing such things because I have dared to believe and lived my life accordingly to the best of my ability. So maybe in her mirage is where she is comfortable and it is all very real, to her, but it is indeed a mirage when it has to be sustained with lies and deceit.


I work for a law firm that promotes freedom of speech and expression. The "Establishment" has held seminars on how our coalition is dangerous because we try to enlighten the so called less desirable elements on how to use the Constitution for their advantage. I may not agree with or care to partake in a certain "lifestyle" but I certainly do defend the right to live it. At an event last week, Sturgis, South Dakota, it was frustrating to see so many people that are not interested in their rights. So many people acting like tough bikers, yet with no guts to stand up for their rights. One man said, when this country goes down the tubes he won't feel sorry one bit, as this country will get what it deserves. Society is fucked up when a person feels better about spending $100 cheering on a millionaire athlete to chase a little ball, instead of donating it to a worthy cause. I used to chase the little ball, not any more.

Booze, drugs, sex, and motorcycles, a week of it for miles and miles around, as I was there to help what seems to be a majority of unappreciative assholes continue with their freedoms. During my off time I chose to hibernate in my little private dungeon, sitting there in the darkness wondering what the fuck am I going to do next. How will I escape the madness?

It wasn't until the event was over and I got out on the open road, listening to Benny Goodman, practicing my vocal scales, reading my books, studying music theory, and feeling the energy of my new song that I began to feel alive again. Stopping at a little gun shop to buy a .50 caliber musket loader and have it shipped to my home in Maine. If the social structure crumbles today, it would take less than a year to walk from Maine to California. I have a compass and can kill a deer with a pointed stick. I got a shotgun rifle and a 4-wheel drive and a country boy can survive. You can call me crazy, bipolar, whatever you wish, 30 years ago I first made the connection between Maine and maniac, yes, I am the real thing. Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys..... don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks. If I don't give a crap about what anybody thinks of me in the normal course of a day, doing what I want to do, why would this forum be any different, nobody is going to change me. If Dio can still pipe it out at 67 (have you heard the band Heaven and Hell?) at 49, I am in no rush to be popular and attracting a crowd that will only get in my way. I still am learning how to sing.


I used to find entertainment in these threads, but after time, seeing the same opinions, the same warped delusions, repetitive pissing contests, and the same crappy website mentality as any other sites, quite frankly... all of the other sites, minus a few exceptions, as I do agree with and it was refreshing to discover the political and spiritual opinions of a select few here as well as being enlightened about the relationship between dominance and submission, but nothing more that can or will change my outlook on life, or contribute to my contentment in a positve manner. If anything, this site has opened my eyes to the lack of discipline in my life, self discipline. I have your bipolar right here.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 132
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/16/2009 6:29:14 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alphascendant

I beleve anxiety is a healthy thing, the flame of passion, why would I want to mess with that? It may lead me into an occasional deep, dark hole, but it is only in darkness where we learn to truly appreciate the light. What kind of medication are you on?



I would never begrudge anyone their happiness nor the right to their reality (provided it does not impinge on the rights of others).

However, do your moods ever negatively impact other people?

...Also, you should be aware that in the event (as unlikely as it may be) you ARE bipolar, the suicide rate for people with bipolar are quite high.

As important as the energy can be for creativity, to paraphrase a friend-- you can't work on your music if you're dead.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Alphascendant)
Profile   Post #: 133
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/16/2009 7:32:37 AM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		FR, after skim thru

+90% of your problems (in your relationships or whatever) is rooted in what you display in the following . . . . .. . If that's the attitude you offer up in exchange for requested feedback about your issues, well . . . . . *shrugs* . . . . Finding a site full of people who are gonna unconditionally support & affirm what you do & say is gonna be tough, in my not so humble -- best of luck with that . . . . ..

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alphascendant

I have your bipolar right here.



_____________________________

Snarko ergo sum.



The Verbossinator

(in reply to Alphascendant)
Profile   Post #: 134
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/16/2009 7:46:50 PM   
Alphascendant


Posts: 285
Status: offline 		Sensing your sincerity is genuine generated my gratitude for your well wishes DemonKia. I am enduringly astonished at the imperceptable amount of attention this issue has agglomerated in it's entirety. When attempting to prove or improve one's self, aligning against an preeminent opponent is unrivalled in it's effect. The ultimate method in becoming the best at anything is to emulate those considered to be the best in anticipation that either an exorbitant effort, unequaled ability, or an extraordinary occasion assists in the optimum of success. If one aspires to arrive at the apex in any area an excessive endeavor ought to be expected.


From those moments in my early childhood of having my face stuffed down onto a pillow with my ass in the air, life has been my biggest challenge, to live it the way it has been presented to me, not how others suggest. That even has suggested a topic for a possible thread, who are my psychologically and emotionally impaired by childhood rape, boys raped by boys and men, or girls raped by boys and men? Does the fact that both are victims of animals nullify the disadvantages? Being unable to speak for other boys, but this boy has not ever had a cock shoved in his ass since and it took moving to a big city for me to learn how not to despise a person because of homosexual behavior.

Life has been my challenge, to find my path my way. My biggest regrets? On a school bus one day, the grade school bullies threatened to beat me up if I didn't pound my fists onto a friend's back after they had finished beating him. I was scared as they often beat on me, in school everybody beat on me, even the girls. Knowing then what I know now, I wish they had beat me instead. As a matter of fact, I just did a whitepage search on his name and called, leaving a message that it would be nice to hear from him. My other regret was sticking my little (step)brother's finger in a red hot auto cigarette lighter, not to say he didn't deserve it for misdirecting his father's wrath upon me, and he doesn't remember anyway, I was ten, he was four. Other than that, I do not recall ever physically hurting anybody that did not strike first.

I hurt my family to learn of my drug use at 14. Women have been hurt when I walked away. People have been hurt when learning of some of my predicaments, not because it affected them directly, but because they care. My life has not been about, and is not about hurting people, it is about making people feel happy and secure knowing I am there if and when they need me.

Yes, I hurt the CVS, even intentionally on specific occasions, but only as retaliation in the form of a chess game. And as in chess, I was hurt because of not anticipating each move far enough ahead as she complicated the challenge, failing to realize that being a challenge, she was indeed my accomplice. I had only ever used the ignore button once in a relationship and forgot that it was still there. That's what I get for not calling my mother often enough, her advice basically being "act like she isn't there," or "tell her to pound sand up her ass." If the CVS does not ever speak to me again, hopefully my actions have somehow caused her to be more dilligent with deciding who she will spend the rest of her life with, I hope someday she will think of me fondly, instead of telling a guy that she wants to play house barely two weeks into the relationship.


I am not here seeking support. My unconditional support site is on a mountain in Maine. My reaction to the suggestion of a bipolar disorder was not designed as a personal attack on DesFIP, it was a reflexive action. Was her suggestion out of a true concern for my welfare, a statement made based on all the facts relevant to this situation, or just a simple "You are crazy!" hammering of another's sensitive expression exposing vulnerability that is so prevelant on this site. Like a pack of vultures. Flock you too. Dominant does not mean human without feelings, as has been noted on this site. And isn't the women that came up with the notion that it takes more of a man to express his feelings rather than hide them? I am accustomed to being called crazy, ask all my friends and family, they will agree. Nobody here has ever bailed me out of jail. I did not come here looking for new friends, nor expect to walk away with any. If life was perfect this website nor the thousands of others would not exist. The internet would not exist. We would not have the need to communicate around the globe. We would (cliche time) love the one we're with.

Bipolar, two poles. When searching for a smiley I expected to find a smiley using a single digit as an expression, planning to use two smileys with one digit each to represent the two poles. To my surprise, there was that smiley exhibiting two digits. Perfect!! Even if I could be, would be, should be, might be, maybe, or even someday be bipolar, it is all part of the challenge and I will tackle it on my own terms. Thank you angelikaJ. All it takes is one person against millions of others to give somebody hope. There are many doctors that would diagnos me as bipolar just to sell me their pills. In the event that I was bipolar, I would strive to be the best bipolar, drag me down and I'll bipole you too. I am heteropolar. If my issues were twice as serious would that make me quadruplepolar?

For those of you that wish me not to comment in this fashion but write them in a , whatever you call it, nobody has twisted your arm and forced you to read these words, or would that be having to much fun? And if there are those of you who mght be struggling with a bipolar disorder, please excuse my remarks and accept my apology by chance these remarks have been offensive. But if your level of medication has stablized enough to allow you a sense of humor, wear your digits proudly......

(in reply to DemonKia)
Profile   Post #: 135
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/17/2009 7:52:55 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alphascendant
Because I do love her, I will continue to forgive her. If I am to live and die for her, so if she someday stabs or kills me, as many have predicted, I can accept that, as there is no greater example of love than to give up one's life for it.  
I don't agree. It's passive agressive, masochistic and a craving for martyrdom.

quote:

I have a history of digging things out of the trash and making something nice, embracing what others have thrown away, so regardless of how nasty this has become, I still see hope.
It's called "White Knight Syndrome". And you've picked this one out of the trash over and over and over again to your own detriment.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alphascendant
Dominant does not mean human without feelings, as has been noted on this site.
Of course, Dominants have feelings. It's what you do with them that counts.


Bottom line, this relationship is unhealthy, but yet you hang around waiting for her to change. (She won't)

Master has a saying: "The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results."

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Alphascendant)
Profile   Post #: 136
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/18/2009 3:19:40 AM   
Alphascendant


Posts: 285
Status: offline 		The last time I spoke with a therapist about this situation, the therapist
informed me that such incessant anger could take many years to mollify,
and asked if I was willing or able to endure the process. At the time I thought so.
But after reading that tolerating such behavior most often induces it to escalate,
that explains her becoming gradually more and more out of control of herself and
those morals she most adamantly had declared to possess.
That could also explain why she expects that when the dominant man she wishes
for, abounding with honor and integrity, suddenly appears to sweep her off her
feet into a sunset of eternal bliss, magically all her emotional issues, of which she
is in denial of, will conveniently disappear.

Yes, I have agreed all along that I may be , am the trigger of much of her anger.
I was raised to believe that if I have a problem, I solve it face to face, and not run
away from it. It's called being responsible. So as I might trigger her anger, it is still
her that has to learn how to control it. I don't think it's me personally, but that it
could be any man, it's a commitment issue, she even had admitted to that. It was
my mistake to believe we could weather the storm without counseling, as mitigating
circumstances prevent her from the TPE she desires.

My reasoning was, if she has these certain commitment issues they will resurface
whenever she gets to a certain point in a relationship that displays the potential she
desires, and if I could somehow survive long enough to walk with her past that point,
I would no doubt die a happy man. The fact that she can not behave in a civilized
manner around me developing into a pattern of her bashing my face in, a pattern of
violence towards me and then trying to make me jealous, instead of being able to
look me in the eye and honestly apologize for her behavior, whether I instigated it
or not, hurts more than all of the face bashing combined.

My reasoning backfired. My biggest mistakes were calculated, just the wrong
choices. To a certain degree even not wanting to follow through in certain instances,
but not following through seemed to be the greater of mistakes in those certain
situations after I had committed myself to a certain degree. I had moved on, she
opened the door to reconcilliation. It's not as if I hadn't given up before. I have to
commit myself to the same thought process that had previously been successful.
The same process that gets me out of all my jams, and there have been many.
No venture, no gain. I melt at the sound of her soft voice.

I honestly didn't, and don't want to believe she is a mean spirited person, just
emotionally impaired, and I was in over my head. Probably the best course for me
is to not believe anything at all, to take the inspiration she gave me and work with
that. If I had focused all the frustration she has caused me over the past 45 months
towards what I do best, I'd be sitting in a better place instead of here, But hey, my
new song sounds pretty good and will sound much better when I find a female to
sing it. Thanks for the inspiration from all of you that made "Collar Me" possible.
The I go again, letting my ducks wander, first I must publish my new children's book.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 137
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/18/2009 9:09:50 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't believe that any qualified therapist has told you, as you claim, that you have zero issues of your own and it is entirely the fault of your past partners. I do believe that is what you heard simply because you wanted to here it. That statement by itself, full of grandiosity and the inability to judge things properly is why mania and hypomania are bad things. You claim to be more creative, but you lack the ability to edit your work and improve it. As you stand now, you wish to be a songwriter but have to work in a law office because your songs are unsalable, rambling on. Control your mood disorder, gain self criticism and you'll have a chance at achieving your dreams.

Or stay where you are and keep blaming everyone else for everything while staying in the same rut. No strong relationship, not your ideal job, friends getting tired of dealing with your drama.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Alphascendant)
Profile   Post #: 138
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/18/2009 3:07:21 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		You both need some extremely deep therapy for oh so many problems I came across in your writings.

All I can say is I hope you both stay as far apart from each other as possible and you find a new therapist or get some kind of extra help because really..there are issues galore here.

Good luck.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 139
RE: Criminally Violent Sub - 8/20/2009 7:42:39 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't believe that any qualified therapist has told you, as you claim, that you have zero issues of your own and it is entirely the fault of your past partners.
I'm not even in the same room with him and can easily spot three and I'm pretty sure about number 4.

And now I'm about to say exactly what I've said to friends who have way too much drama.

You been going through this for almost 4 years. You've gotten the advice, even seen a therapist and you have not changed your behavior. If you're not going to do something about, quit complaining about it.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 140
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