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RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/6/2008 12:35:36 AM

DomDG

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Joined: 8/30/2007
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Well, for me I grew up an only child in a minister's home. I had no control of my life, very little privacy and I think it started as an escape. Now that said I remember asking my father to help me hogtie a Barbie at age 5 for my GI Joes to put on a log like I saw in the Tarzan movies. I remember tieing up my playmates when we played those childhood games.

I remember getting a 'reaction' when my music class watched The King and I during the whipping scene. I remember other kink style things that made me feel 'good'.

So I don't know what triggered it other than the church culture. But I am so glad I walked this road!

_____________________________

D
A sub with too much time on her hands should spend more on their knees.

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/10/2008 9:15:26 AM

MasterHypnotist

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From working with people, I would have to agree that being in BDSM is a personality choice, more than a response to abuse issue.

I have clients who have had horrible childhoods. Because of the horrible childhood, they are very aware of what they will not "do" or "have done" in their lives, now that they are adults.

A percentage of the whole population overtly identify their personality into their sexual interests. Why shouldn't we?

That said, as in the whole population, there are some "hurtin units" on each end of the leash that try to distract, absolve, or fulfill from past pains through their sexuality. Why is that any more or less proper than doing the same through work, hobbies, drugs or alcohol? Is being compulsive about work really any more healthy than being compulsive about pain?

(in reply to DavanKael)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/10/2008 6:27:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kolekorin

Hey Everyone,

I'm wondering why you are attracted to a d/s or polyamourous relationship. I decided to put this in health section because I consider this discussion to be along the lines of mental health.

Questions: Were you raped, molested, beaten, raised in the lifestyle or had otherwise weird things happen to them growing up? Or is it your culture or background?

Well, what an interesting question... in a word, yes, to all of the above except for being raised in the lifestyle. I look at it like the chicken and the egg question. Was I a freak before I was fucked with (basically at birth, considering abuse started not long after), or was being fucked with, what made me a freak? Who knows, who cares at this point? I am what I am and I have met, fallen in love with, married, and committed myself to someone who understands my needs, wants, and desires maybe more than I do.

Whatever the reason, I have always been what I am. Always had feelings and needs. Strangely, when with a woman, I tend to dominate, but when with a man, I have to be handled and controlled. If he cannot do that, than he holds little interest for me.

Solidly,
BLGirl

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/10/2008 6:43:36 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kolekorin

Hey Everyone,

I'm wondering why you are attracted to a d/s or polyamourous relationship. I decided to put this in health section because I consider this discussion to be along the lines of mental health.

Questions: Were you raped, molested, beaten, raised in the lifestyle or had otherwise weird things happen to them growing up? Or is it your culture or background?

I read "The Happy Hooker" when I was 14, sneaked off with my father's Hustlers and Playboys since I was 9. My grandfather collected nude statues. Also I was molested at 11, raped at 12 by boys. I learned to deal with my anger by artwork and writing. Along the way, I also learned that I am both S&M and my partner Alexis help to open my eyes and my heart to what I really am...

I also deal with Bipolar 1, the most severe form of maniac depressive disorder. One of the signs of this is the yearning for edgeplay in the sexual realm. I will endure pain, but I can also give it if requested. Sir is looking forward to showing me the ropes, so to speak, of sadism geared to diabetics since Alexis is one now. One of the things I refuse to do is if I am in one of my rages is to punish anyone. I know how my rages are like and tis not right to punish anyone due to my rages (I know I can leave them in a bloody pulp).

Some consider me a basket case. I am just me. I have a heart of a nuturer and the soul of a sadist.

Shahar

_____________________________

Subbies to 12 cats...

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/10/2008 7:58:19 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
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My ex-sub drove me to D/s in my dirt brown '74 Chevy Impala, may it rest in peace.

In all seriousness, I was born with a dominant personality. My mother tried to shame it out of me as something that was inappropriate for a young debutante. My peers tried to bully me into submission because I was too intimidating to them. My ex-in-laws did the same when I wouldn't submit to their attempts to rule my life.

None of it worked. I'm still dominant. D/s doesn't have anything to do with my past. It just gives me the freedom to be exactly who I was born to be.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to elegantalexis)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/10/2008 8:42:39 PM

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Non-idyllic childhood but nothing all that horrible.
I take full credit and ownership for who I am! :>
What drives me to such things...well, either a 3000GT or a Pathfinder depending on the day, the event, and what's running, lol! :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/29/2008 9:53:57 PM

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I also am comfortable in strictness and warmness, perhaps because of my strict and conservative upbringing.

That said, I also have ADD and am a sense junkie... even in my 10 year marriage, I could never find it in myself to be satisfied with just one person.

Yes, I lost my virginity to a rape. But I'm also an artist and highly creative. If anything, I believe it is my creativity and lust for life that makes me poke around at all the edges. :)

--katie

(in reply to DavanKael)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/29/2008 11:07:14 PM

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I did not experience any of the OP's traumatic experiences. I resent the clear implication that only someone who was damaged by such a trauma would be, act, or feel kinky!

Dominance and submission are innate in humans just as they are in other social animals. Physical sensation is experienced differently by every human. What I find a painful touch may be such a light contact that another will barely feel it. One of my subs is comfortable at room temperatures that most people (including all his partners) find cool to downright chilly; he uses his comfort as a signal to re-stoke the wood stove heater.

Nothing whatsoever drove me to kinky behavior. I made a conscious choice to widen the range of my sexual and personal relationships.

As for polyamory, I made that choice before I reached puberty, as a conscious decision reflecting my feeling that love is nothing to be selfish with.

Lady Delilah Deb

_____________________________

"All acts of love & pleasure are My rituals."
--from the Charge of the Goddess, a Wiccan teaching

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/30/2008 5:37:48 AM

T1981

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Joined: 12/6/2008
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I wish I was one of those people who could say that my abused childhood had nothing to do with my D/s. But I'm pretty sure it does. It's kind of embarresing, really, because just as people look at you funny in the vanilla world for enjoying sex after being abused (people always think the "right" response is to forever hate sex) I've run into BDSM'rs who suddenly turn around and tell me that I have NO buiseness in this scene because I was abused.

But that's not right, either.

The ultimate gift of healing from abuse, especially sexual, is to be able to overcome the fear, hatred, dread, and terror concerning abuse and learn to love yourself, your body, and it's reactions. I've been in therapy for most of my life and can honestly say that I have reached that point - and I'd be damned for someone to take that away from me. For me, to be able to experience the power play of sex in a safe, healthy, positive, and caring manner is so huge for me, and the BDSM experiences that I have had have actually HELPED me heal from those wounds.

More than being able to trust my husband, I can now trust MYSELF. For years, my sexuality was tightly controlled, utterly micromanaged. This had nothing to do with any dominance on my part, it was simply that I couldn't handle sex unless I was the one in complete and absolute control of who, what, when, where, and why. Over the years, now that I am learning trust and healing, for me to be able to let go of that control - for me to be able to trust what is happening and enjoy it with no guilt - is a huge, huge thing for me. It allows me to unlearn what I was taught, and it allows me to learn new and better things.

People like their abuse victims to be permanently broken, to be shy and scared, meek and quiet. I'm none of these things, and it's been a long hard road in beating back (no pun intended!) those things. It makes them more comfertable, they can pat you on the head and go "Awww, it's okay, sweetie" and then go about their day, never realizing that without learning how to have a healthy sex life, the victim will always be a victim. People, without even being conscience of it, often shame sexual abuse victims for later enjoying sex, thinking that only a bad person would ever enjoy anything remotely connected to a bad experience, never realizing that they are spitting into the face of all the work that person has done to arrive at that place where they can have healthy sex.

I will not let the actions of some sick and twisted individuals affect how I enjoy my body, and BDSM is a part of enjoying my body. People with normal childhoods rarely have to justify or apologize for their kinks (at least in similar company).

I fail to see why I should be any different.

< Message edited by T1981 -- 12/30/2008 5:52:09 AM >

(in reply to DelilahDeb)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/30/2008 6:56:03 AM

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Nothing 'drove me to it'. I have never been abused, nor does my culture incline me toward kink. Someone I was with offered me his submission and I found I liked it.

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/30/2008 7:26:37 AM

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I don't have a car or license so Sir drove me to D/s. Actually none of the things you mention in your OP fits me. My quest is what drove me to D/s and it is a spiritual quest. Goddess Pele told me to submit to Sir so I asked he said okay.

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/30/2008 9:30:54 AM

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~FR~

Nothing traumatic caused me to find D/s. I just got lucky

My first boyfriend was kinky and introduced me to it. LOL, I've been hooked ever since!

_____________________________

~brittany~

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/30/2008 1:07:06 PM

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From: Tamaris
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I would be inclined to say it is just me, I am kinky and that is that, I have as far as I remember always been so,but it was not until some four years ago that I found my once ex wife labelled sick interests had a name and I was not sick in the head, not only that, but I was not alone in my interests. A very good friend of four years, a person I met via this site has helped me understand myself in the world that has laid hidden from me for so long.

But, given this thread, there might be an instance of things going wrong at an early age which might have pointed me in this direction, if early traumas do in fact lead onto a kinky interest, something which I doubt, I just see kink as a more creative expression that can be shared.

My trauma was from a mother who kept away from me, leaving me to my father, to him going away and me being left with no one. Mother and sisters though we lived in the same house were distant to me. Puberty at nine and just get on with it, no one knew and I was not going to say about things I did not understand.

< Message edited by Aneirin -- 12/30/2008 1:09:33 PM >

(in reply to bdaile)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/30/2008 2:03:43 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kolekorin

Hey Everyone,

I'm wondering why you are attracted to a d/s or polyamourous relationship. I decided to put this in health section because I consider this discussion to be along the lines of mental health.

Questions: Were you raped, molested, beaten, raised in the lifestyle or had otherwise weird things happen to them growing up? Or is it your culture or background?

I had a wonderful childhood. I was loved, given lots of hugs and kisses, told how much I was loved. While we were poor as hell, it really was a very wonderful safe childhood. My parents were somewhat religious but not to an extreme that would warp a child.

I was molested, once, but I very quickly understood that it was all on him and had nothing at all to do with me, or anyone else that was either in my life or potentially going to be.

I've always been a quietly dominant personality. Never loud and bossy. Just quietly getting my way or refusing to follow along. I went through a large part of early adulthood trying to live according to societal rules. I never felt like I fit, but that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't a terribly happy woman.

Then, through knowing two amazing women, I blossomed. I felt like I "found myself". I like to be served. I like BDSM. I love that there are women that like to be on the receiving end.

As for poly........I acknowledge that I have that potential. However it's not something that I've given much thought to until recently.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 12/30/2008 4:15:12 PM

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I wasn't driven to D/s - i walked freely, of my own accord to it - and my Sir, and couldn't be happier.

very normal childhood, and young adulthood. The weirdest thing i did was move to America!

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 1/3/2009 10:15:56 PM

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Do either one of you know where I could get the Zap comic bound?

(in reply to Emperor1956)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 1/4/2009 1:46:26 AM

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I met my husband,my MasterDaddy at the age of 15 and he was much older.I moved in with him the day I met him and married him 2 months later.I was with him till he passed away.Nothing tragic here...I have always lead a very happy,comfortable life.

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 1/5/2009 6:57:30 PM

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I concur with a lot of posters here, I had an ideal childhood. I went to private schools, one of them christian, and was never abused in any way. D/s is exactly what I want. One man to love and cherish forever and ever. The level of trust is such that I feel entirely safe. And I would never simply be satisfied with normal vanilla sex. I need to to hurt so so good to really enjoy it.

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 1/11/2009 8:57:37 PM

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I was never raped, molested, etc..I have always had submissive tendencies and was always very sexual, not that a D/s relationship is all about sex..but with that being said, It was in me and till I discovered the lifestyle wasnt quite sure what to do with myself, it was something I was missing and couldnt find it, till I met my mentor a true friend, lol he didnt know he was going to be my mentor and I didnt know he was going to be...but one night we went into a wonderful conversation and everything became so clear!

~ladyacquiesce~

(in reply to kolekorin)

RE: What Drove You to D/S - 1/12/2009 12:20:33 AM

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Short answer to the OP:Yes to alllll of the above...plus I was a middle adopted child raised in the South....
However....

quote:

ORIGINAL: JewAndCelt

Hmmm...

I think I'll go out on a limb and quote a bit of Thomas Harris (Silence of the Lambs), when Dr. Lecter states,

"I happened. You cannot reduce me to a set of influences."

Wow...my thoughts exactly..

(in reply to JewAndCelt)

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