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Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible wit... - 8/18/2008 1:16:55 PM

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Do you give submissives a second chance if they have lied to you - not about their marital status or anything like that, but fibs about their desires? In other words, they say they are really into x, because they know you are into x, and you find out later they aren't interested in x at all but really are interested in y. Or, they say they have a hobby that you have, when they don't -- or, they say they have experience in something and are comfortable with it, and then you find out they don't have any experience?

The common theme - what might be considered 'white lies' but they tell them because they think it will help them have a chance with you. Do you dismiss them as soon as you find out they have misrepresented even the smallest detail?

Akasha

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RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 1:21:54 PM

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White lies... any kind of lie = NOT INTERESTED! I don't take kindly to manipulation...

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 1:25:58 PM

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From: Phx AZ
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Nope i do not ,decete is just that , if they lie about a little thing they will lie about the biggies too .But are you sure what they did was a lie or just not knowing what it is they wanted ?or is it a pure impressive move to try and get into your graces ?I have known people that say they want this or that yet never done it and then second thought it .

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 1:28:50 PM

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Anyone who has lied to me about their kink interest or failed to mention or acted as if they had less or more... always turned out to be someone who had a few things to hide and lie about and they were very manipulative.

Edited to add... communication is key... if they cannot honestly present themselves and communicate... why would I bother? Trust is already broken and pattern of communcaiton or lack thereof has been established.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 8/18/2008 1:30:04 PM >

(in reply to azropedntied)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 1:39:43 PM

Posts: 5279
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From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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Deception and omission are antithetical to submission, as complete honesty is key to vulnerability and trust-building. So, if someone is misrepresenting themself; they are not being submissive. Period.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 1:46:17 PM

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Joined: 7/28/2008
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Everybody lies.

*DO YOU LIKE THIS BIG DEVASTATING STRAPON INSIDE YOURSELF, slave?!!*
*Yes MISTRESS i do!!*

But there are things that must be told as they are, or everything would turn into a farce.

(in reply to darchChylde)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 1:51:46 PM

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Lie about a missed appointment with a doctor or something, but don't lie to me about something between us. Big difference!

(in reply to sillyslaveboy)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 1:54:51 PM

BKSir

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From: Salt Lake City, UT
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A little white lie... I MAY give a second chance, if they've been exemplary up to that point. But, I make it very clear, right off the bat, there are three things that are absolute and pure law. A: No drugs. Period. B: IF you're going to seek outside sources for certain physical needs, use protection. Period. C: Honesty above all else. If I ever catch you lying, you can expect to be packing your bags and walking out the door that day. I don't care to where. Especially if you lie to me about A or B.

If I've just simply not been told something, that I should have been, I will bring it up in a conversation in a roundabout way, and see what happens. I've done this twice, and each time, my pet has, without fail said "OH! That reminds me, I meant to tell you about xxxxxxxxx." I realize my pet can be a bit absent minded, and give a bit of leniency for that.

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(in reply to sillyslaveboy)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 1:56:26 PM

Posts: 5279
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From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sillyslaveboy

Everybody lies.

*DO YOU LIKE THIS BIG DEVASTATING STRAPON INSIDE YOURSELF, slave?!!*
*Yes MISTRESS i do!!*

But there are things that must be told as they are, or everything would turn into a farce.

There's a difference between playing a part in a scene (often prearranged) and lying. The first is actually acting. Would you call a submissive begging, under orders, for something they hate to be lying? Not I, I believe a lie is not a lie when both know the truth and know that the other does as well; that's called role-play.

I personally will tell Ma'am if i don't like something She does to me, or uses on me. It will doubtlessly have no effect beyond perhaps making Her enjoy it more.

Edited to Add: The assertion that everybody lies may be true, i know i am not completely honest about everything with everyone; though i am more likely to tell someone something is not someone's business before lying about it. But, lying has no place in a D/s or romantic relationship; you might perhaps hold things back that may hurt the other person (and i don't mean things that you've done wrong), but even those things should be told honestly if confronted about.

This isn't to say that I'm the perfect submissive, as what is probably my biggest issue could easily and honestly be called a form of dishonesty; I have the tendency of not telling Ma'am when something is botrhering me until it's too late or I'm over it. This is breaking the two top house rules and something that Ma'am is being more than patient about (though I doubt I'll have another chance in that area, and that's how I've chosen to look at the problem) and helping me work through.

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 8/18/2008 2:07:03 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to sillyslaveboy)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:11:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

Deception and omission are antithetical to submission, as complete honesty is key to vulnerability and trust-building. So, if someone is misrepresenting themself; they are not being submissive. Period.

Agreed....I will go further and say people who lie in this way are manipulative.

(in reply to darchChylde)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:11:55 PM

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Do you give submissives a second chance if they have lied to you - not about their marital status or anything like that, but fibs about their desires? In other words, they say they are really into x, because they know you are into x, and you find out later they aren't interested in x at all but really are interested in y. Or, they say they have a hobby that you have, when they don't -- or, they say they have experience in something and are comfortable with it, and then you find out they don't have any experience?

The common theme - what might be considered 'white lies' but they tell them because they think it will help them have a chance with you. Do you dismiss them as soon as you find out they have misrepresented even the smallest detail?

Akasha

I can't imagine anyone doing that. By the way, have I told you about my new hockey hobby?

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:18:07 PM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I hate liars. My psychotic compulsive liar of a former slave kind of oversensitized me to that kind of thing.... so no. Just tell me that you hate X, or that you really love Nascar. I can get over your loving Nascar, as long as you understand that we will not be sharing that particular love.

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RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:27:47 PM

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

umm not everybody lies , and NO i do not like that strap on take that walking stick somewhere else please .. but your right about turning things into a farce what kinda foundation is that , very weak at best .

quote:

ORIGINAL: sillyslaveboy

Everybody lies.

*DO YOU LIKE THIS BIG DEVASTATING STRAPON INSIDE YOURSELF, slave?!!*
*Yes MISTRESS i do!!*

But there are things that must be told as they are, or everything would turn into a farce.

(in reply to sillyslaveboy)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:31:31 PM

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

LadyHibiscus,

quote:

I hate liars. My psychotic compulsive liar of a former slave kind of oversensitized me to that kind of thing.... so no. Just tell me that you hate X, or that you really love Nascar. I can get over your loving Nascar, as long as you understand that we will not be sharing that particular love.

What if I offer my sweet, sexy, lily-white, begging to be marked ass, smile side up, over the hood of a Nascar? Compromise is such a wonderful thing. :-)

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 8/18/2008 2:45:16 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:38:30 PM

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Joined: 7/19/2008
Status: offline

Lying is a deal breaker. Consider it my personal hard limit.

I'd rather have the slave (doesn't look in sillyslaveboy's direction at all) whimper out that he hates something but know he's enduring it for my pleasure. THAT is hot.

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(in reply to ElanSubdued)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:43:27 PM

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

littlesarbonn,

quote:

littlesarbonn to AAkasha:
I can't imagine anyone doing that. By the way, have I told you about my new hockey hobby?

I don't find this manipulative at all. There's a big difference between manipulation and observing, being attentive, and showing interest in someone's interests. :-)

Elan.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:48:40 PM

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Joined: 1/12/2008
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~~FR~~

There have been a total of 3 times (3 different people) that I gave a second chance to someone after discovering a lie..... regretted it each time. Won't do it again.

And a blantant omission is just as wrong as a lie, in my opinion. For example... I had a "slave" contact me, we chatted quite a bit for a good length of time. He had made travel plans and many other plans were in the works. One problem.... he was actively seeking a "slave" for his Dom profile too. Failed to tell me that he had MPD or whatever. No more chances. I'm over it.

If you lie to me, it's a deal breaker. Don't tell me that you are a Pagan when you know nothing about it.... Don't tell me that you love hard spankings when you really despise them..... Don't tell me that you could care less about strapon play but in reality, that is what you crave. Be up front and honest with your desires, your experiences, and all other things about your life and you are more likely to make the connection that you are truly seeking.

(in reply to DominaYork)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 2:55:34 PM

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Status: offline

Akasha,

Lying, in any form, is generally a huge turn-off for me. However, I've had a few people tell me some hum-dinger lies that I later found out the truth about. Did I forgive them? In some cases yes and in others no. For me, it depends on the reasoning behind the lie, the effect the lie had on me, my investment in the person who lied to me, and the person's mental state when they told the lie. In the context of play activities, I'd certainly raise an eye if someone lied to me about these in a manipulative way. I can't one hundred percent say this would cause me to abandon such a person as a potential partner, but it would certainly set off a large warning flag. I'm a big fan of communication so provided I thought the person simply felt pressured to like what I did, on the first offense, I'd probably just say "please don't lie to me... I'd rather hear the truth about the BDSM activities you like, even if this isn't in sync with my own preferences". If, after I communicated this, a second offense occurred, it's not likely they'd get a chance to make a third offense.

Elan.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 3:36:26 PM

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Joined: 7/28/2008
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LOL, don't make a big deal of that example i gave. It is a rocky one. :)

*add*
Maybe i lie to myself (and to the future Partner) i'm but a gal inside. But if it lasts a lifetime, what does it matter. Just hypothetical question to be abstracted by Y/you, i don't actually question myself here.

< Message edited by sillyslaveboy -- 8/18/2008 3:40:09 PM >

(in reply to darchChylde)

RE: Submissives who lie to impress you or be compatible... - 8/18/2008 3:59:39 PM

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Joined: 5/14/2007
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<QR>

I know what it feels to be lied to, it stinks. I also know what it feels like to have something you want to hide, until you know its safe to say it. Most of us have aspects we hide due to far of embarrassment or loss. I don't consider it a deal breaker if someone omits facts that do not matter at current. (Omitting facts that do matter, like having a spouse, STD, etc. is a big deal).

When I met My Pet, if she explained her complete demographics (Age? Marital status? UM? Income?) to me, I admit... I probably would have kept her as just a friend. Her candor would have been a deal breaker. I have to admit, I'm happy she let me get to know her first. At the same time, I wish she didn't hide these things.... But those are contradicting views.

She is the best Pet I could ever hope to own, and it all started with a series of omissions.

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... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to sillyslaveboy)

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