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AAkasha -> RE: Is being a sub a subtle art? (10/22/2008 8:58:07 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
Shakti:
No. As with other posts I've seen you make, I know full well you have no fantasies about unconsenting partners, nor subs who have conflicts about being submissive. Maybe some Dommes who are 'new to living as Dommes' get a buzz out of it, but I could see it draining the hell out of them eventually. In fact, I could imagine it being downright embittering and disheartening.
The difference between someone who gets true joy from pleasing me and someone who has to force himself is just night and day--and I'm not interested in the guy who has to force himself. Life is just too short. If you want to be miserable, get a dayjob, not a domme.
. . . All that is how come I ended up here on this website in the first place. If you need to be a sub, get on with it, because life's too short.
There is so much real estate in between a submissive who is DYING to do all kinds of acts (and even specific acts, if you want totally inflexible) and a man who wants nothing to do with any of those acts and does them because the woman he is with finds them hot. In addition, a man who feels "conflicted" about those acts (not just love/hate, but love/SELF HATRED and loathing and disgust - total ambivalence, "I am a freak" attitude) is different from a man who finds things challenging, difficult, scary, uncomfortable, or that they make him *vulnerable* but he's still willing to do them.
So you don't have to look at a man who is way on the other end of the scale and hates S&M, hates submitting, hates being tied up, but loves his woman so he "tolerates" them in a "yes, dear," manner or she has to manipulate him into doing it. As a woman who has experience dominating lots of non kinky men, let me assure that the reality is that most men find sexual (or sexually-laced) games of this kind to be *interesting* at the least, scary for sure, but anything that makes their woman *hot* is considered a plus. A woman that likes to tie a guy up in bed? Hot damn, they line up! Of course, when they find out it doesn't mean getting blindfolded and blow jobs, they realize there's some work involved when you are dealing with a bit of a sadist, but most men have a very, very strong drive to perform, to please, and to be brave for their lady. If they approach it that way, most come away from the experience with a sense of excitement and pride about it, and find the power exchange, overall, to be a positive thing. They just don't have the emotional energy to do it ALL the time, and they have more limits out of the gate; the strap-on ain't coming out on the second date. But there are options. I generally am only attracted to outgoing and ambitious men, but in my experience, I haven't found many men who are not very happy to be dating a woman who is "sexually kinky."
This could also be true for me because before I knew much about what S&M was, or that "submissive" men existed, my goal was to learn how to get men to do this without freaking them out and without making them think I was crazy; so integrated into my style is a very caring, cautious approach for the bdsm-ignorant, a lot of encouragement, and a lot of patience. For me, it's not about the intensity of the acts, it's about the authenticity of "authentic vulnerability" - if a man being restrained and blindfolded gets him to that place, I'm all game. Sure, I like to go a lot further with that, but I have time. There's no rush. Pushing that envelope a little at a time is a wonderful, patient game and a great learning experience and builder of intimacy.
The drawbacks of a longterm relationship of this kind with a totally non kinky person do outweigh the benefits, however. But, the point of this message is that there's a LOT of "types" of men who have varying levels of interest in S&M or power exchange, and one "breed" of them is wired such that they don't necessarily enjoy acts x,y and z - they enjoy enduring acts x, y and z for a woman that wants so bad to do those acts TO HIM. That connection and chemistry is what makes it hot for him. And those acts - they do make him feel some level of aroused and vulnerable at the same time - and he knows that a kinky woman, a sadist, thrives on that side of him - so in the process of submitting, he makes sure he does not hide that. After all, she loves his reactions. T
This is much different from the submissive that just wants acts x, y and z done to him and he's waiting to find a woman - any woman - to say yes. Again, that's an extreme, but there are many more shades of that type closer to that end of the scale.
Akasha
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