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RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 12:28:54 PM

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From: Austin Texas
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Just because it isn't physical abuse doesn't mean its not a problem. Obviously it is something that genuinely bothers her and she is looking for a solution.

Why must it be something drastic to be a problem?

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 12:31:13 PM

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Gotta agree with Steel on this.

It comes down to Flexibility, Courtesy, and Freedom.

I have been in a relationship like this - I say something and it is like my partner carved what I said on a stone tablet that floats above my head every time she looked at me. This can be a real problem in a relationship as there is no flexibility and it makes communication shut down as I was always loathe to say -anything- for fear of being held rigidly to it. She perceived that I became evasive and it was not a pretty sight.

So my advice is my opinion only, but I think things might get better if:

You gave him the flexibility to be changeable in his life and his plans and not demand timetables and his -word- over small details.

He gave you the courtesy of a contact if and when his plans that he has shared with you change to a point where they might impact you. You also should probably not be expected to sit around waiting for him if he experiences changes in his plans.

He gave you the freedom of contacting him via phone, etc. if and when you were uncertain of his plans and you felt not know was impacting you.

My 2c...

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 12:38:02 PM

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From: Georgia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: yellowtail

a few points....when i said that what He did may not be a big deal to others i really meant that....He has NOT abused me physically..nor has He cheated on me...in the end the issue is a matter of not doing something that He said He would.

i have a lot of issues from things that have happened to me in my life that prevent me from trusting very easily...this issue manifests itself in my need for Him to do as He promises. no matter how big or small the actual thing is that He says He will do, i absolutly need Him to carry through on it. if He doesn't, i can't let it go. He knows this about me...and is very careful about what He says He will do because He doesn't want to hurt me. The incident in particular that started all of this was He told me He would be home at a certain time....mind you He picked the time, not me.......He did not come home at that time....He came home late....

right before He left i said, "this isn't going to be a situation where you lose track of time, end up seeing someone...have a conversation...then call me later and say, gee I'm sorry...I'm on my way now..." ..and He said no, that He would only stay for X amount of time, and he would be home at exactly X time and i should be ready for Him when He got home.

well what happend? exactly as i predicted....He ran into someone as He was leaving...and bam..there goes the time....

this is not a matter of Him intentionally hurting me...this is a matter of Him being completly scatter brained and not thinking.

i just don't know how to open up to Him again...i feel so closed off right now.

and also as a side note i have communicated explicitly how this has made me feel, He has told me how this has made Him feel. i don't think this is a matter of crossed lines...we both are on the same page....but i don't know how to give negative or positive reinforcement towards getting Him to change this behavior, and keeping true to our roles.

O.M.F.G.!!! This is NOT a matter of him being completely scatterbrained and not thinking. This is a situation in which he was being a normal person who is not accustomed to walking on egg shells. There is NO way to get him to change his behavior and keep true to your roles. I totally agree with Steel.

You can't judge his actions by the actions of others. It's not fair to him when he, in fact, hasn't done anything wrong. Your issues and feelings are yours to deal with. They shouldn't be his problem. You need to work on changing yourself, with professional help if necessary, instead of trying to change him since you're the one with the trust issues. This advice, by the way, is coming from someone with her own trust issues, so although I may come off as a bit harsh, it's from personal experience. Don't mess up another relationship by expecting the impossible from someone and then blaming him when he can't live up to your unrealistic expectations. He may seem like Superman to you, but he's really just Clark Kent.

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When you're going down on me
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(in reply to yellowtail)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 12:51:56 PM

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Steel, it's very simple, somebody promises something and breaks that promise and it becomes an issue of trust, it has nothing to do with D/s, but it has everything to do with how you interact in a relationship.

I had the same issue once, my way of dealing with it was simply to disappear for a few days and I "forgot" to tell him about it. He got the message. I am extremely easy going when it comes to keeping time and all that, if he says "Not a clue" or "Will be back roughly at..." I'm fine with it, if there is a time fixed and I possibly have made food or there were plans, I get testy because it is inconsiderate, impolite and disrespectful.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 12:52:02 PM

agirl

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So basically you're feeling insignificant when he puts other things/people before scooting home to some dead-line that you're insisting on because of 'past trust issues'?

If he's so distracted when he goes out, why do you allow him out at all?.....lol

Seriously though......It's pretty time-consuming to be continously monitoring what you're doing because someone is waiting in the wings with a massive pout.

You say he tries not to hurt you.....but frankly, bumping into someone and being late, in itself, isn't him trying to 'hurt'you. It's just a circumstance. You can't have it both ways...... either he's being a thoughtless git and doesn't care whether you're sat home fuming or hurt..OR , he's actually rather careful not to tread on your sensibilities and events get in the way occasionally. Just as they do for everyone.

agirl

ooops... grammar policed myself.

< Message edited by agirl -- 11/13/2008 12:55:00 PM >

(in reply to yellowtail)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 12:57:12 PM

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From: St George Utah
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Forgive my harsher than intended sounding words.

Truth be told I dealt with this before. Which is why it triggered me so. Still holding a little animosity apparently.

As an Adult in the Adult world I hate to feel as thought I have to spend my life having to walk on egg shells for the unrealistic expectations of another.

Yellowtail, I have so many questions because I really don't want to jump your shit without knowing the whole situation. I think first it would be good to know why you weren't with him in the first place? also why you would be upset with your Husband for catching up with someone or even spending time with friends?

I am curious as to why you would hold these issues that you are "AWARE" of over your husbands head and expect him to do anything to accomodate your own insecurities that you yourself said were not caused by him.

Andi did this to me once and it almost ended our entire relationship. I will not stand to be accused of being a Cheater or a Liar and this one time she got it in her head that because every other man she was with left her for another woman that they were cheating on her with that eventually I was going to cheat on her too. It was the secnd worst fight I have had with a woman in my entire life all because I had to live in the shadows of her ex's while she remained the victim rather than accepting that I am not them and that until I give her a reason to mistrust me does she have a reason to mistrust me.

yellowtail I suggest you seriously look into group therapy for your insecurities, it all else fails go to an AA meeting and ever time the word alcohol is used exchange it for insecurities and fear.

the Past is in the Past let it stay there or I just cannot see a future for you with this man.

Thems My 2 Cents and well I broke my own warning to stay away. So I guess I will take all the criticism I get on this in stride.

Steel

**Who really needs to take his own advice when he says to stay away from something**

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(in reply to OttersSwim)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 12:58:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yellowtail

i have a lot of issues from things that have happened to me in my life that prevent me from trusting very easily...this issue manifests itself in my need for Him to do as He promises. no matter how big or small the actual thing is that He says He will do, i absolutly need Him to carry through on it. if He doesn't, i can't let it go.
I will tell you again: If you continue to distrust him because of your own issues, this relationship will fail, because, YOU CANNOT HOLD THE SINS OF THE PAST in regards to another AGAINST HIM. Why because they are your issues and you are making them his. How fair is that??

this is not a matter of Him intentionally hurting me...this is a matter of Him being completly scatter brained and not thinking.
If you cannot accept these characteristic of his nature, he being a man, and you have other characters like trying to change him, how can you possibly believe this relationship will last?Accepting another for who they are is fundamental.Stop trying to fix him but work on how you can accept this graciously. My Sir forgets to call me back if he gets another call he must take. At first I was put off. But I realized he focuses on what he is doing and forgets. I accept this or I do what you do. Sorry, but I don't want to live in a prison I myself build.
i just don't know how to open up to Him again...i feel so closed off right now.

This is not his problem. Your have barricaded yourself with a wall and a suit of amour and you will not take it off and knock down the wall. and also as a side note i have communicated explicitly how this has made me feel, He has told me how this has made Him feel.

If this whole scenerio were switched around, how would you feel? What would you do? Could you live with him trying to fix you? Or might you ask for a compromise..... calling each other (assuming there is a cell phone). I agree with Steel

(in reply to yellowtail)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 1:00:20 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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yellowtail,

You asked the question of how to 'trust again'... I would put out there that you aren't really 'trusting' in the first place. Trust isn't a logical thing -- it can be -reinforced- by appropriate behavior and over time, but trust also requires a bit of the irrational... a capacity to believe in someone because one feels that xhe is worth trusting, and out of acknowledgement of that person's -desire- to do the right thing by us, understanding that sometimes the world (or a person's own nature) interferes with perfect presentation.

There is no wiggle-room in your expectations, even though life is full of situations that require wiggle-room. How late is late? I mean, you're not specific, but if he said he was going to be home at 5, and showed up at 5:07, would that torque your chain? What if there was an accident between where he was and home -- or he hit a rabbit on the road -- or had a sneezing fit and had to pull over until it ended. What if, when he left, his clock said 1:30 and your clock said 1:20? I know that some of these examples seem extreme or just weird, but the reason that I picked them is because these kinds of obscure things happen all the time... stuff happens... life happens. None of us has control of every minute of every day, even those of us who are anal retentive about controlling every aspect of our lives.

I'm a clock-watcher and time-fetishist. I can't stand when people are late, and my -preference- is that people be five minutes -early-... which, to me, is "on time". If they're on time, I'm already getting edgy. If they're 5 minutes late, I'm annoyed. HOWEVER, for the people that I care about, I trust them, and I cut them slack -- if they're 5 minutes late, I don't automatically think "xhe doesn't love me... xhe -knows- I'm anal about time and xhe didn't show up so now I just can't forgive hir." Sure, I may grumble a bit -- especially if its' 30 minutes instead of 5, and xhe didn't call... but if it's someone I love, forgiving hir for life happening is -realistic-, not some huge test of trust.

One thing I'd suggest for you is to sit down with a neutral 3rd party and figure out how to let go of all that stuff that you're accumulating that is dragging your current relationship down. Holding on to old hurts is like picking at old scabs -- it scars, and then scars on top of the scars, and you never really heal... which makes any new relationships stuck in those old scars, instead of existing on their own terms. Find yourself a marriage/relationship counselor, and start working on healing your old wounds and really -letting- them heal, and give your hubby the benefit of the doubt. If you love him, and he is -clearly- trying to do his best for you, embrace that. A couple of risks that could be part and parcel of continuing along the way you are is that your husband will realize that he can -never- meet your unrealistic standards, and will find himself either miserable and unwilling to keep trying, or walking away in order to retain a sense of his own self-respect. You don't want that, so it's time to start trusting... for the first time.

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(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 1:30:38 PM

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I agree with Steel - your issue isn't with your hubby being late - your issue is with him being late because he is cheating on you - and that isn't fair to him. You can't fix him on that one, because it isn't his thing - its yours, and you need to fix you !
Consider therapy - i am a firm proponent of such, and it can straighten things out in your mind so you don't mess up your current relationship with your past ones. Most men don't want to sleep with their wives and their ex-relationships - they just want the wife!!!!!

Since you love him and he loves you, to me this is a no-brainer - go forth and fix thyself girlfriend!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 1:50:01 PM

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From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

HOWEVER....ahem....however, once we are let know about a situation that bothers our esteemed partners, most of us boys can put the brain cells together to remember such things as moving seats...most of the time...

I think that men should be held to the same level of personal responsibility post that first incident of apparent thoughtlessness. My 2c...

Well, that's what I thought. Perhaps the counselor thought we had bigger fish to fry. But notice I also said "ex". LOL.

Cali

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(in reply to OttersSwim)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 2:06:55 PM

mbes

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I have a huge thing about time and worry. If someone is an hour late, I'm quite sure they are dead on the side of the road. An hour and a half, and I'm wondering why the cops haven't shown up at the door yet. I don't know why, there's nothing in my past to make this a reasonable reaction except that my mother was a worrier too and I seem to have inherited the gene.
The sad part is, I'm late everywhere I go! :D
It caused some problems in the past because obviously, that isn't a realistic thing for someone else to have to deal with, but it was there nonetheless.
What I've learned to do is say "When do I start worrying?" Then he gives me the latest possible time he could be home, (and calls if he's going to be much later). I quit watching the clock because I know he accepts this bit of irrationality about me. Just knowing he accepts, understands, and is willing to work with me makes a world of difference.
That said, I think yours did a disservice to you by telling you to be ready when he got home. That set your mind up to watch the clock, and made it much harder to just let it go. Or that's how it would have worked for me.

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 2:09:58 PM

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Hm. The fact that he's continually late isn't your problem, my dear, it's HIS. And the fact that he promised not to be late and broke that promise is also his problem, not yours. It's not just you that needs fixing.

For this to be an issue that has damaged your trust in him, I believe there may be larger issue icebergs hiding under the surface here. Ask yourself what is it about his being late that bothers you? Is it that he might be doing something (like cheating on you) that he's not supposed to be doing? Does he ruin plans or dinner? Or is it that he's being an inconsiderate dope?

When you have the answer to that question, ask yourself if that behavior is really the one that bothers you, or is it only a manifestation of some deeper issue? Are there, for instance, other ways in which he is consistently inconsiderate? How does that make you feel?

Do you have access to a counselor who can help you work through this and pinpoint exactly what it is that bothers you?

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 2:14:14 PM

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Well, I'm gonna climb out on a limb and disagree with just about everybody since we found out what the problem was.

I see it as the BIGGEST problem is that he made a promise and did not keep it (and apparently has done so over and over). The contents of that promise are irrelevant at this point (but I'll get to that point in a minute). This can be passive-aggressive; it can also be merely thoughtless (like the steering wheel thing). Why is he making promises that he is not doing everything in his power to keep?? You make a promise, you know it's important, you keep it. End of story.

The second point, that one I said I would get to, is what everyone else said. You need to come up with something that you can both live with. Whether that is a window of time (for instance, "I'll be home around 7:30"... which means as late as 8:00 is okay), or that he contacts you as soon as the timeframe goes haywire (calls on cell phone), or whatever it is.

My ex (yeah, him again), was chronically late to everything. I did tons of reading on the subject, trying to figure out why he was always late (and often making both of us late), trying to figure out a way to fix it. For the majority of chronically late people, it's a failure to plan (for my ex, it was a control issue). In your instance, he failed to make a plan on what to do if he ran into someone he wanted to talk to. He should have planned on (and followed thru with) calling you to let you know what was going on.

Cali

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(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 2:40:06 PM

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wow...i came back to see if anyone had written any responses and i have to say i am completely floored by what certain p/People projected into what i said....in no way am i concerned that He is cheating on me....this is not about being flexible in regards to His punctuality...this is a problem i have with Him committing to do something for me, and then blowing me off....i'm sorry if that is not something a lot of y/You think is important...but it is important to me.

with that aside i do thank y/You for all of the input...we sat down and talked after work and came up with a plan that hopefully will make this a non issue in the future...and i feel way better about it. He recognized that He made a bad choice, and that it had a negative effect on me, and in the future He will be much clearer about his commitments to me, and much more careful about promising me things He can't do. i really feel better about this, and i don't think i would have been in a place to talk this out with Him without reading y/Your posts.

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 2:43:14 PM

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I work with a lot of doctors who are constantly half an hour late for surgery - never half an hour early, so the random factor isn't there. For them, its a power thing. They don't want to be on time, no-one can make them ontime, and gosh darn - they have the power not to be on time!

maybe there is an element of control in being late! If he doesn't want to be controlled by you, being late is one way of showing it.
the distress it causes is irrelevent to him because the power is in being late. Just a thought.

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 7:04:37 PM

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I agree with Lady Constanze and with CalifChick, (which is pretty usual), and am very impressed with Kiwi's post, (which is very interesting!)

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 7:15:38 PM

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So basically, you are allowing yourself to get all worked up and effect your relationship because the Man got distracted and didn't come home on time and what's more you knew it would probably happen because of how he is normally. Seems to me like you are finding reasons to have issues and to allow things to bother you. This may not be what you want to hear but you need to stop testing him and stop looking for things to hurt your trust with him. If you know how he is, perhaps its time you quit trying to set him up to fail because you expect him to hurt you. Sometimes, there is no rhyme or reason, but you have to take the leap of faith and allow people to be who they are instead of trying to make them into what you believe you need because of what others have done to you.

Its not easy to do, but from what you wrote here, your trust doesn't seem ultimately harmed by what he did, but it seems you are using your past as an excuse to allow what he has done to effect your trust. Perhaps you need to really look at the situation and perhaps decide if you are intentionally setting this man and your relationship up to fail, you can't change the Man, and your trust in him should be based on WHO HE IS, not a figment of perfection because of past deeds by others you have created iin your mind.

If you look hard enough for flaws, you will find them.

angel

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 7:49:35 PM

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So...wait...a bunch of strangers on the Internet were able to help? Is this like a first?

Yellowtail: Regardless of what "firsts" we may have accomplished here, I am glad you were able to make progress with your hubby on this issue. Sometimes it takes reading all these replies - even the ones that make you go "No no no...that's not it at all!" that make you realize what it actually in fact is. And so it helped and that is good and we (if I may be so bold as to speak for the responders here?) are glad for you.

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 8:04:33 PM

Aylee

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Just a thought. . .

Can he set the alarm on his cell phone, so that he is reminded when he has promised to leave?

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/13/2008 8:07:53 PM

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The point is yellow...50 people will write paragraphs upon books to tell you to leave a man because they focus on a few key words like : did not undersand me or please help me or others that will just jump into anything just to get a head count for what they call here 'hijacking' attention.

What you are in currently as I see it is a simple stagnant pond. Even the frogs are bored. Maybe bring in a few new lily pads (get some new fuck furniture), cook some funky french food (frog legs).

Sometimes you have to ignore the drama, past and heartache and take care of what is in the here and NOW.

French froggy tongue kiss 'till you both have da wobbly legs.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

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