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RE: disappointed.... - 11/16/2008 2:36:11 AM

NuevaVida

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It is my opinion that you can not expect people to be who they are not. In the OP's situation, her master is habitually late. So why hold him to being prompt when you know he is not? If he says he'll be home at 6:00, be ready at 6:00 but plan on him really being there around 6:30, or however late he usually is. Being somewhat of a literalist, when my former owner would tell me to be prepared for him at a certain time, I would be, since I wished to be obedient. And I felt good about obeying that order, yet I knew he wouldn't really be there at the time he claimed. But it didn't bother me because I already had the expectation that he would be late. In fact, shifting my expectation to one where he would be late caused me to be right in my expectation, so there were no hard feelings.

I wrote in another thread about the source of anger coming from unmet expectations, and placing unrealistic expectations on someone to be something they are not. In the case of the OP, it would be my goal to obey and please. If he said have dinner ready at 6 I would have dinner ready at 6. If he came home at 7 to a cold dinner, I did as told and he would have a cold dinner. If he didn't want a cold dinner, he would let me know what time he would really be home so I could adjust. Otherwise, all I can say is do as told, know he'll be late, welcome him home with a chuckle in the back of your mind, knowing you predicted correctly. If you want to make a game of it, try guessing how late he'll be and then treat yourself to something fun if you're right - an ice cream, a pedicure, or whatever other pampering privileges you're allowed. But it is my advice to be realistic and stop fighting against the tide. Otherwise, what do you have, but two frustrated people at the end of the day - you, because your expectations of him were not met, and him, because he once again failed you and and came home to an upset mate. Work with the tide instead of trying to change it, and you'll be a whole lot happier. And chuck the whole idea of having him confirm a specific time. Instead, he can give you a window of when he thinks he will be home. It's as good a start as any, as I see it.

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/16/2008 8:53:16 PM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

This is an issue I have run into on both sides. When I say I will be someplace at a certain time, I mean ABOUT a certain time. Of course if being there at a certain time MATTERS (to me of course) like watching a movie, then you need to be there early. However, if you are coming home from work the actualy timing often DOESN'T matter (again, to ME)

However, some people hear that as "if I mention casually I will be somewhere at 6pm" they don't hear the casual, they hear "I will show you I am important by being here at 5:59" which isn't what I said.

Clearly there is a problem, what is more important, assigning blame or working together to find a way to work better together?

That statement I underlined wasn't clear to me. Knowing you as I do, I think you mean "I will show you that you are important to me by being here at 5:59" but I could be wrong..

Yes, you do know me well and that is exactly what I meant.

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/16/2008 9:59:44 PM

gypsygrl

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Early on, right after I moved in with Sir, he would come home earlier than he said he would and it would upset me. What upset me was, in part, a matter of him not doing what he said he was gonna do which, because of the newness of our live-in arrangement combined with the hasty way we arranged it, made me feel like things were very unpredictable. I was insecure and for good reason though not because of anything he did. I was insecure about the situation rather than about him. Also, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and needed space I could count on as being my own. I often got that when he was out of the house so him coming home early was a real problem. We've worked through this issue: he calls if he's not going to be on time, either early or late. Also, we talk in terms of approximates and I don't watch the clock. I make sure I'm ready an hour before he gets home so I can forget what time it is.

I'm big on people doing what they say they're going to do. Its just a thing for me, though, as I've gotten older I've tried to loosen up and not hold people accountable for their every word. It sucks to live in a world where our integrity hangs on a such a thin thread and seems kind of abusive to be calling people to task for every little thing that doesn't measure up. Ya know, don't sweat the small stuff and all that.

Perhaps the antidote to your trust issue is forgivness. Or, human understanding.

< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 11/16/2008 10:02:26 PM >

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/16/2008 10:54:32 PM

babygirlkitten

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I have had this problem in my relationships, and it has been a deal breaker. However, I have never been married, so there's that.
However, I feel that if you make it very clear to your partner more than once that something is important to you, and they continue to disregard that, it's important. Especially if, as you make it seem, he's acutely aware of the fact that it bothers you to the point that he must not only ask for forgiveness, but there's a chance that you might not be able to give it. That's huge to me. If there's a problem with your spouse, and they know that it's something that you may not be able to continue to forgive them for it, yet they keep taking that chance, to me that's blantant disregard.
At this point, I would have left the relationship. However, since you two are married, I would suggest couples' counseling. Perhaps, as some others have said, he truly doesn't realize that he's being thick-headed about the situation, but it seems to me he's pretty aware. Perhaps he needs a third party to tell him, "Wake up, buddy! This little thing is putting your relationship in jeopardy!"

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/17/2008 7:42:52 AM

SteelofUtah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

Sorry Steel, but I disagree. The OP never said that she thought he was cheating, just that it is important to her that he follow through when he says that he will do something. Yes, part of that is her issue, but how often do we see on these boards advice like, "Don't threaten a punishment that you won't follow through with"? If it is good advice for punishment, isn't the flip side "Don't make promises that you can't/won't keep"? Placating has it's place for some, I suppose, but it smacks of avoidance to me. In a D/s context, it leads me to wonder, who is in charge?

Actually Wyld I agree, you know me though I like to play Devils Advocate.

In all reality, I think the Husband is Inconsiderate, however without knowing his side I am reluctant to brand him "Douche Bag of the Year" The Point here is that there is work on BOTH sides of the fence that need to be done and rather than Batter a Man who isn't here to defend himself, or rather entitle the woman who is hanging him out to dry why not discuss the only position that we can and that is the one on HER side of the street.

It is neither hear nor there who did what and who is wrong because each person will see the situation differently, but we do have one part of the equasion and we can break that part of the equasion down to it's simplest point. What can SHE do to make things better for HER. Remove the Husband Completely, and in my opinion all she needs to do is look at the reality of the situation and decide for herself what it is worth getting upset about something that ultimatly she has the ability to control and that is about her own expectations because like I said we can't get her hubby here and sit him down and discuss his issue with being late, but she is already here we can discuss her issue with him being late, because lets face it, if she didn't freak out about his being late we wouldn't be having this conversation at all would we?

Just my 2, I really do agree that the husband has an equal amount of responsibility but I think creating a martyr in this is a BAD idea cause no one wins that way.

Steel

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/17/2008 8:53:01 AM

WhiplashSmile2

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yellowtail,

Distractions occur and happen from time to time in day to day life. If he was constantly failing to keep his word, I would say there is a real issue, such
as ADD.

Have you considered you have too high of expectation for anybody to humanly meet 100% of the time. Because from the sounds of it, he will fail you again,
and it's just a matter of time.

Again, distraction occur and happen from time to time in day to day life.

Any relationship requires a little give and take, and for both parties to make
some adjustments in their expectations for things to work.

High expectations can be met with disappointment at times. How well would you be able to deal or cope with a partner that has ADD? Would you be willing to make some adjustments if your loved one has ADD? I'm just tossing this one out as a theoretical food for thought to explore.

If your expectations are so high that they often fail to live up to these, where you feel it's a violation of trust. They are Doomed and will end up feeling like an unforgiveble failure in your relationship. It will drag their own sense of self esteem down, and worse yet, it risks building resentment in your partner towards you.

I don't know how long you two have been together. Adjustments like these generally should happen early on in a relationship. Sure everybody goes through this process at some point in time. Be it a few months into things or even a couple of years. It all depends upon that moment when your partner fails one of your expectations.

I think you should consider exploring how realistic your expectations are or are not. Nobody is perfect and some people are far from it.

There's a reason why this offense is not a BIG issue or deal for most people! That alone should be a clue, that you are the one with the issue of having too high of an expectation. Do you allow for any failure whatsoever?

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/18/2008 9:54:57 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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Trust can be rebuilt but it takes time and effort on both parts. There will be good an bad days. Talking openly about your feelings of betrayal helps and letting him express himself keeps the lines of communication going.

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/19/2008 10:27:53 AM

EnchantedForest

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Steelo....you are correct...........im my case I could set my clock by my late husband but on that fateful day when he didnt arrive home on time and didnt call i knew somthing was wrong. I got a call from the police and was picked up and takent to h hospital room where my husband clung to life for 2 day and then passed. He was shot in a bottched robery outside his place of buisness by 2 children.

I have recently destroyed a new relationship because of the same issues............I am now taking time out to get help on how to deal with my time issues...........its not the fault of your mate but let me make this clear..if someone communicates with you that something they do is hurtful to you...if that person really loves and respects you they will make adjustments to keep you comfty............lateness isnt the problem its not contacting the peson to say hey im fine running late see you in a few...............

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/19/2008 10:56:53 AM

SteelofUtah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: EnchantedForest

Steelo....you are correct...........im my case I could set my clock by my late husband but on that fateful day when he didnt arrive home on time and didnt call i knew somthing was wrong. I got a call from the police and was picked up and takent to h hospital room where my husband clung to life for 2 day and then passed. He was shot in a bottched robery outside his place of buisness by 2 children.

I have recently destroyed a new relationship because of the same issues............I am now taking time out to get help on how to deal with my time issues...........its not the fault of your mate but let me make this clear..if someone communicates with you that something they do is hurtful to you...if that person really loves and respects you they will make adjustments to keep you comfty............lateness isnt the problem its not contacting the peson to say hey im fine running late see you in a few...............

And that was the only real point I was trying to make. Yes in your situation I can see why you would have a time line issue and I am glad that you are taking the steps to work on that issue.

I also agree that if someone really cares it would not be an issue because that person would do the things necessary to help that individual through their issue.

I again repeat that the Husband in this issue really does need to take a look at his portion of all this, however he isn't here for me to say that to him, she is and hopefully she will see that there are far to many variables in life for her to get as worked up as she does about time lines.

I am not saying she does not have reason to be upset or even that she doesn't have a right to be upset about the broken promise, however without all the random variables this world offers and knowing the issues the man already has I ask the simple question of if you wuld would rather be Right or Happy, because if after a few YEARS of marriage he has yet to change knowing how much this upsets you you might have better luck waiting for the Mississippi ro reverse dirtection it would seem he just has issues in this field.

I suggest getting emergency Cell Phones and when he is later than you are comfortable with call him or he can call you when he is going to be late.

Steel

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/19/2008 4:56:25 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

quote:

ORIGINAL: EnchantedForest
if that person really loves and respects you they will make adjustments to keep you comfty............

I also agree that if someone really cares it would not be an issue because that person would do the things necessary to help that individual through their issue.

I snipped these posts to focus on these two comments.

While they may appear to be saying the same thing, I think there is a big difference between the two.

In EF's statement, I get the perception of enabling a partner by changing behaviors so they don't get upset. To me, this doesn't reflect working on the issue so that it is no longer an issue. I would not view that as loving behavior

In Steel's statement, I get the perception on helping a partner work through the issues so that even if the behavior occurs they do not get upset. If there is something I need to work on, I would much rather my partner continue the behavior that generates the emotions, so that we can work past it together.

My perception of life is that certain people come into my life so that I can work through the issues that I have. If I don't work through those issues, those same types of people keep coming into my life to help me. If I ignore the issue, then I stay stuck. I prefer to deal with the pain so that I can move past it, than to push it away and allow it to control my life. When it is a choice to being pushed by pain or pulled by purpose, I will choose being pulled by purpose.

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RE: disappointed.... - 11/19/2008 6:51:21 PM

Phanes

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Thist thread is really interesting to me, personally, as I have just came through a situation with someone who cheated on me, twice in the same day with two different men, yet essentially ended our relationship because I smoked. Essentially I was the the who violated her trust because I said that I would stop and wasn't successful in it...(go ahead and blame me....just try to kick a nic habbit when your partner is sleeping with other people) Steelof Utah.... I largely agree with your comments...and think sometimes that people's expectations are simply outta whack.

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