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Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 6:08:43 PM

runnerslut4mstr

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/14/2009
Status: offline

Hi. I'm recently new to this lifestyle, howeverI have known its what I've wanted to do for a while. I have recently had a master own me. I have researched for a few years about what this lifestyle was about and everything with it.

My question is about the TPE lifestyle. I feel that this is the type of lifestyle I want to live, however I have set a few limits on what I wont give up control over due to my very strong feelings and expections (I guess you could call them expectations). I dont want to give up(nor do I think its right for me to be asked to either) my family or friends. The two other things I wont give up and go hand in hand are my future career in the military (have had these plans for a few years now) and my schooling because of a promise I made to a family member.

Now I have talked with my master and we are still having an ongoing discussion about whether or not I will have to give up ROTC and joining the military, but possibly continue schooling. He has mentioned the ROTC thing as a we'll see whether or not you shall finish it.

I was wondering if there were other master/mistress out there that could give me their opinion on this matter. Is it wrong of me to ask to keep the school and ROTC due to the promise I had made to a family member that I would continue my schooling and complete the ROTC program? I am willing to be collared and serve my master, but I feel a strong desire to fulfill this promise that I made to my family member. I am new to this, so I dont know exactly what is the right way/wrong way for a Dom to act about these things. I just want to make sure I do the right thing with all of this.

< Message edited by runnerslut4mstr -- 7/21/2009 6:11:14 PM >

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 6:22:35 PM

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

I was wondering if there were other master/mistress out there that could give me their opinion on this matter. Is it wrong of me to ask to keep the school and ROTC due to the promise I had made to a family member that I would continue my schooling and complete the ROTC program? I am willing to be collared and serve my master, but I feel a strong desire to fulfill this promise that I made to my family member. I am new to this, so I dont know exactly what is the right way/wrong way for a Dom to act about these things. I just want to make sure I do the right thing with all of this.

There are no "master/slave" rules. There is no "right" or 'wrong". There is only what you two work out. Let's turn this around for a minute. Assume that you somehow were the perfect slave. Where, exactly, would you go to get your "perfect slave merit badge"?

now, to answer for me personally... "No, I do not allow Carol to retain anything." But that comes with a huge caveat. I have been in a relationship with Carol for 15 years now. She nows me and I know her. She would give me the school and ROTC and I, in turn, would in fact command her to do those things assuming they were good for her. Note I would not make any such promise. But that's how it'd work out anyway. THAT is how trust is built... one scary new precipice at a time.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 6:28:12 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Ever heard of "Ready, fire, aim"?

You are certainly allowed to set rules prior to beginning a relationship. However, I get the feeling that you agreed for him to be your Master and THEN sprung your restrictions on him. If I were him, I'd feel like I'd just run across a power struggle right away, and I would not be happy.

Why do you say that TPE is right for you? It isn't for everyone, and the fact that you are negotiating with him about what he can and cannot require from you makes me think that TPE may not be for you. If you do end up in the military, then he will have to accept that the military has more control of your life than he does.

Stick around here, ask questions, read a lot, and then determine what kind of relationship you want. I get the feeling you're either confused, or else driven by a TPE fantasy.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 6:45:49 PM

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

I've never understood the saying "Have your cake and eat it too." What's the point of having a piece of a cake if you don't eat it? Are you supposed to put it on your mantlepiece and go oooo and ahhhh each time you pass it? Seems that would be something of a lie...

But anyway, we all know what the saying means, even if it is a silly saying. It sounds like you want to retain control over a lot of different things in your life and they are big things, not little things. Subs who want TPE usually want one because they crave to reliquish power over virtually everything, even the big things. Lots of times such subs also have deisres for things, ways they'd like their lives to go or people they want to remain in touch with, things similar to what you've mentioned, but they desire giving up control over all of that even more. It's a matter of priorities for them. When they weigh everything out, being powerless and perhaps not getting any of the other things they think that they want or need from life, is more important. (Now most dominants are not evil monsters and want you to be relatively happy and so will let you have some of what you want, even if it was fully within their rights to deny it, but you can't guarantee that you will get all of what you want.) The T in TPE stands for total. Why do you think you'd be happy/most fulfilled in a TPE, if you don't want go close to giving up total control? What is it about a TPE that you couldn't also get from a less controlled relationship? Just because it's not full control doesn't mean that the dominant doesn't do a lot of bossing you around and running things.

Or maybe these are the wrong questions. Let me ask something different.

The fact that you are in school suggests you've more than likely got a great deal of time ahead of you to do things in and experience life in. Why not do the things you want to do first and then return to TPE a little later, when you won't feel any regrets for not having done those things? That's the biggest thing that worries me about your situation: that if you didn't do these things you want to do you would feel regret, always wondering (to quote the great Meatloaf), "why didn't I do this?" "why didn't I do that?" Sometimes such regret can get transferred into resentment toward the one you love...and that is a terrible thing to go through. :(

PS: I'm not a master or a mistress, so I hope you don't mind me barging into your thread. I'm sure some dominants will respond as well.

< Message edited by CaringandReal -- 7/21/2009 6:47:57 PM >

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 6:57:37 PM

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

A TPE requires a great deal of up front negotiation, as you are learning.

Personally I think if you made a prior promise to complete the ROTC, you should be allowed to do that, but that's my opinion.

(in reply to CaringandReal)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 7:02:04 PM

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Is it wrong of me to ask to keep the school and ROTC due to the promise I had made to a family member that I would continue my schooling and complete the ROTC program? I am willing to be collared and serve my master, but I feel a strong desire to fulfill this promise that I made to my family member.

Nope, it is not wrong. I would say "follow your destiny", but I do not believe you should choose a life or career path based on a promise to someone else, it provides a focus that is not based on your skills, your personality, but on another's views and needs.

From that perspective, you're denying a possible master control over your life, because you have given that to somebody else. That does not make sense to me, but it is your prerogative. I would do what you feel is best for you, but I would take a long hard look inside my soul, and try to figure out why you want to live your life based on promises you make to others, rather than promises you make to yourself.. you may end up missing real opportunities and happiness because of commitments you make that aren't based in your own reality.

FWIW....

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 7:28:31 PM

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

Have you meet this person in real life?

(in reply to antipode)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 7:31:33 PM

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

I've never understood the saying "Have your cake and eat it too." What's the point of having a piece of a cake if you don't eat it? Are you supposed to put it on your mantlepiece and go oooo and ahhhh each time you pass it? Seems that would be something of a lie...

No, see, it took me a while to get this too ~blush~. The saying should be "eat your cake and have it too" because it means that you keep having the cake after you eat it...

Sorry. Done.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to CaringandReal)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 7:47:20 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: runnerslut4mstr

Hi. I'm recently new to this lifestyle, howeverI have known its what I've wanted to do for a while. I have recently had a master own me. I have researched for a few years about what this lifestyle was about and everything with it.

My question is about the TPE lifestyle. I feel that this is the type of lifestyle I want to live, however I have set a few limits on what I wont give up control over due to my very strong feelings and expections (I guess you could call them expectations). I dont want to give up(nor do I think its right for me to be asked to either) my family or friends. The two other things I wont give up and go hand in hand are my future career in the military (have had these plans for a few years now) and my schooling because of a promise I made to a family member.

Now I have talked with my master and we are still having an ongoing discussion about whether or not I will have to give up ROTC and joining the military, but possibly continue schooling. He has mentioned the ROTC thing as a we'll see whether or not you shall finish it.

I was wondering if there were other master/mistress out there that could give me their opinion on this matter. Is it wrong of me to ask to keep the school and ROTC due to the promise I had made to a family member that I would continue my schooling and complete the ROTC program? I am willing to be collared and serve my master, but I feel a strong desire to fulfill this promise that I made to my family member. I am new to this, so I dont know exactly what is the right way/wrong way for a Dom to act about these things. I just want to make sure I do the right thing with all of this.

Stand by your stated goals and limits, OP. Keep your promises to yourself and your family. Tell him you are finishing what you started, and you like your chosen career, and its not open for discussion. There are lots of people who have a 24/7 dynamic and still serve in the military, finish college, etc. (Message me privately for details.)

ROTC will give you a great start, for a fine military career. (Spoken from experience. Again, message me privately for details.)

If this dom wanted someone who doesn't want to finish college, be in ROTC, and be a military Officer, he shouldn't have chosen you. Duh.

There are lots of people he could choose from, who don't have any of those things as goals in their lives. Why does he hafta come along and pressure you to give up the goals that you have set in place and are already well on your way toward achieving? What a selfish jerk.

I'd dump him in a New York minute, and run screaming away if I were you.

He does not have your best interest at heart, to say the least. And his values are seriously fucked up, and don't fit well with yours at all, if he doesn't see how important it is for you to keep your promises, and finish what you start, and have a career that you feel is meaningful and worthwhile.

There might as well be a neon sign over his head saying "selfish, insecure loser who wants to mess up your life" with an arrow pointing down at him. What other proof do you need, that this guy is a bad match for you? He wants you to come to a schreeching halt in your schooling and career progression. Don't do it.

Why would such a person even be attractive to you, as a potential partner?? I'd be pissed. I'd tell him to go fuck himself, if it were me. Stick to your plan. It is an outstanding plan, for an amazing career!

Choose a dom who supports you in achieving your goals and dreams. This guy will be nothing but a hindrance to you, at every opportunity. Seriously. College, ROTC and the military are big enough challenges without some asshole giving you grief about it constantly. The people who will have the easiest time of it are those whose loved ones are actively supportive of their choice. Without your significant other's wholehearted support, you could have a really hard time. And if he wanted to be a even more of a jerk than he already has shown that he is, there are some things he easily could do to actively fuck up your career.

The military desperately needs good Officers (and good NCO's) right now. As a military member, you can make a huge difference in the lives of thousands of military members and their families.... And veterans and civilians as well. It is a fine, honorable career choice. Be true to yourself, and follow through. You won't regret it.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 8:41:23 PM

xiam

Posts: 148
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

...There might as well be a neon sign over his head saying "selfish, insecure loser who wants to mess up your life..."

Or, maybe the neon sign simply reads "Incompatible, Next Please".

< Message edited by xiam -- 7/21/2009 8:50:19 PM >

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 9:00:13 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

dreamer, note that you and I have opposite assumptions here.

I assumed that OP entered into the relationship and then brought up her ROTC/military service.

You assumed that this was discussed beforehand, and her master changed things after the relationship was started.

I hope that OP returns and explains which of us guessed right.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to xiam)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 9:03:24 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If this is important to you, and it's a no go for him then you aren't compatible.

As far as giving up schooling? Anyone who wants that doesn't want what's best for you. You may be with him a few years, but the lack of better jobs that comes from not finishing school will negatively effect you your whole life.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/21/2009 9:46:05 PM

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: runnerslut4mstr

My question is about the TPE lifestyle. I feel that this is the type of lifestyle I want to live, however I have set a few limits on what I wont give up control over due to my very strong feelings and expections (I guess you could call them expectations). I dont want to give up(nor do I think its right for me to be asked to either) my family or friends. The two other things I wont give up and go hand in hand are my future career in the military (have had these plans for a few years now) and my schooling because of a promise I made to a family member.

That doesn't sound like TPE to me at all.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/22/2009 5:36:42 AM

Posts: 167
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

My question is about the TPE lifestyle. I feel that this is the type of lifestyle I want to live, however I have set a few limits on what I wont give up control over due to my very strong feelings and expections (I guess you could call them expectations). I dont want to give up(nor do I think its right for me to be asked to either) my family or friends. The two other things I wont give up and go hand in hand are my future career in the military (have had these plans for a few years now) and my schooling because of a promise I made to a family member.

You say you are looking for a TPE relationship, yet from what you have said here, you do not 'want' a TPE relationship. The word 'I won't' is a tip off that you are not compatible with a relationship of this type.

_____________________________

Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/22/2009 5:39:34 AM

Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: runnerslut4mstr

My question is about the TPE lifestyle. I feel that this is the type of lifestyle I want to live, however I have set a few limits on what I wont give up control over due to my very strong feelings and expections (I guess you could call them expectations). I dont want to give up(nor do I think its right for me to be asked to either) my family or friends. The two other things I wont give up and go hand in hand are my future career in the military (have had these plans for a few years now) and my schooling because of a promise I made to a family member.

If you've done a lot of research then you know that the "T" in TPE means "total". Back when the term was coined, there was a pretty good argument about whether it should be "Absolute" instead, but I guess most people didn't fancy being in an APE relationship.

Total is total. If you enter into a "TPE" relationship, you can certainly have desires, preferences and opinions about things, but you are surrendering total control. Once the collar goes on, all the decisions are out of your hands. In surrendering all control, you have to trust that the man you are surrendering it to will handle you responsibly, and make good choices for you, since you are no longer making them yourself.

Surrendering unconditional control can be scary as hell. He might, and in fact probably will, make choices for you other than the ones you would have made. In fact, if he doesn't, you have to start to wonder why you submitted in the first place. Sometimes, you're not going to know whether the choices he's making for you were the right ones until years later, and only in hindsight. Welcome to the world of a "total" slave.

It's not something that you ought to engage in at all unless you are deeply certain that it is the right way for you to live. It's not something that you should engage in with someone that you aren't absolutely certain that you would trust to make better choices for you than you would have made yourself.

Maybe what you really want is just some PE, without the T. Maybe you want to relinquish some control over some things, but retain some too. Could be too that you are wanting to start with PE, and let the T develop as your trust and submission develop? Just a thought.

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/22/2009 7:18:33 AM

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas

If you've done a lot of research then you know that the "T" in TPE means "total". Back when the term was coined, there was a pretty good argument about whether it should be "Absolute" instead, but I guess most people didn't fancy being in an APE relationship.

Total is total. If you enter into a "TPE" relationship, you can certainly have desires, preferences and opinions about things, but you are surrendering total control. Once the collar goes on, all the decisions are out of your hands. In surrendering all control, you have to trust that the man you are surrendering it to will handle you responsibly, and make good choices for you, since you are no longer making them yourself.

Surrendering unconditional control can be scary as hell. He might, and in fact probably will, make choices for you other than the ones you would have made. In fact, if he doesn't, you have to start to wonder why you submitted in the first place. Sometimes, you're not going to know whether the choices he's making for you were the right ones until years later, and only in hindsight. Welcome to the world of a "total" slave.

It's not something that you ought to engage in at all unless you are deeply certain that it is the right way for you to live. It's not something that you should engage in with someone that you aren't absolutely certain that you would trust to make better choices for you than you would have made yourself.

Maybe what you really want is just some PE, without the T. Maybe you want to relinquish some control over some things, but retain some too. Could be too that you are wanting to start with PE, and let the T develop as your trust and submission develop? Just a thought.

20 points.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Leonidas)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/22/2009 7:28:10 AM

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

My question is about the TPE lifestyle. I feel that this is the type of lifestyle I want to live, however I have set a few limits on what I wont give up control over due to my very strong feelings and expections (I guess you could call them expectations). I dont want to give up(nor do I think its right for me to be asked to either) my family or friends. The two other things I wont give up and go hand in hand are my future career in the military (have had these plans for a few years now) and my schooling because of a promise I made to a family member.

At 19, you have time to do what you want and then do what you must later.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to runnerslut4mstr)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/22/2009 8:24:57 AM

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I sure as hell hope my Nihilus rating is deep into the negative numbers!

Control is an illusion clung to by insecure people, just ask any emperor in history.

Anyone who needs to make you less so they can feel like more is an insecure nitwit. Find someone who pushes you to grow and excel, to become a better person tomorrow than you were today. I exercise my dominance not because they can't say no but because they choose to say yes. Anyone who can't say no is too weak to inspire me to dominate them. So strive to be your best and find a man who inspires you to say yes, not one who wants to keep you in a place where you can't say no.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/22/2009 8:43:23 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

She could very well enter into a TPE relationship with someone else and still finish school/ROTC if next time she chooses a more compatible partner. If she entered into this relationship with him then supporting her and the moment she accepted the collar he went "Aha, I lied, I actually don't want any of those things I said" then the relationship she entered is effectively null and void because the person she thought she was entering a relationship with is not the person really there. The difference here is between Great Oz and the mountebank behind the curtain.

If she didn't discuss her future before hand, and he never bothered to ask her, then they've both learned, hopefully, that they need to know a lot more before starting a relationship in the future. But I doubt this discussion never came up, since even on a first date people would say "So what are you majoring in?" and her response would be "computer engineering/psych/business and I'm planning on entering the service instead of grad school". There's no way they could have had as much as a cup of coffee and some desultory discussion without this coming up.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

RE: Master/slave questions - 7/22/2009 8:45:30 AM

Posts: 14412
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Let's be realistic. Very few relationships succeed past one year. I really, really think that giving up your dreams and goals for someone is almost always a mistake. You spend the rest of your life with a regret and end up resenting the person you gave it for.

There is more to life than a D/s relationship. It's okay to have goals that don't involve that relationship.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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