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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/24/2009 11:12:24 AM   
RapierFugue


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From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

wait.. I know that I'm supposed to use my hands for one set of controls, and my feet for another...  how does it go?


"Mike, I'm worried!"

"What is it, Steve?"

"LOOK!"

"That's nothing to worry about, Steve. That's just a mountain goat. It can't hurt us".

"Yeah, ok, maybe. But should it be looking down at us?"

"Oh ... fuck".

(in reply to GreedyTop)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/24/2009 11:17:08 AM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue


quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

wait.. I know that I'm supposed to use my hands for one set of controls, and my feet for another...  how does it go?


"Mike, I'm worried!"

"What is it, Steve?"

"LOOK!"

"That's nothing to worry about, Steve. That's just a mountain goat. It can't hurt us".

"Yeah, ok, maybe. But should it be looking down at us?"

"Oh ... fuck".


"Hello, and welcome aboard this SpiffyAir flight to Australia, which will take us approximately 26 hours to complete ... first off, I'd like to thank you for choosing SpiffyAir and, secondly, I'd like to talk to you about ... accepting Jesus into your life ... you see, with Jesus by your side you can ..."

(in reply to RapierFugue)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/24/2009 11:19:38 AM   
daintydimples


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Talk about torture !!

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Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to RapierFugue)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/24/2009 11:47:48 AM   
MasterMgm


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 On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/24/2009 11:52:01 AM   
Saratov


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umm... Jim, any idea what all these extra levers and buttons are for?  This looks harder than the twin engines I'm used to...  oh well let's give it a try we'll figure it out as we go along.

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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/24/2009 11:52:33 AM   
VirginPotty


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On the puddle jumper plane I took from Casper, WY to Salt Lake City, UT in July, it was announced that while we're ok weight wise, the folks from the front of the plane will be asked to seat in other areas of the plane to distribute the weight evenly.
WTF?  I was soooo glad to get off that plane!!!  Take off was a bit scarrrry!

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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/24/2009 11:56:41 AM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Saratov

umm... Jim, any idea what all these extra levers and buttons are for?  This looks harder than the twin engines I'm used to...  oh well let's give it a try we'll figure it out as we go along.


There are 6 emergency exits; 2 at the front, 2 in the middle, and 2 at the rear.

In the event of a headlong collision with a mountain, ALL these exits will be at the rear.

(in reply to Saratov)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 10:14:12 AM   
Aanakaris


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Dang! What are the chances that all of us would lose a contact lens at the same time?"

_____________________________

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
-- Dr. Seuss

(in reply to RapierFugue)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 10:15:39 AM   
mnottertail


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ooooooooops, there it goes, are we totally out of engines now?

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 10:32:41 AM   
Hillwilliam


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*singing*  IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIt's a small world aaaaaaaaaaaaafter all....iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's a small world aaaaaaaaaaaaaaafter all.............

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 11:21:07 AM   
rideemwet


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Some fun but true stories, I collected quite a few as a flight instructor ...

Atlanta approach controller talking to a small plane starting in the usual monotone:
"Skyhawk 3-2-papa, traffic is a Delta 757 at 3 o'clock and LOOK OUT!"  (His relief controller knocked over his coffee with the coil of wire to the headset).

What I don't want to hear the captian say ... "Emergency power".  To explain, full power on a jet engine is normally based on several gauges and the throttle is advanced until one of them reaches 100%.  Emergency power means firewall the throttles and rebuild the engines when the plane gets on the ground. At least one airline the procedure is that if the flying pilot calls for emergency power the other pilot shoves the throttles full foward without hesitation even if the flying pilot has already done so.  Think about what situation would call for that.


Walking on to a Delta flight in Texas, carry on baggage in hand with SO.  Plane suddenly drops 2-3 inches.  Turbulance while at the gate?  WTF?  P.A. System "We need everyone to get off the plane, someone left a ladder under it and we need everyone off the plane to get the ladder out".  I tell my SO take your bags.   As I suspected the ladder had punched a hole through the bottom of the plane ...  we got re-ticketed while everyone was getting back one the plane to reclaim their carry-on.


Best humor under stress ... 
Tower - "United Airlines Flight 232 clear to land any runway"
Capt Haynes - "So you want it on a runway, ha?"
(his ONLY flight controls were the throttles on 2 out of three engines, the third engine self-destructed and destroyed ALL flight controls.  While it killed many people, very few people can replicate that landing in a simulator even with multiple tries)

Flight into small town Georgia, arriving late, pull up to the gate, everything shuts down.  And we wait.  and wait. and wait.  Finally, captain on PA  "Folks, it appears that the good people that run the terminal can't find a key to operate the jetway, please get comfortable while they see what they can find".


Former student/good friend is captain for a commuter airline, dresses goth in off hours.  He's in some small town in the northeast on an overnight when the weather goes really bad and closes things down.  He's one of the earliest to get back to NYC on a non-revenue flight (i.e., no passenger, so he's not in uniform, his personal bags got lost in the shuffle).  In the air the airline asks him to take a schedule flight out as soon as he's on the ground.  The passengers in the outbound flight had been sitting in the plane with no captain for 2 hours.  He walked onto the plane in full goth dress, got on the PA and said "Passengers, yes, I'm your captain.  I just got in and can go home and change into uniform while you wait another 2 hours or we can leave now with me dressed in black"  They cheered.

I've declared an in-flight emergency myself three or four times in several thousand hours of flying.  One nice little rule is that any plane in an emergency takes precedent over all other aircraft, and that pilot can violate any FAA regulation necessary for the completion of the flight.  Don't abuse it, but when you need priority *for whatever reason*, I teach people to use it.  After all, ATC has a bunch of procedures they have to follow, but if you say the E-word, they do whatever you want and the procedure is to accomodate you, so they'd prefer you declare an emergency because otherwise they have to treat everyone according to complex guidelines.  I've NEVER been asked to fill out one word of paperwork as a result of declaring an emergency.  While its certainly disconcerting, most declared emergencies are non-events.


(in reply to Hillwilliam)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 11:26:50 AM   
rideemwet


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quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

On the puddle jumper plane I took from Casper, WY to Salt Lake City, UT in July, it was announced that while we're ok weight wise, the folks from the front of the plane will be asked to seat in other areas of the plane to distribute the weight evenly.
WTF?  I was soooo glad to get off that plane!!!  Take off was a bit scarrrry!


I've had them empty the back of the plane out on a 757 out of Denver.  Its called weight and balance.  Frankly I'm reassured that they're paying attention, because throwing passengers out of the airplane once the take-off roll has started is really a bad way to fix a weight and balance problem.

(in reply to VirginPotty)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 11:33:06 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
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From: St George Utah
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quote:

Former student/good friend is captain for a commuter airline, dresses goth in off hours.  He's in some small town in the northeast on an overnight when the weather goes really bad and closes things down.  He's one of the earliest to get back to NYC on a non-revenue flight (i.e., no passenger, so he's not in uniform, his personal bags got lost in the shuffle).  In the air the airline asks him to take a schedule flight out as soon as he's on the ground.  The passengers in the outbound flight had been sitting in the plane with no captain for 2 hours.  He walked onto the plane in full goth dress, got on the PA and said "Passengers, yes, I'm your captain.  I just got in and can go home and change into uniform while you wait another 2 hours or we can leave now with me dressed in black"  They cheered.


I would have thought that was Awsome myself.

However isn't there a rule about wearing a uniform on a Pasengered Flight?

I thought it was a Rule.

Steel

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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 12:04:29 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rideemwet


Best humor under stress ... 
Tower - "United Airlines Flight 232 clear to land any runway"
Capt Haynes - "So you want it on a runway, ha?"
(his ONLY flight controls were the throttles on 2 out of three engines, the third engine self-destructed and destroyed ALL flight controls.  While it killed many people, very few people can replicate that landing in a simulator even with multiple tries)



That was an amazing one. I've just googled so I got the figures right, and it was 112 dead, vs. 185 survivors, in a situation where 53 of 55 simulator recreations held immediately afterward were zero survivor fails. And the 2 that did manage to "land" all had terminal speeds over 40 mph in excess of Haynes', so you could probably halve (at the very least) the survivor numbers.

I also liked the fact that, despite being under intense pressure, he was clearly a man of morals, right down to the wire; when asked to attempt a left-hand turn to keep flight 232 away from the city, he replied: "yes, whatever you do, keep us away from the city".

Amazing man. The above I knew (apart from the exact figures).

What I didn't know was this, found on wiki:

"In 1996, his oldest son died after a motorcycle accident, and his wife died in 1999. His daughter Laurie Haynes-Arguello (born 1964) gained media attention in 2001 when she was diagnosed with aplastic anaemia. By 2003, her disease was in an advanced stage and she required a bone marrow transplant. Because his daughter's insurance would not cover the operation, Al Haynes needed help from the Air Line Pilots Association, which donated money and brought the Haynes' monetary plight to light. Many survivors of Flight 232 found out about the case and they also helped raise money. Eventually, his daughter was able to get the transplant."

Which I have to say I think is wonderful

(in reply to rideemwet)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 12:07:58 PM   
daintydimples


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Truly wonderful, thank you, RapierFugue.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 12:19:50 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

quote:

Former student/good friend is captain for a commuter airline, dresses goth in off hours.  He's in some small town in the northeast on an overnight when the weather goes really bad and closes things down.  He's one of the earliest to get back to NYC on a non-revenue flight (i.e., no passenger, so he's not in uniform, his personal bags got lost in the shuffle).  In the air the airline asks him to take a schedule flight out as soon as he's on the ground.  The passengers in the outbound flight had been sitting in the plane with no captain for 2 hours.  He walked onto the plane in full goth dress, got on the PA and said "Passengers, yes, I'm your captain.  I just got in and can go home and change into uniform while you wait another 2 hours or we can leave now with me dressed in black"  They cheered.


I would have thought that was Awsome myself.

However isn't there a rule about wearing a uniform on a Pasengered Flight?

I thought it was a Rule.

Steel


Oooh! A chance to use my favourite quote ever:

"Rules are made for the obedience of fools, and the guidance of wise men"

Sir Douglas Bader



(who would, it has to be pointed out in the interests of balance, have started WWII with 2 legs if he'd stuck to the rules, but WTF)

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 12:21:18 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

Truly wonderful, thank you, RapierFugue.


De nada

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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 12:42:44 PM   
mnottertail


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Jesus christ, that mickey mouse microdot is really kicking in, I think I'm peaking.............




_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 12:44:05 PM   
MstrPBK


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Second post.

I have found this thread very interesting. While we started very silly and humorously; the many who have posted real stories and personal experiences brings forth the seriousness of this profession. No matter how pilots calm their crew and passengers the scenario comes down to we have a problem and we have to be as mature as possible about it. I thank all of these in the airline industry for their dedication and hard work.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA


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RE: Things you don't want to hear over the plane's pa - 8/25/2009 12:45:07 PM   
Leiren


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Okay. This is supposedly a true story. Found it while Googling 'funny aviation stories':

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down? "


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