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RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 10:55:30 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: threepointplay13

it wasn't like that originally. I developed this desire well into our relationship. I have talked and asked her, but she is very vanilla. Guess this was the wrong place to ask this question.

Why was it the wrong place to ask? Were you thinking people would be all over the idea of you cheating on your wife?
Don't assume that because you post a question here, on a kink site, that it means anything goes. You will find yourself quite mistaken in that.

Relationships and people grow and change over time, just like it appears you did. As I said before, figure out your priorities...submission to your marriage vows or submission to your desires.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to threepointplay13)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 11:09:25 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: threepointplay13

I'm new here and am a married man. My bride just happens to be very vanilla. I crave discreet encounters with assertive knot tying woman. Try to find that in Upstate NY. Anybody out there have any ideas??

Be honest with the bride because most of us do not believe in cheating on our partners

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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(in reply to threepointplay13)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 11:21:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: threepointplay13
Guess this was the wrong place to ask this question.

No actually, it is probably one of the best places you could ask a question like that. The people here understand what you are looking for, and the fact that in doing so you risk compromising something you have worked hard to keep. There is a person that you assuredly care for that you are at least contemplating hurting very badly with a betrayal of trust and agreement.

We get all that very well, and folk here are asking you to step back and consider what you are thinking as taking those steps will only end in tears for both of you.

Good luck in your choice.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 3:29:52 PM

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Seek what you desire within your marriage. If it doesn't materialize either stop seeking it and choose to be happy without it or end the marriage before engaging in deceitful, selfish behavior. If you were ever to trust the experience and opinion of an anonymous guy on a dopey internet posting board.....this would be the time.

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Oscar Gamble

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RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 3:34:46 PM

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It is my opinion a man (anyone) who lies to and cheats on the very person he is supposed to be honest with and treasure above all others will do far worse to the person he cheats with.

If a person does not respect their partner they certainly will not respect the person they cheat with. So, if you go with a cheater be aware they have no respect for you and think very poorly of you.

(in reply to OttersSwim)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 3:37:40 PM

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OP, it sounds like you are fulfilled in your marriage except for the lack of kink.

There are numerous resources you can use to SLOWLY bring her around. For example, there's a book called "When Someone You Love is Kinky."

Don't pressure her. Proceed slowly. When she begins to Dominate you, tell her how much you liked it and how good it made you feel.

Saying that she's hopelessly vanilla might be the truth, but the women I've known have been open minded as long as they trust and care for the man they're with.

Quit trying to fulfill your fantasies and instead focus on making your wife happy to do them with you.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 9/15/2009 3:54:44 PM >

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RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 3:44:34 PM

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True happiness isn't getting what you crave. True happiness is being able to sleep peacefully and contentedly on your back.

For those of you lacking the sense of humor gene.....that's being able to sleep without fearing your wife will cut your pecker off during the night.

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 3:48:29 PM

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Some people just aren't kinky. Some people just are. I see nothing wrong with paying a Domme, Prostitute or Professional submissive to fulfill your needs.

Prostitution is the oldest job in the world for reason.

I am lucky enough to be in a relationship where my needs, whatever they are can be met. Some people aren't.

If you do go this route, make sure it is out of town, with someone neither of you know or could meet socially, and that you never decide to relieve your conscience by telling her. Make sure you treat your wife exactly the same, if not better than you always have. If she is not into this lifestyle, trust me she does NOT want to know you cheated on her. It will ONLY break her heart, and what is the use in that?

One day, you may realize you have had enough kink, and can just be happy at home with her.

One day you may realize you will always need this. Keep it a secret, and be good at it. It is your problem, not hers.

< Message edited by Lostkitten3 -- 9/15/2009 3:56:46 PM >

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 3:50:25 PM

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This is me judging you.

I don't like people like you.

(in reply to Lostkitten3)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 4:01:50 PM

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Seems to me that you have a decision to make - find someone to play with with your wifes consent, or buy some porn and go it alone.
If your wife agrees with you finding a play partner then the chances are that she will not want you to have sex with your partner. But then, maybe she will. You can't tell until she has the whole story.

Of course you could always find someone to cheat with and hope your wife won't figure out why you are suddenly working late and buying unstained underpants.

(in reply to Elipsis)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 4:07:48 PM

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It is your choice. What has more value to you?

Personally I would encourage honesty with your partner. try to bring in aspects into your sexual play. Or, as people have mentioned, try looking into finding a non sexual kink partner and have an open discussion with her.

You can also lie. Which will reveal the type of person you are and your value system. I would not advise it and consider that course of action immoral.

Choose wisely. The grass is always greener...

(in reply to kiwisub12)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 4:10:43 PM

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Cheating is cheating is cheating and always catches up with you. Be honest and end your relationship honestly if you must but hopefully your wife will understand and work with you.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 4:17:11 PM

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I hope this isn't too much of a diversion, but I find it curious that responses seem to suggest a majority opinion that cheating is bad, but seeing a pro is ok, for the same act. Money makes it all ok, huh?

That said, honesty is generally the best policy, but then again I'm one of those lying cheating deceiving married illegitmiates...

(in reply to Sexycelticlady)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 5:34:12 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whenready

I hope this isn't too much of a diversion, but I find it curious that responses seem to suggest a majority opinion that cheating is bad, but seeing a pro is ok, for the same act. Money makes it all ok, huh?

That said, honesty is generally the best policy, but then again I'm one of those lying cheating deceiving married illegitmiates...

The reason the majority seems to be coming out against cheating is because it's dishonest. It's not about the money, it's about being honest. Other posters have said (and I agree with them) that the very nature of BDSM involves consent, trust, and honesty. Cheaters fail in all those categories.

(in reply to Whenready)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 5:37:01 PM

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I discovered I was kinky 10 years into a marital relationship. It was the most tumultuous year of my life as I struggled with discovering a part of myself and finding a name for it. My husband was vanilla, there was no way around it. I tried talking with him, and he was having no part of it. He thought I was being brain-washed by an Internet cult. I knew it wasn't for him. I made excuses for myself, and I rationalized why I was right in doing what I was doing. I cheated. It wasn't enough. After a year it completely ended our relationship, because even as I hated hurting him and compromising my integrity, this was something I had to have.

It is not wrong to be kinky and have these desires. It is wrong to lie and betray a trust.

In very basic terms you have a few choices. Some of them are much harder because they include being true to yourself and having integrity, when the *easier* course of action gets you close to what you want, without being honest with your significant other.

A) You can be true to yourself and your wife. This is hard. You don't want to hurt her and you don't want to be rejected by her. You have desires, but they don't fit within the boundaries of your marital relationship as it currently stands. In order to evolve it to a place where you could get your needs met, and her not feel betrayed, you would both have to be willing to go slow, and evolve in the same direction. She might not ever be kinky, but could she be willing to learn about it enough that certain *play with limits* would not make her feel inadequate or threatened? Yes, this route is FUCKING HARD! But in the end, if you can guide your marriage down this path, it will be much stronger than the average and will in itself be a tremendously bonding experience.

B) You can stuff your desires. This works for *a while* before the top of your head blows off. It's a denial of some of your core attributes, whether you are seeking a sexual thrill, a masochistic thrill, or the satisfaction from submission.

C) You can cheat. She may find out, she may not. Beware of what you awaken inside yourself. If you find you like this A LOT, you start down a path of obcession and desire, and pretty soon you are the guy who wandered off the trail and you find yourself stranded out on a penisula, with very dire circumstances on all sides except one, and that path SUCKS in a big way. It destroys not only your marital relationship, but affects your work, your friends, your kids, your parents, etc. Every aspect of your life will be impacted emotionally, financially, energetically - think nuclear explosion. In the end, many people find themselves in just such a place, as we tend to *think we have it under control* and want to avoid the difficulty of direct confrontation.

I will tell you what I have told many people in your shoes. Even if you know your wife *doesn't* get it. It's still her choice, HER CHOICE, if you are honest and upfront in negotiating. You can have spanking and submission without traditional sex. You and your wife have the opportunity to redefine your relationship. She may feel like you are trying to change the rules on her. That what she *bought* is not now what she has. Some people are in a place where they can evolve, some can't. Sometimes it's something like this that forces change. If you have not yet betrayed her, you can present this as your path of evolution, and convince her of her importance, and move forward together. IT'S HARD! She might not be willing. BUT YOU OWE HER to allow her the choice of whether to join you, or not. If you cheat, you take that away from her, and you betray. BETRAYAL hurts for a lifetime and if you care about her at all, this is NOT something you want to do.

You are welcome to email me privately.

_____________________________

Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim

'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

(in reply to threepointplay13)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 5:43:01 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

Because this is a kink site it is often thought you will get support from the majority when it comes to fulfilling your desires and cheating on a spouse. You will not.

If your desires are of such strength that you feel you must seek elsewhere, man-up and tell your wife...giving her the option of staying in the marriage.

What Holly said! Too many people seem to show up here with the intentions of going behind their partner's backs to get their kink.

Not many here are going to support that kind of thinking. I'm just speaking for myself (and maybe some will agree) but most of us on CM or any other kink site take communication very seriously. If you've tried to communicate your desires to your wife and she's not buying into it, then it may be time to re-evaluate your marriage and find someone who IS willing to play in your sandbox with complete knowledge of what it is you really want.

Good luck!

< Message edited by Leiren -- 9/15/2009 5:46:38 PM >

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RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 5:48:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whenready
I hope this isn't too much of a diversion, but I find it curious that responses seem to suggest a majority opinion that cheating is bad, but seeing a pro is ok, for the same act. Money makes it all ok, huh? That said, honesty is generally the best policy, but then again I'm one of those lying cheating deceiving married illegitmiates...

Nobody's saying that cheating with a pro is ok, either. They're just saying that most people who do BDSM for fun or want it in their relationships won't touch cheaters with a 10 foot pole. So, the only way they'll find anyone to help them cheat is to pay for it.

"Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater
Had a wife who wouldn't beat him
Lied and sneaked to a pro who'd sell
When she finds out, she'll make his life hell."

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 9/15/2009 5:52:32 PM >

(in reply to Whenready)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 5:54:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: threepointplay13

Thanks for the advise but my mate would not be so open minded. Has to be discreet. Maybe there is no place for me here either!!

Well you are here, so there must be other cheaters around. Maybe you can hook up with a gal seeking a discreet relationship and screw up 2 familys with one affair. Woo hoo, 2 for the price of 1. I would suggest you do it on the other side though. I believe it's against tos to advertise like this on the general forums.

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(in reply to threepointplay13)

RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 6:43:35 PM

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Hello to the OP,
Years ago I met this wonderful couple at a party - two gay men in their 70's. They had been together only a couple of years and for one it was his first gay relationship. He had realized he was gay around his 30's. He was married to a wonderful woman whom he loved very very much. He told her about his bisexuality, and she said absolutely not as far as him having a male lover. If he wanted that, they could divorce. She didn't want to stop him from what he needed. Neither did she want a cheating husband. He agreed to never hadve a relationship - emotional, sexual, etc. with another man until they were no longer married. He chose to stay with his wife. He chose to find other outlets for his gay side - reading and watching porn for example. But he never ever had an affair. He and his wife had a long and beautiful relationship with children and grandchildren, laughter and joy. And then she got ill. He nursed her through his cancer until she died. They were together when she died.

A year or two later he met the wonderful man that he came to that party with. He lived with honor. He lived in honesty. And he had two great loves.

May your story be as loving.

well wishes,
sunshine

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RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play - 9/15/2009 9:57:15 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: threepointplay13

Thanks for the advise but my mate would not be so open minded. Has to be discreet. Maybe there is no place for me here either!!

I wish you the best of luck in finding a Domme before your impending divorce, because your infidelity will virtually guarantee your wife gets a larger chunk of your bank account.

Maybe I'm just anti-liars-and-cheaters but I'd tie you up just to check your name on your DL, call 411 to get your number, invite your wife to the motel and leave you bound to the bed before she arrives. I'm guessing you'd get quite a "session" love, and you won't even have to cheat to do it!

(in reply to threepointplay13)

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