CallaFirestormBW
Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008 Status: offline
|
My nature is one of resistance, chaos, and rebellion. I have always valued those aspects of myself, while taking full responsibility (I thought) for the consequences of that chosen path -- but earlier this year, I realized that my battle against a long-standing nemesis was doing -me- more damage than the now-deceased nemesis. You see, my mother was a model, and preferred that her daughter follow in her footsteps. She was adamant about my diet, what I was allowed, and what I was forbidden, and coercive about compelling my activity, threatening the things I adored the most with violent destruction unless I did my hours of calisthenics (her greatest threat was to take my current favorite book and tell me that she would throw it in the fireplace unless I could -prove- that I'd completed my exercise regimen.... which meant doing it -again- in front of her, even if I'd already done it on my own in an attempt to thwart the passage.) As I got older, I became as obsessive about own issues, to the point of anorexia, bulimia, and obsessive exercise. Once I was out of my mother's immediate grasp, though, and went through some therapy when my ANA/MIA issues caused me to have a heart attack at 17 years old, I had a partial 'healing', and my obstructionist, chaotic nature awoke fully (I'd always been a little passive-aggressive, but kept my desire to rebel well checked while my mother had access to my library and could destroy my beloved books at will), and the distance led me to rebel, and skip my exercise and eat what I chose. It was most satisfying for a time, but it wasn't -healthy-. You see, every time someone told me that I was gaining a bit of weight, or perhaps I should be careful about what I was eating, or maybe I might enjoy a little workout, I heard my mother's heavy-handed nagging and her discouraging comments about how I would never be loved, and was doomed, without constant attention, to become a "frump". It took me until just recently to realize that I'd fought my now-15-years-deceased mother so long and so hard that I'd made her words a self-fulfilling prophecy. She knew about my health issues... I was diagnosed at 2 weeks old, so it wasn't like everyone didn't know that I would lose mobility, suffer damage to my organs, and probably die young... and I know, now, that she was probably scared out of her mind that I'd get fat and dumpy and lose even -more- years of my life through not learning to be super-careful about my diet, and not being ever vigilant about moving my body and learning to use my body even through sometimes severe discomfort (I save the word "pain" for non-constructive pain, not the sensations of extreme effort channeled through my less-than-perfect physical form). I laid my demons to rest earlier this year, when I realized that I'd been fighting so long that I wasn't fighting -her- any more... I was fighting myself... and winning, if you could call it that. And, in "winning", I was losing my chance to have the life that I dreamed and planned for. Now, I have what I believe to be a -healthy- obsession about my weight and fitness. It is a part of the routine around here, along with shifts in the household flow that allow me to get sufficient sleep on a schedule that maximizes my ability to care for my family and myself. I am writing again (no more TV for me), working with my writing mentor, reading again (as crucial for a writer as writing), and the little voices, while still there, have become an occasional mosquito buzz. I've found healthy outlets for my chaos and rebellion, and have shaped protocol and structure into my home and my life in ways that are, I believe, healthy for everyone involved. I like to think that I've been learning all along -- but for the first time in most of my life, I feel like the most intimate aspects of my life are under -my- control, rather than under the control of dead tapes playing in my head. Dame Calla
_____________________________
*** Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!" "Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer
|