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ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

Please don't take this as an attack but no you weren't fine before you went on the psych meds, far from it.

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ORIGINAL: estah

Topping,

You are not the only person who deals with anger management problems, I have the same issue. I had to learn the signs of when I was lossing control and how to deal with it. With those who know me, they have learnt some of the signs, but with my children I have a sentence I use. Now most of the time they leave me in peace and play quietly together, but they are children and do not always leave. It is not their responsibility it is mine. There is also strangers who do not know I have this problem, so if I lose control the only person responsable is myself. I know when I am lossing control and remove myself from the situation before it esculates. This has resulting in me having people pull a car over at the safest possible place and walking home or finding an alternative method, I have walked out of a session with my then Owner, he was angry when I came back but we discussed it and he was understanding. Noone is responsible for your actions but you. You know you have this problem, it is up to you to learn the signs of when you are lossing control and to remove yourself before it is too late. The law is not going to see your partner/friend/etc as being responsible for pushing you too far, they will see a legal adult who has no control of herself.

If the relationship is bad for you, then take a break. Take the time you need to learn the signs that you can use to identify your loss of control. Take time for you. Noone, noone but yourself can do this. I never attended anger management courses or had help learning this, I think it is great you are getting support because it sure is a hard thing to do alone. Again, you want to make changes, then decide to do them, but like other things they do not happen over night and are not easy.

verity

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The hell it is. You have NO RIGHT to dictate what another person is to do. Who do you think you are? You are correct that when you are having a childish tantrum it is best to separate, but you cannot order him to leave. If you do not want him near you, then i suggest you leave.

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ORIGINAL: wandersalone

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ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

IT IS ABSOLUTELY A OK TO PLACE BOUNDRIES ON SOMEONE WHO IS TRIGGERING YOU,  and when they don't listen to your boundries for your own safty, then yeah it's their fault what they get.

um actually sorry to break this to you but this isn't how it works.  You can only control yourself, you cannot force someone else to do things to make you happy or safe.  He obviously doesn't seem to understand how important it is that he stay away when you are in these moods as time and time and time again you have come here telling us how he did something which then made you hit him.

If your post had been written by a guy and he said that bis girlfriend threw an armband or hairband at him and he punched her just imagine the outcry.  Personally I think it sucks that there isn't the same amount of disgust generated by a female hitting a man non-consensually, both are just as abhorrent to me.

If you need to be admitted for longer do so, yes it is scary however you seem increasingly fragile psychologically speaking though I am only going by your posts.  You seem to not be getting the support you need from your family and partner and you need to have some stability in your life.

We are not a substitute for treatment and real life support.  Coming here and sharing your insights and the goals you are achieving is great however at the end of the day most of us turn off our computers at some stage and interact with our friends and families and get the support and help we need from them.

I know this is harsh and I truly am sorry that it may be hurtful to read however like many here I am worried about you and know that we on CM cannot help you.  Your daddy can't help you.  Your family can't help you.  Only you can help you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ


You have a mental illness and because of your PTSD you do not handle certain stressors well.
You and James are in a pattern that is very unhealthy for both of you.
You state that his actions make you afraid and basically you present us with the scenario of 'if only he hadn't done this or that everything would be fine'.
In your mind that is absolutely true.

It is the same reasoning that battering men use.
You made me hit you.

The issue is that when certain things trigger you, you become out of control.
By your own admission at that point you can not be reasoned with.
Your thinking is not reasonable nor rational... which means that your perceptions of what is going on are likely very inaccurate.
It isn't that you aren't telling the truth... it is that because of your irrationality, you are responding to bad internal information... kind of like when an error message comes up on your computer.
Faulty input equals faulty data equals faulty conclusion.

You are missing a few important things:

1) You talk about James scaring you.
You are not thinking about the fact that you are scaring James.

2) James has his own issues that are no less valid than yours.
So to use your argument that your issues are causing you to react to him in a bad way as an excuse, would mean that his issues can cause him to react to your reactions in a bad way (which in fact they probably do) and it is ok because it is not his fault.


3) Regardless of the reason, neither of you has the right to hit the other. Not a tap, not a bump. It is not right, no matter what the circumstance, to put your hands on each other. This includes throwing things in the general direction of; even if you miss...even if you aim to miss... or tapping each other with an object.
It is not acceptable behavior.
Period.

It is physical abuse.
Either of you/both of you could be arrested.

Because of these issues, it would be in both of your best interest if you did not live together and probably not see one another for awhile.
It is not safe.
It is dangerous.
You both need to work on your own mental health issues individually.

You may love each other but right now, the mutually inappropriate behaviors indicate that it is not a healthy kind of love.

Getting into whose fault it is is a distraction from the problem.
It doesn't matter whose fault it is.
Whose fault it is or isn't doesn't change the fact that this is a bad situation for everybody.
Whose fault it is is a distraction from your individual actions.

When he pisses you off, you are still responsible for your actions and behaviors.
Since you feel you are not able to be, then you need to be apart for awhile at least.

quote:

Maybe I can move back into the house or something cause going in patient isn't going to work for me, I already know it's not and him moving out isn't going to work for him either, since he cant afford to live on his own, maybe we can see if he can get work in petaluma, and go spend some time with his friend or maybe I can go to a friends house to get away from the situation for a while.

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ORIGINAL: calamitysandra

Right now, you are a mentally and physically ill, codependent abuser, making every excuse under the sun to avoid taking responsibility.

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ORIGINAL: barelynangel

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Maybe I can move back into the house or something cause going in patient isn't going to work for me, I already know it's not and him moving out isn't going to work for him either, since he cant afford to live on his own, maybe we can see if he can get work in petaluma, and go spend some time with his friend or maybe I can go to a friends house to get away from the situation for a while.

Tfb THIS IS AWESOME decision making.  You are making decisions to HELP not hinder the situation.    But i am goin to say one thing --- your boyfriend is how old?   YOU shouldn't be required to stay in a bad situation because he is incapable at his age of affording to live on his own.   YOU are NOT responsible for him, he is an adult.   I am not saying kick him to the streets but give him a certain amount of time to make other arrangements, while you live in the house.  This situation doesn't require you to remain in a dangerous situation because he can't afford to live on his own -- honestly, as cold as it sounds, its not your problem at this point and decision of moving apart.  He is what in his 30s?   Seriously, TfB, don't allow guilt to make you stay in a bad situation.

angel

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ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead

quote:

ORIGINAL: calamitysandra

Right now, you are a mentally and physically ill, codependent abuser, making every excuse under the sun to avoid taking responsibility.

And there you have it...