SDFemDom4cuck
Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline
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Nihilus.
But, does everyone need to go through the same coping mechanisms you used?
I'm simply stating what worked for me and my personal experience and relationship with surviving this type of trauma. What worked for me may or may not work for others. Obviously I wouldn't have brought up the fact that I was attacked if I was uncomfortable discussing it especially in a public forum where thousands (ok maybe not) of people can view it. I'm not ashamed of what happened because it had nothing to do with me personally. It was utterly and completely out of my control and yes I take some semblance of responsibility for what happened to me in a sense. I was in a place I shouldn't have been and not as careful as I've learned to be. All I can do is tell my side of it. What someone gains or learns from it is up to them.
And if someone uses a mechanisms that empowers them on an intelletual level but still gives them freedom to act otherwise normally in situations with similar dynamics, wo9uld you not consider that they may have an idea that makes more personallty better sense? The key word there is if and from the sound of the OP's post I would say she has not even begun to deal with the trauma she underwent. I would even go so far as to posit that she perhaps was using the relationship (in the beginning) as a way to avoid the reality of what she went through. Gaining control of a situation to deal with one in which she had none. Not unlike my choice of taking shooting lessons, arming myself and taking defense classes in order to be able to take control of the situation should I find myself in it ever again.
Again, I'm not saying scars don't stay with someone...but it also doesn't mean that we are forever moved and puppeteered by our scars. Honestly, I have no place to even begin to compare anything in my life to the horror of being raped, but I can't imagine a healing process that simultaneously demands that the victim be forever manacled wby what happened to them. And this still bring up the gray area question of when we allow sufferers of such atrocities to be permitted the right to consent (normally) again. The healing process only goes so far. Again, I am not the same person that I was prior to the attack. I never will be. That goes far beyond the physical scars I see in the mirror on a daily basis. You also cannot possibly imagine trying to heal when you have such daily reminders.
I have no problems with the suggestion that I have not suffered rape (as I have not). I also do not presume to be emotionally privy to what it must be like emotionally. But, we are again dealing with a question of what the effects are of severe emotional trauma. And we are specifically only dealing with whether previous victims can ever be considered capable, on any normal level, of consensual relationship decisions. If it is in error, I apologize, but I'll the context of your words to mean you have suffered through such an event. that would be correct because I stated as much. At what point, then, did you feel you were personally capable of consenting to decision in a romantic aspect again? I never felt I wasn't capable. But then I dealt with my trauma with counseling and a great deal self reflection. Did I make some stupid choices after the rape. Yes, I did. Do I associate those choices with the attack? I didn't at the time, again after some reflection I do now. However I never personally felt I wasn't capable. Regardless of whether I was or wasn't. How would you suggest we treat those who have suffered similar tragedies? Like any other human being...not with pity but with empathy and compassion. And, at what point are we constricting them (more than helping them) by suggesting that they can never 'really' be over the horrible events that happened to them? I'm not suggesting it. I'm stating that it is a fact. I, nor anyone else who has been through an assault, can ever erase that it happened. It does not define me, it is simply a fact of my life and an experience I have been through. I cannot make it undone. I cannot change it. It is simply a part of who I am. The sum of my experiences are what make me who I am today. While I will not ever be "over" it, I can choose how I allow it to control my life. I can choose to live in fear or I can choose to move past it. I can choose to let it consume me by not dealing with the trauma or I can choose to get counseling and learn to live with the situation.
Then lets accused him of being foolish and stupid, to begin with. "Manipulator" implies further motive. I mean, technically we're all manipulators in relationship, every time we accept a partner's compromise on any issue. If his mistake was to presume she could capably consent to what was being requested, I fail to see how that's necessarily any affirmative proof of active manipulation. Perhaps indicative, yes. But I still have a very firm view of the traditional "innocent until proven guilty'" mindset when it comes to such accusations. Or he purposely chose her because she was vulnerable and able to be manipulated more easily than someone else into the situation as described. Yes, I'm a manipulator. Obviously I manipulate my sub into accepting the fact that I won't be monogamous in order to have a relationship with me. (I'm a cuckoldress). I will fully admit my manipulations to that extent. However, My manipulations are not illegal nor would they put either of us in jail for illegal acts outside of some blue laws regarding sodomy. As far as I recall the OP is not in Nevada, therefore the act of prostitution is an illegal act. So if it sounds like a manipulation, looks like a manipulation, and is indicative of manipulation....is it not simply possible it is in fact manipulation?
So...(please feel free to ask me to secede from this particular discussion if it becomes to personal. I'm only really concerned with the most objective facts we can discover) do you still feel your relationship deicions are compromised by the event? How do you discern between ones which you are and aren't capable of consenting to? Do you feel comfortable projecting your own answers onto the decisions of others? Obviously it's far past personal. If I didn't feel like answering the questions I simply wouldn't. My relationship decisions aren't compromised by the event. I can't project my answers into the decisions of others. While it may seem as though I'm being the voice of reason and sensibility in regard to this particular trauma, I can only discuss my experience with it as both a survivor and an advocate for 20 years. Anyone else is free to discuss their experience with it as well. The only decisions I find compromised (not the best choice of words) by my experience would be in that I don't put myself into situations that may be dangerous. Most of which would appear to be common sense but when young and seemingly invincible may not seem necessary.
_____________________________
Ms Jo
She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -
I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.
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RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute - 
Profile
learned from it). Thankfully, my situation didn't get quite as bad as the OPs but it was going that direction, and I would have been in her place if I hadn't got out. The thing is, that (as I think I remember her pointing out early in the thread) that it happens little by little. The small increments trick you along. Also, going by her age, I would gather this was probably her first D/s experience (I also think she mentioned that it was- sorry I'm too tired to go back and reread, forgive me if I misquote). The thing I remember is that (it was also my first D/s experience) you really don't know what "normal" is anymore when you first enter the lifestyle. So much of one's preconceived ideas are challenged. Things that no longer phase one and so seem quite ordinary, to a newbie are very odd. When my dominant at that time first asked me to shave my pussy, I found it bizarre! Poly was unheard of. His infatuation with school girls worried me... then you get online and find out it's all quite common and your sense of red flags just gets all confused. Now you don't know whether he's a guy with a like for school girl fantasies or a pedophile. When you start questioning all the things that you used to take for granted as red flags, it is really hard to watch out for yourself. You read about what a slave should be, and he wants you to do things. At first they are small, so you do them no problem. Then they get harder, but still small enough not to be so huge that you freak out, so you tell yourself it's pushing your limits and that's normal. It's really really hard to distinguish the line between abuse and D/s when you are new. I was not even young- I was in my 30s when I was officially introduced to the lifestyle and I would have hoped had some life experience to guide me. But I didn't. I believed what I read about the ideal Master slave relationship. That a dominant would nurture and protect you and that when he said he loved me, he meant it. I thought we had something deep but I was just a play thing. I fell for it hook line and sinker. He did a lot of damage to my life and emotionally to me. Then it was hard to leave... why because leaving would have involved admitting that he didn't love me, that it was all a lie and that I'd been used and been stupid. Somehow, we just don't want to believe that. And when we have moments when we are close to believing it, and we confront him in words or in our journals, they usually find all the right things to say to smooth it over and leave you feeling like you were having some hormonal thing or some sub-drop thing, and you dismiss it again... this goes on and on and on over and over until finally some catalyst comes to change things hopefully and you finally say enough. 
The patting on the back is always warm & fuzzy. 
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