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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 5:17:52 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: elleX

Screaming,
i beleive our need to be owned and disciplined to my point is an expression of our eager to please ,our need to belong and to relate to someone ,,,
Maybe that need is stronger than the average women,, who know
but what worries me is that you wont indulge yourself because of your desire ,, i think you are at risk of putting yourself down and damaging your selfrespect if you dont come to a positive view of your need

I will say it now if french,, because i want to be sure i wrote what i wanted to say ,, and i welcome anybody that will correct me
* Screaming , je crois que notre besoin d'apparatenance et d'etre disciplinée est une expression de notre besoin de plaire,d'etre en lien ,avec une autre personne,, Il s'agit peut etre d'un besoin plus grand que la moyenne des femmes , ,, qui sait
ce qui m'inquiete surtout c'est que tu ne vas pas te laisser de chance , , que tu risque de te rabaisser et diminuer ton estime de toi ,, si tu n'arrives pas a avoir une image positive de tes besoins
voila

elleX you said it all perfectly correctly in English

Justme.... I wholeheartedly agree

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 12/24/2009 5:20:28 AM >

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(in reply to elleX)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 5:58:06 AM

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if im reading the OP right, youre afraid of repeating history within a lifestyle that talks openly and randomly about 'abuse' as a descriptive of what we do.

lamb to the slaughter and all that. couldnt be further from the truth., but...,

you have to be aware of what you are ready to accept to start with.

maybe it would be a help for me to share the things that would be a trigger for me due to past abuse:

* being slapped around the face
* play rape
* being pushed, kicked, punched
* hands around my throat

those are my triggers and i will always mention them as places we just cant go to.

as for the feeling that youll inevitably land up in an abusive relationship here too. it isnt so. it hasnt happened to me. i can honestly say that all of my vanilla relationships were abusive, either emotionally, physically or psychologically but i believe that a great part of that abuse was due to the fact that my submissive nature was misenterpreted as 'doormat' - respect and understanding of my personality type failed to register with them, it ended up with the men thinking i was an easy push around.

here the guys want you to be who you are, theyll understand you and support youre problems. but, there are abusers lurking everywhere. its down to you to be discriminating.

instead of being pessimistic about this, have faith and belief in youreself that history will not repeat itself here. be choosy, be careful, relax and enjoy youreself.

if youre lucky and find a safe pair of hands all of this will seem a long long time ago.

_____________________________

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(in reply to allthatjaz)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 6:01:22 AM

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I have known some subs who had previously entered into abusive relationships because they were seeking to get their pain needs met and did not know there was a way to have their masochism fulfilled inside of a healthy relationship. Is this you? Are you in need of pain play? Because if so, perhaps that is why you chose such relationships in the past.

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(in reply to osf)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 6:15:43 AM

osf

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I have known some subs who had previously entered into abusive relationships because they were seeking to get their pain needs met and did not know there was a way to have their masochism fulfilled inside of a healthy relationship. Is this you? Are you in need of pain play? Because if so, perhaps that is why you chose such relationships in the past.

hear hear

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 6:47:45 AM

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The only abusive relationship I have ever experienced was with my exMaster that I ended a few years ago. It was suggested that I go to counseling to "deprogram".....I went for a few months and it seemed all I did was ventilate and talk of the relationship, and how i felt, but no direction or steps offered to get out of my "funk" were offered. I also attended a victim of domestic violence group that was mandated by the court. I have to say, that group helped me more than any therapist could. I had no idea how under his control I still was and how, even after some pretty hideous times, that I felt the need to defend and almost protect him. I stayed out of relationships for a long time to sort things out in my head. The greatest lesson I was given there was the signs of an abusive person, and I must admit, that it has already guided me in meeting others. I may have fallen into a similar trap had it not been for that group. I urge anyone who has had any form of abuse to attend that type of group near you. It is a real learning experience, and so helpful.
Here I am a few years later.....knowing who I am, what I seek, and realizing that I am a submissive....it is a part of me that no one will ever take advantage of, and with the knowledge of knowing now, the telltale signs of a controlling, manipulating, abusive person.
Its amazing how you can have your life so together, and get caught up in such a web without realizing it. I may have gone back to him if it had not been for that group. They helped in more ways than I mention here.

(in reply to osf)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 7:51:39 AM

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Sorry to hear about this subangi but does your ex really deserve the title of Master?

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(in reply to subangi)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 7:54:36 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Screaming

I am new to this lifestyle and I have a very extensive abuse histroy. I often worry that my desire to be ownwed means I secretly enjoyed the abuse. Other times i'm very uren there is a difference.....experience anyone ?

Being in this "lifesyle" has ZERO to do with abuse! You DO NOT have to put up with lying, cheating, or abuse to be in this "lifestyle"

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(in reply to Screaming)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 7:59:36 AM

osf

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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

quote:

ORIGINAL: Screaming

I am new to this lifestyle and I have a very extensive abuse histroy. I often worry that my desire to be ownwed means I secretly enjoyed the abuse. Other times i'm very uren there is a difference.....experience anyone ?

Being in this "lifesyle" has ZERO to do with abuse! You DO NOT have to put up with lying, cheating, or abuse to be in this "lifestyle"

but it's the only way i can attract women

(in reply to breatheasone)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 8:17:45 AM

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: happylittlepet

After abuse there are often boundary issues where it is not clear what one wants for oneself and what one is willing to do to please someone else. A D/s or M/s relationship is based on that desire of the s to please the dominant partner. This is why it is so easy for a victim of abuse to be revictimized if this is not understood. If one is lucky enough to find a partner who is willing to work out those boundary problems, this will lead to greater trust and understanding. One can work part of this out by oneself, but actually practicing it is a totally different ball game.

Then, as I said, she should be refraining from any relationship, if she is incapable from keeping herself and her emotions in check.

Trying to sidestep into a short-term lease on a vanilla relationship isn't going to do anything but create more issues. What is she going to tell this potential partner? "Well, see...I want a D/s relationship but don't think I'm ready for one now, so I'm renting you as a partner until I feel better about the events in my past and can move on to someone I'd actually be more compatible with."? Unless someone is actively willing to play her therapeutic partner for a short period of time or unless she is lying by omission about this being the case, I don't see how this does her any good.

And while a vanilla relationship may indeed be less likely to offer up instances of physical play that could trigger memories, her predisposition to want to "please someone else" is no less dangerous in a vanilla situation than a D/s one.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 12/24/2009 8:18:54 AM >

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(in reply to happylittlepet)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 8:32:30 AM

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No pain play and abuse i believe are different

(in reply to osf)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 8:34:07 AM

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Thank you i really needed to kinow there was a difference.

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 8:36:19 AM

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Joined: 12/23/2009
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Your piece about a safe pair of hands hit the right chord yes thats it .I just wanted to know if there was a chance I could find that.

(in reply to lally2)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 8:37:55 AM

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Thank you I hear respect is a part of this

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 8:40:23 AM

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thank you for your honesty I didnt know this was a public forum but I am appreciating the feedback. Yours feels very real. I dont want to be an emotional bomb anymore.

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 8:42:35 AM

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Ok so consent makes the difference

(in reply to tsatske)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 8:44:26 AM

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i have done that group this is my graduation present to myself

(in reply to subangi)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 9:17:58 AM

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Yes I know to be careful . I also know I need this to heal.

(in reply to happylittlepet)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 9:20:43 AM

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trying to find a way out of the catchh 22 is like going down Allices rabbitt hole

(in reply to happylittlepet)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 9:22:16 AM

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This I understand and I suspect is true Thank you

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/24/2009 4:10:12 PM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Screaming

I often worry that my desire to be ownwed means I secretly enjoyed the abuse. Other times i'm very uren there is a difference.....experience anyone ?

Get to know and meet some established couples. Get an impression of how their dynamic works without getting involved. That way, you'll have more of an idea of what it's about. More realistic expectations. And if you still find it interesting, you can look around for someone that's compatible with you and the two of you can give it a shot, slowly.

As for whether there's any relationship to the abuse, I couldn't say. In fact, while a lot of people will have opinions on that, there's probably noone out there that has any solid grounds for commenting one way or the other. I would briefly speculate that a predator is good at spotting prey, and that prey is rarely good at getting rid of predators. Some of us have some of the instincts of the predator, coupled with empathy and the instincts of the protector. As DarkSteven pointed out, intentions matter. And if the intentions are good, I see no reason to care whether your desires are related to the abuse or not.

Abuse is a heavy cross to bear, and all too often it is a case of the abused carrying the abuser's cross. If that is the case for you, put it down. Stop asking yourself if there's anything about you that had a part in what happened; it just doesn't matter whether or not there is. Stop distrusting yourself and your desires. Recognizing that the doubts you have about yourself might be part of how the abuse happened in the first place is a bold step in the direction of healing those wounds. Just spend enough time with people in healthy relationships to learn to tell the difference between a predator that will eat you and one that will not. Learn how to take precautions, and go looking for someone with good intentions and who is preferrably sensitive to the issues that linger after abuse.

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to Screaming)

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