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RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman


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RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 9:32:26 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam
This may sound very un-subbie of me, but like you, I call bull shit when I see it. This IS a bdsm dating/meeting site, the overwhelming majority of females dress highly provocatively to say the least, and we live in a world where sex sells everything. Do I like it? Absolutely not, nor am I one of those who's main focus in life is sex. However, it gets very old indeed when so many femdoms whine and complain about sub males seeing them first and foremost as a sex object when they represent themselves as such through the pics on their profiles, and upon meeting in real life. I'm not saying ALL femdoms, but of the 6 that I've met from this site in real time, all but two have wanted to have some form of sex on our first meeting. (Touching each others private parts and stimulating to orgasm constitutes sex in my book) While many might dress to pleasure themselves, they are lying to themselves if they think they aren't instigating a sexual reaction form others.Even little fifth grade girls know this.......

From my expereinces, the femdoms I've been with (with intent to have ltr) have had the power right from the beginning. I have never(except once-because she told me she was going to fuck me lol) met a prospective Domme with the expectation of having sex on the first meeting, however once in a relationship as a couple, I don't think it's wrong or unfair to state that I desire to have sex with my woman and to be desired sexually by her.... Yet for some strange reason, they usually seem to cave in to their own desires and call it "doing something for me", and later on blaming me for the fact they sacrificed their own integrity and rules. I have never tried to force myself on any woman, nor will I ever, but obviously will never turn down an opportunity to have sex in a new relationship once a connection is established. A while back, I was even given sex 2 of the first three nights, constantly talked with about buying sexual toys and having many sexual conversations, and taken to an adult toy store to buy stuff, and then after a week passed by without any sex/play of any kind,  I inquired why, and stated my needs and then -WAS CALLED A SEX ADDICT!  WTF????

My point is this Lady Pact, for the majority of men and even a lot of the women here, bdsm IS about sexually expressing the dominance and submission that we crave in our lives, yet somehow it's wrong when a sub-male reacts to it.(exactly as femdoms know we will)  Women and men both dress,work out, use make up, play, scene and do a myraid of ther things to ensure they are seen to be as sexy as possible by others in the lifestyle. And at the very least, Femdoms KNOW THIS, and if they were truly that worried about being seen in this light, they would keep the sexy attire for use around the home, and stop posting their sexy pics here on a public forum. And the females would police each others attire to ensure a change of their image, rather than belittle sub men for simply reacting naturally to the stimulation the females offer. Females have the power to change these false perceptions, yet they find it far easier to blame the sub-males and call us wankers..............Like Femdoms can find vanilla men, we sub males can find bossy bitchy females all over the place in the vanilla world. Finding a true female dominant who likes to sexually express as such is the hardest part, and a rare find indeed. I have no judgment regarding females dressing sexy, in fact I like like it,  but I DO see it for what it is, and resent being called a sex addict or wanker for giving females the response they invoke.



Without realizing it, I think what you are saying here goes directly to the matter that part of the OP was basing the discussion on.  Automatically, you have taken the liberty of assuming that female Dominants as specifically doing what they do to cater to the submissive male's ideas of catering to their fetishes and/or sexual desires.  Even going so far as to assuming why 'most' people have the pics on their profiles that they do and what their motivation is for being here.  One might even go so far as to say that you've proved the epitamy of the point of how female Dominants have been viewed by some sub males as nothing but to be seen as fetish providers, simply because of the way they prefer to dress at public events.

Quite frankly, this reminds Me of the tactic that is often used when it comes to defending those who would sexually assault women.  Just look how she was dressed!  She obviously wanted to be sexually attractive and the poor male was just giving her what she wanted.  He couldn't help himself because her clothing was so provocative.  What was she doing in public with that outfit anyway?  It's bull in those situations and it's bull here.

There is no need for females to 'police' each other's attire.  Heck, I'd probably laugh at any woman who tried to tell Me that it wasn't appropriate to wear a corset to a BDSM club or event.  That's where I bought the stuff to wear in the first place because I like it.  By the way, the pics on My profile reflect this.  All but one of them were taken at public and/or parties or events. 

If you chose to make your assumptions about the conclusion you draw about why Dommes post the pics they do, feel free.  However, when one of us comes along to tell you that you are wrong about at least one of us, don't throw a fit because we've done so.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Underumam)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 9:43:26 AM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Personally, I think people are free to wear whatever they want.
No one is saying they can't.

What I am saying, and I can only speak for myself, is this.
There are men and women that are sex addicts, porn addicts and fetish addicts.
Many men are visual creatures, and many think with their dicks.

We are free to wear whatever we like, we are free to put up whatever pictures we like.
When we are approached by people that misinterpret what we are about, we are then free
to correct them.
I still feel that many women often present themselves one way, and are quick to get angry about the attention they get.
I work with women that wear very tight revealing clothes, then are always upset that men are commenting on how they look or showing interest.
I try to tell them in a nice way, that perhaps they are getting that attention based on the way they are presenting themselves.
These women like to pretend they don't understand why men approach them a certain way, but at 40 I think they are not really that clueless.
Some of the clothes they wear, I can't help but stare at, and I often don't bother hiding when I am looking, and I am a woman.

I agree LadyPact that people should not be judged by appearances, but I just can't think of many instances on-line and in the real world, where that is not true.
Here is an examle, I am home washing clothes, if I decide to change and put on daisy dukes and a halter top, I would get a lot more attention from the painters in the hall, and others in my building, when I go put my clothes in the dryer.
When I go to the store soon, if I take off my coat and go in the store with a low cut halter dress on, I really would expect to get a certain amount of attention.

I am just puzzled by women that wear revealing or suggestive clothing that get bent out of shape or surprised by the comments they get, from random men on the internet or in the real world.
We can just not control what others think of the way we chose to present ourselves: good, bad, naughty, suggestive, sterotypical or indifferent.
I see many women and men online that look like walking stereotypes, I may not know them personally, but they look like a sterotype from a BDSM, fetish, sex or porn magazine. 
They have every right to dress this way, but I think many freely provide, fuel and feed the frenzy.

< Message edited by VeryMercurial -- 12/31/2009 10:14:27 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 9:44:19 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		First, I loved your post :-) Thanks!

quote:

ORIGINAL: CarrieO
I was confused because up until that point, I felt I was feminine...albeit, in my own way.


There are so amy ways to be and view feminity. You have to do it your way!!

quote:

Fast forward to this past spring...meeting with a young male sub who told me he was disappointed I didn't show up to our coffee shop date in something more "domme-like". I wish someone had told me there was a dress code requirement.


Oh I was recently told that I was too angelic looking and adorable. Damn, but that was "lure the unsuspecting" trademark!! Ha ha ha!

quote:

Would I take the time to help a man let go of this fetish-driven headspace if I felt he had more to offer? I've tried once and I don't know if I have it in me to do it again.

That is what I fear. I know all relationships take personal investments, but we have to sort of try to predict what might be the return on our investment. Too often I've helped a guy get his shit together, he is so grateful and takes a time out to reflect on his growth, work on himself and he marries the next woman that comes along. Ugh!!

quote:

It would depend on the man and the level of attraction/commitment on both our parts and whether or not he was willing to think outside of the box.
 
I loooooove men who can think outside the box and impress me with their creative, critical and analytical thinking.

quote:

Sometimes these images/ideals are so deeply ingrained that it can be like working with an addictive personality.

True. I've seen that before. That is why I don't date men who have really strong fetishes, you know the ones who always seem to zero in on things like your feet or wearing panties all the time. I want them to focus on me, not their fetish.

quote:

Of course, I prefer the "outside of the box" type of male who doesn't need to fit society's image of the GQ/Maxim/yuppie man.

This is where we have to be careful not to judge a book by it's cover. I like the look of the urban gentleman, well groomed and classy. That doesn't mean he has to be a sheep in his mind.

quote:

If that means being single because I don't fit this image of feminine perfection or bitch in heels...that works for me.

Life's too short to conform.

Well I don't think that you will be single because you don't fit an image of feminine perfection. We all know that not all men are that shallow.

And life might be too short to conform. But for me, it's also too short to stand idly by and not do anything to find the relationship that will make me happy.

quote:

I don't know if any of that helps, makes sense or is so far out in left field that you're shaking your head and wondering who is this person and why is she posting on my thread?  This is a great topic and I'm enjoying reading all the responses.


I think it was an awesome response :-) Thanks!

- LA


_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to CarrieO)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 9:55:01 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

To the submissive men, have you ever felt torn about this? Have you ever honestly felt you were over fetishizing a Domme? Why do you think that was? How did you work through this? If applicable, how did a Domme help you work through this?


No. No, I've never felt the least bit  torn about this, or conflicted in any way. Rather the opposite, if anything. The standard fetishized domme, with the leather corset and the spike-heeled boots, is about as attractive to me as a barbie doll. There's absolutely nothing about that that I find appealing, and I never have. I have, however, met some women who happened to be attractive when dressed that way, because there was just something about the way they wore the outfits that seemed to naturally suit them, but that was more happenstance than anything else. Almost without exception, I find typical fetish gear to be so unattractive it's actually a huge turnoff. And the stereotypical "bitch goddess" ice domme? Given a choice between spending an evening with her and staying home and watching television, I'll stay home and watch television every time. And i hate television.

What I "fetishize" is real human beings. Women who flop around the house on a Saturday morning in torn jeans, a T-shirt, and fluffy cotton socks. Women who giggle. Women who worry about silly things. Women who like to cuddle. Women who screech when they see a mouse, and then get embarrassed about it because they think you're going to think they're silly. Women who cry when their week sucks and want you to hold them when they do. Women who apologize if they think they made a mistake. Women who need me to help them open a jar or assemble a bookcase, who admit they're just not very good at that stuff, and don't care who knows it. Women who feel terribly when they find a baby bird who fell out of its nest. Women who are real human beings, with real feelings and real personalities, who know who they are and like who they are, who want me to like who they are and worry that maybe I don't just as much as i want them to like who I am and just as much as I worry that they don't.

Real people. That's all I've ever fetishized. Because all I'm interested in is a healthy, functional relationship, and you can't have one of those without real people. I can't even begin to get my mind wrapped around "fetishizing" a woman based on a stereotype, and I never have been able to. It's totally over my head. Always has been.



Panda, someday, you are going to make some woman think she has found the treasure of a life time. And she will be right.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 9:57:51 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

My way of dealing with it without success and with, has been to not deal with those who come to me with kinky intentions or go vanilla with an open mind and responses to kinky things. lol I am letting people know here on CM that if kink or bdsm is their focus before anything else; I am not interested.


For what it's worth, Lockit, nor am I.  For god's sake, what's the point?  Life is too short to piddle around with half-witted fantasists.  If I want fantasy women, I'll invent them in my head.  My imagination produces the best fantasy women for me; real life produces the best real life women for me.  It's horses for courses, that's all. 

Vaguely related:  I've developed my own, personal little test for the Right Domme for Me.  It's simple: I read her profile - and her posts here - and think, "Could I imagine tickling her in the ribs without her getting arsy about it?"  If the answer's 'no' - then, well, she'll be an irredeemable fantasist as far as I'm concerned - some puffed-up fart-for-brains who's actually come to believe that she's the 'Queen' and 'Goddess' that so many peabrained malesubs have been telling her she is for so many years. 



/banter alert/

I am not ticklish, but I do make a snorking noise when the right persons try to tickle me anyway!

</banter

~FR~

A lady in my area says that she has NEVER met a man in the bdsm zone who sees her for HERSELF, she is only a dominant. At first I thought, nah, can't be true... but it is. My own sub sees me that way. I am the DOMINANT, and the "me" behind it is just not as important as what I represent. Of course, that is the hurdle that will keep him from EVER being owned by me, but there ya go.

I love my fetish fashions. I hardly ever wear them. I wear what I feel COMFORTABLE in at that particular time. I am myself, and that will have to do. I don't have it in me to compromise myself for someone else's fantasy. When I was a pro dominant, that was the order of the day---and I guess that's why I recommend professionals to the uber-wankers.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 10:10:18 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Panda, someday, you are going to make some woman think she has found the treasure of a life time. And she will be right.


I second that emotion.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 10:10:53 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Yeah, Panda, make up your freakin mind and pick one of us already!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 10:13:21 AM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Yeah, Panda, make up your freakin mind and pick one of us already!


Panda does seem to get it right.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 10:23:05 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I don’t feel that a man who gets turned on by women is a wanker or sex addict. There has to be far more to it than simply being turned on and expressing it within some sort of relationship. I will consider someone a wanker if they only look at sexual things and objectify those who may be dressed in a manner that one might consider sexy and they don’t see a person, but a sex object and there isn’t an established relationship. A sex addict may be different in my opinion and will have more than a desire and a request to do sexual things with a partner. They might look at porn a lot and do other things outside of their relationship and of course sex or kinky things take a priority over other people and they might show some disrespect for those they are involved with.

Within some sort of relationship, I believe there should be a lot of talk and playful things. Because I might not do something the way my man wants things done in a moment, doesn’t mean I am not going to do them. It may mean that I have a special plan or event planned and am in the course of bringing that about. I could be building up the desire to a place I wish it to go so that the special moment I have planned will be even more exciting.

Of course I cannot read his mind and before I might know him sexually and a lot of time has passed, I am sure things could go sour and not be understood. That is why I talk to him about it all. Sex isn’t just a physical thing to me and there must be emotional and mental things that are done to bring a wholeness to it all and some kinky excitement to my final goals for the moment or long term. There are typically reasons I do all that I do. If I tease a man for a week and plan a major blow out of tantalizing kinky and sexual things, is that a bad thing? LOL I explain what I am doing all along to some degree… even tease him and let him know that a certain day is coming… aren’t you hungry my love? Many men love that and the men I have been with have loved it immensely. But I guess with some, this might not be a turn on and they might think differently or even send off mixed messages because one moment they want it and the next they want something else or are impatient to get to things they haven’t had with me before.

I discuss it all, even in a new relationship before there is anything going on at all, because I discuss how I might do things as a woman and a dominant. I will discuss my plans with my partner, but I may not tell him every aspect of them. I think he needs to temper himself and understand that he is going to get it and get it good… in time. If he cannot allow me part of my kink in teasing him and building that hunger as well as the relationship, then we are a mismatch for sure!

If all else is working well in a relationship, I don’t see any reason that one should be denied if they are with me. People see my nickname and think chastity and that I will play that way. My nickname doesn’t have anything to do with chastity. It was part of a nickname I have used since I first went online for vanilla things. I believe in having sex often and my partner is free to approach me when he wants a lil. I am sure that my nickname confuses people and I rarely would get mad at someone for being confused about it. I would explain it unless he was blatantly insulting about something. So I am sure that in different situations, there could be some confusion on what something looks like to one and what it actually is.

So there is a difference between being in a relationship or not with the wanker and sex addict stuff for me. They are very different situations. There is a difference between how one might look to one and how they look to another and what constitutes sexual things to whatever degree. Because I look sexy, does that mean I am willing to fuck just anybody? Is it wrong to look sexy? I don’t often dress up, but I do think I can look sexy in just about anything, to the right person. My clothing isn’t an invitation to treat me like a whore with no mind or any other worth. No more than my comfy clothes mean I am not sexy! LOL



_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to VeryMercurial)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 10:42:32 AM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		LadyA, I just re-read your post again in great detail.
How do I handle and prevent being the victim of people's fetishes, fantasies, hidden agenda's,
etc.
I don't cater to them or play into it at all.
I don't talk about kink in the beginning, I talk about who we are as people.
I let them know that we will not be discussing anything remotely sexual, fetish/BDSM related,
what they want, need, desire, dream about, or were born to do, until I get to know them as a human
being and as a person, to my satisfaction.

This always eliminates about 90% since many don't want to go any further if not
allowed to endulge or chat about their fetishes and fantasies for a few days or emails.
Many find it down right impossible.
So it is not hard for me at all, it is rather easy.  
They can't do what I block and do not allow or permit.

< Message edited by VeryMercurial -- 12/31/2009 10:47:20 AM >

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 10:45:37 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

There is a difference between how one might look to one and how they look to another and what constitutes sexual things to whatever degree. Because I look sexy, does that mean I am willing to fuck just anybody? Is it wrong to look sexy? I don’t often dress up, but I do think I can look sexy in just about anything, to the right person. My clothing isn’t an invitation to treat me like a whore with no mind or any other worth. No more than my comfy clothes mean I am not sexy! LOL


Exactly!

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 10:47:00 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I don't talk about kink in the beginning, I talk about who we are as people.


Who I am as a person is in part a dominant woman and a sadist, so I think it's important to talk about this in the beginning. That and a whole bunch of other things. I do however appreciate it when a man can keep the kink part in perspective.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to VeryMercurial)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 10:49:26 AM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

I don't talk about kink in the beginning, I talk about who we are as people.


Who I am as a person is in part a dominant woman and a sadist, so I think it's important to talk about this in the beginning. That and a whole bunch of other things. I do however appreciate it when a man can keep the kink part in perspective.

- LA


That is the difference between us, I need to like and know you as a human being before
I want or care to know about your kinks.
I just wanted to share what works for me.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 11:36:13 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryMercurial
I just wanted to share what works for me.

And I appreciate this :-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to VeryMercurial)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 11:52:27 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

There is a difference between how one might look to one and how they look to another and what constitutes sexual things to whatever degree. Because I look sexy, does that mean I am willing to fuck just anybody? Is it wrong to look sexy? I don’t often dress up, but I do think I can look sexy in just about anything, to the right person. My clothing isn’t an invitation to treat me like a whore with no mind or any other worth. No more than my comfy clothes mean I am not sexy! LOL


Exactly!

- LA

Yep, and that goes for comfy clothes, leather attire, silk, satin, or lace.

Saying that anyone has the right to justify their own concept of fetishinizing (is that a word?  lol) because of what someone chooses to wear has no credibility.

Saying that anyone should conform to a certain criteria of attire to avoid this, is doing nothing but allowing others to control them.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 12:07:21 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I agree Lady Pact! My first husband used to say... Lockit, stop smiling! Why? I ask. Because men think you are too friendly and think you are coming on to them. Say what?????! But you know... he was right. That wasn't going to stop me from smiling, but I did find that a smile was an invitation to some men and boy... they were hard-on ridin into the fast lane and my personal space! lol

I may wish to present as attractive when I go out and about and I may put on some make up or fingernail polish or perfume. Some believe red fingernail polish means a whore... from the old days... but surprisingly... some still to this day think that way. Oh she is all dressed up with her make up done... wearing a suit for business... and man is she hot... she is on the prowl! I got that even during speaches and the men would surround me afterwards. Any time an article was run with my picture, my three phones rang constantly and I had people.. okay... men at each of the doors to the shelter volunteering to take me shopping for the house. Excuse me... what part of anything I did, meant I invited a personal anything with you?

How someone views something is often not what is presented. How we look can mean different things to different people. And god... I remember going to court on rape cases where the woman was totally destroyed because she had on a fucking mini skirt and invited the shit head somehow!

If a man can't handle his turn on... or hard on and can't temper himself in a world of media that shows far more than Cher got condemned for... then it is his problem.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 1:34:42 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		Lady Angelika

It is a thought provoking post You have written. And to be honest ... i really do not have a specific answer for You ... and certainly not the one big bang that answers all of the questions.

In fact ... the more i think about this ... the more questions i come up with ... LOL

Before i begin ... the first question that popped into my head about the depiction of the Dominant Woman ... is that this depiction is nothing more than a subset of how Women are presented in general .... after all doesn't the popular media often glamorize Women as sex objects ... even in vanilla venues?

And doesn't a great deal of media focus on the lowest common denominator ... men's adolescent sexual fantasies ... to sell products to Women? (And men?)

If You believe there is some truth to this perspective ... than i suggest the answer is buried somewhere in the word maturity ... or emotional maturity ... or to steal Abraham Maslow ... self actualization.

As i look back on my life experience, as well as my understanding of the Dominant and submissive lifestyle, i do see a growth that somehow parallels the maturation process.

In the beginning, (i was, and am single) it was the Pro Domme, in all the fetish get up and (commercial) sex appeal. And when vanilla dating ... it was the little cutie with the low cut, revealing blouse and body that turned men's heads ... i suggest this is the same phenomena. Just representative of different social environments. And evident of my lack of maturity ....

But over the years, i discovered this was a hollow and shallow experience ... that something was missing ... that learning to value the person you are with ... was far more meaningful and rewarding.

Believe it or not ... over the past decade ... i have dated 5 different lifestyle Dominant Ladies ... and i can only think of one time, that i saw one of them, in the "Commercial Dominatrix getup" ... and it was something she picked out to wear for me on a special occasion! LOL

The remainder of the time i knew these Ladies ... i knew them as leaders, heads of households, Mothers, professionals and so on. And for some reason ... this was more heart warming ... and far more appealing to me ... than any "Commercial Dominatrix getup".

And the only thing i can put a finger on ... to explain the differences .. is a marked difference in my emotional maturity and understanding of life.

So does anyone have a way to measure and assess the maturity of a potential partner to be? Cause i am thinking this somehow points to the answer Your questions ask ...

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 2:26:45 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

And the only thing i can put a finger on ... to explain the differences .. is a marked difference in my emotional maturity and understanding of life.

So does anyone have a way to measure and assess the maturity of a potential partner to be? Cause i am thinking this somehow points to the answer Your questions ask ...


You are most definitely on the right track. It is very much related to maturity. And a person can be mature on many fronts and immature in others.

I guess that like with any change, there needs to be a sincere desire on behalf of the one that needs to mature. I don't mind working through this with a man. If he admits to me his weaknesses, I'll talk through all of this with him. I just don't want to be taken for a ride.

I will say that recently, a man did realise he was immature on this front and did admit it to me before it went too far. I appreciated his honesty. I hope that this was the first step in his growth.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 2:43:55 PM   
Underumam


Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Though this is a response to LadyPact, I'm going to jump in as there are a few things that you said that I'd like to address.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam
However, it gets very old indeed when so many femdoms whine and complain about sub males seeing them first and foremost as a sex object when they represent themselves as such through the pics on their profiles, and upon meeting in real life.


Do I want a man that I'm attracted to see me as sexy? Absolutely! Do I want him to see only that side of me? Absolutely not. I'm not talking about you particularly here Underumam, I'm speaking generally for my perspective. There is absolutely nothing wrong with playing little games of seduction. But when I'm seducing men, I want them to focus as much with my thoughts and passions as I am with my tits, ass and cane. That is why I try to have a mix of both on my profile. The problem is, that there is a 50 to 1 ration of "I like your sexy pics" to "I like your sexy words". That's where it gets a little frustrating.

quote:

My point is this Lady Pact, for the majority of men and even a lot of the women here, bdsm IS about sexually expressing the dominance and submission that we crave in our lives, yet somehow it's wrong when a sub-male reacts to it.(exactly as femdoms know we will)

I think that is a huge assumption actually. I think it is an expression that includes sex for some, but not for all. And even when it does include sex, it goes way beyond sex. I know not everyone is looking for a romantic monogamous relationship like me, but I doubt that the rest are solely looking to get their rocks off.

quote:

Women and men both dress,work out, use make up, play, scene and do a myraid of ther things to ensure they are seen to be as sexy as possible by others in the lifestyle. And at the very least, Femdoms KNOW THIS, and if they were truly that worried about being seen in this light, they would keep the sexy attire for use around the home, and stop posting their sexy pics here on a public forum. And the females would police each others attire to ensure a change of their image, rather than belittle sub men for simply reacting naturally to the stimulation the females offer. Females have the power to change these false perceptions, yet they find it far easier to blame the sub-males and call us wankers..............

I'm going to refer to my first answer to you when I talk about a balance between physical and mental attraction. You need to remember that we are all deep down wired to look for attractive qualities in a partner. The more primal side is going to look for physical attraction and the more intellectual side will look for mental attraction. These two sides might be balanced out 50/50 in a person or might weigh more on one side or another.

Believe it or not, I actually belong to a group over on Fetlife about Sapiosexuality - a behavior of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use. From the Latin root sapien, wise or intelligent, and Latin sexualis, relating to the sexes. So go figure! Not everyone is looking for a perfect set of tits!

The thing is, women have fought long and hard to be able to express their sexuality in a way that suits them and feel good about it. To start telling us that we should have pics where we express it would be taking away that right. I like when a man finds me attractive. I just ask that he expresses it in an charming and appropriate way, not like a little dog humping my leg. Many men are quite successful at this.

quote:

Like Femdoms can find vanilla men, we sub males can find bossy bitchy females all over the place in the vanilla world.

Wow. I didn't realise that a dominant woman was simply a bossy bitchy female. Shit, I'm not even really that bossy, and I only get bitchy when I have PMS or when someone gets under my skin. I personally see being a dominant woman as so much more. Go look at the OP.

quote:

Finding a true female dominant who likes to sexually express as such is the hardest part, and a rare find indeed. I have no judgment regarding females dressing sexy, in fact I like like it, but I DO see it for what it is, and resent being called a sex addict or wanker for giving females the response they invoke.


You are speaking of a personal experience and I'm sure you aren't the only that has experienced this contradiction of look at me/stop looking at me. I agree it isn't fair at all. I don't know the actual details of your situation (and it isn't important that I do), but if I take your account of the situation at face value, I see an instability at the core, for sure.

When I wear a low cut top to go clubbing, and I catch a man looking at my breasts, I'll usually wink at him, look at him for a moment and then look away. Am I totally being a tease, absolutely! And I admit it. Remember, I like to torture men and see them squirm ;-) I don't however get all huffy and bitch him out for looking at me. If he comes up to me and talks to me, I will toy with him a little and then mock him a little for being such a dog. But they are usually laughing along with me, unless they have no sense of humour.

However, when I'm at work, you will never see me wear a low cut top or a short skirt. Ever. I dress elegantly and professionally. There, I really only want to be seen for my mind and any sexual innuendo from a man will not be tolerated. Can a man still find me sexy, you bet. An intelligent and competant woman *is* sexy.

In the first scenario, I'm trying to invoke a response and in the second I'm not. And you are right to say that if I call a man a sex addict for responding to a stimulus that I set, then that is completely unfair. Then again, life isn't fair. The only you can do is hold out for people who've got it figured out. Sucks huh?

- LA


I have tremendous respect for what women have gone through regarding their equality and recognition. Sexual repression is a result of a few things over time, and I for one, don't want us men to have to fight for our rights to sexual expression down the road. Calling us wankers and sex addicts because we respond NATURALLY to womens sexual personas almost guarantees that we'll be just as far in the hole as you females were. lol. It's kind of like cutting off our noses to spite our faces...


_____________________________

Proud and devoted collared servant of D~

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/31/2009 2:44:06 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

You are most definitely on the right track. It is very much related to maturity. And a person can be mature on many fronts and immature in others.



How true ... and so insightful of You.

i often think the media ... TV, Movies, Facebook etc ... somehow make it okay for Women and men to play adolescent games ... and i think they thrive on making people feel sexually deprived ... wanting ... missing something and so on ... they play on inexperience and or immaturity .... desire is the word that nails it ...

But once desire is fulfilled through experience (at least in my case) one searches for more! <smiles>

quote:

I guess that like with any change, there needs to be a sincere desire on behalf of the one that needs to mature. I don't mind working through this with a man.


Dead on and totally correct ... but the question i ask is ... can You really make the change ... or simply inspire and encourage it ???

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 12/31/2009 3:00:14 PM >

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 60
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