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RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 3:20:04 AM

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OP, I'm going to take everything you say at face value.

It sounds like the guy is a taker - not used to giving or caring for (or about) anyone else. As such, he's not able to take anything resembling noncompliance. Any idiot can call themselves a Dom when they get all their wishes fulfilled and never have to give anything in return.

I'd be very suspect of his statement that he has ums at home. I would suspect a wife or gf. I assume that you are only to phone him during work hours because of his ums?

As a Dom, I order you to curse the fates that put you in Chicago instead of Denver...

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 3:36:33 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: belladevine

If a "dominant" man ever asked or told me to pay for a "room", I would laugh in his face and then probably put my fist in it.
If the world of men ever actually begins to pay women equally in the work force, then perhaps there could be more discussion about the issue.

Spot on!

quote:

My Rule # 1 is stay out of rooms.
If that is your thing then go for it but it sounds like a trash situation to me.

If both partners have kids at home a hotel is sometimes the best option - although it's also a great excuse to avoid the wife/husband as well as the kids...

quote:

Men make more money so they can afford to pay for perks. You are already giving him a female thing to play with. If he didn't have a submissive

Not all men make more money - but I think you make a brilliant point nonetheless.

quote:

he would go and buy a prostitute or move on to the next girl because you really don't amout to much and the female paycheck is usually a
reflection of this .

- Since he's been a deadbeat dom, I suspect he can't afford a pro ;-)

(in reply to belladevine)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 3:45:20 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

He wanted me to do something that would require me to buy toys that would probably never be used again. Cost was a little over $100, I really did not feel I could afford to spend money unwisely. He said he understood when I told him I could not afford it, but still won't speak to me.

That kinda nails it for me (and a number of the others on this thread by all accounts)...

Different Doms have different expectations, and that's fair enough - Personally, I would feel kind of cheap making a sub cover all the expenses - I have made a sub pay for the room once before - but it was a part of the scene (paying for her own spanking added to the humiliation).

Again every Dom has a slightly different take on this - but a sub can always ask me a question, and given your concern about the cost he should have understood immediately.

It's dangerous to make assumptions but I'm with some of the other posters - I get the distinct impression that this chap is simply after some free kicks, was loving the control he appeared to have, and reacted like a baby when he discovered that he may actually have to bring his brain and some empathy to the party in additio to his cock.

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 11:28:44 AM

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quote:

I was scolded harshly, told I am not really submissive and now have been shut out completely.

And you did not think this was relevant to mention in your OP? Weird. It completely changes the story. People have reasons to do what they do, what those reasons are really is not important, just move on. Nobody here knows you or your play partner, so there isn't any way anybody can say anything that is guaranteed to be relevant to your situation.

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 11:49:21 AM

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just being the devils advocate here, but did you say anything prior to the meet about not being able to afford them, did you ask him if maybe he could help with the cost.

doesnt excuse how he's handled things, but if youd agreed to buy them and he'd organised his um's and got a play session all mapped out on the basis that youd agreed to get the toys and then turned up to find that you hadnt got them, then i can sorta see where he's coming from.

but...., he shouldnt expect you to keep paying for everything and his conduct is a bit childish to be honest.

_____________________________

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RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:08:07 PM

lizi

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Just a general observation here. It almost seems unfair to concentrate on the fact that the guy is pushing all financial responsibility onto his sub but then again in my own life every time that happened to me it was a crappy relationship that ended up going no where. There have been very few men that for one reason or another tried to get me to open my purse when we were together for various things and all of those men turned out to be duds in the end. It's definitely not a scientific principle here but if it happens to me again where the guy I'm with 'lets' me pay or actively pushes for it then that's a red flag for me. I definitely have my own money but my Dom now finds it abhorrent if I so much as reach for my purse when we're together. I paid for a restaurant check once while he was in the restroom and he was appalled and I got a red bottom later. I haven't done it again. I probably have more money than he does but he takes his responsibility to me very seriously and it's his thing that he wants to pay so I let him do it.

The toy situation seems completely selfish. I'm thinking you balked because having the kids at home means money is being funneled into them. Plus always having to pay for the fun puts a damper on things financially for you, why do you have to keep shouldering the responsibility for both of your fun? He's there too isn't he? Then to have him mention that because of you hesitating on the toy question you are not a true sub. How silly. It may hurt now but if this is all accurate information then you're well rid of him. Let him have his silence and move on. Don't lower yourself by continuing to reach out....he's beneath you.

(in reply to lally2)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:08:44 PM

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LOL... I am thinking that if he were a woman... that scammin kind that wants the submissive to pay for everything... slam dunk and twenty new threads.

This guy requires his submissive to pay for all these things and shuts her out if she cannot... sounds pretty reasonable to say he is a user for whatever reasons. Then add the passive aggressive... loser at loser finest.

You are better off without him and I know it hurts... but you will get through this and hopefully find someone who gives as much as he gets. Be strong... don't require a talk with him seeing as though he made himself and his position clear. Pouty boy when he doesn't get his way, unreasonable and very poor attitude towards someone who has treated him far too well and whom deserves better. What would a talk do? How do you reason that kind of treatment out? Smooth talking when he realizes he fucked up on the easy ride that brings you back into the fold? Nope... the trust you once had with his cruel words and actions have broken something precious... all over about a hundred dollars... what a fool!

Move on... there are far better people and dominant's out there. And... hugs to you!

_____________________________

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(in reply to lally2)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:14:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

- Since he's been a deadbeat dom, I suspect he can't afford a pro ;-)

Pro-doms and pro-subs are not prostitutes. Just FYI.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to crazyml)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:15:41 PM

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~Fast Reply~

OP, you've already gotten some great advice overall. I hope you have better luck in the future.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:20:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

To all the ladies......you are right. I knew in my heart he was being unreasonable. I suppose I just needed confirmation before deciding on a course of action. I don't post often, but I have read your posts in the past and have always appreciated your honesty and knowledge.

Again, thank you.

Dump the zero and find yourself a hero. One who is enough of a man to not mooch off of a woman.

_____________________________

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Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
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(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:27:27 PM

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Thank you so much Lizi and Lockit. You are right, I deserve better. I discovered this side of myself a bit later in life and he is the only Dominant I have ever been with. I suppose the same rules apply to Dominant men as the vanilla ones.....treat me properly, or I will leave.....now, I just have to convince my heart!

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:29:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

just being the devils advocate here, but did you say anything prior to the meet about not being able to afford them, did you ask him if maybe he could help with the cost.

doesnt excuse how he's handled things, but if youd agreed to buy them and he'd organised his um's and got a play session all mapped out on the basis that youd agreed to get the toys and then turned up to find that you hadnt got them, then i can sorta see where he's coming from.

but...., he shouldnt expect you to keep paying for everything and his conduct is a bit childish to be honest.

The toys were not to be purchased for a meeting, but rather, an assignment. He organized nothing.

(in reply to lally2)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:37:03 PM

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Chicagoswitch... this is a lesson that most people can relate to! I think we all have been a fool in love at some point. I am not calling you a fool! I am saying basically that most of us learn this stuff the hard way and there has been one or more who have gotten over us somehow.

Right now the answers are within you... not your wounded heart... but your mind and what you know is true. You just have to build that strength up some! I recommend empowering chick flicks... music like respect or other songs that will get you feeling happy and stronger and if you need something more... a friend who will talk to you until you are through wanting to return because you feel that need or a boyfriend breakup twelve step program...

Get mad... stay mad... step on or throw darts at his picture... remove his number from your phone... write in a diary... give time to healing... cry... laugh... go shopping... go out on a date... get fucked by someone who can fuck better than he could any day. I know, not the greatest twelve step program... but damn it worked well for me! lol

Hang in there!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 3:32:01 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

Thank you so much Lizi and Lockit. You are right, I deserve better. I discovered this side of myself a bit later in life and he is the only Dominant I have ever been with. I suppose the same rules apply to Dominant men as the vanilla ones.....treat me properly, or I will leave.....now, I just have to convince my heart!

The first Dom I was with turned out to be an idiot but I didn't know that at the time. I also came to D/s late and I made my mistakes too...it's ok though because I learned from it. What you said is correct...the relationship part is just like vanilla. If it wouldn't fly within a nilla couple then it shouldn't be acceptable for a D/s couple either.

Go out to the other side and look at some profiles, send out some emails...why not? It'll help you move on and it's fun to talk to new prospects. Go ahead and let them know you'll be going a bit slowly right now and are only looking for friends. I would bet that when you get some interest coming in it won't hurt quite so much. Good luck.

Edited to add....Lockit is right. Go on and find that new man who puts the old one to shame in the bedroom! Mama mia, I found out what I had been missing and I will never ever accept less from now on.

< Message edited by lizi -- 1/22/2010 3:33:56 PM >

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 4:19:38 PM

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Everyone makes mistakes, but there is No reason he can't pay his part of either rooms, or play toys..nor should he expect you to pay for everything...and using silence on a sub is about the crappist thing he could have done..nope..not well done on his part At all. Huntertn

(in reply to lizi)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 5:09:45 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

This:

Any idiot can call themselves a Dom when they get all their wishes fulfilled and never have to give anything in return.

and this:

I'd be very suspect of his statement that he has ums at home. I would suspect a wife or gf. I assume that you are only to phone him during work hours because of his ums?

OP, you may not have cared that he is so obviously married or otherwise involved, but you should have dropped him like a hot potato very early on- once it became clear that he was so lazy, in the relationship (or lack of one) IMHO.

Insist on a reciprocal relationship: one in which you get as much as you give.

Don't settle for less.

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RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 7:50:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch
He wanted me to do something that would require me to buy toys that would probably never be used again. Cost was a little over $100, I really did not feel I could afford to spend money unwisely. He said he understood when I told him I could not afford it, but still won't speak to me.

That situation would never happen in our relationship. I buy all the toys, use them as I wish and she does not say no as I suspect would happen in your relationship if he purchased the toys.

_____________________________

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(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 8:04:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

Today, you asked her to do something and she hesitated, she questioned you. How do you respond?

Trust is a two-way street. Presumably, this whole time of happy relationship was one that also fostered your trust in his decisions and commands, yes?

So why did you hesitate? What does "she questioned" mean? She made a comment that seemed to call into question the honor of my motivations? That wouldn't go over well. She was confused or unsure about the task required and requested the chance to discuss it? That would prompt a sit-down talk.

As it stands, you've intentionally written a 'preview of coming attractions' thread designed to build the attractiveness of your past behavior in order to shed a tinted light onto what was likely a mistake on your part (I am not sure of this, but that seems like the most likely reason someone would build the story and question in the way you have).

_____________________________

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 8:05:38 PM

JAS61

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My rule is, if I want you to use something or do something that is different and has a cost to you. Then it is my responsibility to play for it not you.

Now if you ask for money you might not get it but if you are required to buy an item then it is my job to make the money available especially if it was for a humiliation purpose.

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 8:10:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ForeverOwned

You are so right, WH. It's just that if i were with someone whom i paid for everything, did everything i was told and the first time i didn't do something he went balistic on me i don't think that it is a real "relationship" to this man. Sounds to me like he found someone to buy him a more expensive hotel room and wanted it over with her. Like you said, we don't have the whole story, but from what i have read so far it just doesn't seem right to me.

That portion of their dynamic is not really in question. She consented to being in a situation where she was usually paying. Presumably she did so out of her own personal enjoyment. We can't suddenly toss that in, now, as a detractor to this guy's character if it never was before in the first place.

Nowhere in the story is there the suggestion that his pasts acts have made her question his character, only his recent reaction. And whether that is applicable is entirely based on what sort of situation she was in.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
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(in reply to ForeverOwned)

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