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RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 8:12:41 PM

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

To all the ladies......you are right. I knew in my heart he was being unreasonable. I suppose I just needed confirmation before deciding on a course of action. I don't post often, but I have read your posts in the past and have always appreciated your honesty and knowledge.

Again, thank you.

WTF?

So...how long have you had this phantom intuition of him being unreasonable? Was it the first time he had you pay? The 20th? Or just this time and, because you found a handful of people that wouldn't be attracted to this guy, you get to be the victim because you apparently made a retro-actively foolish decision to be with him in the first place?

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 8:17:31 PM

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

This post addresses all the Dominants, please consider the following scenario and give me your thoughts. Thank you. You have a strong, intelligent submissive you have been with for over a year. She has never hesitated or questioned you when asked to do anything, sexual or non-sexual. She trusts you so much, you have never needed a safe word. She adores you and shows it with every fiber of her being. You must play at hotels because you both have ums at home. She always arrives first, pays for the room and makes sure everything is in order before you arrive. Today, you asked her to do something and she hesitated, she questioned you. How do you respond?

A hesitation is a cue to something amiss. And this is where I lurv the lifestyle - when I ask what's wrong, I don't expect to hafta endure the usual vanilla female crap that ranges from "nothing" to "what the fuck do you thinks wrong???" or the ole favourite of "you should know..." Arrggghhhh!!!!!

That's not to say she won't beat around the bush for a bit - sub or not, I still appreciate the feminine ways.

You hesitated - you *both* need to talk about it.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 8:22:10 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ForeverOwned

You always pay for the room?

I don't mind that if it's part of the "roleplay" - but it'll still be coming out of my wallet in the end.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to ForeverOwned)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 8:30:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrimalConsonance

I agree with osf, and sounds like things were taken for granted and some communication is in order to adapt and if needed re-negotiate. Change is on the horizon....

Thank you, I wonder what changes.....
I was scolded harshly, told I am not really submissive and now have been shut out completely.

Dammit, this is what happens when I post without reading the whole thread, or at least all the OP's contributions....

OP, this is NOT good!!!! It's also a clue to why you may have hesitated.... Sounds like this fella is a user (but not in the good way) and you were feeling something wrong about him, too?

Huge red flag when the dom is blaming the sub when basic communication is called for.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:00:31 PM

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

As it stands, you've intentionally written a 'preview of coming attractions' thread designed to build the attractiveness of your past behavior in order to shed a tinted light onto what was likely a mistake on your part (I am not sure of this, but that seems like the most likely reason someone would build the story and question in the way you have).

Some people try to keep things simple and not muddy the waters with paragraph upon paragraph of details. Labelling it manipulative and intentional is a bit much. Paranoia is so unattractive in a man.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to NihilusZero)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:04:30 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

As it stands, you've intentionally written a 'preview of coming attractions' thread designed to build the attractiveness of your past behavior in order to shed a tinted light onto what was likely a mistake on your part (I am not sure of this, but that seems like the most likely reason someone would build the story and question in the way you have).

Some people try to keep things simple and not muddy the waters with paragraph upon paragraph of details. Labelling it manipulative and intentional is a bit much. Paranoia is so unattractive in a man.

Cali

Cali: I couldn't agree more!

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:12:34 PM

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Some people try to keep things simple and not muddy the waters with paragraph upon paragraph of details.

She began with details extolling the wonders she had offered up unto the relationship before leading straight into the awfully rhetorical query. Begging the question is normally the mark of someone trying to garner favor to their position when the actual substance itself is insufficient.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Labelling it manipulative and intentional is a bit much. Paranoia is so unattractive in a man.

That she presented this entire situation by begging the question isn't a matter of argument, it's clear. I made an assessment based on the use of that logical fallacy to discern potential motives while, mind you, admitting I could potentially be wrong.

I have no clue how that constitutes paranoia. Certainly not in comparison to an OP who, only now with the support of mob mentality, can decide she's not comfortable with the situation. This was never intended as a critique on whether she'd been deluding herself into being happy in a situation she was actually not happy in (although that's the hand she's now playing), it was about whether, in the vague description she gave, he acted out of line.

He may well indeed have been a fool the entire time. However, in the words of Obi Wan Kenobi: "Who's more foolish: the fool or the fool who follows him?"

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 1/22/2010 9:14:23 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:14:21 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
Some people try to keep things simple and not muddy the waters with paragraph upon paragraph of details.

And in those threads - just like this one - you have to wait and sift through several pages of posts to cull all of the information to make an informed response. This doesn't even touch upon the fact that we are only getting one side of the story albeit in bits and pieces.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:17:10 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

WTF?

So...how long have you had this phantom intuition of him being unreasonable? Was it the first time he had you pay? The 20th? Or just this time and, because you found a handful of people that wouldn't be attracted to this guy, you get to be the victim because you apparently made a retro-actively foolish decision to be with him in the first place?

Sometimes a picture gradually unfolds, speaking from some experience with that. Sometimes a person is uncomfortable fulfilling a particular requirement but does so anyway, because it is a requirement. Sometimes, after a period of time, the dam breaks. Sometimes the last straw really is placed upon that camels back.

And that's when we look back and ask oursevles, "WTF?" in retrospect. The picture becomes much clearer than what it originally was.

I'm surprised you've never had such an "ah ha" moment.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:18:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
However, in the words of Obi Wan Kenobi: "Who's more foolish: the fool or the fool who follows him?"

If the fool who knows him removes the blinders and becomes wise to her situation, then the answer to the above question would be "the fool."

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:21:30 PM

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Sometimes a picture gradually unfolds, speaking from some experience with that. Sometimes a person is uncomfortable fulfilling a particular requirement but does so anyway, because it is a requirement. Sometimes, after a period of time, the dam breaks. Sometimes the last straw really is placed upon that camels back.

And that's when we look back and ask oursevles, "WTF?" in retrospect. The picture becomes much clearer than what it originally was.

I'm surprised you've never had such an "ah ha" moment.

I sure as heck have.

I was nowhere publicly online to be found, however, trying to garner support (at the cost of personal responsibility) for having subjected myself to a situation where I should have been more keenly aware of what was happening.

And certainly not once arriving at the realization that the only usual crime committed in these supposed atrocities is that of incompatibility.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to NuevaVida)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:24:34 PM

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

If the fool who knows him removes the blinders and becomes wise to her situation, then the answer to the above question would be "the fool."

That's if we presume there was actual deception involved, though. From the sparse story we have, she knew all along what his demands were and, we're to believe, was fine with it until this one time.

Was there any kind of history of her voicing continued or increasing concerns about the monetary issue to his continued disinterest and ignoring or did she decide to bottle it all up, leading him to believe it was fine, until she didn't want to do it anymore? Not that any of us know with stories like these anyhow...

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 1/22/2010 9:25:01 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to NuevaVida)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:24:49 PM

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From: Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrimalConsonance

I agree with osf, and sounds like things were taken for granted and some communication is in order to adapt and if needed re-negotiate. Change is on the horizon....

Thank you, I wonder what changes.....
I was scolded harshly, told I am not really submissive and now have been shut out completely.

Dammit, this is what happens when I post without reading the whole thread, or at least all the OP's contributions....

OP, this is NOT good!!!! It's also a clue to why you may have hesitated.... Sounds like this fella is a user (but not in the good way) and you were feeling something wrong about him, too?

Huge red flag when the dom is blaming the sub when basic communication is called for.

Focus.

Any new dom or sub to the lifestyle would be wise to listen to Focus. He is a thoughtful, insightful man.

Listen to him, op!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to Focus50)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:26:28 PM

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

(but not in the good way)

There is no "good way". There is either the mutually agreed consensual way or there is the non-consensually enforced way (Edit: or there is the deception way or the "manipulation" way, which is bunk anyhow).

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 1/22/2010 9:27:40 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Focus50)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:26:36 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

I sure as heck have.

I was nowhere publicly online to be found, however, trying to garner support (at the cost of personal responsibility) for having subjected myself to a situation where I should have been more keenly aware of what was happening.

And certainly not once arriving at the realization that the only usual crime committed in these supposed atrocities is that of incompatibility.

Understood. Nor have I.

But it seems your real beef with her is in the way this subject was presented and handled. If that is the case, I don't understand the need to imply her a fool, simply for handling things differently than you have.

But we all have our opinions, I suppose.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:27:42 PM

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

As it stands, you've intentionally written a 'preview of coming attractions' thread designed to build the attractiveness of your past behavior in order to shed a tinted light onto what was likely a mistake on your part (I am not sure of this, but that seems like the most likely reason someone would build the story and question in the way you have).

Throwing in the "I am not sure of this" really doesn't negate the fact that you've declared her to be manipulating, scheming, and plotting out the turns the thread is going to take. Reminds me of guys who say "you did that on purpose! you knew that would happen! you knew that if you did this and this and this that it would go that way". Pfffttt. Sometimes shit just happens. Sometimes more details are needed to really get an answer, when in the beginning you thought what you said was enough to get some clarity, but it wasn't. Not everything is by design. And when someone declares what someone else has intentionally done based on so few words, my vote is "not by design."

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:30:22 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

That's if we presume there was actual deception involved, though. From the sparse story we have, she knew all along what his demands were and, we're to believe, was fine with it until this one time.

Was there any kind of history of her voicing continued or increasing concerns about the monetary issue to his continued disinterest and ignoring or did she decide to bottle it all up, leading him to believe it was fine, until she didn't want to do it anymore? Not that any of us know with stories like these anyhow...

As I said, sometimes we are fine with requirements because that is what is expected. But you are right, we do not know the specifics of her relationship. In my case, I knew better than to complain. When I finally did, because I felt I had a valid complaint, it was met with most negatively. In my case, it was the beginning of a slow, downhill slide for us and a source of contention for me.

Sometimes things are tolerable...until they are not.

But you're right - we don't know. So why come down on her as though she has done everything wrong here?

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:33:08 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

But it seems your real beef with her is in the way this subject was presented and handled.

Well, yes and no. As in, I'm not personally emotionally bothered by how she did it (I would be not happy if ?I was her former partner, but that's beside the point).

Where my problem is lies in the fact that she presented the situation in a dubious and suspicious way and I exercised a proportional amount of skepticism about her intentions in bringing it up in the first place.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

If that is the case, I don't understand the need to imply her a fool, simply for handling things differently than you have.

That isn't what I'm saying.

If what she is suggesting now happens to be that she had been in a situation which she should not have been all this time but only now has decided it, she becomes the de facto "fool" by her own construction. That's not a statement meant to demean (I've been the fool in situation before, it's just a matter of fact or it isn't).

I'm just criticizing the process of coddling the presumed victim in situations like these because of decisions they made themselves.

Or maybe I'm wondering if I couldn't have drummed up a little monetary charity in the same way years ago when I spent $800 on a car that broke down the next day.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

But we all have our opinions, I suppose.

Blech. I'll do without "opinions". The most useless word in the English language.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to NuevaVida)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:33:15 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

(but not in the good way)

There is no "good way". There is either the mutually agreed consensual way or there is the non-consensually enforced way (Edit: or there is the deception way or the "manipulation" way, which is bunk anyhow).

I am surprised by how much I am disagreeing with you here, when I typically agree with you.

You are speaking as though you are the authority on all M/s, O/p and D/s relationships here. Things are not so black and white.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 9:34:28 PM

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

So why come down on her as though she has done everything wrong here?

I won't say "wrong". I'll say her presentation was disingenuous and intentionally painted pretty for effect, though.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to NuevaVida)

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