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RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 8:08:17 AM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline
Don't really have any advice to add to what others have said, just wanted to add some hugs.

And definitely keep in mind what beth said, being vanilla is no proof that a guy isn't abusive, my one and only 'nilla ex cracked my jaw when I told him I was leaving. I think being single for a while is a good idea anyway.

< Message edited by afterforever -- 2/8/2010 8:12:53 AM >

(in reply to TapedxCookie)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 8:08:49 AM   
ShaharThorne


Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline
Be sure to contact a kink-friendly counselor.  That should be your first priority.

I am sorry that he ignored your safety code.  He is not the right guy to be with.  He is a user and abuser (sounds like my exe-hubby).


_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

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RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 8:21:05 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
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I hear you still defending him after a fashion.  It is ok to remember the positive things that drew you to him, but don't romanticize them.  It is very easy, once the bruises fade, to begin missing the very person who abused you.  People ask victims of domestic violence all the time, why they went back. 

I'm glad you are not going alone, but if you can live without what you left behind, leave it.  There are few  possessions in life that are worth putting yourself at risk over. 

God, this kind of stuff just makes me ill.

WinD

(in reply to ShaharThorne)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 8:24:22 AM   
LinnaeaBorealis


Posts: 8595
Joined: 10/5/2008
From: Insanity & beyond
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Good advice, Winnie.  I was in an abusive relationship when I was a young woman.  I left & went back countless times.  Then one day, I heard this little voice that said, "You don't deserve to be treated this way" & I was able to finally leave him for good.  He too was funny & smart.  Between the beatings he made me laugh lots.  When you know in your gut that you don't deserve that treatment, nobody can treat you that way. 

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
~~L. Cohen

Just one of the yahoo's

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 8:34:49 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LinnaeaBorealis

Good advice, Winnie.  I was in an abusive relationship when I was a young woman.  I left & went back countless times.  Then one day, I heard this little voice that said, "You don't deserve to be treated this way" & I was able to finally leave him for good.  He too was funny & smart.  Between the beatings he made me laugh lots.  When you know in your gut that you don't deserve that treatment, nobody can treat you that way. 


Thank you.

My ex-husband asked me, "why did you leave me?"  He sincerely did not undersand why.  I told him, "Because I will no longer let someone tell me I'm worthless, and believe them." 

He was a very charismatic man.  Good looking, successful in his field.  Charming and funny.  When he wasn't killing our family pet and threatening me and the children with the same fate if we 'didnt' shape up'.  Or kicking me, or choking me, or threatening me with knives.  I don't like to talk about this stuff, and I don't do it for sympathy.  I'm not a victim, and enjoy a happy life now.  But, if my experience can illuminate a little darkness for others, I will share it.

Now I feel dirty....ick, gonna go shower and find my happy place again.

WinD






< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 2/8/2010 8:35:49 AM >

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RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 8:39:35 AM   
lizi


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Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
I don't have much to add either except my sorrow that things turned out for you this way. I also want to stress what others have said about not letting him talk, email, phone, or anything else. You might start to listen again and the things that drew you to him will be on display and they'll attract you again. Predators are very very good at what they do because they play on our weaknesses. He will be very charming and so apologetic or whatever else he needs to be to get you back. It's easier at this point for him to try to get you back because starting the whole process over with someone else will take more effort and he knows what you liked about him and what worked for you before.

It's always a personal downfall of mine that I start to think about going back when i hear from someone again. If you dont' have any contact what he did will be the foremost thing in your mind and you'll stay away. I think Sternfather had a good idea about having more than one person with you when you go to retrieve your stuff. It's not so much that you need the protection as much as you'll have more witnesses and he'll think twice about saying or doing anything in front of more people.

(in reply to LinnaeaBorealis)
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RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 8:45:56 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
I totally agree with everyone here. All the advice that was given has been excellent.

Just remember, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out and NO ONE deserves to be treated that way....EVER.

You made the right decision to walk out, now just stick to that, don't let him sweet talk you. Be the strong woman you know you are.

*hugs*

_____________________________

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt"

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 10:13:34 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
Just a few quick thoughts after reading this thread:

That guy is a true user and abuser. AVOID at ALL COSTS!

I'm SO sorry that this is your first foray into the bdsm world, and this is what you got. As you said before, many of us are cherished and adored, and if something in a scene is taking us to a bad place, the scene STOPS. I don't even have a safeword, but I know that He stops.

As was said, this has much less to do with bdsm, and everything to do with abuse.

What do you have at his house? I'd leave it there and tell him to shove it unless it was a diamond ring my great great grandmother Helga gave me, or medicine that I couldn't replace and would die without. Just walk away. I know in a way, you want the big goodbye...look at what you're gonna be missing, etc. It's just not worth it. Leave it.

I believe that you can trust the RedMagic one. If he says no possiblity of play, and you show up wearing nothing but nipple clamps and bells, he'll take you to lunch and have a conversation with you. Real gentlemen keep their word.

As others have said, block his emails, block his phone, and don't see or talk to him any more.

Naive does not mean stupid. Just because you made a mistake, you don't have to continue to beat yourself up over it. Take some time to be good to yourself. You opened yourself up and were rewarded with cruelty instead of kindness. It's not your fault. Some of these guys are VERY charming, and it's difficult to see beyond that. Remember for next time though, when a man shows you what he is (the night he made you stay in that position for an hour and told you he had a vendetta against you) believe it.

Lots of doms are even friends with their ex'es and their exes will vouch for them. (I have a time or two) If a dom is still friends with several exes, and they are willing to vouch for him, it says alot about him as a person, doesn't it?

You're a sweet and smart girl; you'll get this all figured out in no time!!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 10:19:31 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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Sweet.  Good luck in finding your next 'nilla abuser.  It is bound to happen.

It sucks when folks get involved in relationships just because they might feel that it is better than being alone.

I usually lean to the contrary. 

Whatever.  You are probably doomed.

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 10:31:16 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Sweet.  Good luck in finding your next 'nilla abuser.  It is bound to happen.

It sucks when folks get involved in relationships just because they might feel that it is better than being alone.

I usually lean to the contrary. 

Whatever.  You are probably doomed.


Never listen to this guy.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 10:39:43 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
Yes, told you so.
I am not going to be all insincere and say I am sorry for what you went through.  You were silly and didn't communicate with him properly and instead, jumped into play with someone you already had reservations about.  Doesn't matter whether he was into BDSM or not, you would have done the same had he been vanilla.

If you should learn from this, cool.  What you should be learning is that your judgement sucks and you aren't strong enough to say no.  Getting into any relationship without sorting that out first means, like domi said, you will probably be doomed, regardless.

the.dark.


_____________________________


RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to TapedxCookie)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 10:43:43 AM   
OnlineFunForYou


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx


quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Sweet.  Good luck in finding your next 'nilla abuser.  It is bound to happen.

It sucks when folks get involved in relationships just because they might feel that it is better than being alone.

I usually lean to the contrary. 

Whatever.  You are probably doomed.


Never listen to this guy.


I fully agree with you, Christina.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 10:45:44 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlineFunForYou

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx


quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Sweet.  Good luck in finding your next 'nilla abuser.  It is bound to happen.

It sucks when folks get involved in relationships just because they might feel that it is better than being alone.

I usually lean to the contrary. 

Whatever.  You are probably doomed.


Never listen to this guy.


I fully agree with you, Christina.



But why?

the.dark.

_____________________________


RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 10:51:51 AM   
ForeverOwned


Posts: 269
Joined: 2/5/2008
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My good wishes are with you too, and i hope that you ignore anyone on here or in real life that tells you, you deserve what you got or i told you so.

You made a mistake, and those who put you down for it...well the rest goes without saying.

Take care, and embrace all the loving and caring posts that are on here.

(in reply to OnlineFunForYou)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 10:59:29 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
I think people tend to jump into sexual relations and kink relations with someone too fast. I think it takes time for someones true colors to come out. If people took more time getting to know someone before playing with him. Also getting to know friends and family of the person. if youre going to play with someone you dont know well its best to do it in a public members only club where a dungeon Master is there to make sure you are being tended too.


But do look at your behavior and what you did to compromise your safety and then do things more cautiously.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to ForeverOwned)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 11:01:01 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ForeverOwned

My good wishes are with you too, and i hope that you ignore anyone on here or in real life that tells you, you deserve what you got or i told you so.

You made a mistake, and those who put you down for it...well the rest goes without saying.

Take care, and embrace all the loving and caring posts that are on here.


Patting her on the back and saying there there, for making a mistake that was avoidable because she didnt trust herself isn't helpful to her.
She isn't being put down but lifted.  Master would say 'exalted'.  She needs to learn to trust her gut and herself - it's there and inside her - her previous posts exuded it.  But she deserves to be given the confidence to act on it... not petted and mollycoddled.

Shes a beautiful, bright person who fucked up because she was too afraid to stand up for herself and it's a travesty that she should put it down to the fact that she should now look for a non kink relationship and loose herself just because some idiot man said he was a dominant.

Or as domi pointed out - if only in his own way - she will be doomed to make the same error because unless she can stand up for herself regardless of being vanilla or bdsm... she may end up repeating a patten of abuse.

I find it rather condecending that you are making the accusation that those that are offering not to mollycoddle someone as being not being included in your love and caring posts.  It's absolutely awful that you take all as the same and do not see the compassion that someone might feel and label them as 'goes without saying'.  I think that the OP should take everyones words and contemplate them and would never dream of advising her to ignore certain segments.  Nobody posts because they don't give a damn.  They post because they do.(sorry domi if that messed with your persona).

the.dark.

< Message edited by RCdc -- 2/8/2010 11:17:47 AM >


_____________________________


RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to ForeverOwned)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 11:10:03 AM   
HisSub1213


Posts: 219
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

he ignored my safeword this weekend.
He says I have problems communicating my emotions, so he was trying to get me to cry and let things out...

he had me, with my face in his lap, a fist full of my hair and was caning my ass and back. He was picking me apart emotionally.
I was crying and begging for him to stop (hadnt used the safeword at this point), when he brought the cane down so hard. I screamed "RED" (our safeword) and backed away as far as I could, he grabbed me tighter by the hair, pulled me back to him, the whole time I was sobbing "you have to stop, I said Red" and he caned me harder saying that in this context, he couldnt becuase I was using the safeword to get control of him.

He also broke a hard limit of mine... and I let him. not becuase i wanted to serve and please him, but becuase I was afraid of what would happen to me if I didnt. :(
needless to say, its over. and I dont even want another Dom... the next man I get into anything with will be vanilla, I need someone tender at this point.



Ohhhh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear this happened. I honestly don't know what to say. I'm glad that you're not going to see this person again. I've had a couple of bad experiences myself, and know that eventually things get better. Don't just give up on what you need. If you need to talk, you can email me here. Hugs to you.

_____________________________

HisSub1213

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard)

Fear is the mother of morality. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

(in reply to TapedxCookie)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 11:11:49 AM   
TapedxCookie


Posts: 60
Joined: 11/21/2009
Status: offline
I do know that I need to have courage to stand up for myself. But its hard when you have someone breathing down your neck (or more appropriately, beating on you) telling you that you are weak and worthless, and the only way to better yourself is to give in to him and that you should be grateful that he is willing to make you better than what you currently are...

_____________________________

You pirate-hating-bitch! -Sir LR *giggles*

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 11:15:05 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
You can believe them or you can tell them to sod off. Telling an asshole to sod off does not make you a bad submissive or a bad person.

People will always treat you the way you allow them to.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to TapedxCookie)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 11:21:17 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

I do know that I need to have courage to stand up for myself. But its hard when you have someone breathing down your neck (or more appropriately, beating on you) telling you that you are weak and worthless, and the only way to better yourself is to give in to him and that you should be grateful that he is willing to make you better than what you currently are...


Lordy TC, I absolutely dig you, I do.  I get that it's hard.  I also am pretty damn sure you can do this and get through it and come out stronger - just don't fall into the belief that a nilla man wouldn't do that to you too.

the.dark.

_____________________________


RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to TapedxCookie)
Profile   Post #: 40
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