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Domin8tingUrDrmz -> CMail Help: How to Contact a Dominant Woman (2/9/2010 5:19:06 PM)
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This site is useful for contacting dominant women, but it should be only one of many avenues you use to meet people. There are many dominant ladies who dislike meeting people from the internet. You are doing yourself a great disservice if you limit yourself. Many will tell you to go to a munch or other BDSM related event to open your possibilities, and we encourage you to follow this advice. Refer to the Ask a Mistress Forum FAQ for information about finding events near you.
Remember dominant women are everywhere – the grocery store, the local pub, even the library. So while you are dating and meeting women, be open and communicate in the early stages to determine if she is the type of woman you are seeking. Avoid anything crass, saying “Will you do <insert kink of choice> to me?” Instead, ask probing questions such as, “Do you think there is a defined leader in a relationship?” and “Who do you think should be that leader?” Obviously, if she answers “no” to the first question, following up with the second is pointless. However, you could ask her why she feels leadership has no place in her intimate relationships. Depending on her answer, you should be able to gauge whether or not she simply isn’t interested or if she is hesitant due to societal misconceptions.
Some people try to convert their vanilla partners to become the dominant (or submissive) partner in the relationship. Some do this successfully, others have zero success. Keep in mind that you can only convert the willing. If your partner truly lacks any desire to take the lead, she will only resent you if you continue to force her to lead. This could ultimately backfire and destroy your relationship.
If you are using the internet to contact dominant women, it is important to keep in mind that women often receive more mail than men, particularly on this site. When sending a message to a Domme, avoid getting upset if she takes more than a few minutes to reply, even if the mail system acknowledges that the message has been read. Often, women lead busy lives, and she may intend to respond when she has more time. Be patient! If a few days pass without a reply, feel free to send a follow-up if you’d like. Keep in mind that a lack of response usually indicates a lack of interest. More on this topic can be found in the “Why doesn’t a Domme reply to me?” section of the Ask a Mistress Forum FAQ.
When sending a message to a dominant woman, be the self you are in everyday life, not some preconceived version of what you think she wants. Many women are turned off by the stereotypical “pathetic worm” or “worthless” submissive. If she wants you to act this way, she’ll let you know. When in doubt, present yourself as a gentleman. It’s hard to go wrong with this approach.
Often, you will notice that the image conveyed by a person’s profile is mentioned as one of many reasons a woman chooses to ignore a message. Please refer to Profile Help: How to Attract Dominant Women for assistance with profiles.
Some key information to remember when emailing a dominant woman:
1. Take the time to fully read the profile of the person you intend to message. It is obvious to us when you fail to complete this vital step. Make certain that you actually meet her requirements.
2. Be interested in her as a person rather than objectifying her as your personal kink provider.
3. Be polite. Some women prefer uber-politeness (they will tell you if they do), others do not. However, most women can agree that general politeness will garner a better chance of receiving a reply.
4. Address her by her screen name or by the name she signs in her reply. Many women prefer to avoid use of titles such as “Mistress” or “Goddess” (or any other term of endearment such as honey or sweetheart) until after a relationship has been established. If her screen name is MistressBadAss, shortening her name to just Mistress is discourteous. In your initial message, use her full screen name and ask her if she has another way she prefers to be addressed.
5. Both one-liners and autobiographies are inappropriate for a first email. Keep the message concise, show that you’ve taken the time to read her profile, and relay some relevant information about yourself. Most women despise messages that simply say “Hi”. Similarly, we dislike receiving your complete life history as an introduction. Put that information in your profile. General rule of thumb: keep it to one or two paragraphs.
6. Grammar, punctuation, and spelling DO count! Keep “netspeak” to a minimum, particularly in your first communication. Abbreviating “you” as ‘u’ and “you are” as ‘ur’ is always a mistake.
7. Since communication is paramount in any successful relationship, pay attention to her location and be conversationally fluent in her native tongue. If you speak poor French to a woman who lives in France and parts of Canada, it’s likely she’ll have difficulty understanding a word you say.
8. Nobody owes you a response, no matter how polite or sincere you think your message seems.
9. Being rude or obnoxious shows poor character and a lack of class. If you object to something in a person’s profile, move on to those profiles that mesh with your personality. Sending a nasty message is out of line. Would you walk up to a stranger and say “you are ugly”? If you would, perhaps you should work on your manners in general.
10. While you might think you would be the perfect sub/slave for her, she may have other ideas. There may be something in your profile or message that indicates you are not a good fit for her. That’s okay! You are likely a good fit for another person. Be glad for the chance to find that perfect match.
11. Those seeking real life encounters are often unwilling to respond to messages from those who live far away. Unless you can reasonably relocate to the person’s area, or their profile indicates they are willing to relocate, try to stick to your local area or those within a driving distance of only a few hours. Three or four hours of drive time are a reasonable amount of time and distance. Some may indicate they are interested in online relationships. If they do and you’re interested in that type of relationship, by all means, contact them.
12. Approach a woman the same way you would approach a woman in a vanilla setting.
13. Your photo is often your first impression. Send a photo of your face if you are comfortable, or send a photo of you doing something you enjoy in a vanilla setting. In other words, send a picture you wouldn’t mind your mother seeing. Wait to send photos of you involved in kinky play or “cock shots” until she requests them.
14. Insisting on moving immediately to the phone, private email, or an instant messenger such as Yahoo is presumptuous and in poor taste. Let the woman decide when she is comfortable moving to off-site contact.
15. If you are seeking a Dominant Woman, remember she will lead the way. There is nothing wrong with being eager, but overly eager just screams “horny wanker.”
16. Most women want to get to know a person before they delve into their kinky sides. If you lack the time or patience to develop a relationship with the person you are going to mail, you may find yourself overlooked. Sure some women are here for cyber, but unless she has cyber listed as an interest in her profile, she’s unlikely to respond favorably to your attempts.
Below are some links that you can visit to get views from other perspectives. If after reading this post, or the links attached, you find you still have questions, by all means ask. We request that you refrain from posting on threads older than a few months. Instead, start a new thread and include the link of the older thread if you feel others need that information for clarity. We also encourage you to indicate in your new post that you have taken the time to either read previous posts, or searched for relevant information, on the topic of your query. This will help elicit assistance rather than admonishments of “go read the archives.”
The Hypocritical Domme
Finding a Mistress
Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle?
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