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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/5/2006 2:18:53 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Smythe



This is a spurious argument. People change all the time, and things that are important at 40 may not have seemed important at 25. Ideally a marriage should adapt to continue to suit both partners, but we know this is not always the case. What if you love your wife or husband but your desire to submit/dom/x-dress/play doctor becomes undeniable? Should you suffer deprivation for the rest of your life?

Limited options are available, some honest, some not so honest. But this is human nature, we do our best. Where did this rigid, moralistic, holier than thou attitude come from?
Smythe





Well, one of the things that differentiates myself from the pack here is that I don't consider myself controlling and possessive. Hence, if "cheated" upon, I would not ipso-facto take it as a "betrayal" and an emotional knife into my heart. My view is that under all circumstances, married or not, I want to remain "competitive" and not "controlling" and "assumptive" just b/c I am married.

When there is trouble in my marriage or something I don't like about it, I pipe up and angle to improve the situation. I do not take my wife's consideration of me for granted either, and I do not see it as my role to suppress her. Whatever she does, I know she does it with a reason in mind --- and that she would never have an affair to hurt me or our marriage. Frankly, I seeing having an affair as a healthy sign of problem solving and taking care of oneself, which is what I want my wife to do. I do not expect to meet all her needs or for her to find "everything" in me and only me for a lifetime.

So, this whole construct of "cheating" and "betrayal" really does not apply to me in the sense many idiots here construe it. Also, I think that my attitude towards my wife helps her feel more supported and open about what she does. So, it is my belief that if she is being secretive and not telling me everything, much of that has to do with me and not her. To continue this, I just don't readily conclude that marital partners are "victims." No, marital partners are actually part of the equation of everything that happens. So, if a married person is a "victim," the root cause of that victimhood might actually be oneself instead of the other.

I cannot speak for proudsub and her husband, but she confessed to an affair here --- and my take was that her husband did not respond to the situation as a victim. And, proudsub said that her marriage was strengthened in the end, and that she was thankful for her husband's attitude. To me, this is a good example of the complexitiy of marriage, relationships, and individual liberty. The main point is that people try the best that they can.

(in reply to Smythe)
Profile   Post #: 201
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/5/2006 3:23:11 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


I just don't readily conclude that marital partners are "victims." No, marital partners are actually part of the equation of everything that happens. So, if a married person is a "victim," the root cause of that victimhood might actually be oneself instead of the other.



Well said!!  That needed saying. 

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 202
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/5/2006 3:53:57 PM   
CAROLF


Posts: 56
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline 		This has been bothering me, since i posted, so i do feel a need to clarify:

as the debate continues...........i need to say............yes, i can't commit, i do not seek out married.  i want to find a single Dom.  Married men seek me out, have i played with em, well yea, do i regret it, yes i do.  my moral fiber tells me it is wrong, sometimes my libido doesn't give a shit.  i think the most important thing for me it to be true to myself.  i don't want to mess with some other womans husband.  it has happened twice over the course of many years. i don't commit, well, but i don't take it out on other women's men.  so i apologize for miscommunication.

(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 203
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/5/2006 4:40:16 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

I cannot speak for proudsub and her husband, but she confessed to an affair here --- and my take was that her husband did not respond to the situation as a victim. And, proudsub said that her marriage was strengthened in the end, and that she was thankful for her husband's attitude. To me, this is a good example of the complexitiy of marriage, relationships, and individual liberty. The main point is that people try the best that they can.


You said it better than i did.

quote:

To continue this, I just don't readily conclude that marital partners are "victims." No, marital partners are actually part of the equation of everything that happens. So, if a married person is a "victim," the root cause of that victimhood might actually be oneself instead of the other.  


I think Hubby would agree with you on this. He took part of the blame saying that He was sorry that He hadn't met my needs and that we had never communicated well when it came to sex.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 204
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/6/2006 2:49:37 AM   
urnotworthy


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		Another question/worry..

Worse case senario..say his wife finds out about "us". If they divorce what can she legally do to me if I have never met him in person?

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 205
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/6/2006 4:12:24 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: urnotworthy

Another question/worry..

Worse case senario..say his wife finds out about "us". If they divorce what can she legally do to me if I have never met him in person?


Slap your face?  Legally nothing. Any legalities are between spouses.

(in reply to urnotworthy)
Profile   Post #: 206
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/6/2006 5:29:04 PM   
la90066


Posts: 177
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: la90066

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

It's not only women that can feel this way but many men as well could never handle a poly wife.  
 


BINGO... I'm a MAN and a DOMINANT and there's no way in Hell I'd EVER be involved with a woman who was seeking "poly".  I seek a submissive/slave to take as my WIFE in a 100%, fuck-off world, she's MINE and ALL MINE, till death do us part, monogamous relationship/marriage.

And yes, I DESPISE cheaters -- irrespective of gender.




Then you despise between 50-70% of ALL adults in the USA. I'm not saying you shouldn't, you have your own values, just pointing out the figures research keeps coming up with.


Oh, you are quite correct in the research, however, I'm certainly not going to change my morals in this regard because the majority have none?!!  I know you may not agree with me, but certainly you can understand my position.

(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 207
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/9/2006 7:27:11 AM   
crimsonsluna


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		Guess you didn't follow your own advice and feelings... after you found out he was married you still put a collar on him?? YOU are the one confussed I would think. Over the weekend we were able to find our "place" again and things are going good now. I am getting him a collar today with a key so he will not be able to wonder off again. I do question how he thought it was able to have me, (his wife) you & 2 other girls in San Antonio that he was being a slave to. Busy guy I guess. We are doing ok now and are trying to get things back like they were. I am going to go to counseling myself as well but he told me last night he sees now that what he was doing with you was wrong & he wishes he would have never done it. He also agreed that he needs a "nice girl" & you are the wrong kind for him. Sorry you were hurt by all this. Your not the 1st and probably won't be the last. I do love him and we are happy now. I know I am just rambleing now so thats all I have to say. Just some simple advice.. leave married guys alone and you will be safer...

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 208
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/9/2006 7:32:51 AM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		but it was ONLY a blow job and the intern no doubt wanted to know if she could HUM the star spangled banner in the oval office...

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

This post is directed at no one in particular, and i'm just throwing this out for fun...sort of. 

All of you who are saying that cheaters have no moral character and can not be trusted in any relationship...were you on that bandwagon with those who were saying Bill Clinton was no longer moral or ethical enough to run our country?

Or where are the lines drawn?

i am asking this tongue in cheek, mostly, but it does make a point, no?  The irony of it all is i was on that bandwagon!  Only to find myself in such a situation a few years later (although i didn't have a country to run, lol)

And no, i'm not turning this into a political debate.  But a point was made earlier about cheaters being liars, thus opening Pandoras Box...thus drawing the question of what other lines are okay to cross.  It made me think of the Clinton situation.


_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 209
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/9/2006 8:32:30 AM   
acctonthelook


Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline 		Here's what I did...!
 
(First let me say I did not read 11 pgs of thread, but I like the topic.)
 
Met this Dom whose married and upfront about it.  He says his wife is into the lifestyle and trusts him to bring in a third for play.  I have never met, spoken online or even know if she has a profile anywhere online.  He's asked me to get together and play as her b-day present. Hmmm, through talking w/ him consistantly it is not the first b-day she's seemed to have??? Hmmm Makes one suspicious.
 
Story...of late.  He's trying to set up "play" prior to my moving away.  I told him I'd be more than glad to if I could bring a man I was dating for 2 yrs (married, but SO Vanilla) so he could fulfill his fantasy of watching me w/ another woman and being played with by another man.  Hmmm....ALL OF A SUDDEN - He has proformance issues and he's not all that comfortable with not knowing this 'guy' and neither would his wife.
 
Funny how things change so quickly!!!!  I just have to laugh!  He's has truly been a wonderful friend, though 'play' is just never gonna happen!  Too many secrets, Know there's too many lies!
 
Street Smarts serve me well. LOL

(in reply to urnotworthy)
Profile   Post #: 210
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/9/2006 8:40:44 AM   
METOO


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		Ah yes

The painful results of dishonesty rears it's ugly head

(in reply to acctonthelook)
Profile   Post #: 211
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/9/2006 8:57:28 AM   
acctonthelook


Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline 		Well he must really think I'm a dumb blonde, little does he know, I color it!  Hee, Hee, Hee! ((snikers))

< Message edited by acctonthelook -- 4/9/2006 8:58:36 AM >

(in reply to METOO)
Profile   Post #: 212
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/9/2006 9:29:19 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fyreredsub

but it was ONLY a blow job and the intern no doubt wanted to know if she could HUM the star spangled banner in the oval office...

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

This post is directed at no one in particular, and i'm just throwing this out for fun...sort of. 

All of you who are saying that cheaters have no moral character and can not be trusted in any relationship...were you on that bandwagon with those who were saying Bill Clinton was no longer moral or ethical enough to run our country?

Or where are the lines drawn?

i am asking this tongue in cheek, mostly, but it does make a point, no?  The irony of it all is i was on that bandwagon!  Only to find myself in such a situation a few years later (although i didn't have a country to run, lol)

And no, i'm not turning this into a political debate.  But a point was made earlier about cheaters being liars, thus opening Pandoras Box...thus drawing the question of what other lines are okay to cross.  It made me think of the Clinton situation.



LMAO!!  No doubt!  But damn if it wasn't hard to hear - - It kinda had that muffled sound to it.....

(in reply to fyreredsub)
Profile   Post #: 213
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/9/2006 12:31:07 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

We are doing ok now and are trying to get things back like they were. I am going to go to counseling myself as well but he told me last night he sees now that what he was doing with you was wrong & he wishes he would have never done it.


Crimson, I applaud you for giving him another chance.

quote:

Your not the 1st and probably won't be the last.  


If he wishes he hadn't done it the first time why do you think he will do it again?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to crimsonsluna)
Profile   Post #: 214
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 5/7/2008 8:19:21 PM   
justaDallasgirl


Posts: 38
Joined: 5/7/2008
From: the Rock
Status: offline 		although i came to CM looking for a potential boyfriend/Master...i ended up with a Married Master. 

i adore Him and He understands me completely, takes good care of me, and is providing me with a wealth of training...i know that i can never be with Him forever. 

if You think finding an unmarried sub is hard, try finding an unmarried Dominant who is truly a Dominant and not wishy washy, knows how to be Master in one minute but realize when the sub needs to be held or petted or pampered, and understands that my career is high profile so that i can't say or do things in public....
i haven't found one yet except for my current Master who i adore so much.  He knows i am looking for a potential "lifemate" and W/we are supposed to talk about that at some point.  He knows when to punish me, when to hold me, and when to not let me cum as well as to make sure that i am organizing my finances the way they should be because well...if i don't have gas money then i can't come see Him.  He is the first Dom that has made sure not only am i able to serve Him but to look out for my whole well-being and not just physical. It's been really nice to feel completely Owned and cared for.

_____________________________

i'm just a girl enjoying her place at Master's waist ;-)

(in reply to urnotworthy)
Profile   Post #: 215
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 5/7/2008 8:36:43 PM   
Knight0Errant


Posts: 32
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		*APPLAUSE*

JustaDallasgirl,  you just made my day. I'm a married Dom/master myself. I sometimes am disheartened with contending with the masses of subs looking for their 'one' who don't understand that it might be fulfilling and wonderful for them to have a good 'Master/Mistress for now.' Assuming that S/He  understands, respects, and cheers on the sub/slave's search for something more permanent.

It's a sad truth of life that all relationships are temporary. We all will die, if nothing else. Usually one before the other. So why not enjoy the love you can find and have now, as long as everyone involved understands that it is just for a time. Hopefully a wonderful time that all parties can treasure long after it is over.

I have a darling sub who is getting engaged to a truly wonderful young fellow. I will be formally handing her over to him as soon as they ask. Both of them have my love, regard, and best wishes. What a wonderful thing. And none of us would have that if My kitten had not offered herself to me 'temporarily'.

(in reply to justaDallasgirl)
Profile   Post #: 216
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 5/8/2008 2:13:59 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Must be a trend.  That's two threads called up from the dead on the subject.

Glad you're finding your way around.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Knight0Errant)
Profile   Post #: 217
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 5/8/2008 5:19:18 AM   
monywildcat


Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		To Meatcleaver: Good to know you aren't bitter...

I'm just teasing!  I had the same attitude shortly after the volcanic split with the x. Now granted, I am not getting married EVER, but mostly due to the fact that I do not wish to give the court system a say in my personal affairs.  But I'm no longer vehemently opposed to persuing a long-term relationship with a someone special, if that happens. 

My thought on the whole honesty issue, and the "oh by the way, I'm married" issue, is that honesty should be prevalent in ANY type of relationship, be it "vanilla" or otherwise.  Now, a person may not see the big deal with having a wifey or hubby who is completely in the dark about their spouse, that is looking online or elsewhere for a pain slut or insert-kink-here, but at least be upfront about it to any potential play or life partners.  Give that person the respect they are due, allow them to have the choice to continue with a married person or not, and if they walk away, then that's their choice.  Same with putting it upfront what it is that you are looking for.  If all you want is a playmate to beat on, then say so.  If you are looking for a serious, long-term thing, then say so!  If you aren't sure what it is you want, then say that too! 

(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 218
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 5/8/2008 7:42:54 AM   
johnxinxscruz


Posts: 53
Joined: 3/25/2006
Status: offline 		I never forgot I have a wife. I never hide that I have a wife. It's like my first or second (oldest) journal entry, even.

My last sub, though, forgot that she had a fiance. I didn't find out until after we had otherwise broken up that she had in fact been lying to me for the entire relationship. Suddenly, all of those little pieces made sense.

My point being: it's not just married folks that are the problem. Lying cheats come in all stripes.

[Mod Note:  username removed]


< Message edited by ModeratorEleven -- 5/8/2008 9:47:55 AM >

(in reply to monywildcat)
Profile   Post #: 219
RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 5/8/2008 7:47:16 AM   
MistressDarla45


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline 		well I just found out a few hours ago that the man I THOUGHT I was going to marry in a couple months has been cheating on me with another Mistress on this site called his cell phone and she answered.. I asked who she was.. I got 'basically' a friend. So when I got her phone # out of her emails to him I called her.. and HE is there .. she won't wake him up to talk to me. I can't believe SOOOOOOOOOOO many people are liars and don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 220
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