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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 4:05:58 AM

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at least you are honest upfront on the situation and give a girl the opportunity to choose...to continue

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 4:10:52 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: urnotworthy

. How do all of you happily paired up couples do it??

One way we "do it" is that we generally meet our play partners at face to face events like munches, classes and conferences. Online is for chatting and sharing information.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 4:12:26 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

i'm sure i dont have a wife.. but it'd be nice cos then i could make her clean my house naked alot. i think i'd enjoy having a wife actually. Maybe i should take applications? And i doubt i'd forget about having a wife as she'd be keeping the house clean alot. Sounds like a grand idea.. a wife..

Zsa Zsa Gabor once said in an interview years and years ago... "Wives are wonderful, everyone should have one..."

Like you, at times, I wish I had one... : )

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(in reply to RiotGirl)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 4:24:41 AM

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quote:

How do all of you happily paired up couples do it??

Sadly it is not only subs/slaves that lie. In 6 years of searching i was approached by more married and cheating Doms than i care to think about. Here is a tip; are they willing to give you their home phone number and can you call it at various times. If not they are probably married and cheating.

T o help you determine if they are real or not; once you are interested and talking ask to be allowed to email with other lifestyle people they have been involved with. If they belong to a bdsm play or munch group are there folks who will chat with you?

The largest issue i see here is your profile. You are looking for a partner yet you are advertising simply for a slut. You cannot engage in sex play 24/7. Even there your profile is deficient.

Try listing your likes and dislikes, both sexual and vanilla. Make some journal entries about your life goals, what you are looking for.

If your profile had popped up during my search i would have passed it over immediately due to lack of information.

Remember it takes time. Out of all the people i came into contact with online i actually only went to meet six. Of those i made good friends with two, an occasional play partner out of one, turned the rest down period.

Completely by accident one day my current owners profile popped up. Granted he is married, as his wife also had a profile here that was not an issue.

Both their profiles were well filed out; both had journal and forum posts i could read to get a feel for who they were. After the initial contact, lol, he actually made me so angry with his 1st response i blasted right back at him, we began a fast and furious email campaign. This progressed to phone contact. Eventually i traveled 2000 miles to meet them. Go read my profile and theirs (ScooterTrash, ShiftedJewel, PhoenixRisen ) after much searching on all three of our parts, safe to say this is a perfect match all the way around.

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(in reply to urnotworthy)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 5:19:26 AM

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quote:

urnotworthy: How do all of you happily paired up couples do it??

One word...

perseverance

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 9:44:52 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LordKhensu

Unfortunately there are many who are not upfront about who they are or parts of their lives they keep hidden. I am married with vanilla and that is always the first thing I say to anyone contacting me. No lies period. Of course it does not lead to many contacts but that is my station in life right now and I accept that.

Yup. Same here. First thing in my profile. "Married, getting a divorce, but open until the process is finished" (paraphrasing) ... and "if that's not ok, friends is good too". I'm interested in exploring this new side of myself, but I'm not in a hurry ... and I'm definitely not going to do it at someone else's real emotional expense.

IMO, my situation requires _hyper-honesty_. I have a coule women friends at the moment who have been burned by married men recently. I don't want to be one of those guys.

(in reply to LordKhensu)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 3:08:44 PM

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I have a question about BDSM and monogamy. If you are open and honest up front with your partner, is it such a problem being in a relationship while looking to start another?
I have had more that one sub at a time. Each partner was looking for something different, and each relationship was different. They all knew about each other, and that I was married. Each relationship ran it's natural course (as hopefully my marriage soon will).
My question is this: Is my polyamorous lifestyle as wrong as a person posting an ad asking for a sex partner when they're really seeking a life partner?
Thanx,
Doc, a newby

(in reply to urnotworthy)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 3:30:38 PM

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Joined: 7/27/2005
From: Memphis TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: toy4Doc

I have a question about BDSM and monogamy. If you are open and honest up front with your partner, is it such a problem being in a relationship while looking to start another?
I have had more that one sub at a time. Each partner was looking for something different, and each relationship was different. They all knew about each other, and that I was married. Each relationship ran it's natural course (as hopefully my marriage soon will).
My question is this: Is my polyamorous lifestyle as wrong as a person posting an ad asking for a sex partner when they're really seeking a life partner?
Thanx,
Doc, a newby

The default solution is to filter it through the handy, dandy "Safe, Sane, Consensual" equation, with the dial set on "Consensual". Everyone knows, everyone consents, you're good to go.

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(in reply to toy4Doc)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 4:23:46 PM

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The best thing I have ever done in my life was forget I had a wife. I don't know what the big deal is. Marriage exists to piss each other off and make each others lives miserable. I really don't understand why it seems such a big deal to so many people.

(in reply to MsBlackheart)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 4:45:19 PM

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Doc, This is a two fold answer and it is only my opinion. I have Dommed a few married men a married women but on all accounts except one their mate knew about it. Actually she knew, but choose to ignore the black marks over his body. When married men contact me I usually tell them ok I will Dom you if your wife is on her knees beside you. The reason for this is a sub can only have one Mistress and if he is married and wifey doesn't know then he is a cheat and a liar and I want nothing to do with him. I think you have to have honor before you can expect someone to trust you. Trust has to go both ways.
The second thing is I think the more subs you have the more fun you can have. As long as everybody knows they are not exclusive and all parties can get along. I have had two subs live with me on two different occassions. We played at times alone and at others together both in the dungeon and the bedroom. BDSM to me is not only an intense or edgy play where beads of sweat break out on you both or serious role play, but at times is plain ha ha fun.
So there are my policies and after 15 years they have stood me good.
Madam Jenny

(in reply to meatcleaver)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 4:49:15 PM

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It really would be nice if the married guys could REMEMBER they are married rather than advertise themselves as single, date you for a few months and then remember... they may be seperated... or um, still living in the same house but in different "wings".... lol... or um perhaps they sometimes share a bed when family visits for the holidays but nothing happens... or maybe YEAH this is the ticket, they sleep together but only have sex when she THRUSTS herself on him ...

sadly I bought it hook line and sinker ever step of the way.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 5:12:50 PM

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I must laugh at times from the ones that cheated on their husband/ or wife....and then get so pissed off when they are in the lifestyle and they find out their D/s has had their hand in the cookie jar too....Then raise Hell and cry foul! Yes, I have known one or two........so?
Not that it's right, because it isn't, but it is hypocritical, is it not?

< Message edited by fastlane -- 3/31/2006 5:15:51 PM >

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 5:31:25 PM

namasteguardian

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If I may play Devil's Advocate for a minute here, why do so many men hide they are married? Perhaps because so many women state in their profiles No Married Men? Kinda puts the guy on the spot, as he can choose to be honest, and lose the chance to meet the majority of the people who might enjoy him otherwise, or he can lie to give him a fighting chance at meeting people in a lifestyle where there are already far more men than women. I'm not condoning dishonesty, but I am saying I understand why a lot of guys do it.

So I'm curious, how many of you feel that someone is married is the issue? Or is it that they hide that they are married. Now, Be honest. If it is the latter, then being married should in of itself not be a deal killer, as long as a guy is up front about it. The majority of the time, that does not seem to be the case. Therefore, it seems to me, the issue isn't really that men lie about it, it is that most women do not want married men!

I'm married, and I tell all prospective partners this is so. The people in my local scene know I'm married. My wife knows I am into BDSM, and she is perfectly comfortable "loaning" me out as long as I come back to her. My being married has made it much harder to make connections; but I have had both flings, and ongoing, long term relationships (though obviously not 24/7) that have been terrific for me and my sub. Being able to meet with someone a couple of times a week purely for play is wonderfully liberating.

But there is no denying that I have been way more often dismissed out of hand because I am honest about my married status. I have missed out on what would probably have been some terrific relationships, and so have the subs who wouldn't even consider me. So my real question is, why the bias against married men?

Namaste, Sir Dominic

"Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it was meant to be fun!"

< Message edited by namasteguardian -- 3/31/2006 5:33:14 PM >

(in reply to meatcleaver)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 6:15:54 PM

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Maybe it's because I'm looking for a fetish partner while I'm living in the buckle of the bible belt. I don't know. It just seems to me that alot of people (insert gender) aren't looking for a sex partner so much as a life partner. A crutch. A happily ever after prince, and they don't mind if he's into tit torture to get it.
I hate to sound like a stereotypical lieing married man, because I'm not. I have had multiple subs, and it worked great. One for five years, one for three, another for three as well. They all understood that I was looking for something not available to me within my marital relationship, and they were fine with it. Besides knowing that I was married, they knew about each other.
When a woman talks about a married man being dishonest, but she's not looking for kink as much as a husband, or life partner at least, then who's being the most dishonest??

(in reply to namasteguardian)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 6:19:50 PM

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From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: namasteguardian

If I may play Devil's Advocate for a minute here, why do so many men hide they are married? Perhaps because so many women state in their profiles No Married Men? Kinda puts the guy on the spot, as he can choose to be honest, and lose the chance to meet the majority of the people who might enjoy him otherwise, or he can lie to give him a fighting chance at meeting people in a lifestyle where there are already far more men than women. I'm not condoning dishonesty, but I am saying I understand why a lot of guys do it.

This argument holds absolutely no water. If someone specifically states no married men, that doesn't put any men who are compatible on the spot. It the same thing as lying to a Master about your limits. He picks you because you are compatible, only to find out.. sorry, lied, not really compatible here and so sorry about wasting that year of your life. I know I am not what YOU want, but you are what I want, so I'll just lie to get what I want.. and pretty much fuck you over because, hey.. as long as I'm getting my rocks off, who gives a shit about you.

quote:

So my real question is, why the bias against married men?

Simply put, a lot of people aren't searching just for play or for any play, they want a relationship with some potential for some permanence. That's not a bias, it's a preference.

Celeste

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to namasteguardian)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 6:26:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: namasteguardian

If I may play Devil's Advocate for a minute here, why do so many men hide they are married? Perhaps because so many women state in their profiles No Married Men? Kinda puts the guy on the spot, as he can choose to be honest, and lose the chance to meet the majority of the people who might enjoy him otherwise, or he can lie to give him a fighting chance at meeting people in a lifestyle where there are already far more men than women. I'm not condoning dishonesty, but I am saying I understand why a lot of guys do it.

This argument holds absolutely no water. If someone specifically states no married men, that doesn't put any men who are compatible on the spot. It the same thing as lying to a Master about your limits. He picks you because you are compatible, only to find out.. sorry, lied, not really compatible here and so sorry about wasting that year of your life. I know I am not what YOU want, but you are what I want, so I'll just lie to get what I want.. and pretty much fuck you over because, hey.. as long as I'm getting my rocks off, who gives a shit about you.

quote:

So my real question is, why the bias against married men?

Simply put, a lot of people aren't searching just for play or for any play, they want a relationship with some potential for some permanence. That's not a bias, it's a preference.

Celeste

gives a standing ovation, bitatruble...... thank you.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 6:31:09 PM

zebra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: namasteguardian

So my real question is, why the bias against married men?

Maybe it's not so much bias as a differential of intent. One married man on CM is very disappointed in me because I won't meet with him. Not because he's married but because he cannot offer me the commitment I feel I need -- a commitment to the possibility of a future where I live in the same house as my dom or daddy or whatever he shall be. I want to be first on someone's list most of the time and to have him first on mine, despite work and other life issues. Being in line behind a wife and children and a job and Rover is tough for me. Bias? Maybe. Or maybe simply a matter of not wanting to dip into a situation that can't possibly result in an outcome that is good for both of us.

And even if you're lying in some anti-bias cause, it's a trust-destroyer.

(in reply to namasteguardian)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 6:31:58 PM

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The sword has two edges....nuff said!

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 6:35:14 PM

zebra

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Oops, guess this big mouth ought to learn how to use the "quote" function before writing responses. I meant to separate my reply from namasteguarian's quote:

Maybe it's not so much bias as a differential of intent. One married man on CM is very disappointed in me because I won't meet with him. Not because he's married but because he cannot offer me the commitment I feel I need -- a commitment to the possibility of a future where I live in the same house as my dom or daddy or whatever he shall be. I want to be first on someone's list most of the time and to have him first on mine, despite work and other life issues. Being in line behind a wife and children and a job and Rover is tough for me. Bias? Maybe. Or maybe simply a matter of not wanting to dip into a situation that can't possibly result in an outcome that is good for both of us.

And even if you're lying in some anti-bias cause, it's a trust-destroyer.

(in reply to zebra)

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 3/31/2006 8:17:01 PM

masochistecstacy

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quote:

If you are open and honest up front with your partner, is it such a problem being in a relationship while looking to start another?
I have had more that one sub at a time. Each partner was looking for something different, and each relationship was different. They all knew about each other, and that I was married. Each relationship ran it's natural course (as hopefully my marriage soon will).

Well, as long as your open, upfront, and it's agreed upon by all parties involved, yes. But if one party didn't agree, it wouldn't be right at all. Say, and this will never happen I know, just an example, my Love told me that He was going to take another submissive. I would have an absolute FIT, and if He insisted on continuing, our relationship would end. I am a strong believe in monogamy for myself, for many reasons.

quote:

My question is this: Is my polyamorous lifestyle as wrong as a person posting an ad asking for a sex partner when they're really seeking a life partner?

I don't think that your lifestyle is wrong at all- for you. You've said that you're upfront, that all parties involved know, and agree with the arrangement. So that's fine. As for someone posting in such a manner, well, I suppose that's all in the way they handle it. Maybe that's something they get into after they start talking to someone. If they miss people because of it, it's their loss. I know when I was looking for a partner, before I met my Love, I was sure that my profile was VERY specific on what I want and needed in a partner.

Anyways, that's just my viewpoint. *smiles*

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(in reply to zebra)

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