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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 3:16:09 PM

meatcleaver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

Glad you're having fun and don't have to do his laundry, but frankly, this isn't all about YOU.

It's about you?

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 3:19:42 PM

TexasMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119
Unfortunately, his loving wife of 30 years and his entire family may be the ones to live with the consequences. If SHE knows and doesn't care, no problem. If she doesn't? Then YOU and he both only share a small part of the consequences. Not all concerned parties are informed.

Glad you're having fun and don't have to do his laundry, but frankly, this isn't all about YOU.

Whether she's informed or not is his business, not yours. It's our business, not yours.

I'll post where I please, what I please.

Everything is all about Me.

<busts out laffing

Texas Maam

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 3:24:33 PM

MaitresseAzure

Posts: 6
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: Northeastern Ohio
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quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy

quote:

How do all of you happily paired up couples do it??

Sadly it is not only subs/slaves that lie. In 6 years of searching i was approached by more married and cheating Doms than i care to think about. Here is a tip; are they willing to give you their home phone number and can you call it at various times. If not they are probably married and cheating.

I never really thought much about this until reading this post...I have teenagers, and a dialup connection, so I never give out my home phone number because nobody ever answers it! I'll have to come up with something, though. I certainly don't want anyone I might be interested in to think that I'm hiding something from them.

Thanks for making me think about that!

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 3:27:26 PM

TexasMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

Glad you're having fun and don't have to do his laundry, but frankly, this isn't all about YOU.

It's about you?

It must be so, meatcleaver! Who knew?

lololol Texas Maam

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 3:43:27 PM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
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Hmm. "How do all of you happily paired up couples do it??" Thats a suggestive question. Maybe a better question would be, how DID we all do it? I personally did it the way you're doing it. But 160 times. Thats how long it took me.

Tell you what. Go and do a head count. See how many you're up to. If you're at say,...ten, then you'll be looking around for a while to come.

Although, love of my life was only at number four when we crossed paths. So maybe I know nothing. I do know women have to weed thru more prospects, and men less.

Its uplifting really if youre female. Not so great for our guys though. So have fun why dont you! Outlook is everything. Think how much you're learning. And dont forget to look outside the box. Broaden your horizens.

Not every Dom is as Dom as they think. Not every Sub is as sub as they think. Those are simply labels. So pretend you're at the overstock store or something. Look at everything.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 3:43:54 PM

MistressSassy66

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I agree just hang in there.
It can take a lot of frogs to find a prince.Or princess for that matter.

_____________________________

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In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 3:52:41 PM

Road

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Contrary to popular belief, there are couples out there in the lifestyle that don't mind their spouse playing with another. My wife and I happen to be one of those couples. We are switches and have both topped and bottomed to others; not that it is the norm but we also have an open relationship. Yes, there are those who give us all a bad taste in our mouth concerning ways they choose to use the lifestyle to persue their wants but it is important not to view "ALL" Dom's/sub's in the same light. To do so would be narrow minded and stereotyping at the very least!

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 4:01:10 PM

Sunshine119

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119
Unfortunately, his loving wife of 30 years and his entire family may be the ones to live with the consequences. If SHE knows and doesn't care, no problem. If she doesn't? Then YOU and he both only share a small part of the consequences. Not all concerned parties are informed.

Glad you're having fun and don't have to do his laundry, but frankly, this isn't all about YOU.

Whether she's informed or not is his business, not yours. It's our business, not yours.

Wrong.....it is only "our business" if his wife is involved. Your posts have made it clear that your relationship with him is deceptive. Are you aware what HER values are? What does SHE consider adultery to be? He made vows to HER. See, it's not about me, but it is about other people than YOU two.

quote:

I'll post where I please, what I please.

I never told you where nor what to post. Please, post anything you want! But that statement sounds more like a spoiled brat stamping her foot than a Domme.

quote:

Everything is all about Me.
<busts out laffing

Glad you see it that way. Let me know when you wake up.

_____________________________

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 4:01:54 PM

johnxinxscruz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

Then there are people who are truly honest and up-front about their marital status. In this category, so far I've seen Lordkensu and johnxinxscruz. Are they depriving themself of people by defining them such? Are they the stupid ones? I think they are among the most courageous. Two men who are struggling with their current situations and being honest about them. Will they have less "play" opportunities? Probably, but it doesn't look like they are seeking one night play. It's all about what you are really seeking.

Thanks :-)

As for what I'm seeking: I don't rule out 'one night play', but yeah, that's not really my style. I'm more of the mindset of "friends who maybe become friends with benefits who maybe become something more". A good relationship should include friendship, anyway, IMO.

And, am I depriving myself of people? Yes. There have been a few people who have said "friends only" or who outright say they don't want to talk to me. That's fine. I wish them the best of luck in finding what they want.

But one of them was rather disappointing. I met her on a different site besides collarme (bondage.com), and we're of VERY similar spiritual perspectives, including how we view the connection between our spirituality and BDSM. I respect that that makes her want to keep some distance between us, but ... it's disappointing. She can't be true to her spirituality by getting involved with me while I'm still married. I respect that.

quote:

For the record, well over a year ago I met a man in Lordkensu's current position who had one teen still left at home and couldn't financially or emotionally leave. Yet his wife and he had both already assumed different lives. He was honest about this before meeting me and letting me know that he couldn't get into a 24/7 relationship for at least a year. He appeared to me to be trustworthy and I was willing to just play to begin. His wife knew about me, even to the point of how to get in touch with me in case she needed to speak to him regarding their joint responsibilities. Then we wanted more than just play but both of us knew we had to wait until he could be free. We now live together in a D/s relationship 24/7.

Wow. That's really cool. Gives me some hope :-) And, congratulations to you two!

quote:

Honesty is the key. If you are honest and you get less replies, at least you still have honor.

And, on a similar note: I couldn't be true to my spirituality if I were to lie to people about something as important as that ... I'd rather be alone, than empty (of spirit or honor).

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 4:08:41 PM

Sunshine119

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quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

Glad you're having fun and don't have to do his laundry, but frankly, this isn't all about YOU.

It's about you?

No, not at all. But as long as you are married, it IS about more than YOU. When you share your "outside of your marriage" activities with your wife, then it will be about all involved parties. Until then, as far as I'm concerned, you are just a wanker out to get some on the side. Maybe if you have enough "time and resources" to meet TexasMaam needs, she'll forget you have a wife too!

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 4:31:22 PM

meatcleaver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

Glad you're having fun and don't have to do his laundry, but frankly, this isn't all about YOU.

It's about you?

No, not at all. But as long as you are married, it IS about more than YOU. When you share your "outside of your marriage" activities with your wife, then it will be about all involved parties. Until then, as far as I'm concerned, you are just a wanker out to get some on the side. Maybe if you have enough "time and resources" to meet TexasMaam needs, she'll forget you have a wife too!

I'm single so it matters little to me but fixed morals tend to be the good intentions that pave the way to hell. Human relations are complex and full of gray areas and denying oneself ones basic needs can lead to a barren relationship anyway.

As someone pointed out somewhere on these threads, one might want to keep a marriage together for a while to get the kids through college instead of having a divorce that could scuttle the education of the kids through fights about money.

Honesty is bandied glibby about these threads, its an easy sound bite.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 9:41:30 PM

sskitten

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Joined: 9/15/2005
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quote:

Everyone is honest until they are found out.

Count me among the married cheaters. Count my Dom among them, too. (His profile states his marital status up front. Mine does not but I have always made it clear in my first reply to anyone who has contacted me.) My husband does not know, though. My Dom's wife does not know. I know that makes us scum in the eyes of many of you.

I know cheating cannot be justified to anyone's satisfaction, least of all my own.

We are caught in a dilemma which seems to have a simple resolution for many of you: "Tell your spouse." I know without a doubt that if I tell my husband, the marriage will end. So, for many of you, the choices should be reduced to: "End the marriage, or end the cheating." I debate both choices every day. Even for those of us who have made the choice to cheat, it does not mean it is a simple blind choice.

I will agree it is a selfish and cowardly choice. But sometimes when I am trying to take stock I realize that all of the choices are dismal. In one choice I destroy my happy family. In another choice I am living a permanent lie, pretending to be someone I am not - pretending to be fully content and fully committed and fully vanilla, inside and out. In my current choice I am pretending to be faithful while secretly being true to my submissive self and seeking fulfillment of my submissive longings.

None of these are happy choices all around. I have tried living a permanent lie before (in my first marriage). I cannot sustain it for a lifetime. I ask myself which is the choice of least damage. I know for many of you the choice is clear and you consider the path I've chosen to be the one of greatest damage. But right now my family is happy and I am happy. I realize this is "right now," and in a moment everything could change and my family could suffer grievously. I realize I am hurting my family even if they don't know it. The sad thing is that I believe I would be hurting them with any of the three choices. I can leave or I can live a lie (with or without cheating).

One of the strange things that has happened is that I am actually in some ways more invested in my family's happiness now than I have been for years. I am happier inside and I am putting more energy into taking care of their needs. I have never put them first before my own happiness, including now... (it pains me to admit it)... but I am doing much more than ever before to put them first... with the enormous exception of my infidelity.

Pretty much every day on these boards I read indignant attacks on those who cheat. I think most of us who cheat sit quietly because we know there is no defense. But that does not mean we don't feel anguished inside... even as in some ways we are rejoicing to be true to ourselves at last.

There is no safe haven on these boards for those of us who have chosen to cheat. I think it is too bad. I wish I could discuss the issues involved without fear of judgments. Everything else in the world can be discussed nonjudgmentally here except that. I understand the judgments. But the judgments are not going to change my course; they are just going to inhibit my ability to share in a community to which I would like to turn for support of some sort - even when I am fully aware that my choice is insupportable.

Kitten

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/1/2006 10:29:04 PM

cloudboy

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In my own marriage the truth has a way of coming out, but I would never prescribe what other married people "should do." Its just too damn complicated and personal to issue simplistic edicts or pronouncements. Most married people do the best they can, that's one of the more reliable "returns" you get in spouse --- and if you can work with that --- the odds of you staying married increase dramatically.

Many single, unattached, monogamists seeking "the one" have never put their ideas into practice, and this is why their take on marital behavior oftens lacks insight, subtlety, and RW understanding.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/2/2006 3:30:30 AM

swtnsparkling

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quote:

There is no safe haven on these boards for those of us who have chosen to cheat.

Maybe because there is no Trust and Truth

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/2/2006 3:55:02 AM

meatcleaver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

quote:

There is no safe haven on these boards for those of us who have chosen to cheat.

Maybe because there is no Trust and Truth

I've always found that people who talk about Trust and Truth very rarely live up to such statements in the long run. It's easy to make such statements when one is in love with ones spouse or partner and one is happy with their sex life. I doubt many of those people would live up to their simplistic anouncements if they were in love with someone other than their spouse or their sex life wasn't satisfying.

Talking the talk is easy and I'm always suspicious of people who find talk easy.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/2/2006 4:26:08 AM

CanadianGuy

Posts: 219
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sskitten

quote:

Everyone is honest until they are found out.

Count me among the married cheaters. Count my Dom among them, too. (His profile states his marital status up front. Mine does not but I have always made it clear in my first reply to anyone who has contacted me.) My husband does not know, though. My Dom's wife does not know. I know that makes us scum in the eyes of many of you.

I know cheating cannot be justified to anyone's satisfaction, least of all my own.

We are caught in a dilemma which seems to have a simple resolution for many of you: "Tell your spouse." I know without a doubt that if I tell my husband, the marriage will end. So, for many of you, the choices should be reduced to: "End the marriage, or end the cheating." I debate both choices every day. Even for those of us who have made the choice to cheat, it does not mean it is a simple blind choice.

I will agree it is a selfish and cowardly choice. But sometimes when I am trying to take stock I realize that all of the choices are dismal. In one choice I destroy my happy family. In another choice I am living a permanent lie, pretending to be someone I am not - pretending to be fully content and fully committed and fully vanilla, inside and out. In my current choice I am pretending to be faithful while secretly being true to my submissive self and seeking fulfillment of my submissive longings.

None of these are happy choices all around. I have tried living a permanent lie before (in my first marriage). I cannot sustain it for a lifetime. I ask myself which is the choice of least damage. I know for many of you the choice is clear and you consider the path I've chosen to be the one of greatest damage. But right now my family is happy and I am happy. I realize this is "right now," and in a moment everything could change and my family could suffer grievously. I realize I am hurting my family even if they don't know it. The sad thing is that I believe I would be hurting them with any of the three choices. I can leave or I can live a lie (with or without cheating).

One of the strange things that has happened is that I am actually in some ways more invested in my family's happiness now than I have been for years. I am happier inside and I am putting more energy into taking care of their needs. I have never put them first before my own happiness, including now... (it pains me to admit it)... but I am doing much more than ever before to put them first... with the enormous exception of my infidelity.

Pretty much every day on these boards I read indignant attacks on those who cheat. I think most of us who cheat sit quietly because we know there is no defense. But that does not mean we don't feel anguished inside... even as in some ways we are rejoicing to be true to ourselves at last.

There is no safe haven on these boards for those of us who have chosen to cheat. I think it is too bad. I wish I could discuss the issues involved without fear of judgments. Everything else in the world can be discussed nonjudgmentally here except that. I understand the judgments. But the judgments are not going to change my course; they are just going to inhibit my ability to share in a community to which I would like to turn for support of some sort - even when I am fully aware that my choice is insupportable.

Kitten

I think this needed to be said, and you said it well. Thank you!

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/2/2006 4:33:00 AM

johnxinxscruz

Posts: 53
Joined: 3/25/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

quote:

There is no safe haven on these boards for those of us who have chosen to cheat.

Maybe because there is no Trust and Truth

I've always found that people who talk about Trust and Truth very rarely live up to such statements in the long run. It's easy to make such statements when one is in love with ones spouse or partner and one is happy with their sex life. I doubt many of those people would live up to their simplistic anouncements if they were in love with someone other than their spouse or their sex life wasn't satisfying.

Talking the talk is easy and I'm always suspicious of people who find talk easy.

Fine. You don't think they have any credibility in saying it, because they aren't in one of the situations you describe. So I'll say it:

There is no safe haven for those who have chosen to cheat because they have given up all right to trust and truth.

I am married, and I could choose to lie about it, I could have chosen to cheat instead of pursuing a divorce. I could choose to be deceitful to either my spouse or my prospective partners. It would, in some ways, be easier and get me some hollow thrills in the process if I were to lie about it. But I'm not choosing that path. I think I have plenty of credibility in picking up what swtnsparkling said.

You want to make excuses for those who are cavalier with the feelings of others, those whose actions show they are not trustworthy with the feelings of others, those who deserve no expectation that the things they say have any truthful value ... go right ahead. But don't hide behind such rhetoric about "fixed moral values" or how glibly you think honesty is thrown around. And certainly don't pervert other people's arguments about the need to keep a family concern going (_I_ have to keep marriage going for a little while to make sure my wife's insurance issues get handled properly ... I didn't have to lie to her nor my prospective partners in order to accomplish that; nor does anyone else who has a family concern). Doing so undermines your own credibility among anyone who has more than 3 working brain cells, or who isn't looking to rationalize their own behavior when they accept the rhetoric.

What you're espousing is, purely and simply, "My desire to get my jollies is more important than the feelings of those who get hurt in that pursuit". Period. No ifs ands nor buts. At least have the integrity to own what you're rationalizing.

And don't be surprised that there are plenty of people who want nothing to do with the people who take that position. Nor should you, or they, be surprised that few will offer them safe haven for doing so. The idea that they should get some pity because they don't get a safe haven on these boards is asinine.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/2/2006 5:56:03 AM

meatcleaver

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I guess I'm just not a puritan and sceptical of puritan values. It's surprising how many puritans are found wanting when push comes to shove. I just don't judge people whose situation I cannot experience.

Talk is cheap and sanctimony a purile trait. If you live up to your values then good for you, I doubt in the light of day many people do.

One skin crawls at the lynch mob mentality at times and prefer an asinine view, it might not have moral standards but it is free from jumped up sanctimony.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 4/2/2006 5:58:32 AM >

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/2/2006 6:19:50 AM

johnxinxscruz

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It's amazing how you leap from:

quote:

What you're espousing is, purely and simply, "My desire to get my jollies is more important than the feelings of those who get hurt in that pursuit".

to:

quote:

I guess I'm just not a puritan and sceptical of puritan values.

Seems to me to just be another dodge from admitting what you're espousing, as my statements have nothing to do with puritan values. But it's easier to offer a straw man that you wish to burn, than to deal with the actual statements that were made.

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RE: Forgot you have a wife?? - 4/2/2006 6:22:21 AM

meatcleaver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: johnxinxscruz

It's amazing how you leap from:

quote:

What you're espousing is, purely and simply, "My desire to get my jollies is more important than the feelings of those who get hurt in that pursuit".

to:

quote:

I guess I'm just not a puritan and sceptical of puritan values.

Seems to me to just be another dodge from admitting what you're espousing, as my statements have nothing to do with puritan values. But it's easier to offer a straw man that you wish to burn, than to deal with the actual statements that were made.

Just looking at the world, the worst crimes are commited by those people convinced of their own rightness than those humble enough to admit they have feet of clay.

I accept you live in a simple world, I don't.

I've actually been the position of telling my wife it is over and have witness the destruction and bitterness that can bring and how it can warp children so I am sympathetic to people who recoil from that scenario. Not many spouses go through divorce cleanly, the idea that being honest is the best root is not always true.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 4/2/2006 6:33:15 AM >

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