The Perils of Being Yourself

The Perils of Being Yourself (Full Version)

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leadership527 -> The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 8:31:22 AM)
reposted from our blog because I've seen many similar threads here... As a prelude because this is a BDSM specific site, the people in question on this post are practicing BDSM'ers. They strike me as fairly typical in that regard. They have a significant kink aspect to their relationship. They engage in bondage & discipline as well as sadism & masochism. The driving force for this is largely sexual although there is a significant D/s aspect that spills out of the bedroom. The reality of us that they were faced with was a TPE master/slave relationship. This is a sad time for Carol and I. We are moving... again. In the process, we are losing friends... or people we thought were friends. We allowed these people to see the true nature of our relationship and for at least one of them, it was so unpalatable that we were rejected. In the end, this is a risk everyone takes. It isn't a risk limited to people with oddball relationships. You could be as normal as the day is long (whatever "normal" means) and someone can still find reasons to fear/hate/loathe. You might be a wonderful example of humanity who happens to be a Mormon. Perhaps you're a catholic and your friend cannot get over the scandals of child abuse? Maybe your black? You might make too much money or perhaps not enough. It doesn't matter. There will always be someone, somewhere, who will find your own true self repulsive. The only question you have to answer is whether or not you will be open about who you are. Will you attend your own life as yourself? For me, I understood this risk when I allowed this couple to see the truth of Carol and I. But the alternative was even more disturbing to me... to live out my life in secrecy. So I gave them the truth and took my chances. I've given similar advice on various BDSM web sites. As an adult, I feel strongly that each of us needs to stand up for ourselves. After all, if you don't, then who will? And people who cannot condone whatever it is that you are... well... are they really your friends anyway? For some of these people it will be an honest inability to accept whatever facet of you bothers them. For others, it will be laziness... choosing fear and judgment over acceptance and understanding. In the end, it really doesn't matter. How can you possibly consider someone who rejects your true self as a friend? So with heavy hearts (and more than a bit of anger that we are trying to stay disciplined about), Carol and I pack up our belongings and proceed to the next stage in our life. We will move on, leaving the hurt, pain, and anger in our wake, trying to remember that we remain what we have always been... a couple who has been together for 15 years and pretty damned happy about that. Each year gets better. We laugh a lot. We make each other smile simply by existing. Our love and our marriage is the source of all goodness in our lives.

DomImus -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 9:10:47 AM)
My submissive/girlfriend/significant other has had experiences in the past where she shared this side of her life with friends of hers only to see them reject her for it. And other times she has shared it with friends and while they didn't understand it they accepted her just the same as they did before they knew. I have always been a believer that anyone can be a friend (or be friendly) in good times. You find out who your true friends are when the chips are down. Most of us have fewer true friends than we actually think we do. Maybe I'm an oddball but I have never felt burdened by the fact that those around me don't know what goes on in private in my life. Honestly, I've never felt a sense of exclusion by not knowing the private aspects of their lives and I'm probably much better off not knowing. If I could not fully pursue and enjoy these private aspects of my life without their full knowledge (and perhaps approval) it might be a different story but I've never felt that anything has been lacking in my private life due to the fact that they do not know. While it's wonderful to share your inner side and still be embraced for who you are I have never felt compelled to do so or unfulfilled by not having done so. As you rightly note, some people are going to find you repulsive no matter what. You cannot control that other than to provide them with the reason to find you repulsive. If you can get through your day to day life adequately without providing same my advice is just to not go there.

Missokyst -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 9:34:27 AM)
I agree. I have no need to share my private life with others unless they are in my intimate life. I do not regard this as secrecy. Revealing details about myself inappropriately would seem like arrogance. quote: ORIGINAL: DomImus Maybe I'm an oddball but I have never felt burdened by the fact that those around me don't know what goes on in private in my life. Honestly, I've never felt a sense of exclusion by not knowing the private aspects of their lives and I'm probably much better off not knowing. If I could not fully pursue and enjoy these private aspects of my life without their full knowledge (and perhaps approval) it might be a different story but I've never felt that anything has been lacking in my private life due to the fact that they do not know. While it's wonderful to share your inner side and still be embraced for who you are I have never felt compelled to do so or unfulfilled by not having done so.

LadyAngelika -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 9:36:18 AM)
What is not clear to me is are you actually physically moving due to the intolerance in your current circle of friends? That's just awful. Are you staying in the same area or leaving completely? I mean, you live in California... I tend to air on the side of caution and keep this kind of stuff private. My closest friends know, but not all. Only the ones I knew could handle it. The ways I see it, if what I do does not affect our friendship, there is no need for them to know. - LA

auditguy -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 9:40:54 AM)
Just keep in mind that the reason why they reject you is because they are too scared to face their own repressed desires and urges, which are reflected in your willingness to be open about it.

Titanium0Master -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 9:43:31 AM)
My life is nobodies business but my own and those I choose to share it with. You can choose to share the fact that you live a BDSM lifestyle, but it is just that, a choice. If you don't want to change the way you act at home or in public and the way you act makes it obvious to somebody what lifestyle you lead, than that is a choice too. Unfortunately some choices have negative side effects. So you just have to understand that and decide if it is more important to let others see you for who you are, or or if it is more important to not take the chance and lose someone.

GreedyTop -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 9:51:44 AM)
Jeff.. you and Carol will do what you need to for yourselves.. you will ALWAYS have my affection and best wishes,., (and hopes that you will stay in touch)

Phoenixpower -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 10:04:41 AM)
Somé of my friends do know about it...and some dont....the ones I really feel close to are likely to know about and yes, some of them left for good...or I left them for good, however you wanna see it...but thats ok...if they have to judge that then so be it... If I can't speak freely my mind with my friends and have to watch what I am saying, then they aren't my friends...they might be mates, colleagues, whatever...but friends to me are only the ones where I know I can be me how I am... sorry to hear that this experience affects you...

leadership527 -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 10:11:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika What is not clear to me is are you actually physically moving due to the intolerance in your current circle of friends? That's just awful. Are you staying in the same area or leaving completely? I mean, you live in California... These people are (or were) our close friends... our closest in fact. We had moved from California to be nearer to them. There was a shared vision of building a very tight extended family, almost poly in nature. That is why it was necessary to really, truly, expose ourselves. There'd been plenty of communication as well as face time. But what I think is that they had romanticized a lot of what they heard/saw. Given their generally kink and fantasy based approach to it all, it's not surprising in hindsight that they didn't realize we weren't talking either kink or fantasy when we said "master/slave". I might say the same thing of myself in reverse. I certainly did not understand the context in which they used the terms "master" and "slave". In the end, this is just another example of a LDR which didn't survive the transition. I understand that. But I find the specific reasons it didn't survive to be tragic.

ResidentSadist -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 10:13:34 AM)
Hope your move goes smooth and as far as those narrow minded people go... joke'em if they can't take a fuck!

DomImus -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 10:33:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I agree. I have no need to share my private life with others unless they are in my intimate life. I do not regard this as secrecy. Revealing details about myself inappropriately would seem like arrogance. I tend to agree with this in general. We often burden others with details about ourselves for our benefit rather than theirs.

LadyAngelika -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 11:07:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika What is not clear to me is are you actually physically moving due to the intolerance in your current circle of friends? That's just awful. Are you staying in the same area or leaving completely? I mean, you live in California... These people are (or were) our close friends... our closest in fact. We had moved from California to be nearer to them. There was a shared vision of building a very tight extended family, almost poly in nature. That is why it was necessary to really, truly, expose ourselves. There'd been plenty of communication as well as face time. But what I think is that they had romanticized a lot of what they heard/saw. Given their generally kink and fantasy based approach to it all, it's not surprising in hindsight that they didn't realize we weren't talking either kink or fantasy when we said "master/slave". I might say the same thing of myself in reverse. I certainly did not understand the context in which they used the terms "master" and "slave". In the end, this is just another example of a LDR which didn't survive the transition. I understand that. But I find the specific reasons it didn't survive to be tragic. Ok, so there is more to this picture than just being friends. You are talking about people you were building a poly family with. You moved to be with them. That is a whole other ball of wax. It is sad when things dbn't work out. I hope your move to the next place will be a good one. - LA

RedMagic1 -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 11:16:32 AM)
Hi Jeff, I think poly is fraught with far more obstacles than any straight-on BDSM kink, including D/s. There's a grunt-grunt-manly-man part of me that would love to be the head of an (otherwise all female) poly family. And, when I try to rationalize it to myself, I say, "If Ernst Schrodinger could be poly in the 1920s, I should be able to be poly moving into the 2020s." But when it comes down to it, my spider senses have always made me avoid such possibilities, and I've never regretted following my intuition in that regard. Ultimately, I've seen polyamory fail for the same reason communes fail: the economic substructure of the society does not support it. Yes, there are extremely rare examples of success, but, in general, once the funzy-wunzies wear off, people start thinking about "the future," and uncertainty about the future causes major relationship concerns to become unfixable worries. Since every relationship eventually encounters a major concern, well, blammo. If there were tax benefits to forming triads of adults, for example, you'd see a hell of a lot more polyamory in the US, overnight. My point is that it is not quite true that your friends rejected you (though I do understand they did). They rejected you within a particular context. Perhaps this makes nothing easier to swallow, and perhaps I misunderstand the situation -- but if I'm at least partially right, I hope this post makes what happened a bit easier to swallow. Best to both of you.

Level -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 11:33:29 AM)
Jeff, correct me if I'm wrong, but it was not an actual poly situation, as most know it, but just a group of kink-supportive friends? And I understand why you see it as "tragic"; you'd think folks into all this, to one degree or another, would be more open. Lastly, Imus is right, we have far fewer true friends than we often think.

lally2 -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 11:45:45 AM)
im so sorry for youre upheavals and lost friends. oddly enough this is a time for fresh starts. we are in the middle of Beltane at the moment, a pagan festival tied in with spring. may day tomorrow and tonight ill be in the wood doing my thang, so ill send you good wishes and strong energy from my bluebells in the moonlight. hugs to you and carol - xx

UniqueRaven -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 11:57:15 AM)
i greatly enjoy being a private person in general - not just my being a slave, but in most aspects of my life. And i resonate most with prospective Owners who also enjoy a great deal of privacy in their personal lives. i have one very close friend who i might - might - eventually tell about my being a slave. i'm honestly holding off to hear what my future Owner would want me to do, since she would meet him eventually and she would know, by default, that he's my Owner - and i would never be open about someone without their permission, even indirectly. i made the mistake years ago (in my 20s) of "oversharing" information with my friends about my struggling vanilla marriage i was in at the time. i realized, as i worked to try to hold my marriage together (and ultimately divorced him) that everyone knew my business - i had no privacy left. It was an embarassment just being around people, because i knew everyone knew what was going on and i was "that person" with all the issues. i swore after that point to never over-share again. Mystery is a much more attractive quality than open raw blatant honesty. People are drawn to mystery, especially if you're happy, and they don't need to know why....it is just a wonderful secret you get to have. i love secrets, they're like Christmas presents, presents that i get to share with one other person alone - my Owner. That intimacy is a core value of mine. In regards to your specific situation of the "psudo-poly" friendship, well, that's not fun, and a real bummer that you're moving as a result. Maybe you could smile and know that it is a risk you chose to take, and it could have just as easily turned into something wonderful instead of a heartache. i tend to think that the dynamics that break apart these sorts of situations go deeper than simply our-kink-is-not-your-kink issues. A bummer, for sure, and sorry you and Carol are having to deal with this. Yet another reason i'm not suited for poly. For me, privacy, and the intimacy of me and my Owner alone, is simplicity, and it is a wonderful thing. Good luck and hugs! [:)]

Mercnbeth -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 12:11:05 PM)
quote: These people are (or were) our close friends... our closest in fact. We had moved from California to be nearer to them. There was a shared vision of building a very tight extended family, almost poly in nature. That is why it was necessary to really, truly, expose ourselves. Thanks for adding that information. I was wondering why you would move away from intolerant neighbors, but appreciate the concept of a 'lifestyle' commune. I wish I could say it is a rare occurrence, but our experience has been just the opposite. If you are lucky, you may run into some individuals who can remain 'cross over' friends from the various versions under the big umbrella of 'alternative lifestyle'. However in groups the intolerance is common. As a M/s couple we've been unwelcome at 'Spanker' parties. 'Swingers' specify 'no bondage/pain freaks' in their profiles. We attended a forum where lesbian and gay men couldn't agree on a common policy and initiative against general intolerance. The 'Leather Men' were unwelcome guests at the gay and lesbian gathering in Washington a few years ago. I've seen it - I don't get it. Funny, but individually you again get total agreement, it's silly but it is reality. Nobody has ever given me a decent reason, or a good rationalization, why it happens. What's up with that? You would think being open and representing whatever you are would be welcomed by anyone feeling a similar bigotry and prejudiced pointed at them. I suspect it has something to do with confidence, or some paranoid self imposed projected guilt that anyone being 'outed' as guilty by association. Best of luck in your relocation - LA!?

DesFIP -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 12:19:05 PM)
Jeff, my sympathies to you and Carol. I know moving there was very difficult for you, her mostly, but now to have to do it all over again. take time to mourn and be easy on each other. I don't tell anyone how our relationship is set up. Because I know the very words we use to describe wiitwd scares people. I just let them see us together, see us in operation. He says "time to go" I say "okay honey" and make my goodbyes. The only person who has ever questioned why I do what he wants is my oldest who is very sharp. To her I just said that "just as I do things to make her happy, so I also do things to make him happy. Because I like it when I can make the people I love happy". That gave her a different view of it then him just making all the decisions and has made her realize just how much I've done for her. But using the buzz words would upset others needlessly. And that I see no reason to do.

leadership527 -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 12:26:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Level Jeff, correct me if I'm wrong, but it was not an actual poly situation, as most know it, but just a group of kink-supportive friends? And I understand why you see it as "tragic"; you'd think folks into all this, to one degree or another, would be more open. Lastly, Imus is right, we have far fewer true friends than we often think. We left the end-goal somewhat loose. We knew that we wanted two families very close. For instance, we envisioned dinner to be a communal affair more often than not. In fact, we expected to be spending a lot of time together. But I'm a step-by-step sort of planner so how close exactly needed to wait until chemistry revealed itself... which I suppose it did. And to be fair to them, over the year and change this was all being planned, Carol's and my dynamic definitely deepened rather markedly. For instance, to use a recent thread on collarme, "Would you strip in a public restaurant if your master commanded you to?" A year and change ago, that answer would've been either "no" or "probably not". Now it is unequivocally "yes". In my mind, the tragic part is that unlike Collarme, these people actually got to interact with us face to face. On collarme, it's easy to theorize all manner of horror and abuse scenarios. But they had access to real life data. The tragic part in my mind is that reality did not trump theory. And to be fair, I do not wish to paint these folks as "bad people". Yes, the situation is both sad and tragic. But I've come to understand that what we do is pretty abnormal, even for the BDSM community. laughs It's this vanilla guy's one bit of extremism among all you wild and crazy folks.

GraciousLady -> RE: The Perils of Being Yourself (5/2/2010 12:31:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika What is not clear to me is are you actually physically moving due to the intolerance in your current circle of friends? That's just awful. Are you staying in the same area or leaving completely? I mean, you live in California... These people are (or were) our close friends... our closest in fact. We had moved from California to be nearer to them. There was a shared vision of building a very tight extended family, almost poly in nature. That is why it was necessary to really, truly, expose ourselves. There'd been plenty of communication as well as face time. But what I think is that they had romanticized a lot of what they heard/saw. Given their generally kink and fantasy based approach to it all, it's not surprising in hindsight that they didn't realize we weren't talking either kink or fantasy when we said "master/slave". I might say the same thing of myself in reverse. I certainly did not understand the context in which they used the terms "master" and "slave". In the end, this is just another example of a LDR which didn't survive the transition. I understand that. But I find the specific reasons it didn't survive to be tragic. What I hear you say is you knew what you wanted but they did not thus they were at fault for the failure of your "vision". It seems to me the spicific reason this relationship did not survive was a total break down of communications. I can understand no chemestry after being together in real time but the basics of lifestyle preferences should have been as simple as I like this and that; what do you like? I know that sounds simple but it really is that simple. How could THEY not know? How could YOU not know?

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