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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked?

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Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 3:17:06 PM

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I have tried to be very clear about what it is that I'm looking for in my profile but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I have dated a number of of very nice men who have identified themselves as Dominantes yet can't even set the parameters for a relationship or guide me in what they want. I've also met men who identified themselves as sexual sadists who wanted a sub/slave that was more than willing to do everything listed in my profile but upon meeting them found out that a little hair pulling and a spanking is what they consider sadism. I realize that everyone has a different idea about what a Dom is and what "play" is but I'm not sure how I can be more clear and better target a compatiable man (or men). Your honest and kind advice is welcome.

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 3:27:32 PM

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Tell them what you just told us when the time is right and stop using the term "wannabe" it implies you really do NOT understand that everyone is where they are and we are all different. It doesn't make them less real, it makes them less compatible for your needs, that's all.

edited to add: the I love to fuck and have a high sex drive part is probably what is attracting trolls, but that happens to all of us, think about making your profile a bit more about you generally and realize that we all get cmail from people that we will never be compatible with, the numbers are skewed, chalk it up to another you aren't interested in and move on. It happens to everyone here.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 5/9/2010 3:30:42 PM >

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to SexySea)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 3:35:18 PM

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I want to be in control. To me, that's what makes a Dom.

I've known some "Doms" who couldn't manage to lead a vanilla conversation.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 3:50:19 PM

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To modify what Daksteven said, The real question ts whether a dom answers I want to be in control, or says that in any relationship he WILL be in control. I am easy and laid back, I do not appear controlling at all to the average eye. I am polite and considerate with people whom I do not have a contractual relationship. The sadist side only shows if I know that the sub has agreed to it..

My suggestion is contract with a potential dom, and negotiate not just a max but a minimum in your first encounter. Make it plain that the dom does NOT need to hold back and ask or suggest something extreme TO YOU for the first encounter. Example: request nipple clamps tight enough to make you cry as a starter, and tell them to ramp it up from there. If he puts you on a Japanes wooden horse then you know he is serious about the pain side.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 3:58:13 PM

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Be careful. Alot of guys (and gals, for that matter) use the word Dominant for the sake of widening the (excuse my language) "pussy pool"..
Good luck out there :)

(in reply to esoclectica)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:07:01 PM

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Hi Sexy,

It seems like you are dating these men way too soon.

You should be able to eliminate a ton of prospects just by interviewing them (online, phone..): what does sadism mean to you? What does dominance mean to you? Have you had IRL relationships? etc..

I also think you're looking for shortcuts. A "clear" profile cannot do the leg work you need to do before you meet someone.

And who says the most marvelous man in the world for you won't start out as a spanker and evolve into a wonderful, skilled Top? Or are you just looking for a temporary play-mate?

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to SexySea)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:09:37 PM

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You don't need a Dom, you need Uri Geller.
Doms are not actually mind readers.
How in the name of God is someone to know the point where you want to start?
I always start off gently, but sooner or later that old riding crop, single tail, tens machine and canes come into the game. You are the rare flip side of all the girls who come on here whining about us going too fast.
Work on those communication skills, you might just get what you want.

(in reply to SexySea)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:10:54 PM

Rule

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I am neither an actual dom nor a wannabee. I am Rule.

Be determined and wish to meet a compatible dom and the Divine will provide the opportunity - and make use of that opportunity before it is lost.

(in reply to SexySea)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:13:32 PM

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*Adores Rule*

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RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:15:00 PM

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quote:

Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked?

Yes

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(in reply to SexySea)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:27:49 PM

Aylee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

quote:

Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked?

Yes

No. You are an Anteater. AKA Mr. Floofykins

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:29:10 PM

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Are you KIDDING ME!!!!

Look at that Anteater. That is one bad ass dominant motherfucker!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Aylee)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:29:31 PM

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I used to be a True Dominant, but then I embraced my inner fake, and I feel much better now.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 4:43:00 PM

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And as always. one womans fake is another womans dream.

This thread ties in rather nicely with the one about understanding your partners motivation

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(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 5:30:29 PM

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OP, "wannabee" usually means "doesn't spank me in exactly the way I want".

You have a specific set of kinks and characteristics, and unfortunately haven't met the man who can fulfill all them yet.

But look at the task you have set for yourself-
You are looking for a man in his late 40's/ early 50's who is (presumably) intelligent, attractive, available, emotionally stable, financially stable...OK, so far, thats a tough match right there...

but also- you want him to enjoy BBWs, and be into the kink lifestyle, and closely match yoru desire for one who will take charge and be Dominant in the relationship, and be adept with paddles, floggers, and breast clamps and be able to hit that sweet spot of administering pain to the right degree without crossing your limits.

Oh, and you want him to be local to Calgary. And you won't be one of several.

Well, out of the million or so males in Calgary, how many do you think even meet this criteria? And thats where you begin, on Day One. After that, you begin dating to see if your personalities are compatible, and could possibly develop into a marriage, not to mention begin seeing if YOU can meet HIS list of wants and desires.

Sorry to be the buzzkill, but finding the One is always hard even for vanillas, and the more parameters you set, the smaller your dating pool gets.

(in reply to SexySea)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 6:04:26 PM

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Just as there are "bedroom" subs, there are also "bedroom" Doms. Being a "bedroom" kind of person vs. a "24/7" kind of person doesn't make you a "wannabe", it makes you a kinky sex kind of person. Not a good match for someone who wants 24/7.

You might try expanding your list of acceptable parameters.

(in reply to AnimusRex)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 6:27:22 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Are you KIDDING ME!!!!

Look at that Anteater. That is one bad ass dominant motherfucker!

pfft you lost your self-important title a few days ago....you're not even a wannabe!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 6:31:22 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: marylynn

Be careful. Alot of guys (and gals, for that matter) use the word Dominant for the sake of widening the (excuse my language) "pussy pool"..
Good luck out there :)

A lot of sub males have the same agenda.

(in reply to marylynn)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 6:51:31 PM

Aylee

Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Are you KIDDING ME!!!!

No.

quote:

Look at that Anteater.

The one attached to the imaginary cross?

quote:

That is one bad ass dominant motherfucker!

Well you got "ass" correct. So I will give you a 25%. Mr. Floofykins.

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: Are you an Actual Dom or a Wannabe she asked? - 5/9/2010 7:26:32 PM

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I briefly thought about being an actual dom. But then I started reading the list of rules that an actual dom had to follow in order to appear domly and I lost all interest.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SexySea)

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