RE: Mistresses giving up the search???

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RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 6:55:03 AM

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From: Mid-Atlantic area
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I have received so many emails from women who are questioning whether or not any true subs exist. I feel bad for them because I see these truly dominant jewels wanting so bad to connect with the right energy. I can see why they may become discouraged here. I’m not pointing fingers but I’ve never seen so much disrespect before or seen women being flamed over the stupidest shit.
It’s all wrong. A dominant seed needs to be nurtured and not stifled by selfish time wasters, ridicule & then judged for the type of dominant she is.
Ladies, trust me… there ARE in fact true submissive men or at least there is indeed a way to train them that way without sacrificing integrity, compassion, love & mutual respect.

I am always looking for honest relationships. Even if I am in other relationships. Not poly per se but enjoy having different types of relationships.

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(in reply to GoddessAlexia)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 8:03:05 AM

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Beyond all the techniques, empathy and attitude female dominants need to learn somethign that I think helps when they are feeling down about finding partners: Your own limits enforced.

I'm not just talking about BDSM limits. I'm talking about relationship limits and sexual limits. Don't just have them, live by them.

If you are only interested in developing long-term relationship don't settle for casual ones. If you don't want someone who tops from the bottom, when that happens, show him/her the door.

If you feel like you give and give and give... stop giving until you start getting.

Also try to be more realistic.

This isn't a tv you can turn on and off or a video store you can stop by and rent something -- this isn't even just in your head where you can control the fantasty interaction. It will probably take more time to find BDSM partners than vanilla ones, Ds ones with likely take longer than SM partners, and the more intense or long-term you want the relationship to be, the longer it will probably take to find and create it. And once you are in a relationship it's still work and it is going to be work for a long time acoming.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to openmindedslave)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 8:14:23 AM

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Well said and wonderful advice. I've often wondered if I'm just to particular and have found myself almost willing to settle... thankfully I've realized it in the nic of time and didn't screw up my life and someone elses. I know me well enough to know that I would rather have no one then be miserable with someone.

Thank you for a such a sane thought.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 8:32:28 AM

openmindedslave

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Since I asked this question...I have come to wounder if the precieved expectations of this lifestyle is what is causing so much anguish. Clearly, profiles are being written that say "long term, ""no game players" or my favorite is "must have web cam to prove your a woman (or man)" lol
The expectations or view of this lifestyle seem to come into conflict. Many have had their play time and want more .The level of some of those that respond simply are still trying to figure out what they want and our really not prepared for anything perment. Of course there are those that do get it .They have seen for themselves that all doms are not the same .And much like the vanilla world, you need to connect at some level if you want something long term and emotional... I guess in some ways the internet gives those who wish to hide and get off on putting people down a way to play. Its a shame.... we are all suppose to be adults here

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 8:48:56 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

Since I asked this question...I have come to wounder if the precieved expectations of this lifestyle is what is causing so much anguish. Clearly, profiles are being written that say "long term, ""no game players" or my favorite is "must have web cam to prove your a woman (or man)" lol
The expectations or view of this lifestyle seem to come into conflict. Many have had their play time and want more .The level of some of those that respond simply are still trying to figure out what they want and our really not prepared for anything perment. Of course there are those that do get it .They have seen for themselves that all doms are not the same .And much like the vanilla world, you need to connect at some level if you want something long term and emotional... I guess in some ways the internet gives those who wish to hide and get off on putting people down a way to play. Its a shame.... we are all suppose to be adults here

Its really tough, I know. I can't tell you how many guy yahoo me with no regard that I am working nor have they even asked permission. You can tell them a million times to email you but they still will page you trying to get those last selfish questions in or to chat you up.

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(in reply to openmindedslave)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 4:41:10 PM

openmindedslave

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You know I realize the question is beingasked of the wrong people. The people I should be asking the question to are probably no longer here lol

(in reply to DiannaVesta)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 4:51:59 PM

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quote:

You know I realize the question is beingasked of the wrong people. The people I should be asking the question to are probably no longer here lol

I think you asked the right people. These kinds of questions make us think and rationalize and find out that we are not alone... Thank you for asking the question and then listening to us rant for a few.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 5:09:21 PM

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Just remember, monolithic stereotyping does not the submissive make. Your inability to find what you seek just may be of your own making. You cannot define submission, only the submissive can do that and submission has nothing at all to do with lack of self respect and/or the courage of conviction.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 5:47:21 PM

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i am stunned to read the responses of the dommes as to giving up because of a lack of good subs to chose from. i for one am a novice sub looking to be trained by a domme and have found it virtualy impossible to make contact in my area.i would make a domme so happy and proud of me as i would her that she would be angry we didnt meet sooner. perhaps the guidelines are to scrutinizing? give me a chance and you will change your mind in giving up. golfguy

(in reply to openmindedslave)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 5:51:02 PM

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quote:

Just remember, monolithic stereotyping does not the submissive make. Your inability to find what you seek just may be of your own making. You cannot define submission, only the submissive can do that and submission has nothing at all to do with lack of self respect and/or the courage of conviction.

I'm guessing you aren't aiming this directly at me, it's just how you replied... right?

As I said, I know that I may be to particular at times... but it's my right to be, and if it means waiting for years or never finding the one I am looking for so be it, I have a very fulfilled life as it is now.

And unfortunately for all the submissives that really are trying, and really are wanting that commitment there are just as many, if not more, that see it as a game to play on the internet. And when you take a bunch of dommes that have been played over and over, that have put their hearts and souls into these people only to get burned in the end... well, again, unfortunately it's the ones that are really trying that are stuck paying that tab. I know it happens to submissives all the time as well and then we, as the dominants, are stuck paying that tab. In the long run all we can do is keep on keepin' on and get really good at diggin' through shit.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to ProperMaleMaid)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 6:57:32 PM

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From: Stockton, California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

And unfortunately for all the submissives that really are trying, and really are wanting that commitment there are just as many, if not more, that see it as a game to play on the internet. And when you take a bunch of dommes that have been played over and over, that have put their hearts and souls into these people only to get burned in the end... well, again, unfortunately it's the ones that are really trying that are stuck paying that tab. I know it happens to submissives all the time as well and then we, as the dominants, are stuck paying that tab. In the long run all we can do is keep on keepin' on and get really good at diggin' through shit.

I've talked about this many times before, and when I'm not getting flamed for saying it, I'm getting ignored because it's not as fun to think about it. But again, I think a lot of quality submissives have removed themselves from the dance mainly because of the hoops that have been put up due to the game players. Sure, I understand that they have made it much harder for a domme to find a quality sub, but at the same time, making it harder and harder for a quality submissive to find a dominant ends up doing the same thing on the opposite end: It causes submissives to discontinue their search, making it so that more and more of the submissives available end up being the ones causing the problems in the first place.

It's a snowball growing cycle of frustration that doesn't really seem to have much of a mechanism for stopping it.

Today, I kind of fell into the same mode because I discovered someone from my area that actually sounded like she was "real", as anyone can be real these days. I was going to write her, and then I realized (mainly because of seeing a listing right underneath hers from someone who has only been back with her profile for two days) that everyone and his brother is already writing to her, trying to convince her that they are real, when you know that she's lucky if 0.1 percent are actually real. So I didn't even contact her. I contacted one woman out of the blue since I've been here (about possibly serving her), and she sent me back a one line statement about how she's been contacted by so many people, she wasn't sure whether or not she could get back to me.

I mean, it's pretty easy to realize that giving up is more beneficial than continuing to try. At one point, zero sum payoffs convince every player that not playing the game is the better option (game playing, as in economic game theory, not game playing as in someone we find here all the time).

I don't know what is the solution anymore to this. Ten years ago, I don't remember it being all that hard, but nowadays, it's like contact has turned bad because instead of using it for communication in hopes of playing or connecting, people are using it for the play itself, kind of like guys who call to book sessions with pro dommes and hang up once they've heard her voice long enough to allow themselves to orgasm on the phone.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 7:16:14 PM

TeeGO

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That's no way to be, you have a lot to offer. Contact her and tell her why you would be worth her taking the time seeing if you can have a connection. There is nothing to lose in the attempt with potential of something great happening. There is no chance without the effort. Go for it. If your ignored, well so what, nothing will have changed for you.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/9/2006 8:18:30 PM

openmindedslave

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The reality of all these emails coming in is that most will not mean much. When they look at the distances...when they look at the one liners that say nothing ...when they realize they are not reading her profile....you might just be that diamond in the ruff everyone hope to find...Just understand and be patient about her contacting you ..Not everyone lives at their computer lol

(in reply to TeeGO)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/10/2006 3:40:18 AM

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quote:

That's no way to be, you have a lot to offer. Contact her and tell her why you would be worth her taking the time seeing if you can have a connection. There is nothing to lose in the attempt with potential of something great happening. There is no chance without the effort. Go for it. If your ignored, well so what, nothing will have changed for you.

I agree sarbonn, any dominant woman would honored to have you at her feet. Sometimes it just takes a while to figure it out.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to TeeGO)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/10/2006 3:48:59 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

The reality of all these emails coming in is that most will not mean much. When they look at the distances...when they look at the one liners that say nothing ...when they realize they are not reading her profile....you might just be that diamond in the ruff everyone hope to find...Just understand and be patient about her contacting you ..Not everyone lives at their computer lol

Entirely true. Of the dozen or so emails I got over the weekend, not one was polite enough or realistic enough to be met with anything but an immediate "no thank you".

Before you think I'm being too picky, these "offers" came from 3 different countries overseas, from several marrieds (even though I state I am only looking for singles - apparently they're an exception?), at least 2 that were only laundry lists of what they wanted me to do to them, and a couple of "if ur interested, email me at...." with no other info.

Not much for a lady to work with, eh?

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/10/2006 5:32:13 AM

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From: Ohio/West Virginia
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To say that I come and go wouldn't be as accurate as saying that I occasionally log on to update my profile or reply to a few forum posts. It has really gotten to the point that I dedicate as little time possible to online people searches.
All the replies here don't even begin to cover the frustration many of us Dominant women feel when we log on our computers. The players.... the "do me" subs, the "fulfill my kink" subs, the ones too scared to meet in person, the married guys, the subs 4,000 miles away, the ones who didn't even consider reading our profiles or lists of interests, the liars.... It all adds up to a very frustrating experience and instills little hope that there even is a needle in the haystack.
There are a few things I actively do, in order to make it a little less frustrating. I took the initial time to fill out the interest lists and tried to clearly define what I'm NOT looking for in my profile. Then I simply removed all my pictures. Now if someone does message me, it's a little more likely that they've at least read a few of my words.
You know, I really wouldn't even have a problem with one of the cross-seas submissives getting the benefit of a green card, *if they were a decent submissive*!

I set my standards. I set my limits. I put the ad out there.
But then I go about living my life off the computer. If someone compatible comes along, great. If not, I'm still going to have an enjoyable life, plenty of real time friends, a great family, and a good attitude.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/10/2006 7:25:56 AM

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Littlesarbonn: thank you for responding and sharing your thinking.
Littlesarbonn, no sense of urgency or emergency surrounds me and I reject entirely the self-defeating practice of attempting first contact. Neither do I suffer deceptive illusions about what dominance slavery and/or submission means to me or the nonsense of there being only one true way of expression the forces driving me from within. Clearly, I offer nothing informative in my profile, however, that was not always the case. At one time, I posted a few pictures and an in-depth depicting of both the passions driving me and experiences training and expertise’s surrounding me. In fact, at that time I spoke freely of the content of my character and the codes of honor guiding those things I aspired to beyond D/s.
Needless to say, the mail flooded in with absurd ridiculous exaggerated demands from shallow empty minded self-serving women so filled with themselves that even a remote clue of how dominance unfolds in a real life setting escaped them.

What I think I am trying to say Littersarbonn, is...many female dominators are causal of the so-called failures by submissives to follow through with responses in a protocol mandated manner and
the fraudulent disingenuousness so readily expressed by these ladies is not limited to the submissives exclusively.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/10/2006 7:58:00 AM

MistressLorelei

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In the vanilla world we live in and within the bdsm commuity, there are 'potential partners' who are game players, insensitive, self-serving jerks, and many who are just non-compatible. The partner 'pool' is smaller in this world, probably making things more difficult and more frustrating for all of us. Though, once that special someone is found, the frustration, and aggravation will have been worth every second of it.

Personally, if a profile is blank, or close to it, I assume the person doesn't think that finding the right person is worth the time it takes to write a little something sincere, and unless accompanied by an extensive e-mail, I have always by-passed them. In My profile, I wanted to give Myself every advantage so that the right person would read it, and think, 'hey, that sounds like me She is looking for'.... even if I had to weed out many who were wrong.

(in reply to ProperMaleMaid)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/10/2006 10:03:59 AM

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The key to "searching" is to enjoy the adventure of it, which is meeting others and learning about oneself.

When a person stops searching, they arguably stop living, so its important to be seeking something at all times, and its important to be open minded about what you find.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 4/10/2006 10:05:12 AM >

(in reply to openmindedslave)

RE: Mistresses giving up the search??? - 4/10/2006 10:32:43 AM

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Same here ShiftedJewel ... thankfully, we're finally done with our search (for submissives, anyway).

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

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