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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 6/28/2010 2:16:49 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: 81song

I think right from the get go if someone is married or in a relation and they do not tell their mate they are into D/s or any kind of kink well they are not being honest. It will not work and why for the life of me that people do that, well, who knows. It opens a whole another door if someone is open to their mate and tells them. If people would just be honest with themselves and others it very well might lead to what they are looking for.
I am told if a Domme has a married man and it is all very much above the board the it is to the advantage of the wife. But like everything else it can go many different ways.
Being upfront is the key.

Depends on the relationships. A Dominant can be a great ally to the spouse as far as getting the sub to behave properly as well as to take care of himself. On the other hand if those sorts of things are not a part of the D/s relationship the Domme is just going to be someone else the sub spends his time and resources on. Undoubtedly worth the fact that he is fulfilled for her, but not exactly a huge asset.

(in reply to 81song)

RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 6/28/2010 7:08:47 PM

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Holy rationalizations, Batman!

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 6/28/2010 9:51:22 PM

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quote:

I think that's got a lot more to do with the people involved than the institution of marriage itself.

Here is where we diverge. I'm much less idealistic that you, and I see the institution of marriage being much greater than the individuals jumping into it.

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 6/29/2010 6:05:17 PM

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IMHO, if someone is lying to their spouse, whether about their cheating, or claiming they were working late when they were drinking at a bar or playing golf, or trying to hide what they were spending by getting credit cards and intercepting the bills, or whatever, I would have trouble respecting them. I feel that being honest and able to communicate is very important. If someone cheated on me, I might still try to make things work, depending on what the circumstances were. The more and the longer he had lied, the less likely I could ever trust him again. I will not help someone lie or cheat on their partner, and I will think they are a horrible person for doing that. That goes whether they are married or in a supposedly monogamous relationship. If someone doesn't feel they can realistically hold to their promise of monogamy, they shouldn't promise that, and instead find someone who wants what they have to offer.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 6/29/2010 6:56:31 PM

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The really sad part is that it is totally unnecessary to live a double life. It is not nearly as hard as a lot of guys think it is to establish a very satisfying relationship with a dominant woman. And there is nothing else like it.

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/9/2010 1:00:41 PM

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Why is it that on every single thread its the same people responding. Im tired of reading these Dom lame comments. sorry.

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/9/2010 1:17:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: satyriasis

Why is it that on every single thread its the same people responding. Im tired of reading these Dom lame comments. sorry.

It's all a vast government conspiracy. We are all really CIA counter terrorism agents stuck in little rooms listening to people talk in Yemeni Arabic about their laundry, their cars, oil shares, their boring lives, and the crap on their TV - Dr. Phil primarily...they love him over there, go fig! This site is one of the few that have not been censored out by our network security wonks yet. Hell, we're not even kinky...you people are damn weird...but it beats doing the sudoko puzzle in today's paper for the 5th time...

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/9/2010 5:14:02 PM

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great thread..

thanks for an interesting read

Allie :)

( fast reply)

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/9/2010 6:44:20 PM

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i spy a freak?hehe ~

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/10/2010 9:15:20 PM

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Why a submit to a Domme, have you ever thought about submitting to a Dom instead? Just curious.

(in reply to chicagosubsteve)

RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/10/2010 9:29:45 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: curbisub

Why a submit to a Domme, have you ever thought about submitting to a Dom instead? Just curious.

I imagine part of what flips his switch is the idea of submitting to a woman. Also I don't know that finding a Dom would be any easier for him than a Domme, although it might be easier to get his wife to be ok with it.

(in reply to curbisub)

RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/11/2010 4:03:16 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

I imagine part of what flips his switch is the idea of submitting to a woman. Also I don't know that finding a Dom would be any easier for him than a Domme, although it might be easier to get his wife to be ok with it.

I wouldn't bank on his wife being OK with that. She might start thinking he's not only into straying outside the marriage, he's 'going gay' as well. Awkward. It's not helped by the fact that there seems to be a widespread belief amongst certain sorts of women that men just cannot be bi - they're always either straight or gay.

I've come across quite a few couples who'll go to BDSM clubs and will play, but don't do anything outside of the clubs or without being together at the same scene. If I were kinky but had somehow ended up locked in a vanilla marriage, I think that sort of arrangement might be the first thing I'd try - after, that is, talks about, and explorations of, kinkiness with my wife, herself.

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/11/2010 7:52:20 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Marriage is not really set up for honestly and open communication; that's part of the problem. I think there are very sensible arguments for lying, keeping things tight, and being careful. Just because honesty and open communication are working for me, doesn't mean that's going to work for someone else.

A lot of people in life are trapped, and they want to live a little bit outside of their situation -- according to the Salon article, this is a perfectly natural impulse -- even though its largely viewed as antithetical to marriage.

To each their own, but I am utterly appalled at the idea that anyone thinks it's a good idea to commit to a life partner with the idea that you must be dishonest and closed to them rather than opening and maintaining healthy lines of communication. There's a difference between not telling your partner that you think their favorite tie looks like a dog threw up on it and hiding major shit going on with your life and how you feel. The former is learning how to express opinions in a tactful way, and the latter turns your marriage into a hollow mockery of a relationship where you don't actually have a life partner, you have a ball and chain that you must tiptoe around and pretend to be someone other than yourself for.

I can't imagine any worse hell than that, honestly. I'm good with poly, NOT good with lying or cheating or sneaking. I'm currently in a stable poly LTR with no drama where everyone is open, honest, communicative and speaks up clearly for what they want and need. Nobody feels trapped because we *can* go "visiting" or take vacations when we like. This may be antithetical to the mundane Judeo-Xtian idea of marriage, but it works very well for us, and I don't think it would work at all if we were not honest and communicative with one another.

I've also been in monogamous by choice relationships where the "visiting" we did outside the relationship was more on the order of going off and pursuing our own interests, the ones that didn't necessarily thrill our partners. That also worked well for not feeling trapped. Honesty and open communication were still absolute keystones of making the monogamous relationship work.

If you are lying and deceiving and misrepresenting and not communicating with your partner, you don't have a partner any more. You have someone you're using as a convenience. That may still be a marriage in the conventional sense, but it's not a partnership in any sense that I can believe in.

< Message edited by LadyNTrainer -- 7/11/2010 7:53:27 AM >

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RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/12/2010 10:33:28 PM

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Thank You A/all for a very interesting read. i'm a married sub/slave with a wife who is slowly accepting my surrender. She is very conservative however with small steps and focusing on her needs, i am finding some fulfillment of my needs. As the kind people of CM have pointed out it does not need to be kinky to serve and find an element of D/s. This all happened through slowly opening to her about my "needs" and her thankfully wishing to be open to the idea.
Best to communicate and share rather than bring to much drama into a marriage imho.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/12/2010 10:50:32 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

I imagine part of what flips his switch is the idea of submitting to a woman. Also I don't know that finding a Dom would be any easier for him than a Domme, although it might be easier to get his wife to be ok with it.

I wouldn't bank on his wife being OK with that. She might start thinking he's not only into straying outside the marriage, he's 'going gay' as well. Awkward. It's not helped by the fact that there seems to be a widespread belief amongst certain sorts of women that men just cannot be bi - they're always either straight or gay.

I've come across quite a few couples who'll go to BDSM clubs and will play, but don't do anything outside of the clubs or without being together at the same scene. If I were kinky but had somehow ended up locked in a vanilla marriage, I think that sort of arrangement might be the first thing I'd try - after, that is, talks about, and explorations of, kinkiness with my wife, herself.

No, I certainly wouldn't bank on it. I just know that for many couples something with the same sex is considered less threatening than something with the opposite sex.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/12/2010 11:29:33 PM

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It is not just men that play behind their spouses back. Back when I first joined this site I met a girl. She seemed nice and real. We talked online for a bit then met. We played with each other a couple of times and everything seemed cool for awhile. Well I found out she was married and playing behind his back. I told her that I was done. She wrote me a few e-mails that went from , we are getting a divorce, to ,he doesn't understand me,. I finally had to block her because the e-mails became I will find out who you are talking to and tell them how you treated me etc. She is still on this site and fetlife. Still cheating on her man that does not understand her.

(in reply to Nineveh)

RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve - 7/13/2010 8:29:14 AM

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There is no doubt that men and women both cheat - it just tends to be the males who come on here and post asking how to get away with it ...

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