If There Were Fewer Drive By's

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If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 8:12:46 AM

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For the purpose of this discussion, I am going to roughly define a drive by as the following:

A random post by those who we are not very familiar with on this board who wants to discuss his kinks/wants/sexual desires with the expectation that we will automatically respond even though we don't know him. Also known as wanker posts or some other term where the focus is on what turns on the originator of the thread. Perhaps falling into the "how many of you are into X kink activity" that is discouraged in the Frequently Asked Question section.

Using that rough definition, would you post about your kinks, turn-ons, or sexual desires more if there were fewer drive by posts in this section?

In My opinion, I think more of us would. I tend to believe that women talk more openly about the topics of our desires when we feel it is a safe environment to do so. We are more likely to be open about our thoughts when we are in a situation that we know our comments are not going to be exploited in some way. For example, there are some of us that will have a night out with just the gals where we'll talk about some thought or idea that turns us on, but we might not discuss the subject if there is someone that we don't know all that well or if we're in mixed company.

After being a member of this forum for a few years, I think back on some of the threads that we have had in the past on a variety of subjects. I do notice that fewer of us talk about our kinks, etc now than what we used to. Is it the drive by type of threads that have played a part in that change? Do you think it is something else? Is it simply because some of the forum regulars that we used to have are no longer here and the ones that we have now aren't interested in more kink centered discussions? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 8:40:39 AM

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I absolutely agree. I hold back quite a bit on the boards, just because I feel as if I am feeding wankers, or inviting presumptuous commentary from men who wouldn't get a second glance from me in real life.

I have no solution, of course.

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 8:43:13 AM

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I think it's a gender thing. Sub women are also circumspect about being absolutely frank about what we desire in detail because we don't like getting mail saying we should leave our doms for this strange fella who promises to do us. You get the responses on the boards, we get it in our inbox.

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 8:49:59 AM

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I am not sure if I would or not.

Part of this is that after a while, most things have been hashed out. I actually think new folks posting is a good idea. The problem comes from HOW they post.

Perhaps we could be a bit... nicer... (yeah I just said that), in our explanations to some of these people?

A whole lot of people have what you could called an off view of what this here thing is about to many of us.

I am not talking about some of the really obviously stupid posters. I do wonder though if sometimes we don't paint everyone with the "wank" brush a bit too fast.

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 8:50:28 AM

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We get it in our inboxes, too, Celeste. In spades. Often with full colour pictures!

I've noticed that we just stopped talking about scenes, even, or technique issues. When you look at the boards as a whole, this is the one that seems to be fading away. We spend a lot of time arguing over trivia, having one sided discussions, and pointing newbs to the FAQ or the search function.

I will grant you that I really don't have much to talk *about* anymore. I know my own needs and personal philosophy, and if I have a problem I am not likely to address the internet at large for a solution. I can share what I know, pass it on, and learn from the experiences of others, but when it comes to starting new threads? I got nothing.

Most of the "regular" posters here are gone, both male and female. Those of us left are getting random attacks and snarky remarks. It doesn't make for a very motivating atmosphere!

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 9:42:01 AM

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nm...posted on wrong thread!

Doh...

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 10:01:30 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

After being a member of this forum for a few years, I think back on some of the threads that we have had in the past on a variety of subjects. I do notice that fewer of us talk about our kinks, etc now than what we used to.

This is why I enjoy reading through older threads. If I have a particular topic that I'm curious about, 9 times out of 10 if I go back through older posts I'll find something useful. I also appreciate the different style that's found on some of those threads...less snark/tomfoolery and more information and actual discussion.

quote:

Is it the drive by type of threads that have played a part in that change? Do you think it is something else?

Drive-by threads really don't bother me because I've learned to ignore them. Something else? I think it's just the influx of new people...curious people who tend to have little to no experience with anything more than rough sex and a bit of bondage with a partner. I also think, as has been mentioned in the past, there's less attention or interest in topping/bottoming and more paid to D/s relationships from some of the regulars (how many posts does a person need to be considered a regular?).

quote:

Is it simply because some of the forum regulars that we used to have are no longer here and the ones that we have now aren't interested in more kink centered discussions? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.

Yeah, I've noticed an exodus of some of the forum regulars over the 2 1/2 yrs of being around here. As we all know, some move to other sites...others, I think, just move on in life and posting on a forum becomes kind of low on their list of priorites. Like life, though...change is constant.

Personally, I don't feel the need to share my private/sexual proclivities. I'm not in a relationship and also not really looking for an activity partner so my interest level has dropped significantly. That doesn't mean I'm not interested in a thread on different techniques for a certain activity, it just means I probably won't involve myself in the conversation.

Just a few random thoughts............

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 10:48:45 AM

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It's all cool guys. I'm abit new to these forums and I'll probably get bored and leave soon enough. However, I do learn from reading your posts.

I've known about bdsm since i was 10, but didn't understand it. When I was younger I had thought subs were deficient people who lacked something or enjoyed being miserable. (Which triggers nothing but empathy from me.) After I realized I was wrong, it now find it quite useful to know what motivates submissives and what makes them happy. Additionally, reading about other dominant styles is useful in defining and explaining mine.

It's pretty useful, since I thought for awhile there that all I was good for is wrecking vanilla relationships by wanting things to be on my terms* or having casual sex with dominant overtones. Which isn't that bad, but the realization that I can keep someone happy for more than a week at at time is ... awesome.

*Some people fail to accept that I refuse to be a slave to a telephone and pick it up when I'm focused on something or someone. If that doesn't do it, the next attempt at pussy-whipping me usually does its job at exposing me as "selfish". I respond positively to well-presented requests, but not all the time.

Also, I'm not a "wanker" nor am I looking to cyber. ( specific kinks don't do anything for me without the implication of control ;/).

Other than that, I don't know what more you could want out of an audience. I'd share experiences or fantasies with you, but I somehow don't think you'd see it as appropriate. And the answer to most questions really is: "talk to your partner".

So, thanks. I hope you feel warm inside. (Don't let it get to you too much, I'll still be offering presumptous commentary.)

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/12/2010 10:52:48 AM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 10:53:37 AM

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I don't think any one was pointing at you.

You seem quite reasonable to me. It is good to have some new blood here.

Otherwise it can get a bit incestuous.

No kink intended.....:)

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 10:59:50 AM

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There are times when I've seen a thread started and believe that the person is trying to see who answers yes to a certain kink so they know who to email. Takes a bit of time and effort out of their search for this one thing and they narrow the search down. I base this on things I have experienced and seeing people say... thanks for the email now that you know I am into this, but I am still not into you!

I am careful about what I put on my profile and on the boards. Whenever I put something more personal out there, I do get emails from seekers of whatever it is.

Yet, there is also an aspect of this that doesn't have anything to do with this and that is I am very selective in who I get involved with. So I don't play as much as others do and really don't feel I should be talking about what I am not doing and what I might fantasize about or might want.

I know a number who have claimed they left because of people bothering them when they talked about kink and all that the people around here wanted was kink with them. They got tired of the insincere wanting kink rather than something they respected, whatever that was. I can understand it, but no kinky guy seeking is going to run me off any more than he will convince me to get kinky with him. I stay because I wish to and I do wish we could bring back some meaty topics in some ways... but even back when I first started there were problems here. There always will be of some sort. It is what it is... I will stay as long as I can handle whatever it is and feel the people and activities are worth it to me.

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 11:02:03 AM

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I think I shared my viewpoint on this in the other thread about CM. I don't really get the whole "wanker" kneejerk reaction to SOME threads. There really is an overly cautious group reaction towards sharing any sexual content here these days that I don't fully understand and I don't see it on fet at all. I'm not referring to the first time poster that says subbies tell me how you like to be fucked in the ass, they totally deserve the response that they get imo. I mean the aversion towards discussing explicit sexual details overall here when it is very much a part of WIITWD for many of us.

That having been said, I do know that once I share something here that is explicitly sexual, male lurkers hit my cmail. I ignore them, but that might be part of the aversion. Additionally, for those of us that have a partner that is also on the boards, I do recognize that sharing those details might be a bit inappropriate about THAT relationship.

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 11:18:14 AM

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Hey Twoshoes, I wasn't snarking at you! Of course, you haven't directed any rancid sexual remarks at me, either!

Or should that be

!

This IS a seriously incestuous site. I was just at lunch with a gal pal I hadn't seen in awhile, and she was telling me how she ditched this site because of how nasty we were. She felt totally beat up here, and that we were a bunch of old pals with a million in-jokes, and not welcoming to the new. I dunno. I've been here for five years. I bulldozed my way in to the giant gang of P & RS, and have a solid place there. I guess it's all in your approach, and your personality. It is true that Collarme has never been a place for the thin skinned. I have always been an edge person, and so I feel that I have to MAKE a place for myself. I don't expect to be handed anything, or to be instantly accepted into the group hug brigade.

But I was... so again, I dunno. People like me!

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 11:50:12 AM

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Yes

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 1:05:12 PM

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Interestingly enough the other side of the story is, that by automatically branding every new-comer as a wanker, new discussions are discouraged and people are afraid to ask questions. You can even see this on the front page - there are few hundreds of active users here (Active Users: There are 388 members and 1020 guests), but only few dozen of users participate in discussions. Even just this week I saw several people who made their first post on the forum asking for help and their registration dates were between 2005 and 2007.

So the other side of the question would be: if people were more open, how many additional legitimate new topics/posts would appear here?

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 1:10:38 PM

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That's the thing, Thatsub. We have seen a LOT of posts come and go. We can spot the wankers with I would say a very high success rate.

How legitimate IS a post asking "how should I find a sub for SOME OTHER DOMINANT"? Do we need to give that serious consideration? I can assure you that posts like that were vilified in the early days too.

What I DO feel is wrong is the hating of necro threads. We TELL people to go to the archives and search!! Why should we not accept that an old thread deserves new life? (okay, not all of them...) Honestly, would you rather have a thousand threads on punishment, or safe CBT, or ONE long thread with a lot of information?

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 1:19:43 PM

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Oh, I am not arguing that these threads exist and I've seen plenty of them. Some of them make me laugh out loud and I can't figure out why people post what they post.

All that I am saying is, that for other posts that are not clearly wanker posts (could be, but you're not 100% sure) give people benefit of the doubt. There is no need to reply to wanker posts either - let them die. Some people post just to have you read it and by posting a response you give an acknowledgment that you did, i.e. you give them what they came here for and encourage them to do it again.

< Message edited by thatsub -- 8/12/2010 1:20:07 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 1:28:50 PM

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Oh I agree there has been FAR too much feeding of the trolls lately.

But here I ask: what ABOUT folks like the two that started lengthy, bombastic threads? I PLEADED with my friends to let those threads die. Where's the happy medium? You can't convince me that those men were not trolls of the first order. We have a few more floating out there. (Yes, it is fun to poke them. )

I suspect that many new posters are getting the afterburn from just too damn many morons. Blessings on those folks who answered on the what is a munch thread.

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 1:37:34 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

We can spot the wankers with I would say a very high success rate.

And yet, that hasn't seemed to stop me.

First of all, there don't seem to be any doors here to lock and keep 'the best of us' in. What we say here is for everyone, whether they be wankers, lurkers, or people from the future. As we see from some of the double-digit posters, as opposed to those of us with 4 and (sheesh) 5-digit posts, 'reasonability' shouldn't discriminate. You are 'you' before you make your first post here, and you might not be all that different days/weeks/months/years down the road.

And even the wanker posts. If one were to change the wording, put a different spin, make it seem less one-handed, there are still reasonable questions to ask. If we are (ahem) 'experts', this is the right place to come to find out some burning issue. Except for those requiring antibiotics.

Jeff

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 1:40:51 PM

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The lurkers see that when someone posts something, they are usually told to read the faq or they get blasted because the question has been asked in the past. It's the Internet, everything is archived - you could literally search on any topic on here at this point. Why post at all?

If I were lurking, based on the reception most people get, I wouldn't delurk either, or follow up.

Akasha

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RE: If There Were Fewer Drive By's - 8/12/2010 1:47:41 PM

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I don't care what anyone writes. If there were fewer drive bys, it would not change my posting behavior; I reply to what I find interesting, new or old posters.

I find it sad that people would be intimidated to post anywhere they like; who cares what others say back to you?

Online is a medium with no tone, only words that the reader interprets through their own lens.

Whether one thinks a thread is for wanking or asking for serious advice, is subjective.

I personally miss the more sexually open threads, I find them hot, lol.

(in reply to AAkasha)

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