RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage

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RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/22/2006 7:43:21 PM

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Cloudboy i admire your stamina in these threads. I posted what I had to say about infidelity in the gazillion other "stoning" threads that took place so I will only say I bet that poor woman at the well was glad Christ finally came along. The one perfect being, and yet the only one to forgive with compassion, and to teach with a gentle heart.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/22/2006 7:55:38 PM

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I do not wish to judge you. I have been where you are, as in, within a unfulfilled marriage. And have not told him about it so as not to 'devastate him'. But in the end, it crawled to its natural conclusion, it ended.
No relationship can possible succeed, if both parties needs are not fulfilled. Be it vanilla or bdsm, a relationship is a relationship.

Your Dom, who is wonderful. He has begun a relationship with you based on dishonesty. Their is deceit, and there cannot possibly be trust with your history. It too, seems doomed.

My advice would be to value Yourself, and those around you more. You and your partner both deserve the best. Set him free, so that he can move on, and find someone who wants to love just as he is, vanilla. Then you too are free to move on in your search for your Dominant. I believe all relationships have a beginning, a middle and of course a end. Your current relationship is not in the first two catagories.
Be strong, do not settle.
littleone

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/22/2006 9:25:10 PM

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Sometimes an uninspired marriage chokes someone's spirit. Sometimes a person needs to risk the safety of the status quo. Sometimes a person cannot suppress their own needs any longer. She already knows the risks, better than you.

One thing's true, you don't really believe in postive outcomes. Pessimism and judgment have their place, but when someone reaches out for help and understanding, your POV is like throwing heavy stone to a distressed swimmer. I suppose we should just blame her for jumping into the water like the gallery of this thread was want to do. She bolted. I don't think the posters who caused her to run should feel any pride in that.

Its just a very tired cycle I've seen here.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/22/2006 10:59:52 PM

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Cloudboy, I really don't see what I've said that should have upset you so much, and some of your comments make me think you haven't read very carefully.

I never judged her. I even said I've been in her situation more than once before; in fact, that's the only reason why I feel that I can speak about this subject. Nor do I believe anything I said was "pessimistic." If you can think of a good outcome that I've overlooked, by all means tell us about it. I don't think there is a good outcome to a situation like this (except being honest with one's spouse, and after that either an open marriage or an amicable divorce)--and it's not "pessimism" to acknowledge that. If you have to have an "ism," it's realism.

She asked for "insights," and I gave her the same advice I'd give a dear friend: the sooner you get out of an unfulfilling marriage, the less damage you'll cause to everyone involved. Sorry if that's "pessimistic." I think it's sound advice. And I learned it the hard way myself.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/23/2006 7:37:29 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I think it's sound advice. And I learned it the hard way myself.

I suppose my problem is that you gave generic advice and never bothered to try and understand the OPs situation. Ideally the OP would have been better able to standup to CMMB Marriage Bureau.

I just don't like snap judgments or auto-advise when it comes to questions about marital difficulties. I know you were not "judgmental," but IMO you were not too helpful either. Its not easy to be helpful to such a person, but because I have a very close understanding of her own situation, I at least know how not to make her feel like shit right off the bat. (I know you didn't do that.)

If she can't "deal" on the MB, I do think she's in for it in real life. O well.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/23/2006 8:45:41 AM

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The way I read it she asked for insight on the situation and if any other submissives had been through it, not what people thought of her for cheating. hell if the girl had said *I'm cheating on my husband by having a Dom on the side, what do you think of me because I am doing this?* I would fully expect everyone to take their shots I'm not bashing anyone or jabbing at anyone as I am far from perfect myself, I'm pretty much accross the other side from perfect it just scared me somewhat how fast people were to become agressive and to jump.
Then again i'm also the girl who has waded into a fight outside a club and broken it up without knowing who started it simply because the 3 on one odds were unfair.

dia

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/23/2006 10:01:13 AM

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I don't see that the OP did much to explain the peculiarities of her situation, either. If she left out some important information that invalidates what I (or anyone else) was saying, that's hardly the responders' fault. My advice to anyone is always going to be that dishonesty kills relationships. And she said she was asking for insight--not sympathy.

Anyway, we're beating a dead horse with this one, especially since you seem to know the OP personally and she has stopped participating.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

I suppose my problem is that you gave generic advice and never bothered to try and understand the OPs situation.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/23/2006 10:42:14 AM

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jewel,

I truly feel so sorry for the pain you are going through. No one has any right to judge you or your actions because they do not live your life. No one in this world is perfect and we all do things we are not proud of. My heart goes out to you because it sounds as if you are hurting very much. Please feel free to email me any time you need to talk
best wishes

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/23/2006 12:42:17 PM

Areflectionofyou

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hopefully there are no children in the marriage....

(in reply to collaredheart)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/23/2006 3:58:33 PM

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i've never been married, so i can't directly relate to your situation. i can, however, offer advice.

Don't lie to your husband about this. You should tell him the truth, that you are looking outside your marriage to fullfill your BDSM desires. It sounds like the only thing you could do to him that would be more devastating than seeing this Dom would be for him to find out some other way. If your husband is ok with this, great, if he isn't, then you may have to decide which means more to you: your marriage, or your unfulfilled desires.

You also need to be honest with the Dom. Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship, and D/s relationships are no exception.

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/23/2006 8:49:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Anyway, we're beating a dead horse with this one, especially since you seem to know the OP personally and she has stopped participating.

Since I came to her defense, she decided to move in with me. Of course that only happened after her husband chased her about the house with a pitch fork for cheating. When he ran out of steam, he was so devasted by her betrayal of him, that he committed suicide by watching Fox News over and over again, hour after hour, so much so that he could no longer breath through his own throw up --- in the end asphysicateing himself.

He's to be buried tomorrow under a shroud reading, "Its all her fault, that dishonest bitch. She ruined our marriage. She's disgraceful."

Reports that he probably would have beaten her to a pulp had she "been honest," are said to be exagerated --- but its too late now to know how that might have played out.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 4/23/2006 8:53:56 PM >

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/23/2006 9:22:27 PM

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Yeah, whatever. She said she loves him dearly and can't tell him because it would devastate him--not because he's a raving lunatic who would beat her to a pulp for cheating on him. Of course, that would be a lot more dramatic.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/24/2006 7:40:36 AM

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Wow, what a thread... Someone wants comfort from a group of kinksters, because she can't live up to her marital vows, and her husband isn't dominant enough. So she comes to a PUBLIC fourm, (note, this is not a support group here) finds out that she won't get the support she needs to justify cheating on her spouse, and runs away crying.

To make matters worse, we have some posters claim others attacked her by voicing their opinion on a PUBLIC fourm, and telling her she's committing adultery, which is exactly what she's doing, not thinking about doing, pondering doing, she's plain out cheating on her spouse.

This is a public fourm, and ALL opinions matter, including those of you who condone cheating, and those that don't. If you don't like someone's advice, either debate them, or ignore them, but there's no need to bash them.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/24/2006 7:44:42 AM

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All I see is many people inflicting their values on the op. It must be awesome to be so perfect in your lives.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to subrob1967)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/24/2006 3:04:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelofthenight

i am sorry that i have angered so many people and i am just sorrry...

i really am devistated over this i feel like i tormented soul. i will go back to the one i love. I thought there would be some compassion here but i see i am the one at wrong here.

i will try not to bother your forum any more, Thank you for the direction.
julie

To jewelofthenight (if you are "Lurking"):

I am feel awful that I am late reading this post.

Well! I DO have much empathy for your situation, jewel of the night (I realize your profile is gone now, but you can e-mail me if you want to sign back on briefly even. I think I understand how you might feel (really).

I was finally so miserable in my 15 year marriage (in which there had been almost no sex after the first 5 years, no children in sight n (and am past an age I'd have them now, thanks to staying with him) his being gone all the time due to his elective yet very long work hours), I almost committed suicide trying to stay within the bounds of the religion I was raised in and also via pressure from my family of origin because "divorces just don't happen in this family".

After 8 years of trying to entice my husband into having sex and inject some life into our relationship (and I consider myself an attractive woman and he told me I was and acted on that thinking during the first 5 years we were married, but was rarely the aggressor in the bedroom after that (which I disliked, and tried everything I could think of to change) - I had a very satisfying and fulfilling affair.

After years of feeling ignored so much I felt I was going to completely disappear, a very kind and attractive gentleman made me feel life was worth living again. He also introduce me to bdsm actvity, which I'd longed for.

I did end up feeling guilty (and that feeling was NOT "justified" come to think of it) about my "affair"and ended it, as kindly as I could - I regret having hurt that man to this day, if I did (which I think I did, at least a little, and also still care deeply for that man). He has contacted me since my husband's death wanting to "revive things."

My husband was diagnosed with bone cancer late last Summer and I stayed with him and cared for him until his hospitalization the last 3 weeks of his life (He needed me there. If I had it to do over, though, I WOULD DIVORCE him; I was miserable with him and even did not adopt or bear children I had initially wanted when I married due to trying to please him (and I WAS MONOGAMOUS for 8 years while becoming gradually ever more miserable with him).

If you want to talk to me more about your situation, jewelofthe night, feel free to contact me. To know something about mine, just read my first post on these boards entitled: "Maybe I am a Whore?!"

If you want to talk feel free to e-mail me on the other side (if you even sign on for a brief while as a member. They'd probably not stop you from doing that here at CM, you know. And I don't have your e-mail address now that your profile is gone.

Please don't give up hope you can be happy. And please don't forget that tommorrow is another day. Hugs.

Do I understand your predicament? YES, I THINK I CAN. Hang in there (and let he or she who is without proclivity toward______cast the first stone..).

And CLOUDBOY...YOU are a Submissive man HERO! (I am completely serious. You are right on target on this).

-susanofO

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/24/2006 4:03:24 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 5:58:59 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

All I see is many people inflicting their values on the op. It must be awesome to be so perfect in your lives.

So you're saying that not approving of adultery, & infidelity, are our values? And that a marriage is not a legally binding contract?

Last time I looked, the person who commited adultery usually gets the shaft in the divorce lawsuit, but I guess thats perfectly ok with you, seeing how your "values" allow for an open marriage, even when your spouse doesn't know, and you're afraid to tell them.

Perfect, far from it, and I haven't seen anyone here claim to be.

_____________________________

http://www.extra-life.org/

(in reply to KatyLied)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 6:43:35 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subrob1967

So you're saying that not approving of adultery, & infidelity, are our values? And that a marriage is not a legally binding contract?

Last time I looked, the person who commited adultery usually gets the shaft in the divorce lawsuit, but I guess thats perfectly ok with you, seeing how your "values" allow for an open marriage, even when your spouse doesn't know, and you're afraid to tell them.

Perfect, far from it, and I haven't seen anyone here claim to be.

Your profile states:

>I have been told I have a great sense of humor, and in fact tried stand up comedy...but my feet got tired so I had to sit back down<

A "great sense of humor" usually requires someone to "get it."

Since you're so up on what marriage is all about, why don't you share your own experience in this area. When did you get married, how did it go, and what lead to your divorce?

(in reply to subrob1967)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 6:44:48 AM

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I choose not to judge her by my value system. She has to live in her life and she knows more about it than we ever will. She has already stated that she is full of anguish. I'm sure at this point she regrets her post.

I get tired of the rush to judgement that I see in this place on a regular basis. People imposing their value system on others, people projecting their feelings on to others. It's a dysfunction, that on some days amusing, other days I just shrug.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to subrob1967)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 7:13:20 AM

withinYOURshadow

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at some point in life - and especially as we get older - we realize that our individual needs must be met. this should happen responsibly but in the end we need to be able to look back at our lives with no regrets.

(in reply to KatyLied)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 7:42:43 AM

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Well said Within Your shadow....
I'm 48 now..been married 24 years... When I was single..or even for the majority of my married years...I would have been of that fidelity at any cost mindset. Real life leads to different answers for some people. Human relationships are very very complex... there are actually spouses that prefer to look the other way and do not want to be told that you need more. They are happy with the relationship "as is"...don't want to change it to make it better for you. Believe me... my spouse does NOT want to know .... I am faithful to him in the most important ways. I don't expect any to understand..just telling you all that the right way "on paper" to handle things is not always the right way in person.

< Message edited by KimberlyK -- 4/25/2006 7:44:14 AM >

(in reply to withinYOURshadow)

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