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RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 7:47:02 AM   
jezzabelle


Posts: 391
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Southeastern, MA
Status: offline 		It really is a pity that jewel felt the need to run when she didn't receive the "support" it seemed she was looking for when she made her original post.  If she had stuck around and read more of the responses here, she might have gained some of the insight she had been seeking.  I don't agree that anyone personally attacked her and called her a hussy or even said she was a bad person.  I didn't see that once.  What I saw were people offering advice (perhaps not always in the best form) telling her that she really should come clean to her husband because continuing down the path she is on will only lead to heartache in the end.  I've noticed some here offered her pity because she's not getting what she needs in her marriage, but what about her husband?  Why should he suffer so that she can be fulfilled?  From her original post it sounds like she loves him very much, that she's not completely unhappy, and that they do still have sex, although just "vanilla" sex.  Hell, that's more than a lot of married couples have as Susan pointed out about her marriage. 

If jewel were still around, I would have asked her how exactly she tried to talk to her husband about her interests.  She said she tried to introduce him to it and he was "mildly disgusted".  How many times did she try to introduce it?  Did she give him time to absorb what she told him, or did she just give up at that point?  Sometimes it's all in how it's brought up.  Maybe he was disgusted because he doesn't understand.  She states that her husband would be devastated if he found out.  Well, of course he would, but not because she decided to be in the lifestyle, but because she is cheating on him.  I had been where jewel is now, although I didn't go so far as to cheat.  I've been with my husband for 13 years now, married 9 years as of tomorrow.  I didn't know anything about the lifestyle til about 3 years ago and it explained what I had been feeling for years.  So I did research, read everything that I could get my hands on, talked to many online.  And when I thought I had a pretty good grasp on things, I talked to my husband about it.  At first he really didn't want to participate, but that was only because he didn't understand it.  He was under the common misconception that the lifestyle is all about pain and he had no desire to hurt me.  He did more reading himself, met others in the lifestyle with me.  He is now learning to be my Master (Lordandmaster's best case scenario) and I couldn't be happier.  We had discussed Lam's second best case scenario, even met a potential Dominant for me.  Meeting him made my husband realize that he didn't want anyone else besides him owning me ( color me happy for that one!!!!).  I love him too much to ever hurt him which is why I gave him the benefit of the doubt and talked to him about everything first.  It didn't happen overnight, and I didn't drop everything on him at once.  I introduced him to things slowly, gave him things to read, let things absorb before I brought something else up.  It took a little over two years to get to the point where he decided I was his and his only, but it did happen.  Perhaps if jewel had done the same, things might be different for her now, perhaps not.  She unfortunately has already taken that choice away from her husband by deciding to have a relationship with a Dom already.  I just really hope that her choice doesn't come around to bite her in the ass someday, for all involved. 

(in reply to jewelofthenight)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 7:56:06 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subrob1967

Last time I looked, the person who commited adultery usually gets the shaft in the divorce lawsuit, but I guess thats perfectly ok with you, seeing how your "values" allow for an open marriage, even when your spouse doesn't know, and you're afraid to tell them.



Actually..........I guess it depends where you looked.  California, as well as other states, is a "No Fault" state.  Meaning external affairs, abuse, etc. does not come into consideration.  You divorce due to unreconcileable differences, or insanity.  If both parties are of a sane mind, everything falls into the "unreconcileable differences" category.  I could have had 10 affairs going on at once, and it would not have made a bit of difference in the attorney's office.

(in reply to subrob1967)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 8:48:13 AM   
Happilymarried


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline 		Jewel, I hope you read this.  Maybe it will give you some hope.

I have been in a similar situation, my husband is very vanilla...or at least he was.  I was very curious about the lifestyle after meeting someone online who introduced me to this site.  I considered having an affair.  I even chatted with a Dom online.  We did not meet because my husband found out that I was chatting online with him and emailed him.  I'm not quite sure what my husband told him, but he deleted his account and has never contacted me again.  My husband has never said one word to me about it.  We both know that the other is aware of my indiscretion.  Instead of confronting me with the issue, he is trying very hard to be more dominant in our marriage, not just in bed.  The whole situation has made me feel closer to him than I ever have.  I can look at him now and my heart melts to know that he loves me that much.  I love the fact that he realizes that I have a real need and he is doing everything that he can to fill it. 

Hope my story helps. 


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 2:30:20 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		This goes to the heart of the matter.  Tell hubby what it is or get the fuck out.  Your story is one in a million.......why ruin everbodies life?  If you don't commmunicate ......and I mean communicate what it is, how are you so sure they will take it badly or won't get it.........after all, you (the one that thinks they are finding themselves) hasn't been a really good self-communicator up till that point in my estimation.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Happilymarried)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/25/2006 5:31:57 PM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subrob1967

Wow, what a thread... Someone wants comfort from a group of kinksters, because she can't live up to her marital vows, and her husband isn't dominant enough. So she comes to a PUBLIC fourm, (note, this is not a support group here) finds out that she won't get the support she needs to justify cheating on her spouse, and runs away crying.

To make matters worse, we have some posters claim others attacked her by voicing their opinion on a PUBLIC fourm, and telling her she's committing adultery, which is exactly what she's doing, not thinking about doing, pondering doing, she's plain out cheating on her spouse.

This is a public fourm, and ALL opinions matter, including those of you who condone cheating, and those that don't.  If you don't like someone's advice, either debate them, or ignore them, but there's no need to bash them.


Well-stated, subrob1967.  I agree wholeheartedly.
 
Be well,
Julie

(in reply to subrob1967)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/27/2006 12:33:21 PM   
cutelinygurl84


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline 		I am in a similar situation as to what you are in.  My Dom who is my bf and we been dating 3yrs is very vanilla.  I cant get him to spice things up for me.  I would never however go outside the relationship.  I love him with all my heart and I am beginning to except he is vanilla and I will never get him to change.  Well I am at the point where I would give this lifestyle up for my bf.  I mean I need it but at the risk of loosing my bf who I love to death I just dont see how its worth it.  Me and my bf talked a lot of this out this pasted weekend.  So I agreed to never leave my bf over the fact  he is vanilla I guess I will just have to give the life style up who knows thats still up for debat.  My bf told me flat out this weekend he is not sure he can give me what I need and I totally understand.  But I also love him alot and he is my life.  I also hope to marry him one day.  So I guess for me it would be easy to sacrifice and give it up for my bf.  I dont see it as fair him asking me to give it up but life is not allways fair and sometimes you must sacrifice things for the one you love so you dont hurt them.  Thats just a little bit about my story.  Thanks for listening.

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 106
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/28/2006 12:36:17 AM   
littlepetkana


Posts: 26
Joined: 11/23/2005
From: Kansas
Status: offline 		To me, this is your decision. I didn't read through all the posts, and I've never been married myself. I've cheated, and I've been cheated on in very serious relationships, however.

A male Dom friend of mine had to look outside his marriage. After ten years he had could not stop denying his "urges" but could not leave his wife that he loved. Yes, it's a problem. But he dealt with it how he felt he should.

No matter what, you should deal with it how you feel you should, thinking of EVERYONE involved.

(in reply to KimberlyK)
Profile   Post #: 107
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/29/2006 7:09:05 AM   
analsub


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/19/2005
Status: offline 		if you are orally satisfying him and introducing toys, perhaps paddles and plugs for him to "try using this on me honey", then i see how no man could resist the temptation to take you over his knees and try that paddle out, insert the plug etc...treat you like the "submissive to his will" gal you wish to be...I know it is my dream for my wife to approach me with these ideas, cause secretly inside all men crave the desire to be serviced...then at times to serve.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/29/2006 10:26:26 AM   
Summarizer


Posts: 12
Status: offline 		Thread Summarized:

Your husband got fucked over and should rightfully take you to the cleaners.

(in reply to analsub)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/29/2006 10:28:24 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Identity Summarized:

"Summarizer": Unmannerly narcissist who can edit a thread to 50 words or less while crying: "Read my thread! Read my thread! Read my thread!

TM

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 4/29/2006 10:29:02 AM >

(in reply to Summarizer)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/29/2006 10:34:44 AM   
DarkSideOfThMoon


Posts: 117
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		Cheating is cheating is cheating, for whatever reason, chating within a marriage is adultary. If you cannot live without D/s then you should end the marriage/relationship. Otherwise it causes hurt.... having both is a selfish way out...

(in reply to Summarizer)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/29/2006 10:36:39 AM   
Summarizer


Posts: 12
Status: offline 		Summarizer struck a nerve, this usually happens when the truth is told.

Following Summarizer from thread to thread only gets a texastroll blocked and rendered irrelevant.

Have a nice day :)

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/29/2006 10:39:20 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Wandering from thread to thread being so ungracious will no doubt get you blocked as well.

As for being a Texas Troll, you're damn right I am!

~~signed, Trolling for Subs

<exits, laughing!

(in reply to Summarizer)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/29/2006 10:43:42 AM   
MasterR001


Posts: 76
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		You gotta do what you gotta do.   The most rewarding relationship I ever had was the 10 years I spent with a sub who was in the same postiton.  We were both enriched by our time together.  It only ended because her hudband was transfered to the west coast.

(in reply to jezzabelle)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/29/2006 10:47:14 AM   
Elle44


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		Hmmm, for some reason the following post in my journal keeps disappearing.*  It appears that some can dish it out, but then choke on it when it comes right back.... well I have always agreed with the cliche that was goes around comes around! 
 
"Okay I could not help it!  This is my response to the profile of a married man who was complaining about someone who contacted him.....  it pretty much speaks for itself.  Does anyone have any thoughts on the subject?  
 
'Why don't you just call the switch a whore to her face instead of conducting your ranting in your journal?  Probably the same reason you don't tell your wife of your sexual indiscretions.  Your journal entry ignores the possibility that there are real people who take the lifestyle so seriously that they are looking to serve 24/7 and in return need the security of financial as well as emotional support.  Perhaps all your switch was looking for was money.  But your journal entry makes you look almost as ignorant as your introduction.  When you ask for people who share your interest in screwing around behind your wife's back, then that is what you get!  More of the same.  People with no morals, or no interest in anything other than playing kinky games.  It is a real sign of your character when you state that you won't lie or play games with your sub (if you ever find a real one), a complete stranger, no less, but that your wife does not know of [your] 'interests' and you plan to keep it that way.  So you will do exactly that (lie and play games) with the woman who at least at one time, you vowed to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse.  What a joke!!!!  You are getting just what your profile is asking for!'
 
Yikes my mouth sometimes gets me into trouble!" 
 
*Hopefully this forum is more free-speech friendly. 
 
elle
 

(in reply to jewelofthenight)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/30/2006 10:09:40 AM   
tanna


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline 		It isn't up to us to judge... Neither should we condone such acts. It is between you and your conscience.  Would you be able to live with the guilt knowing you have cheated? You should communicate with your spouse, try to fix what is not working.  

Personally, I don't respect or trust those who would go outside their marriage. While I may like them as a person, anything more is impossible for me..

(in reply to jewelofthenight)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/30/2006 11:03:30 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tanna

It isn't up to us to judge...


Well.... if they put it up on a discussion forum.. it kind of is for us to judge, when she solicits comments and opinions/advice.

Personally... the mere title of this thread is offensive to me... my husband is vanilla so I am allowed to cheat...  I think more than a few of us would be up in arms if someone pointed out the opposite in a post... say.... My wife is a submissive so I feel aok in cheating on the slut...

You enter into a legal contract and a pledged relationship with a person.. no matter what, cheating is cheating, and wrong is wrong.

Doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing to do.

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 117
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