CaringandReal
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Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: xssve
I have no problem with a list of hard limits, but the lives for, loves, likes, etc. listing is a little more balanced, it's just that conversationally, one doesn't typically start listing the things they like to do until asked - partially because somebody might think they're weird.
But isn't that an execellent way to get some of the people you don't want to talk to (for me, that group definitely includes those who are so anal or limited in their thinking that they will judge an otherwise balanced presentation negatively due to the inclusion of a few specific likes) to stay away from you? In my experience, this works as a filter, to cut out some of the clutter, although there will always be the occasional out-of-control moron who writes to scream at you for daring to include specific likes. But these out-of-control morons will scream at you, no matter what you do or say in your profile.
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A lot of people dance around it for a long time before discovering they're actually on the same page, there is often a level of trust established before the subject ever comes up.
I don't particularly enjoy dancing in this context. I don't need a certain level of trust built up when I am talking anonymously with another anonymous person about desires, dreams, and interests, no matter how intense or strange. I like to get that sort of revelatory information out of the way first, and fast, so that if they're going to cringe or be disgusted, they do so earlier rather than later. But maybe I feel this way because I tend to have things in me that many people cringe at or find disgusting?
For me, solid trust (well, unless I've been incredibly stupid, something I can never fully rule out, alas) is required before I will reveal identity details to anyone I meet over the internet, be they a potential master, friend, chat acquaintance, or a what have you. Identity details are things like real name, address, phone #, photos, birthday, where I work, even what I do for a living. With just a very few isolated identity facts, things that tend to slip out in natural, unguarded conversation, particularly if some of the elements are "rares" (like an unusual name or a profession that is not common) anyone halfway decent with google can know exactly who you are.
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It's much easier to say "I don't do edgeplay", than it is to say, "I love to be fucked in the ass", for example, to somebody you don't know that well, for one thing, to say you like something, can be, in some sense, and invitation to do it, when you may actually mean that you like it as a general thing, not that you want to do it right this minute with that particular person.
The first part of this statement is not particularly true for me but the reason you give for it rings true. My profile text, when it was up, had specific interests in it, and often I'd recieve emails from what I termed "one-dimmensional" people who fetishized one speicfic interest out of the many I listed or one specific category of interest (such as masochism) to the exclusion of everything else. It was tiring to frequently get that kind of response, but I left those details in for two reasons (1) again, they work as filter, showing me quickly which people, by their first responses, are incompatible with what I need. Had I not posted those specifics, these individuals may have approached me in a far more stealthy fashion and it would have taken a longer time to determine the core incompatibility. (2) Stating very specific interests by themselves don't contribute a lot to knowing a person, particularly a person who is willing to forego all of those interests for whatever it is her future owner finds of interest. But they do serve to build up a pattern, to paint in the holes in the picture, to give someone a richer and more layered impression of your basic personality. That is my style of getting to know someone: I give as much of the full picture first as I can, so they can see if they like entire composition, not just a few isolated parts. I'm generous with revealing my attitudes as well, my dreams, my self-assesments on various scales, and, (not so much in the profile, but quite early in a private conversation) details of my personal experiences.
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And, likes are often qualified: with or without lube/foreplay/when/how/how often/how long, etc, etc. one, and typically women, don't say what it is they like until they're ready for you to do it, whereas guys will often tell everybody in spitting distance, hoping to find somebody, anybody, who wants them it done to them.
Hmm. Hard to relate to much of this. I don't qualify my likes, that I know of. It feels presumtuous and non-submissive to do so. Are you talking about everyone in general here or just the way dominants express themselves? I tend to like what the dominant likes best of all, and my own interests tend to bore me, unless they are interesting to another. (Still, there is truth in them. I don't list things, like snowballs for instance, that I don't find initially engaging or easy to fantasize about.) I am a woman but I say early what it is I like for the reasons mentioned above. Finally, the last thing I would want is somebody, anybody, who wants to "do me" using any one or two of the specific things that I list (or even five or ten of them!). What I want is somebody whose full personality and desires (sexual and non-) are compatible with my own. While activity matching is clearly not the point for me, I sill think that little details, like specific interests, assist me in various minor ways in finding such a person...or in realizing early that someone isn't what I need.
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"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo
"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris
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RE: "Mind your own business"...TPE and privancy - 
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