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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 7:30:24 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I dont like to dig to find out about a guy.   I expect him to tell me.   I wont chase like I once did.  They do not like it- and it can end in a bad way.

The problem here sounds to me- not that you hang with this guy- but that you cut off from other dates that could offer you a LTR.

Since you are not really going steady-  no ring- no commitment- then I would guess you are free to date others as well.



(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 8:39:40 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		good point pahunkboy

is what I did actually.  I told him not to come over because I was gonna get fucked by someone else, he did his grrr bullshit, I said too bad.

After a few fucks I met a wonderful man I ended up living with for over 7 years.

Sometimes you have to take the faux-power someone has taken from you and give that power to yourself...where it belongs. 


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It hurts.....that you call me a masochist


(in reply to pahunkboy)
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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 9:02:03 AM   
petmonkey


Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut
That this is me self injurying via my relationship. No one can stop this cycle but me.


This is powerful knowledge. Do you know how amazingly strong you are?
i, for one, think so.


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Be excellent to each other.


(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 9:19:16 AM   
YSG


Posts: 1001
Joined: 8/6/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

It is about ME, its about what I need. I thought i had gotten past the part of my life,my past that graffitatated towards men, relationships that were harmfum to me. My friends have told me what you guys have but I thought they were biased or simply didn't like him. So I came to faceless names to see if I heard the same and I did. Truth is, reading this thread. Has been an eye opener..its like I no longer can deny the reality of the relationship I am in. I have to end this because Im realizing this is no different. That this is me self injurying via my relationship. No one can stop this cycle but me.


This is a very strong, and intelligent thing to do. It will also be a hard path to walk.

I've been in much the same situation as you have, and I want you to know, my inbox is open if you need someone to talk to, need encouragement, advice, etc.

-hugs-

_____________________________

Our duty is to hold ourselves responsible to the people. Every word, every act and every policy must conform to the people's interests, and if mistakes occur, they must be corrected - that is what being responsible to the people means- Mao Zedong

(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 11:05:36 AM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YSG


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

It is about ME, its about what I need. I thought i had gotten past the part of my life,my past that graffitatated towards men, relationships that were harmfum to me. My friends have told me what you guys have but I thought they were biased or simply didn't like him. So I came to faceless names to see if I heard the same and I did. Truth is, reading this thread. Has been an eye opener..its like I no longer can deny the reality of the relationship I am in. I have to end this because Im realizing this is no different. That this is me self injurying via my relationship. No one can stop this cycle but me.


This is a very strong, and intelligent thing to do. It will also be a hard path to walk.

I've been in much the same situation as you have, and I want you to know, my inbox is open if you need someone to talk to, need encouragement, advice, etc.

-hugs-



They need a 12 step program for this. Lol

I am trying to make light of it but it will be hard and thank you. You have c-mail btw.

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Profile   Post #: 85
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 1:28:29 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		There is a 12 step program for "this". There are two in fact.

Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous. Here is a link. http://www.slaafws.org/

Codependents Anonymous. Here is their link http://www.coda.org/

Good luck,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 1/21/2011 1:34:12 PM >

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 1:35:49 PM   
esmee


Posts: 6
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

If he had nothing to hide he would go out of his way to allay your concerns instead of using them against you.

If somehow he was not attached how can you explain his keeping you a secret - after a year?




I have to say the guy is getting what he wants...you...and he's trying to keep it. He's got a cushy spot with his main life and you on the side. If he was interested in a long term partnership he'd be trying to build you up, not tear you down or keep you in a cycle of doubting yourself.

I was with someone in a  monogamous relationship, I found out that he was talking to another woman. I gave him the freedom to stay or go but if he stayed I didn't want to doubt him again. He decided to stay and like the situation that came4U described - he was sick at heart by the thought of how he had made me feel over what he did. Whenever a situation arose where there could be doubt on my part as to what was going on, he'd take the time to show me what was happening. If he got a phone call, he'd carefully explain who it was and how he knew them. If he was busy doing something when I wouldn't be with him, he'd explain ahead of time where he would be and give me the time and place and who would be there. I usually got a call or a note on the computer afterwards as well.

The thing is...I never asked for any of that, he took it upon himself to show me that he was indeed trustworthy. In the end he was the one who wanted me to believe in him and he set out to earn my trust in a responsible way. He was wrenched at the thought of how badly he had damaged my opinion of him and he knew it would take some effort to set it right. He didn't do it as a temporary measure either, he did it till the day we parted. He wanted me to know I was important to him, he wanted me happy, he wanted me at peace. We've managed to take a bump in the road and use it to turn our relationship into a better one.

Your guy is actively encouraging you to doubt. Wow, nasty. So he's shrouding things in mystery and turning you against yourself in the hopes that he can keep his dish on the side.
The side relationship doesn't seem to be what you want, and therefore  it is not what you deserve. You should have someone that wants you secure and comfortable and happy and will do what it takes for you to believe in him.

The other part of the quoted statement above is also true...if this man is not somehow attached, how can either of you explain why you matter so little as to be a secret after such a long time? Not wanting drama in his life is a piss poor excuse. He should be proud to show you off and let others know you are in his life. The two of you should be able to move in a circle of family and friends together and have people be happy for you and know that you're together. Wanting to keep his privacy after a year is BS. After a year, you ARE a part of his life and other people generally understand that adults have relationships of some kind. I would think it would engender more speculation and gossip if he never had a woman around.

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 1:37:17 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

There is a 12 step program for "this". There are two in fact.

Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous. Here is a link. http://www.slaafws.org/


They seem to believe that sex addiction and god are inexplicably mixed, for some reason.

Possibly because no-one ever shouted "fate and destiny!" when they cum? ;)

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 1:44:46 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Higher Power, darling, Higher Power. Some people choose that higher power as their most honorable self.

I sometimes think changing our ways of interacting with ourselves and with others is even more difficult than alcoholics becoming sober. We have to interact with people all the time. We have to live in our own skin 24/7. Changing decades-old behavior, often learned in childhood, is one of the most difficult things I've ever encountered. People, especially with support, CAN make it happen. The question always is "do you really WANT to change? Are you willing to do the work?" Sadly, most people are too lazy to make their lives better. It's easier to be in a mediocre or bad relationship than it is to value ourselves and wait for and create what is good.

best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 1/21/2011 1:45:49 PM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 1:56:21 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Higher Power, darling, Higher Power. Some people choose that higher power as their most honorable self.


You might want to read their "12-step" plan.

It says god, pretty clearly :)

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 2:50:09 PM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue


quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Higher Power, darling, Higher Power. Some people choose that higher power as their most honorable self.


You might want to read their "12-step" plan.

It says god, pretty clearly :)


Brief hijack...

slaafws.org Frequently Asked Questions

quote:


Q9. I don’t believe in God. Can I still go to meetings?

A: You are not required to believe in God to attend meetings. The program is spiritual in nature and includes the belief in a Higher Power, but it is not affiliated with any religion, sect, or denomination. Your concept of a Higher Power can be whatever you want it to be. Some use the group itself as something more powerful than themselves.


coda.org Preamble pdf

quote:


In CoDA, we each learn to build a bridge to a Higher Power of our own understanding, and we allow others the same privilege.


Most recovery programs recognize not every member has a belief in God in an organized religious sense. Higher Power has many meanings.

End of hijack.

DIS...I wish you the best as you make whatever decision is best for you and yours.

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 3:02:15 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh
Most recovery programs recognize not every member has a belief in God in an organized religious sense. Higher Power has many meanings.


My point was, their 12-step plan doesn’t say "higher power" more than a couple of times - the rest of the time it says "God":

Examples:

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. (very difficult to come up with an atheist or agnostic version of that, I would imagine).

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

I mean I don't honestly give a fuck, coz it's not an issue I suffer from/with, but I would have thought in this day and age they'd make it a bit more ... well ... intelligent, in terms of appealing to people and their own intellects, not offering a prop and blame culture? I mean I don't even consider me a "higher" power", let alone anything else.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 3:12:40 PM   
purepleasure


Posts: 6941
Joined: 4/9/2004
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		the door for the religion threads is over there

--------------->>

< Message edited by purepleasure -- 1/21/2011 3:14:59 PM >

_____________________________

Patience, grasshopper.

Your stupidity does not impress me.

blame it on your hormones!!! - beerbug aka ydd

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 3:16:39 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: purepleasure

the door for the religion threads is over there

--------------->>

It's not a “religious” topic in that sense. But sex addiction isn't caused by "the devil"*, so why would they make it at all religious? Why not just say the same things, but in non-religious (a-religious? Dunno.) terms? It just struck me as weird, that's all. I could see it putting a lot of people off.

I note it implies it's based on the AA 12-step - are they the same then? From grog to god in 12 easy steps?

*at least I'm presuming they wouldn't be dumb enough to try that number.

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Profile   Post #: 94
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 3:19:52 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		TO OP. I did not read the whole thread.

He is most likely married. He is hiding something, if not from you, from others. Do you care ? If he'll lie to them he'll lie to you.

Have your fun but watch him when you have the good silverware out.

T

(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 3:23:26 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

Let me make something very clear he doesn't pay my bills or any of that. I do that. I may not have much but what i have is MINE. His gifts tend to be things he knows I want but can't afford for myself or things he says he think i deserve. Things that he says he comes across during the day that make him think about me or the kids and he will get them b/c he doesn't have alot of time but the money is something he does have.


If he really had to work two jobs to make ends meet, then he wouldn't have the money.

And I know you wouldn't stay in this for the extras for you, but you're a mother who loves her kids very much and hates not to be able to give them the small extras they want and need.

If what you do get from this relationship is enough as is, for the moment, then tell him you'll stay if he starts being honest. But the lying is an enormous problem.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 3:28:39 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline

quote:


Have your fun but watch him when you have the good silverware out.

T


T, this line made me laugh.

Rapier

I have attended NA since I was 16 infact that is why I joked about their being a 12 step for relationship issues. Like you I wish they would take the word god out of it because as i say at my NA meetings I dont need their god to stay clean I need faith in something stronger than myself.

< Message edited by DaddysInkedSlut -- 1/21/2011 3:30:03 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 97
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 3:33:22 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I don't lead a faith-based existence, but if it works for you, run with it!

It's okay to be single. It's okay to be "alone". It's okay to be lonely sometimes.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 4:20:55 PM   
ShaharThorne


Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline 		I am lonely but I am not worried about it. I got a phone, the computer and my closet of yarn to keep me company.

Besides, I am doing the munch in Austin on the 12 of February.  I am the woman eating the beef ribs (since apparently the doctors are chasing me to get some bypass surgery done, I will do it after Mom gets back from Arkansas).




_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

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Profile   Post #: 99
RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/21/2011 5:41:37 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		i can't give my opinion on this one, since this stranger HAS a face. However, good luck to you.

pam

(in reply to pahunkboy)
Profile   Post #: 100
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