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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:10:47 AM   
PeonForHer


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Status: offline 		A white horse walked into a bar and the barman said, "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you!' The horse said, "What, Eric?"

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:17:22 AM   
PeonForHer


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Status: offline 		I live near a university. You can always tell that a new bunch of students has arrived in the city to start uni because a police traffic cone will appear on the head of the statue outside the Town Hall. Likewise, every year, the newly-cleaned walls of the students' toilets attract the graffito 'I'd rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy'. Fjoeken youngsters. They always believe they're the first to come up with something. Grrr.

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:28:25 AM   
Themasterofo1


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ssshhhhhh quiet, everyone thinks you're paranoid


it's the festive season, a lady was at her local super market looking at the frozen turkeys and noticed that they were rather small so she asked the sales assistant "do these turkeys get any bigger" and he replied "no ma'am they're dead"

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:36:32 AM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
A white horse walked into a bar and the barman said, "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you!' The horse said, "What, Eric?"


That joke's funnier if the name is "Colin", for some reason.

I'm going with:

"Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a light bulb?"

"COZ IT JUST FUCKING DOES, YOU BASTARD!!"

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:37:15 AM   
PeonForHer


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Clearly, there's fierce competition here for the most stupid joke. Lips are curled in snarls, weapons are brandished and the battle lines are drawn. A hush is falling over the land and the presence of the God of War is palpable.

Right, anyway, this was the first joke I ever remember being told, at primary school:

A Frenchman is hitch-hiking next to the road. An Englishman pulls up in his car and shouts, "You want a lift?" The Frenchman replies, "Oui, oui!" And the Englishman drives off shouting, "Not in my car you don't - find a toilet!"

I do remember being on the floor and holding my stomach at that one. I had a sheltered upbringing in many ways.



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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:40:31 AM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

That joke's funnier if the name is "Colin", for some reason.



Heh. Actually, 'Jeremy' works even better.



quote:


"Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a light bulb?"

"COZ IT JUST FUCKING DOES, YOU BASTARD!!"


I first got told that joke by a female friend who was notorious for her short temper. She actually got slightly pissed off at how much I laughed at it. Superb.

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:46:05 AM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Clearly, there's fierce competition here for the most stupid joke.


Is there? I've never seen this thread before so I wouldn't know ...

Ok ... let me see ...

There’s these 2 dyslexics skiing in the Alps. They come belting down the hillside, this way and that, and when they reach the bottom the first one says to the other “that was brilliant, the way you zigged and zagged down that mountain”.

“No”, says the second, “it’s zagged and zigged”.

“Is it fuck!” says the first, “it’s zigged and zagged!”.

And so they argue and argue, until they spot a bloke just standing there, a little way away, and they resolve to get him to settle the argument.

“Excuse me” says the first skier, “but can you settle an argument for us? When you come whooshing down the mountain from side-to-side, is it zigged and zagged, or zagged and zigged?”.

“I'm sorry but I don't know” says the man, “I’m a tobogganist”

“Oh right” says the first chap ...”well in that case, can I have 20 Marlboro Lights and a box of matches?”

I’ll get me coat ...

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:51:30 AM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue



*Cackle* That's the mark of a joke of A1 corn quality: all that build up, just for a play on only one word. Excellent.

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 10:56:06 AM   
mummyman321


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Status: offline 		Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"
and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.



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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:03:47 AM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
*Cackle* That's the mark of a joke of A1 corn quality: all that build up, just for a play on only one word. Excellent.


I reckon, if you're going to waste people's time, do it properly ;)

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:19:00 AM   
mummyman321


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Status: offline 		A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it!


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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:19:14 AM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue
I reckon, if you're going to waste people's time, do it properly ;)


Yup.

Reminds me. The best laugh I ever got in my life was in a pub, after someone told a joke that went on for a good ten minutes. It was bloody interminable. At the end of it, I did this one, instantly:

"A bloke walked into a bar, and went 'Unh!' - because it was an iron bar."


Damnit. One of my favourite jokes ever, but it only works in real time and face-to-face. You need to do the actions.

You hold out your hands in front of you, wide apart, palms up. You say, "What have you got if you've got a mothball in this hand and a mothball in this hand?'

Then you lean forward, arranging a really serious and disturbed look on your face, and say, "A *really* big moth".

I works absolutely brilliantly if everyone's stoned out of their boxes.




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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:21:33 AM   
mummyman321


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Status: offline 		The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:22:21 AM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it!


It comes just days after the theft of every single toilet from the local cop station.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:22:58 AM   
MissMacey


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Status: offline 		Why didn't the chicken cross the road?





Because he's chicken.


*bow*

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:23:28 AM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
Then you lean forward, arranging a really serious and disturbed look on your face, and say, "A *really* big moth".


Oh I like that one! :)

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:24:30 AM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMacey

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Because he's chicken.


Why did the pervert cross the road?

Coz he had his knob stuck in the chicken.

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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 11:27:15 AM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it!



That was truly bloody awful, MM. My compliments, Sir!

I see that we've now entered that league where only those who have balls of titanium and who can proffer the most appalling jokes of all time can stand the pace. By crackey, I can feel the adrenalin!



























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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 12:07:53 PM   
mummyman321


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it!


That was truly bloody awful, MM. My compliments, Sir!

I see that we've now entered that league where only those who have balls of titanium and who can proffer the most appalling jokes of all time can stand the pace. By crackey, I can feel the adrenalin!


Thank you very much.

Okay last one for this afternoon from me.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion















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RE: Corny Joke contest. - 2/4/2011 12:10:45 PM   
RapierFugue


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quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321


When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion


2 cannibals are eating a clown.

One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny?".

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